What to do if my husband is constantly displeased with everything?
Perhaps no one can honestly boast that they have an ideal relationship in marriage. It is natural and normal to strive for harmony, intimacy and a welcoming emotional atmosphere in their family nest. But achieving such a relationship is the result of great and daily work of each of the spouses. Therefore, if there are difficulties, you should not give up and give up, it is better to adequately assess the situation, to understand the problems and together to resolve them.
Discontent of the spouse.
It is very difficult to carry a tense emotional atmosphere in the family. Many women have to put up with the fact that her husband was always picking on, criticizing, reproaching and insulting. And this can often happen for almost no reason, or for some far-fetched reasons. Man, as the saying goes, “winds up with a twist”: shouting, complaining about the food prepared, work at home, blamed for any shortcomings or reproaches his wife for money.
Insulting words can be repeated over and over without further apology. Claims are getting shallower and more far-fetched. Tired of putting up with this, many women are ready to decide to divorce and break relations with the once loved one. What are the reasons for this behavior of the spouse?
Change the current unpleasant situation and improve the relationship is possible only if the root of the problem will be removed or at least adjusted.
Man may show negative emotions towards his wife because of one or more of the following factors.
- It is not uncommon for a woman to complain that her husband is constantly yelling even without good reason and is dissatisfied with everything, but she does not try to assess the overall emotional state of her other half. Such manifestations may be a signal of accumulated stress, chronic fatigue or prolonged psychological and emotional overload. Most often, it may be connected with problems at work. Tired after a day of work and not being able to relieve stress in other ways, the man returned home, shouts and reproaches his wife for insignificant things.
- Perhaps the rude behavior in the family is a manifestation of the personality and character traits of the spouse. Before cohabitation they may have been simply imperceptible. Common household is often very unexpectedly able to reveal a person from a completely different side. For example, for the choleric simply inherent in the fact that he is almost always angry, often grumbles and is always making remarks to others. Unfortunately, such manifestations will not avoid even a close and beloved person.
- It is mistakenly thought that a man is almost always satisfied with his sex life, especially when it is regular. But this is not true at all. And it is violations in the sexual relationship are very often the cause of discord and loss of understanding. The situation is exacerbated by the fact that not all couples are not willing to adequately discuss intimacy, correctly express their wishes or comments to his partner. Often women are not inclined to look for the root of the problems in this area, not seeing any connection between sex and communication in the home. This leaves the problem unresolved and over time increases the tension between the spouses.
- As women, the stronger sex tend to create a certain ideal of a life partner. Beginning to get to know her much closer, the husband is inevitably faced with one or another disappointment. Especially often this manifests itself in dissatisfaction with his wife on maternity leave. A pregnant woman during this period undergoes physical changes, as well as fluctuations in her emotional state. Of course, the man can understand that it is impossible to reproach her for this, but he simply can not restrain himself in many cases. The fact that he himself is in a kind of confusion and does not have time to accept the new qualities and image of his beloved woman. It seems to him that in front of him is almost another, previously unknown to him, tied to him by marriage ties.
The remarks, criticisms and reproaches directed at the other half are an attempt to realize the image the man has previously thought up and idealized.
- The mother-in-law may turn her son against the woman she does not like. For whatever reason, the mother initially disliked her and will attempt to cause discord in the couple’s relationship. If a man is strongly attached to his mother, for the most part, he will blindly take her side and unconsciously agree with her opinions and claims.
- A very unpleasant and serious reason for the husband’s abrupt and rude behavior can be an affair on the side. These can be very fleeting feelings that will soon fade away. But during their peak, the life partner pales in the eyes of the spouse. A new passion, on the contrary, just blossoms with advantages and often imaginary benefits.
- Reasons for irritation and reproaches may be real shortcomings of women. Often, inflated self-esteem does not allow us to adequately assess their qualities and actions. Listen and take a closer look at yourself. Do you not exhibit similar negative outbursts in your relationship with your spouse? Are your household chores and meals really impeccable? Sometimes a woman just does not want to admit that doing something bad or untidy and stubbornly at its own, time after time repeats its faults. And the husband is forced to make claims and comments in a rougher, harsher and more irritated form to “get through” to his wife.
- Your husband may have observed a strained relationship with his parents. It is not uncommon in adulthood for such children, without a positive example in their marriage, to start practically copying the behavior patterns of their family members.
How to help yourself and your husband?
First of all, understand the fact that if you let the situation drift away, almost certainly for the better it just will not change. In mending faltering marital relations important sincerity, love for her partner and patience. Without these qualities can not build a trusting and mutually respectful communication even in the premarital period, and even more so after the union and the beginning of life together.
Do not spare time for calm conversations. Male representatives, though more inclined to keep their worries to themselves, still react very positively to any friendly and trusting conversation with a loved one. If your man is having problems at work, support and encourage him to show that you believe in him. If the quarrel begins to flare up, try not to wind up. Do not shout back and do not inflame the conflict situation. Constructive calm discussion of the problem is much more effective than any scandal and mutual insults.
Sometimes it is better to leave the man alone and let him calm down. Gently and without defiance tell him that his words to you are very offensive. Explain that you would like to talk about the problem calmly, so ask him to cope with his emotions. After that, leave the room or go for a short walk.
Conflict is better to settle it in the bud, rather than in the heat of an exchange of insults that will hurt and shame for both.
Try, however, correctly discuss with her husband your feelings in bed. If it is obvious that you and your spouse are not ready for such a conversation, do not be afraid to contact a couples relationship counselor. Listen to the advice of a psychologist who consults in this area. Unfortunately, in our country, many people still have a prejudice and shame regarding intimacy. But such consultations help a lot of couples to harmonize sexual life and relationships, as well as to keep from breaking up.
Help your man to realize himself in his interesting occupation or hobby. Life should not be limited to work and family. This limitation of his horizons and activities is very exhausting, and leads to nervous and emotional exhaustion. Offer him interesting options for a weekend getaway together or some creative activity. Perhaps your couple will have a new common hobby. And this is a sure way to get closer and resolve rifts.
Try to work on your shortcomings. Talk to close friends or parents and ask them to objectively and honestly point them out to you. Do not defend and nurture their weaknesses. Such a tactic would only lead to moral laziness, self-righteousness and arrogance. And these qualities are very noticeable and unpleasant in any communication, not only within the couple, but also in other areas.
Take care of yourself. Maintain a neat appearance even at home. Sometimes change your image, it will create a novelty effect in the eyes of your spouse. Try to establish a good relationship of trust with his parents, relatives and friends of your husband. Even if some of them are unpleasant to you for some reason, keeping in touch with them will give you two big positive things.
First, you will be able to more fully reveal to yourself the personality of your chosen one, to know his childhood and adolescent dreams and hobbies, interests, hobbies. This will undoubtedly help you in a relationship. Secondly, you can avoid possible “harassment” by family or friends of your spouse. After all, if you look away from them, they may well form a negative opinion about you and treat you with distrust. And this is the ground for intrigues, slander and setting her husband against you.
Man yells, insults and humiliates.
Someone gets an iPhone as a gift, and someone drunken yelling. Let’s deal with this injustice.
Yelling, humiliating, and insulting in the family is often underestimated. It seems that it is nothing, because all the shouting, shake off and calm down. But it only seems that way.
If a man starts to insult, humiliate, or raise his voice, these are very alarm bells. They ring about the beginning of the end of your relationship. You have the last chance to fix everything, and if it is impossible – to get out of the relationship with minimal losses, before it is too late.
Reasons why a man yells, insults and humiliates a woman
Self-assertion. At work or among his friends he is not respected, and he takes it out on those who are weaker and can not give him back. Or you are more successful in life than he is and with his yelling he is trying to show you who is boss. First and foremost, to himself.
You insult him, you humiliate him, you raise your voice and try to correct him because he is not like that. Even if you do not say harsh words, keep in mind that for a man humiliation can be different. For example, you’re trying to control him, to coddle him in public, to criticize him “on the case,” to press guilt and pity, to make jokes about his qualities and sexual abilities, and so on. The list can be long and in many ways unexpected.
You didn’t fight back in your own time. Once it all started with small, not very pleasant, but also not too offensive name-calling, raising your voice, barely noticeable criticism of you and other little things that not every woman can notice and pay attention. Read more about these small signs, as well as why this happens and what to do about it in the article Husband does not respect his wife – what to do and how to prevent it. You kept quiet and pretended that everything was okay because you didn’t want to fight over little things. Further he became more insolent, and you were patient, because “that time because of this I kept silent, this time to be outraged will be strange and illogical, I’m afraid to look stupid. He realized that he can do this to you, and he won’t get anything for it. He relaxed and it went too far.
His inferiority complex. He thinks he is nothing, and so that you do not leave him, he tries to kill you morally. He says that no one needs you but him, you are all crooked and askew, if it were him, he would have had a mistress a long time ago or leave you altogether, but he somehow tolerates it.
You are too dependent on him. Morally and/or financially. The man understands that you can not get away from him, you will not have anything to live on, you will not give up his benefits, and uses the situation, tyrannizes you to the fullest extent.
He is taking revenge on you. For insults or cheating, for breaking up with him, for being cooler than him in some way. Maybe he resents the whole world and insults everyone who gets in his way, and you just got in the way.
Whatever the reason, it’s important that the insults stop ASAP at ANY cost. After all, where they insult you, they will start hitting you, and where they hit you, sooner or later they will kill you. And if they don’t, the respect, passion and love for each other will disappear, to be replaced by resentment, disappointment and hatred. I don’t think you want that. So let’s decide what to do about it.
How exactly NOT to respond to his insults.
Insult back. This will make the situation worse and lead to a breakup;
threaten to break up and don’t do it. He will realize that the price of your word and dignity is zero;
make demands in a hysterical rush. He is unlikely to hear them, and definitely will not take them seriously, so you should wait until everyone calms down beforehand;
hope that it will pass and the situation will somehow change on its own. It won’t! You need your surgical intervention;
justify him: “he was drunk, what’s the demand from a drunk”, “his boss drove him crazy, I won’t be here with my insults”, “he has a rabid temper, he yells and cools down”, “it was my fault, I cooked/ironed/seen wrong” and so on. Insults are not and can not be justified! He is an adult and can take responsibility for his actions and even control himself;
complain to parents, relatives, friends and random bystanders. You will forgive him later, but they will not. Read more about the harm of complaining about your husband here.
How to respond to insults from a man
0. If you have a mustache, you swear, yell at him and call him names.
This has no place in the family! Irony and sarcasm destroy relationships like alcoholism and mistresses. Laugh at anything with him, but not at each other and not at what is dear to the other. Then the fun will strengthen your relationship.
Start to change, even if you think he deserved to be insulted by his behavior. Not only that, but ask him to monitor and evaluate your efforts in working on yourself. Say, “Honey, I realized how wrong I’ve been. Please forgive me. There shouldn’t be profanity and humiliation in the family, because we are the closest and most loving people. We should be able to negotiate in a human way. From now on, I promise not to call you those horrible words, which I’m very ashamed of later, and not to raise my voice. Let’s come up with a punishment for me if I snap. And a reward for me if I don’t say one hurtful word to you for a month.”
If you come up with a good enough reward and an unpleasant punishment, the method will work. Then extend the experiment for six months. When he sees that you are trying your best and holding back where before you would have given him a three-story, he will automatically start to watch his speech as well. After all, he will feel respect and love in your efforts.
1. it’s just beginning to show, and you have nothing to do with it.
Man sometimes began to behave more rudely than usual, to raise his voice at you or the children, let loose in your address jokes, not even wanting to offend you, just casually. In any case, do not run away with it! Otherwise it will be worse.
For example, he fondly rubbed you on the belly, and called you “little hippo. Alarming! It is very likely not far off “fat cow”, regardless of your weight. So picture a pout and mutter: “Why do you call me that, I do not like that nickname. I like what you used to call me. “
He raised his voice at you. Don’t hide your emotions, you don’t like it, do you? Show him your upset face and say, “I can’t help it, but when people yell at me, I feel like crying or screaming back. And I certainly can’t understand what exactly is being said to me. I do not grasp the meaning. So please, speak calmly, I perceive so much better and will be able to hear you.
He cursed in front of you. Not at you, but simply used foul language in your presence. If you tolerate it, your rating in his eyes automatically slightly lower, and in the end the foul language will fall on you. So tell him (first wait until you are alone): “I really don’t like such words from you, they make me sad and spoil my mood. I do not know why I am so sensitive. I do not care about others, I react to them less, and you are my closest person, probably why such a strong reaction. Please don’t swear in front of me, if you don’t mind.
2. He is having problems, he is snapping at you.
The main thing here is not to try to endure, not to hope that in time everything will settle down and he will calm down. He will get used to that it is possible to yell at you, and he will not need a reason. Do not wean him off then.
And especially do not try to be with him to be softer and fluffier in response to abuse! Emphasis-gentle attitude you want to support him, to smooth out his difficulties and not pay attention to temporary mood swings, and he develops a false reflex that if he wants a gentle wife – you have to bark at her.
And certainly insulting him back isn’t the answer at all, nor is it the support of a loving wife.
Instead, at the first irritable tone, tell him, “Honey, I understand that you’re having some difficulties right now. I know very well that you can cope with everything, you’ve always done well and good in general! But I can’t stand it if you’re going to take it out on me. It is unfair and hurts me to the core. Tell me better how I can relax you. How do you want me to relieve your stress? I know many pleasant ways. “
3. You’ve let it all go, and he’s already swearing and cursing at you.
Or a long time self-assertion at your expense, resentful of the world, taking revenge on you or you are too dependent on him. CARAUL! We need urgent sanctions!
Set boundaries. Say, “I love you, and I understand that you can be hard. But I will not tolerate undignified behavior toward me from anyone, especially from the person I love and care about most. The next time I hear even one hurtful word from you, you and I won’t speak for three days. If it happens again, we’ll break up for two weeks. But if it doesn’t help, after that we will break up forever.
And he has to be the first to make up with you after three days and after two weeks. Waiting for you to roll over? Let him wait! Until he appears with flowers and apologies – you can not make up with him. Because he doesn’t really need you. If he will have to try to earn your location, then he will appreciate it much more, and to disperse will try not to bring.
If he brought it to the third time, you break up with him. React indifferently – so be it. If he is pounding your doorstep, making things (helps you and your parents, take away, bring in, give money, treat your cat, arranged your brother to work) and tries in every way to win you back, then if you want you can forgive him one last time, but at least 2-3 months, so he had time to really change. Let him try as hard as he should! And he will understand that it is much easier and cheaper not to screw up, than to clean up later. It will come to him that he really risk losing you, and only then will he reassess your role in his life.
Fourth time, of course, should not be. After all, some men, by nature prone to sadism, deliberately very quickly married (in the first months they say: “You’re my destiny, as I saw – immediately realized”) and have a baby, so that the woman could not escape. At first they’re cute, and then they show their true nature. That’s why boundaries have to be ironclad. If you ran into a tyrant – at least leave with minimal losses. And you’ll be choosier from now on.
Material dependence on a man does not give him the right to act like a pig. He only does it because you let him. It certainly will not lead to your personal happiness. But if you show him that you will not tolerate any money of the world, he may begin to respect you. There is no other way. I wrote more about this in my article The Key Secret to a Happy Relationship.
If he is asserting himself at your expense and berating you even though you are more successful than he is, then there is an interesting way to stop it. Start praising and admiring him. Thank him for what he does (in parallel with setting boundaries, of course). After all, in this twisted way he may be trying to get respect and love from you. And if you’re more successful than he is, then it’s difficult to respect him, and admire him all the more nothing, because you are cooler. Look for and find reasons. Here, of course, you need thorough work, because above all, you need to forgive him for previous offenses.
The first – he insulted you drunk or on a drug binge. These bad habits themselves don’t bode well. If you put up with it, that’s your business. But that can’t be an excuse for abuse! He’ll bore you, and of course over time will begin to beat you. So it is urgent that you stop the outrage.
Wait until he’s sobered up and tell him, “I don’t like your drinking, but I respect you and leave it up to you to decide whether or not to drink. But I won’t tolerate any insults, and your inadequate condition is not a valid reason. So if you can’t control yourself after drinking, you’ll have to break up either with alcohol or with me.”
In this case, you yourself will have to completely give up drinking, wine drinking with friends and hanging out in bars. The law in the family must work for everyone, especially if it is a dry law. Otherwise he will feel lonely and flawed, everyone can, and he can not. The consequences are unpredictable. And here again it is important not to play the “I was leaving to come back” game. If he chooses vodka, let him live with it. Otherwise you will lose yourself and then do not pick up the pieces.
Similar behavior in his explosive temperament. Let him learn to look after themselves. He is an adult and does not yell at his boss, no matter how he pissed off? There is at least one person in the world with whom he chooses to express himself? Then he’s perfectly capable of controlling himself. And why are you worse than his boss?
If he yells at everyone indiscriminately, then he is inadequate. RUN. To begin with, of course, you can suffer with a psychologist, if your husband agrees to see him. Some people find it helpful, though it’s not an easy road.
Another common excuse – like a woman’s own fault . Borscht sour, the arrow on his pants uneven, not awakened in the morning, when we met was not smiling, gave a reason to be jealous. This is not a reason to yell and humiliate! If someone doesn’t like something, people usually talk and negotiate humanly instead of tyrannizing the other person. So the solution is the same as the previous options.
Separate speech if he is jealous without a reason. For example, someone molested you and you rejected the insolent, your man saw it or you told him yourself. And then the unexpected – he gets angry and says: “If a woman is molested, it means she gave a reason. Many people make the mistake and start to justify to him, to fawn and convince him of his loyalty. But he insulted you with his distrust!
What happens if you respond to insults with affection, I have already written in the very beginning of the article. Instead, say: “You are an amazing worthy man. Next to you can only be a worthy woman. If you think I’m not worthy, then I’ll immediately vacate that spot next to you so that it can be taken by someone you find more worthy. So you doubt me?”
I’ll write about jealousy in relationships and how to deal with it if you or he is jealous in future articles. So subscribe as you like: on VKontakte, or on Telegram, or by e-mail, and do not miss anything.
It would seem that you could just walk away from someone who can’t talk normally. But it’s not that simple. Formal marriage, children, shared apartment, friends, material dependence on the man. The situation is complicated when the woman gets material bonuses for his bad behavior. He comes to make up, all silky, gives a fur coat, for a while the relationship is ideal, and then the rut comes again and wants a shake-up, romance and a new gift. Over time he understands that you can do whatever you want, as long as there is enough money for gifts.
And male alcoholism in general is like an emotional roller coaster, from which it is impossible to escape, and women often fall into codependency. Only a specialist can figure these things out, and there is little chance of solving the problem yourself.
So while everything is not so bad – pull yourself together and dramatically change the situation! For you no one will solve it. Do not allow anyone to humiliate themselves! Especially the most beloved person. After all, your children will be very sad.
If you need help and support – write to me, with pleasure I will help you analyze the situation and make a detailed plan of further action. We will choose a comfortable format for you not to lose everything at once, but at the same time competently and consistently defend their rights, gradually gaining inner strength and self-respect. The first 30-minute consultation is still free.
And here’s a lady who was patient, because “her own fault” – towels are crooked hung up and not so arranged the jars. Who does not remember how it ended – watch the movie again:
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