If a man wants to break up: we understand in general terms

What can not be done when a man has decided to leave?

Breaking up a relationship is always a trauma and loss, it is always painful. In any case, it hurts the self-esteem of both partners, because a breakup is always a loss.

It is important to be able to behave competently in such a situation so as not to make things worse, to try to maintain self-control and to mitigate the possible consequences for both parties as much as possible.

It is one thing when a man and a woman have met for 1-3 years and lived together. And a completely different situation when people have been together for 10, 15, 20 years, they have grown children, they have lived half of their lives, it is very difficult to let go. A huge amount of not only emotional ties have been formed between them, but property ties as well. The longer they’ve been together, the more painful the breakup will be.

But if you react correctly during this period, the result may surprise you.

In this article I will tell you:

  • How to properly go through a breakup?
  • What mistakes exactly do not need to make a woman in relation to a man at this time of life?
  • How to cope with his feelings after the breakup?

We also have prepared a video in which this topic is covered in more detail:

Don’t try to hold on

You are driven by emotions, you want to work things out and talk, but unfortunately, at this point you are no longer together. Don’t try to hold a man back because a man never just walks away. Men are dominated by logical thinking, the left hemisphere. A man has analyzed, he has made conclusions for himself, he has thought for a long time, he has prepared himself.

Men and women think differently, and when a man says the word “no”, it means no. Girls are more sensitive by nature: and if a girl says, “That’s it, we’re getting a divorce!” it doesn’t mean we’re getting a divorce. Because at that moment she was ruled by emotion.

If your man said: “That’s it, I’ve made up my mind that we’re breaking up,” he packs his things and leaves, there’s no need to try to hold him back at that point, because no amount of persuading, pleading is going to help. Things went wrong for you a long time ago. Someone needed to make that decision because the field of your relationship is so strained that it’s unbearable to be together there.

When a woman starts obstructing a man, he may stay for a while because of pity. Think about how you will feel? When you have a man next to you who you are trying to keep by any means possible, and he looks at you with pity? It’s even worse than if he weren’t there.

That makes it even more painful for both you and the man. And no partner will want to come back to you because of pity. A man wants to love you, not pity you. Could not build a relationship: did not know how, did not know how, could not agree. But this does not mean that by all means to keep the relationship.

Do not bore.

You let the man go and go about your business. I understand that the woman pulls back, drawn to remind herself, but this only makes the situation worse and drives away the man even more. Constant calls, letters, you are carrying, emotions are whipping, you can not hold back. Especially the likes in social networks – so you show: “I’m watching you, I will not let you go, I will control all the same. And the man is annoyed. You are hurting yourself, you are not helping the situation, it is not resolved because of this, but on the contrary, it is aggravating.

Ask your girlfriends for help, have them delete his number from your phone. If he is your husband, you can do the same thing to make you feel better. Let the man think, and when he needs to, he will come. This behavior of yours does not mean cutting off contact forever, especially if it is your husband, if you have children.

So you protect yourself from pain in a period of strong accumulation of emotions and leave the man alone. Free energy you need to put in another direction, so that you recover faster so that the conflict calmed down.

Do not look for the cause only in themselves.

You were building a relationship together. When an event occurred, the man left, a woman begins to dig within herself, she begins to blame herself, the analysis is based on self-hatred: I did not give enough tenderness, I did not say something. You danced this dance together and you can’t be responsible for the two of you.

Relationship is a system, it can be in three states: the first state is degradation, when everything starts to fall apart; the second state is static, the relationship was in stagnation (everyday life, every day the same thing); the third option is when your system, your relationship is in growth. The moment the man left is growth for you, for him.

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Don’t use blackmail

Blackmail is definitely a bad method. It is very common because women are driven by a thirst for revenge. Especially when there are children, the pain and resentment can overshadow everything else. And a war can start. Don’t let this happen.

It is very bad when a woman says to a man, “I won’t let you see your children!”

You have to realize that you are pouring oil on the fire with this ultimatum. The man at this point looks at you and realizes that he didn’t leave in vain. “Just as you didn’t understand anything, you still don’t understand!” – he turns around and has no contact with the children, even if there was such a desire.

After such a breakup, the children suffer even more because they form intrapersonal child-parent conflict. Children love both parents with an unconditional love.

Imagine yourself as a little girl, in front of you are your parents – mom and dad. Suddenly they say to you, “Who do you choose?” The child is not able to make this choice, such questions and actions you just kill him.

So break the contact between father and child in any case can not. Especially at a time when it’s not clear how it will all end. Remember that in spite of the separation of mom and dad, you need to help children as softly as possible to make the transition to a new life where you live separately.

Don’t shut yourself off.

Shutting yourself off from everyone is a lottery ticket to depression, and depression is followed by changing states, and as a consequence, illness. In such a state, a woman does not draw conclusions, does not try to get out of the situation effectively.

In such moments, you need to give vent to the emotions that are driving you. Emotions push you to do the wrong thing: to control, endlessly call, send some kind of insult. These emotions you have accumulated in relation to each other for your life together. They should not be suppressed.

You can come for help to any of your friends and relatives, to say: “Sit with me, talk. You can also cry, but you don’t have to be alone. If you have a good relationship with your mother, she will give you feedback, she will give you support. If not, there are mentors, teachers, psychologists.

One man is not a warrior in the field. It is extremely difficult for a person to cope with such an avalanche of negative feelings alone.

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Do not retaliate against a man.

Do not do petty nastiness, do not set against a man mutual friends, do not write negative comments – have the dignity not to show the whole world, how you can not cope with themselves. You created this situation together, and there is no need to bring your problems to the public.

Remember how low it looks when scandals in the families of famous people are made public. But these people are always in the crosshairs of the cameras, and you have a choice. Don’t take it personally.

Don’t get hung up on the man/situation.

At one of my free debriefings on Instagram a girl asked a question: “Alla, why, when I broke up with my boyfriend, I got a hobby, I feel so great? I was kind of happy in the relationship, in my own way. But when I was alone, became even happier.

All this because before, a girl’s whole life revolved around a man. When the object came out of the system, she remembered that she herself exists, that she has her own interests. If you are not happy, unhappy, because your object of adoration did not give you something, you will suffer. That’s why a person’s first priority should be himself, and then his partner.

That’s not selfishness. The woman is the source. Either light or darkness. Either she will destroy, or she will be a peacemaker and will create peace around herself. So deal with your inner state, think about what you are broadcasting through yourself, your emotions, words and actions.

Once I asked my spiritual master, “Why a woman gives herself to a man, circles around him, serves him, accompanies him through life, and then he leaves her? Why, can you tell me?” And then he said to me, “If it’s not your fortune that comes first in your life, but a man, you’re going to ruin everything.

When your only interest in life is him, then the man is around you and you’re not. And then he looks at you and realizes that you have become uninteresting. Because you wiped his crown, ran around with a rag, spent 20 years on it, and then he turns around and leaves you for a young girl. It’s very sad. So the moment he decides to leave tells you that the focus needs to be on yourself.

Start analyzing and looking for answers to the question, why in your life did this happen? The breakup is your chance, and for both of you, to be happy.

A woman at this point is a re-evaluation of the past, the situation, their thoughts and actions. Man also does not run on the third day to meet with other women, so they lick his wounds. Because he doesn’t have the resource either, he’s angry at women, looking at them: “I’d kill them!”

To get back to a resourceful state again, you have to fix yourself. Both of you are like squeezed lemons nobody needs, both of you are wounded people.

Give both yourself and your man time to catch your breath. Maybe after rethinking what happened, you will get back together, or you will start a relationship with other people, but in a new way. Build a new and try to restore the old only after the internal changes, otherwise you again will be caught up in failure.

You don’t have to make any sudden moves and say it’s over, don’t hold back, don’t call, don’t criticize yourself or him, especially in front of other people. Express your feelings ecologically, live the situation with dignity.

There is no need to blackmail with real estate, money, children, don’t shut yourself away, because it is fraught with even greater consequences. Go the way of creation, not destruction.

Man offered to break up: end or a new beginning

If a man asked to break up, this means that your relationship was far from ideal. At least in his understanding. However, there are clear signs that you can tell that everything is coming to an end.

Relationships are hard work and require full commitment from two people. Sometimes breaking up really becomes the only way out if you can not find common ground. But there is always a chance to make things right. And today we will tell you exactly how to do it.

Verbal signs that a man will soon propose to break up

You are accustomed to the fact that your beloved himself devotes you in the details of his life, tells about work, friends, making plans. However, now about such a conversation is out of the question or they are becoming increasingly rare.

Favourite stopped interested in your life. He did not care where and with whom you spend time, what you do.

Man refuses to talk heart to heart and is doing everything to avoid such an emotional rapprochement, because it scares him. Usually tries to gently skip over to domestic topics.

Gone are all the affectionate nicknames that he used to use when talking to you. In their place are formal appeals.

He seeks to destroy the positive image of his mind partner – it is necessary, so that then do not regret the breakup. Therefore, do not notice her strengths or depreciate them, emphasizing the disadvantages.

From his speech disappeared words on which you can understand that you are really a couple: instead of “we”, he says “you and I”, things and plans are no longer “our”, but also “yours and mine. There are no images of a future together in the speech, as the man thinks about proposing a breakup and lives solely in the present. He won’t promise anything now, because he has yet to pick up the rest of the promises made.

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He talks about other women more often, whether they are coworkers or casual acquaintances. From time to time he mentions former girlfriends, recalls places where he once had a good time.

Your partner scares questions about the future together: he exhales heavily after a pause and just agrees with your statement or give the shortest possible answer: “Yes”, “Yeah. After that the conversation sharply changes direction.

The man’s attitude towards his chosen one has changed greatly: before she was perceived as a gentle creature, requiring care and protection. Now he sees an ordinary hysterical woman, next to whom you can not be shy in expressing yourself. During conflicts, the man is harsh and cruel. For the wife, such a situation is a way to get rid of negative emotions, her questions are rhetorical, because she does not need an answer. She wants her chosen one to calm her down and let her know that he loves her. It is worth thinking about, if the partner does not agree to such a scenario, irritated, because there is a high probability that his feelings are gone. It is love that usually allows a man to avoid resentment by participating in such a woman’s game.

Active criticism combined with phrases like “You’re in your repertoire”, “Well, as usual”, “Everything with you is clear”, “You don’t get along with anyone”, “The truth they say”, “Not even your mother can communicate with you”. Thus, even if the man has not yet offered to break up, he extends his dissatisfaction to a group of people: relatives, friends, colleagues. It is important to generalize problems, to show you your own mistakes as if they were terrible and irreparable defects in personality. In addition, with the help of this technique, he wants to lower your self-esteem, because well aware of what you are the most painful comparisons.

Non-verbal signs of impending separation

Once near his woman, a man tries to quickly remove himself to another territory. He is silent, during the evening may say a few words, and do not wait that they will be filled with affection and love. He is most concerned about his own affairs and tasks, because he wants to avoid communicating with his former lover. It is likely that the man will soon offer to break up.

The partner refuses to take the initiative in the relationship. You’re used to him calling several times a day, but now you get a couple of text messages with the standard phrase: “Hi, how are you?” With the help of messages he tries to calm you down, although he does not want to communicate. Over time, you’ll notice that he answers the phone, but he never calls first.

He is more jealous of his smartphone, spending more and more time on it that he used to spend with you. The phone may now be in a closed case that does not allow you to see the screen, or lies on the display.

The man is no longer touched by his partner’s tears, his embrace is dictated solely by mercy. He constantly checks the time, looks at his phone, and is quickly irritated by your emotions.

If you find yourself in a pleasant environment together and want to take selfies together, his chosen one asks to take a picture of him alone and immediately posts the picture on social media. He has important viewers, which is why he is in such a hurry.

He tries not to meet your parents, even if before he always happily went to visit. The fact is that parents are a symbol of conscience. The man has not yet proposed to break up and is well aware that these people perceive him as the future husband of his daughter, so he is nervous during such meetings.

The young man sees the money spent on you not as an investment, but as a wasted expense. May show stinginess. He listens to his mother’s opinion when it comes to investing in your relationship.

He views your requests as unreasonable and unimportant, your tone seems unhappy and harsh to him. And in any attempts to get closer, he sees only a violation of personal space.

A man can give and easily take back the word given to you. His attitude toward his partner has changed, causing his values to change as well.

3 reasons why a man has offered to break up

A man offers to break up and leave a woman in several cases:

Lack of freedom.

Often a woman wants to spend all her free time next to her beloved, while any member of the stronger sex needs some freedom. Without this condition, the relationship will not be harmonious, they are deprived of the future.

But here we should not go to extremes: No, you do not have to give your lover the opportunity to flirt with women. He just needs time to communicate with friends, hobbies. Consider it as a chance to relax in silence and solitude or to meet with girlfriends.

He is no longer attracted to you.

A man may offer to break up if he stopped liking you. This manifests itself as a lack of attention, the partner ceases to care for you, to show feelings.

Usually here it is difficult to blame the man, as many women relax and forget that they need to continue to look after themselves. This is especially true when the couple has been together for many years. For any representative of the stronger sex is very important the appearance of his life partner, he needs to understand that you are trying for him.

Does not feel important.

A man needs to feel needed, important in the relationship. If you make it clear that pretty well cope without it, you hurt his self-confidence, hurt his sense of dignity.

Few men are willing to put up with it. So once you realized that the cause of your discord in your excessive autonomy, try to quickly correct the situation.

Typical mistakes of women, if a man asked to break up

In a painful situation, many women are outwardly calm and agree to a breakup. But such a reaction to the fact that a man proposed to break up, there is a usual defense mechanism. The wounded partner believes that she has to save face and accept the wishes of the chosen one.

Surrounding people may approve of such behavior, because it is important to respect yourself, not to humiliate a man. But there are nuances.

To begin with, the man is confused – you have been around for a long time, and then it seemed to him that it was time to end your journey together. By the calm and cold reaction he understands that you are of a similar opinion, you are not satisfied with the union, you do not love your partner.

It is unlikely that you really want to pass this information on to your lover. There is a difficult moment for both of you in the relationship, the man is doubtful and confused, you need to be wiser. Unless, of course, you really don’t want to admit your desire to end it all.

Almost any woman would like to save the relationship. Especially if she is confident in the harmony of the union and was not prepared for the fact that her man will propose to break up.

You need to figure out what happened, to understand why your loved one decided to act that way. Here it is important to remain calm, not letting your emotions take over. Your tantrum will be a catalyst for a defensive reaction from the man – he will start to lie. Forget about your true feelings for now, so that you can calmly find out why he decided to do this. It is important to give him positive information: let him know how well you feel about him, appreciate your relationship. He also needs to hear how hard it is for you to receive such an offer from him. After that you need to ask him what he doesn’t like. As a result, you will tell him how you feel and find out the origins of his decision.

This is the best way to get into a dialogue, which allows you to do without scandals, tantrums. Do not be afraid of a long conversation, because if the man wants to leave, it means there is a problem. It can only be in his perceptions or in the relationship itself. In order to find out, you will have to talk it all through. That way you can both figure out what’s wrong. Let your partner voice the grievances, the fears that made him ready to leave your union.

Even if you do split up, after the man proposed to break up, it is now necessary to sort everything out. Through this move, you will protect yourself from pain, because any breakup becomes a psychological trauma. Otherwise, your perception of the world around you will change greatly, even if you do not feel these changes. The residue and resentment will stay with you for a long time and can negatively affect the new relationship. And the most unpleasant scenario after the departure of a man is depression and loneliness for years.

The reason for any fears, concerns, doubts lie in the wrong end of the relationship, but not in the fact of parting with his beloved. After all, you still do not understand the reasons, you just walked away from the problem. Instead, talk and remember that it is important for you to take care of yourself.

Ways to get back a man who has left

When it’s been more than two or three years since a man proposed to break up, it will be difficult to win his favor again and start dating. If you haven’t been in touch all this time, the easiest way to start is to connect remotely through social media, apps like Skype or Zoom.

Write to the man, find out how he’s doing, whether there is a new relationship. Ask about family, friends, tell about changes in your life. Do not try to offer to meet in the first message, because this action just seem strange, and the man is likely to refuse. And if you yourself once dumped him, it is certainly not worth it to call on a date right away.

After a couple of months of communication online you can hint at a meeting. Say, say, that you have an extra ticket to the movies, but no company. If the chosen one will agree and communication you are not disappointed, go ahead. Invite him into the general company and ask him to pretend to be your boyfriend, even if once the man proposed to break up.

But sometimes hints don’t work, then text him directly – it can be an e-mail, message on Skype or social networks or a simple text message. You will help these phrases:

For a long time I thought why we broke up and didn’t change anything. We still have a chance, don’t you think? I’d like to take it.

I feel bad without you. Let’s not torture ourselves if you feel the same way.

I want to believe we’ll still be together.

Let’s try to start over, without accusations and fighting.

I need you. I realized that all the time I was waiting only for you.

I promise to do everything to make you feel good, if we decide to be together.

If you know exactly how to behave, what to say and do, what actions and words to avoid, you can return the love you once gave up.

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