What to do if your wife changes, but does not admit it: psychologist’s tips, analysis of causes and actions
My respects, dear men. Marriage has never been an easy thing. And with time the former romance fades away and the harsh life begins. And betrayal can happen to both the husband and the spouse. In the second case, the strong sex wonders what to do if the wife is cheating, but does not admit it, the advice of a psychologist what? The help of a specialist here is necessary. The main thing is that it should be qualitative and prompt. In this material of the blog bursin.ru I give you all the effective recommendations and methods. But first of all, you should be absolutely sure that your spouse is cheating, and not impulses of inadequate jealousy.
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The foundation and prerequisites.
Women are creatures of subtlety and in need of emotion. If they do not find this in marriage, they feel unwanted and forgotten. And often the husband’s fault in this is minimal. His time is consumed by building a career, frequent business trips, socializing with friends, etc.
The wife lives a less fulfilling life and begins to seek emotional attention on the side. And when she finds it, a new turn in her life follows. She gets caught up in it and can’t control what happens next.
And her husband may not notice her scheming for a long time. And he realizes too late. There is an eternal search for guilt, and the marriage falls apart.
A list of symptoms
Husbands need to be as much (as possible) to be attentive to their wives, remember their manner of dress, talk, etc.
If there are suspicions of adultery, there is no total argument and proof here, except for authentic photos, videos of intimacy with another man or a personal view of their connection.
However, there are signs that make you doubt your spouse’s fidelity:
- The emergence of a password or updating an old combination on a gadget or computer.
- Refusal of intimacy under any pretext.
- Ignoring phone calls and texts.
- Abrupt fascination with one’s appearance: going to the gym, wearing new clothes, makeup, hair, etc.
- Frequent use of social networks and dating sites. Hiding correspondence and contacts.
If these signs are observed in full or different combinations, then it is time to closely monitor the wife yourself or hire someone. But it is also an occasion to analyze your marriage and relationships in it. But as long as you do not have hard evidence, do not take hasty action.
When a wife decides to cheat, she is guided by thoughts of attraction, not affection. And the former prevails over the latter when she becomes infatuated with a new man. It can be acquaintances on social media, romances at work, at the resort, and even casual liaisons.
When she happens to have sex with another partner, there is an attachment to him. The woman experiences the same feelings she once had for her husband. This compensates for her longing for his caresses and tenderness.
At the same time she often feels guilty, but continues to commit adultery. After all, they give her former warmth and pleasure. During intimacy the wife even imagines that it is her husband who is with her now, and not a stranger.
It is not uncommon for a woman to break up with her lover, become more affectionate to her husband, and their marriage will strengthen. But this is possible if the spouse did not even suspect the relationship on the side and moreover did not have proof of it.
If he suspects betrayal and does not have 100% confirmation of the conjecture, he will close his eyes to some things or deny the reality.
One way or another he will lose his former confidence, the beginnings of paranoia will form and he will cling to his wife with his suspicions.
If the adulteress has had an affair on the side because of a lack of attention, she will get it in the proceedings. Even if the spouse freaks out, arranges to control the correspondence, e-mail, calls and texts, his actions are perceived by his wife as a manifestation of care. And this means that he needs her, he loves her.
Against the background of worry and phobias of the possible departure of his wife’s husband and begins to change: better dressed, takes care of appearance, gives gifts, arranging romantic evenings, etc.
The wife who cheats on her husband, feels guilty before him, and gradually treats him better: cooks his favorite dishes, drinks and shows other cares. In this way she compensates for the psychological damage caused to him by intrigues on the side.
In any case, there are many more factors that bind her to her husband than to her lover. And by cheating on him, paradoxically, she appreciates him better.
Biochemistry and Psychology
If you personally caught your wife cheating, or she herself admitted to this sin, the situation should be carefully analyzed before making decisions.
When reasoning about a woman’s infidelity, the physiological factor is also taken into account – what hormones were produced in the processes of betrayal?
Opinions of experts come down to the abrupt production of three chemicals: adrenaline, serotonin and dopamine. Somewhat later, oxytocin, the attachment hormone, is formed. It makes for a stronger and longer union.
A woman faces a difficult dilemma: how to stay between two fires (husband and lover), how and which of these unions to break without harming anyone?
The adulteress realizes that the situation is her own fault and that it is extremely difficult to love two men in sync. She has no one to go to for advice except a marriage counselor.
It is easier only for individuals who intend to end their marital ties with a new romance. They have no remorse. The husband is no longer needed. It’s time to start a new phase of life.
The most dodgy young ladies, unable to solve the issue themselves, shift the burden to another person with the help of fake situations. This is how they absolve themselves of responsibility for the dissolution of the marriage.
For example, the wife leaves open romantic correspondence or curious photos. The husband, seeing this, accuses her of adultery and suggests divorce.
The opposite category of adulteresses have very strong ties with the spouse and do not plan to leave him at this point in time. And even a mild affair with a strange man seriously burdens their lives.
Psychologists note the age categories, representatives of which more often decide to cheat. The most common situation is related to the emergence of children, their growth and the emptiness of the house.
Children grow up, leave the parental “nest”, and the couple begins to live separately, each with his own life. Both the wife and husband may have an affair on the side. And later it turns out that they are no longer attached to each other in any way. They end up getting divorced.
But there are also reverse situations, without breakups. And in families, cheating becomes commonplace, and here both spouses can cheat. And side affairs usually last 1-2 years. In most situations these are short-term affairs.
Often the wife is pushed into cheating by the lack of sex in the marriage. During the session with the psychologist it becomes clear that this gap is not the cause, but the consequence of the problems. Conversations are held with the husband, all the difficulties of the marriage are clarified. The result is that the couple does not want to divorce, as they have children. And neither of them wanted to start an outside intrigue.
Then, in order to preserve their union, the couple decide to change the format of the relationship to an open one. That is, formally their marriage continues to exist, but everyone is spinning their own novels.
And often people who do not want to divorce have affairs with married or married citizens. And in this web, everyone tries to preserve their marriage and keep the cheating a secret.
When a wife’s infidelity is 100% confirmed, the most important thing is to contain the negative emotions. The most difficult thing at this point is to resolve the situation peacefully.
Aggression and rudeness with insults convince the cheater of the correctness of her betrayal. And the relationship is destroyed totally.
Recommendations of psychologists here are as follows:
- No scandals, especially in front of strangers, and especially children. This is only a humiliation of women, and a psychological trauma to the younger generation.
- No physical abuse. Hitting, beating and other manifestations of aggression put an end to the relationship and give reason to call the police.
- Do not respond with treason yourself. This will multiply the problem. Don’t rush into decisions.
- No alcohol, especially driving yourself to a strong intoxication. In such a state one loses self-control and control, and commits catastrophic acts, even murder of the adulteress.
- No swift forgiveness. Even if the husband endures the adultery of his wife, there is no need to confess his guilt and immediately forgive the sin. So in the eyes of his wife he will appear as a rag and a weak-willed sack. He will lose all respect for himself. And the cheating will continue.
The main option for the true preservation of the marriage is the absence of adultery. Often they occur after conflicts, cooling of feelings and weakening of mutual understanding. It is better not to prolong the matter and promptly contact a therapist for help.
If his wife’s adultery took place and proved, the proceedings should deal with a highly qualified specialist. He will identify the root of the problem and analyze them. If the spouse understands the reasons for betrayal and can forgive the adulteress, the family union will begin anew.
What to do if your wife is cheating: psychologist’s tips
It is not accepted to talk about women’s treason. And in vain. After all, with the beautiful half of humanity, everything is not as simple as it seems. Wives also decide to cheat, and not so rarely. Perhaps you noticed some suspicious changes in the behavior of his wife? She stopped pestering you with claims, she became very calm, even aloof, does not say much … Not a woman, a dream! But do not hurry to rejoice, because perhaps you are already “carrying horns. You will ask, but what to do if your wife is cheating? First, you need to figure out, and why she decided to betray?
Why does the wife cheat?
Many women, despite being married, sometimes allow themselves to look at other men with interest. Some of them even dare to flirt innocently. This behavior usually does not commit to anything and poses no threat to the marriage. But there are also those who overstep the boundaries and betray their spouses.
Treason is infidelity, betrayal. Despite the universal definition, each person understands it differently. For some men, even a woman’s interested glance in the direction of a stranger is a blow to the self-esteem. Others are willing to forgive his wife if she had sex with someone else on the side, but they can not withstand the emotional treachery. In other words, men’s attitudes toward different types of infidelity may differ. And what are women’s infidelities like? They can be divided into four types:
Rameez Remy , Unsplash
This type of infidelity includes both platonic feelings, as well as the very real love for another man. Often “emotional betrayal” does not end in anything serious, and only rarely does it lead to physical contact with a lover (kissing, hugging, stroking, sex).
Rameez Remy , Unsplash
You now know the basic types of female infidelity. But what do you do if your wife is cheating? Before looking for an answer to this question, study the possible reasons for her unfaithful behavior:
3. lack of attention.
Sometimes there is love between spouses, but the husband stops paying enough attention to his spouse. For example, he gives her compliments less and less often, does not give her gifts, does not arrange nice surprises, stops noticing her new beautiful clothes or hairstyle. Then the spouse may go off in search of that attention from other men.
Caroline Attwood , Unsplash
5. Problems in sex
So many couples shy away from talking about the intimate side of married life and their sexual desires. Because of this, the spouses (often the wife) are not satisfied with sex in the marriage. Women fake orgasms, men think their wives are “logs”. And all because of the inability to talk “heart to heart. Often husbands cheat for this reason, but women also often go in search of sexual satisfaction outside of marriage.
6. Deeply resentful
Treason because of the offense – this is a kind of revenge. And the action of the spouse should be very significant for the woman to decide on this step. For example, the man was the first to cheat or betrayed in some other way. It is important to understand that the experience of betrayal is similar to grieving. And not all people know how to work through feelings (anger and resentment). In this case, cheating becomes a specific emotional release, though very ineffective.
7. Feelings for another man
A woman may suddenly fall in love with a man she does not know, a colleague, a boss, a friend or a former lover. It all depends on the relationship with her husband and her surroundings. If the marriage is all right, such an outcome is unlikely. But when everything with her spouse is not smooth, to put it mildly, she may be ready for the emergence of passionate feelings.
8. Accidental .
Spontaneous infidelity is characteristic not only of men. Women, too, can sometimes “accidentally” commit treason. Most often it happens when there is no spouse. Perhaps at a corporate party, a meeting with friends (if among them there are free men) and even a stranger (in a club, bar, vacation). The reason in this case is banal – most often it is a normal interest and desire to try something new.
9. A long separation from your husband
We are not talking about cheating because her husband comes home late every day (although that does happen). Women are usually quite tolerant of their loved one’s short absences. However, things can change if the spouse leaves his wife for a very long period. For example, he works on a rotational schedule, or his work involves endless trips, and he is not at home. Wives suffer because of the lack of warmth, communication, love, attention and sex. And some of them decide to cheat to satisfy all their needs.
10. Material gain
Cheating can also be a way to make money. How is that possible? It is simple: in the oldest profession there are not only free girls, but also quite married ones. Usually husbands have no idea about their wives’ moonlighting. And that is where we can talk about adultery. After all, sex for money, which the spouse knows about, can hardly be considered treason.
11. A sign of gratitude.
Some wives are ready to thank a strange man with their body for services or help, if he asks for it. The reason for this strange attitude is low self-esteem and the position of the victim. Such women seriously believe that they can not refuse.
Take into account these basic reasons, because they will depend on your further actions. But wait, it’s not time to think about what to do if your wife is cheating. First, consider the signs you can tell: is she definitely not faithful to you? After all, you could be wrong, despite your intuition and past life experiences.
Jernej Graj , Unsplash
How do you know if your wife is cheating?
Of course, it would be very easy to suspect your spouse of cheating if you found condoms or birth control pills in her purse. But it’s not so easy: few women will be so blatant “cry” about her infidelity. So the very first thing you need to pay attention to is serious changes in your wife’s behavior and appearance. So before you decide what to do if your wife is cheating, look at the other signs of feminine infidelity. Your spouse may have betrayed you if she:
2. Trying to have less contact with you.
Remember, does she look you in the eye or look away? Does she give you a one-syllable answer or the usual detailed one? Is she sitting in a closed pose? You know, what kind of answers indicate that the spouse is away from you. This could mean that she has someone else.
3. not in a hurry to go home.
She used to rush to leave work early, but now all of a sudden there are a lot of unexpected business trips or girlfriend meetings? Think about it. Especially if she spends a lot of time after work at places she couldn’t get her to before.
6. Unexpectedly changed her image.
The change is as much about clothes as it is about a change in image in general. If before she only cared about closet convenience, and now she’s looking for gorgeous dresses, heels, stockings, and lingerie, that’s a cause for concern. She used to hate sports, was skeptical about going to the beautician, rarely went to the hairdresser? And now all she does is take care of her appearance? Yes, maybe it’s all just for your eyes. But maybe there’s some other reason for this change?
Rameez Remy , Unsplash
7. Acting mysterious and secretive
Another extreme behavior of a spouse can be indicative of cheating – excessive secrecy. Here you enter the room, and she hides the phone or turns away from you the computer. Or goes somewhere to talk to a “friend.” When asked where she’s been, you get silence. All of this is suspicious and could mean you’ve been betrayed.
8. Seems happy or dreamy for no apparent reason
She is constantly somewhere in her thoughts but not here, she doesn’t listen to you, she looks often aloof and happy, often smiles for no reason? This condition is often seen when you are in love. If you know for sure that she doesn’t have such vivid emotions for you, you can suspect her of cheating.
9. She has become overprotective.
She has become more delicious than ever, constantly brings you tea or coffee in bed, wonders if you want anything and is willing to do anything for you. And that’s not like her. This behavior is seen in women who feel guilty about their wrongdoing. If you don’t see any reason to be so overprotective, there’s a good chance you’re no longer being faithful.
10. Changed her attitude toward sex with you
She has either become cold to you or, on the contrary, excessively passionate. These things don’t just happen. The first behavior clearly screams that something is wrong. And the second you can rejoice, but should you? It’s certainly not a major sign of cheating, but abrupt changes in sex can speak to her infidelity.
11. Accepts expensive gifts from someone.
She comes now and then with a bouquet of flowers, then with expensive jewelry, then with a new perfume. At the same time, you can see that it didn’t take her, your or your common money. And to your questions she gives ambiguous answers. Maybe there’s something fishy going on. And it has to do with her new admirer.
All of these signs together accurately indicate a fait accompli: you were cheated on. But, if there are few signs, it is worth thinking hard before you make such high-profile conclusions. Sometimes additional verification is needed. But, if you know for sure or have identified absolutely certain signs of cheating? Proceed to explore what to do if your wife cheated on you. The advice of a psychologist will help you in this.
Jernej Graj , Unsplash
Tips from a psychologist
Despite the fact that one of the main reasons spouses divorce is cheating on one of them, everything is not so unambiguous. Your marriage may be one of those relationships that can be saved. So, what steps you need to take if you find out your wife cheated:
First step: give yourself time to recover from the shock.
Initially, once you find out about the cheating, you don’t need to jump to any hasty conclusions. Exhale and take a break. If necessary, distract yourself. The main thing is not to take any decisive action.
Step Two: Talk to a significant other/psychologist
It’s important to choose someone who knows how to listen, not give advice. You should speak out and get support. It is better if it is a specialist.
Step Three: Don’t squeeze negative feelings inside yourself
Forget the stereotype that men do not cry. Albeit alone with yourself, but it is necessary. Maybe you want to scream, then it is better to choose a suitable place for this, where you do not scare anyone. You can express your feelings on paper. In any case, no matter what you choose, you should not suppress pain, anger and resentment in any case. But also to throw out all your negativity on those around you too should not.
Step four: Analyze the situation
Only after the first three steps can you think calmly and in a balanced way about what to do if your wife is cheating. Analyze the reasons that led her to this action, what you did not notice in her changed behavior, where you both made mistakes, whether there is still love between you. And only then proceed to the final decision: leave or try to save the marriage.
Fifth step: make a decision.
First, you don’t have to forgive your unfaithful spouse. Second, marriage is a team, and it’s up to both spouses to work on it. So if you’re not ready to forgive and work on the relationship, you shouldn’t try to save the marriage. If you love her, are serious about change, and feel you can forgive your spouse, “cutting from the shoulder” is not an option. But in that case, how should you proceed? How to save the marriage? To figure this out will help you psychologist’s advice.
Jernej Graj , Unsplash
How to save a marriage
Of course, saving your marriage doesn’t depend on you alone. But you can make your own significant changes that will help you both feel mutual warmth and closeness again. So, what you need to do to restore trust with your spouse:
As painful as it is, this is a basic necessary step. Unfortunately, this is very difficult to do on your own. Therefore, it is recommended to work through your feelings with a psychologist (preferably a family psychologist).
Analyze your mistakes
You are not responsible for your wife’s actions, but you can analyze your own blunders that prompted her to cheat. Remember that you are interconnected: what you do affects her and vice versa.
Openly talk to her
Together to solve all the accumulated problems is much easier. So get used to discussing with his wife all their worries. When you learn to share your feelings with her, you will become much closer. The same goes for her experiences: listen to your spouse, support, do not ignore her in any way.
Do not stop respecting her.
Never bring up an old grudge or humiliate your wife because of her mistake. If you decided to stay with her, it means you care about her and you made a decision to be with her despite her cheating. So be consistent. Respect is one of the basic foundations of a marriage.
Give her the attention she needs.
If you remember, lack of attention is exactly what can lead to a woman cheating. So try to do everything so that infidelity on her part will not happen again. Remember why you fell in love with her, watch her every day, do not forget to note its merits. Give gifts, ask her out on a date. Make her feel loved by you, not a stranger.
Discuss sexual problems with her
Perhaps you and your wife had problems in intimate life: the lack of sex, or lack of it, dissatisfaction, awkwardness in the process. Then you need to discuss sex issues with her, and not just make any decisions alone. It’s time to get to know each other, because the restoration of your relationship depends on it.
Jernej Graj , Unsplash
“Refresh” your marriage.
Do your best to make you and your spouse forget about the routine in your marriage. Do unexpected and pleasant things, organize various family events. Become an active presenter in your marriage, and you will see all resentments forgotten and your wife feel happy.
Express your emotions in the right way
And most importantly, in time. What will the suppression of negative emotions lead to? Only a future explosion. Believe me, none of the feelings that arise go anywhere. It stays inside a person if it is not expressed in time. So “do not drive to sin”: angry, resentful, annoyed, speak out immediately, before feelings do not merge into a huge snowball. But do not shout and do not be aggressive if you are a very temperamental man. Remain calm. Remember that the goal is not to hurt your spouse, but to tell her your dissatisfaction and try to find a compromise together.
Find something to do together.
You should have something to bond over (besides children, if you have any). This can be anything: start repairs in the apartment, house, at the cottage. Or choose a common hobby. The main thing is to unite to solve one problem. This brings people very close together. Just do not forget that during joint activities, arguments and quarrels can arise. Try to take them in a constructive direction.
Pay attention to any joyful little things in family life
Learn to enjoy family life. To do this it’s enough to notice all sorts of seemingly insignificant details. No matter what it will be: the child got an excellent grade in school, the spouse cooked a delicious meal, etc. There’s always a reason to be happy if you’re willing to see all those little things.
What to do if your wife is cheating you already know. Now the question is: how to act categorically forbidden, so as not to make things worse? So, you can’t:
- physically or emotionally harm your wife and/or children;
- Cheat back;
- blackmail the children;
- Involve other people in the situation;
All of these actions will not only negatively affect your reputation, but can also lead to more unfortunate consequences. So behave with dignity. Infidelity – is not the end of life. It can survive and move on or try to save the family.
So, you are now aware of what to do if your wife cheats. Statistics say that more often than not, even one adultery destroys a marriage. But remember, the decision to stay or divorce rests entirely on your shoulders (unless the wife herself intends to leave). Whatever conclusions you draw, no one has the right to judge you. It’s your life, your feelings, and you don’t have to conform to anyone else’s expectations. Just in any case, do not do anything rash on emotion and “save your face”, because you have to live with him.