He doesn’t love me – the psychologist answers
Articles on the psychology of love
He does not love me – why is it so painful? Life is like an old silent movie. Black and white, no smell, no sound … He does not need me. But I love him. How do I understand why this happens? Is there anything I can do, either forget him or fall in love with him? Why am I so worried and suffering? In this article, we’ll look at the answers to all of these difficult questions. Read carefully, dear reader. I will try to help in word and advice.
Well, he does not love me!
“….Well, he doesn’t love you! – With these words, his new girlfriend slammed the door in my face. He never would have said that himself. This girl had been listed with him for months as just “a friend to talk to, to discuss hockey, she was into hockey too.” So, one day, I went to his house. I came unannounced, because my heart was aching. I rang the doorbell. Lights on, car parked in the driveway. So she’s home. Oh, the door wouldn’t open. And it wasn’t until I text-bombed him that he said he wasn’t alone. And she opened the door. To say that he does not love me…”
Realizing, believing that you are not loved and not needed is very hard, sometimes impossible.
Your own psychic PROJECTION comes into play. Projection is a phenomenon in psychology, when you attribute to another person what you yourself feel about him. If you love, it seems to you that you must be loved in return.
And, then, all you have to do is face facts. Because facts are inexorable. We can fantasize all we want. But the facts will tell the whole truth.
I HATE that he doesn’t love me – fact #1.
If a girl says she “isn’t sure he loves me,” she probably does.
Why did I refer to this as a fact? Because we are creatures who read information in more than just words.
According to psychological studies, only 7% of information is conveyed by words. The other 93% we get through nonverbal communication. These are facial expressions, gestures, a variety of signs from a man, postures, energy.
So, no matter what the man says to you, you perfectly read his real attitude towards you. Especially, given that many girls have a high level of mental sensitivity and empathy (the ability to feel another).
In addition to the fact that we can read the man’s feelings by his non-verbalism, there are other obvious signs, by which you can accurately understand that the man does not love you. His behavior, his actions are also the facts, which, despite your desire that he loves you, speak for themselves.
And looking at these facts, one day you say “I do not believe that he loves me”. What are these signs? –
SIGNS that a man doesn’t love you – Fact #2.
1.He said he doesn’t love me.
A man can say this for two reasons.
The first is that he is telling the truth so that you will get off his back and understand everything.
The second – he thus manipulates you, trying to break your will, to bend you, to subjugate you psychologically. That is to say, in the second case, he is trying to trick you into behaving as he wants in this cruel way.
Now, pay attention. A loving man will never do the first or the second. After all, “the dick is the same as the dick”. It makes no difference whether he told you he doesn’t love you, or he manipulates you. Because he does not love you – in both cases!
If a man just “doesn’t say he loves me,”
That’s another case. Here it is more important to focus on his actions, saying that he loves you – help, care, attention, gifts, desire to be with you.
You know, among a lot of men there are those who in the family just did not learn to say “I love you. Well they do not know how! However, this does not always mean that he certainly does not love. In addition to his actions, it is important to focus on non-verbal signs of sincere interest in you, such as:
By sight, especially the dilated pupils, you can see that a man to you is not indifferent. A little training – and you will begin to notice these very dilated pupils and a twinkle in his eyes when he looks at you.
But, look, don’t confuse them with a situation where the lighting is just dark, or he’s been drinking some psychoactive substances. Because, they also make his pupils shine and dilate.
Aside from the look, the urge to touch you.
He will hold your hand, breathe your hair, stroke your head. The desire to touch in this case is a pronounced tenderness.
He will make you laugh as hard as he can and be happy if he succeeds. Men really like it when the woman they love laughs at his various jokes.
These are the non-verbal signs a man gives you that he loves you, even if he doesn’t say out loud that he loves you.
2. he is irritated, and everything in you to him “not so, all do not like.
And that’s when you get a lot of “I don’t know if he loves me.”
No matter what you do, you can’t please him. And yet, the girl may be very attractive, well-groomed, smart, and so on. No, she does not. But what is love as a concept? It’s when we like something or someone VERY much, – that is love. It’s simple.
3. he doesn’t love me, but he’s dating.
There’s an expression, “A man is always with you for one of two reasons: either he loves you or he uses you.” It’s harsh, but it’s true. If a man is dating a girl, but she’s “not sure if he loves me.” That means she feels that he’s taking advantage of her.
This, in fact, happens quite often. And, this situation stays in your life until you want it to stop and change everything.
A guy can take advantage of what?
In addition to physical intimacy, a guy (man) can use a girl as a mental object, especially if you tend to be helpful by nature. Then, you are classified as a psychological donor. These are the kind of people who are sensitive, empathic, and ready to be compassionate and helpful.
In this case, every time a woman feels devastated after communicating with him. She feels like she’s been fucked good, but not thanked symmetrically for it. And, I repeat: you will have such a situation until you yourself don’t want it. And, you will stop it.
4. “He doesn’t love me as a woman”, “He doesn’t want me”.
Or, “The man does not see me as beautiful, does not say that I am beautiful. Doesn’t admire me. Doesn’t post pictures of us together on social media (why?). And, as a result of all this outrage, you realize “he doesn’t love me as a woman.”
Although, at the same time, it is quite possible to spend the night at your place, eat your pies and soups. And, talk in your company about politics and life. Even if he tells you that he cares about you, it may be true. But you’re a woman. You want to be loved, wanted. Not a comrade in a skirt.
Author: Catherine Kholodova, psychologist. You can sign up to see me ONLINE consultation over Skype, WhatsApp, Skype, Telegram, Weber
He LOVED THE BFF and not me – Fact #3
Talking to girls who met on a dating site and quickly got into a relationship with an unfamiliar man, I noticed a recurring nuance.
After a while it often turns out that the guy recently got out of a relationship. And he still has feelings for his previous girlfriend. And he came to the site just to “patch up the breakup wound. In this case, the new woman can be sure that the man to her with all his heart.
But, no, he just licks his wounds, distracts himself, so to speak.
The situation is very unpleasant and fraught with the fact that if the former suddenly decides to rehabilitate the relationship. Then he doesn’t hesitate to leave the new girl for the old one.
Ah, you have already had time to fall in love. You’ve already made plans. And, in your mind you created a family and had children with this man.
He goes back to his ex, and you’re left with a broken heart and bitter thoughts of “He never loved me. He loved his ex, not me.” That’s right, he never loved you.
That’s why I always urge women, girls – look at him for at least six months! Don’t rush to make plans and dream about marriage! It’s quite possible that a man is still with his ex-girlfriend in his head and heart. So you can meet, communicate, quietly learn from him what he has in mind.
Do not hurry with your plans and conclusions.
Our wonderful psychologist M. Litvak has a concept of “productive stage of the relationship. According to this concept, the strongest relationships are possible when you have been together production stage.
In other words, worked together, together you learn. That’s when you long observe the person, what his character. Whether he was in a relationship. And, if he was, what became of his relationship and his ex?
In today’s conditions, when the vast majority of people get acquainted not necessarily through the production stage, but through dating sites, – it is very important NOT to rush to conclusions! So that you don’t end up with the bitter disappointment of “He just didn’t love me. He loves someone else, not me.”
If he never loved you and still loves someone else and not you, all we have to do is accept that fact and experience it as a loss.
Yes, it is a loss. It is the shattering of an illusion, and it hurts. But, the sooner you realize for yourself the truth – that he loves the ex and not you, the sooner your healing will take place.
Why? Because as long as we stay in an illusion and hope, we are still the head in the relationship. Even if we are physically out of them.
But once we have accepted for ourselves the bitter painful truth – that’s when we are able to get out psychologically from this relationship that we don’t need. And we can let the man go. We can forget this man forever.
WHY doesn’t he love me?
“Oh, the cry of women of all times: My darling, what have I done to you?” M. Tsvetaeva
This isn’t going to be a test or a guessing game, but a professional psychological answer. Which is dictated by life and my counseling experience.
Nothing, girls. Nothing you have not done. You are not loved at all because you are:
- Not thin enough/not fat enough.
- Not pretty enough/ too pretty
- Too emotional / too unemotional
- Too fast/slow
- Too dumb/smart (scholarly)
- Extremely vivacious, energetic/homely quiet
- Too sociable/not sociable enough
- And so on, the list goes on.
- But, the main point, I think, is clear.
“I feel bad, he doesn’t love me, there’s something wrong with me…” I remember there was a show on TV a long time ago. It was called Love at First Sight. Three guys and three girls, who didn’t know each other before, were talking about themselves one by one. Then they went into a room and “voted” for the one they liked. Then, the results were announced.
And if a boy and a girl mutually chose each other, everyone was happy, because they made a couple. But sometimes there wasn’t a couple. Because the one who liked one chose the other. And so, one by one, everyone picked, and there was no couple. It’s about “We choose, we are chosen, how it often does not coincide.
So the answer to “why we are not loved” is NOT in us. And, it is not in your power. Just as it is not in our power to make someone love us.
Why? Because there are a thousand factors that influence a person’s choices. All of these factors are the result of his years of life experience and the totality of his unconscious beliefs.
Also influenced by his upbringing, and personal appearance preferences.
And he doesn’t necessarily like pretty girls, no. He will like something familiar, familiar from childhood, most often resembling his mother or an actress (singer) whom he saw on TV in his childhood and who has fallen into his heart. Or the first girl from kindergarten, who kissed as a child.
And, then the question isn’t, “Why doesn’t he love me?”
“WHAT TO DO if he doesn’t love me” is the more important question.
“Don’t need it, I love him.” What to do?
The right thing to do is quit the activity of knocking on a door that is closed to you.
Why? Waste your time, energy, youth and energy on someone who doesn’t need you. Go where you are loved. There are always people who like us, who enjoy interacting with us. They love us.
Women often say to me, “Yes, there’s an admirer. But, ew, I don’t like him.” And here, this one, the scoundrel who doesn’t want it – I love him.
This is the situation we always see in a destructive attachment scenario.
This attachment scenario is formed in childhood with the people closest to you – mom, dad, siblings.
For a variety of reasons, your (unconscious!) script is written: you have to love someone who doesn’t love you (or, loves you badly). That is, for you as a child, love was glued to suffering.
It could have been anything: traumatic situations of rejection, abandonment, rejection, invisibility trauma, toxicity in family relationships, moral abuse (or physical abuse), and so on.
But whatever it is, the result is this: The person I love is the one who is hurting me.
If this program is written into your unconscious, then that is where those who love are “eww. Ah, give me this one “I feel bad, he doesn’t love me – I’ll take it. What I need.”
He doesn’t love me MORE signs – Top 7
Signs that a man doesn’t love me anymore, in addition to those listed above, are always visible.
Why? Because A guy (husband, man) will not play the role of being in love unless he is interested in your money or other perks.
Therefore, from caring, gentle, sensitive he:
- Turns into irritable at almost every word and deed you say or do. He won’t necessarily speak out. But, you can tell irritation (or disgust) from his facial expression.
- Becomes bored next to you. He does not want to talk, he is lazy. Especially, to support some conversations that are important to you. He is bored, he is lethargic. As if he wants to do more interesting things as soon as possible.
- He does. Something else is much more interesting to him now than you. Therefore, he burrows to refuse to spend time together.
- In addition, infidelity or simply, interest in other girls (women), which he poorly disguises.
- Gone are the compliments. He no longer sees you as beautiful, smart, wonderful.
- He may be outright telling you that he doesn’t love you anymore.
- The main sign – you just FEEL all your skin, heart and soul this imbalance of importance – “He does not love me, I used to love. But, now, he definitely doesn’t.” At the same time, you are hitting yourself to “prove your love” to him. Hoping, thus, to return his interest back. But, there is no effect. It seems to you, “I love and he doesn’t see it.”
Conclusion. Get over unrequited love and become stronger. Tell yourself: Let him not love me. I’ll move on and be sure to meet my happiness!
How to act if my husband said he no longer loves me?
From a loved one wants to hear only good words. You want to be sure that no matter what happens around, your home is the place where you will be supported and understood. But, unfortunately, sometimes your husband says that he does not love, or feelings have passed. How to respond?
You can react in many ways. But be sure to consider the nature of her husband and the circumstances in which the words came out of it. If your husband says them at any quarrel, you quickly get used to them and stop noticing them. But hearing it for the first time hurts.
Threatening during an argument
In the heat of a quarrel, emotions run wild. You want to hurt your opponent, to hurt him more. Why not threaten to leave and say there is no love anymore?
In the beginning it is hard to hear when your husband says he does not love. But if your husband threatens to do it every chance he gets, it’s a pittance on the price of his words. Doesn’t love, but doesn’t leave the family? Throwing his words to the wind. And this is not worthy of a real man.
You can act in two ways. First, when you both cool down after another debate, talk to your husband, explain that it hurts to hear this. After all, in fact you love and cherish each other.
Chances are, you will not notice immediate improvement. Any work on yourself takes time and work on yourself. If your husband is not ready for such difficulties for your sake, you can use the second method. It will clearly explain to her husband that empty threats are fraught with consequences.
The second method is based on the fact that you have to catch him right in the middle of an argument. Husband said he no longer loves you and does not want to live with you? Get a suitcase and start packing. Just do not get carried away in the process of packing. Closely monitor the reaction of her husband. If your husband was scared or nervous, he is bluffing. He is trying to manipulate you so that you are constantly afraid that you may lose him.
In this case, he is driven by internal complexes, he is not confident in himself. Otherwise, why would a self-sufficient man throw words to the wind?
Help you can help a psychologist who will find out what is the cause of insecurity of your husband. You can, of course, independently sort out his feelings, but it is a long and difficult process that requires complete trust in each other and investment of mental strength.
If your husband is not ready to change for you, then again you have two ways out of this situation: either stop noticing these words and put up with them, or leave him.
Your husband really doesn’t love you.
Your husband does not throw words to the wind, these words were said in a calm tone and a quiet voice. And that makes them even scarier. If he said that, then that’s really what he said. But what do you do if you’re not ready to lose him?
Love is a very complex and multifaceted feeling. Very often it is confused with falling in love, and it is known to pass on average in 1-3 years of relationship.
The crisis of marriage
Perhaps you are just a temporary crisis, when one form of love is transformed into another. And during this crisis, the husband, like you, by the way, it may seem that he does not love you. So let’s put aside for now a panic about “does not love me and does not appreciate dear husband,” and give yourself time to think.
What is love anyway and what is it based on? At the beginning of the relationship, he notices your looks, personality traits that are in plain sight, your voice, laughter, facial expressions and gestures. Then he gets used to them and either accepts them or they start to annoy him. Since he is with you, he has accepted you. He has gotten to know you better, knows how real you are.
When you start living together, he reevaluates you. You are now the mistress of your shared home. You clean, you cook, you make sure the house is comfortable. And the longer you are together, the better you get to know each other. There are more reasons to be together, to love and respect each other.
But before he will appreciate in you a mistress, there must be a transformation of his feelings. If before he saw only a stylishly dressed bright girl, now it is unusual to see you in your home clothes without makeup. And it seems that you are not the girl he fell in love with. And during this period it may seem that your husband does not love you.
Such periods are considered crises of the relationship. This is a completely normal phenomenon. After all, and your feelings are transformed over time, you are also overestimating your man.
Couples who live together for a long time unlikely to boast of animal passion in the relationship. But they do love each other. In their case, love is a combination of gratitude, respect, falling in love, and acceptance of their partner.
So don’t worry about wondering, “So why is he saying he doesn’t love me?” If this is a crisis, when it passes, your man will surely apologize to you, appreciate your wisdom and endurance. After all, not everyone is able to see true feelings behind idle words.
In times of crisis be discreet. As long as he has not left the family, you can fix everything. Ask a psychologist or try to improve the relationship by your own efforts. But in either case, you will need restraint and patience. When this stage is over, your husband will surely appreciate you.
He fell in love with someone else.
This may be what your husband said to get you to let him go. If he found a mistress, fell in love with her, under the influence of emotions and hormones he may do rash things.
How do you act in such a situation? Listen to yourself, your feelings, your intuition. You know your husband better than anyone else. And you decide whether you can forgive treason. After all, without sincere forgiveness is impossible to restore relations.
If her husband admitted to the treason, then, most likely, he is planning to leave the family. In this case it is better not to keep him blackmail or threats. Force is not going to be nice.
He is tired.
Fatigue and especially chronic fatigue cause any body to go into energy-saving mode. You’ve probably noticed that when you’re tired, you don’t want to go to the movies, to a museum, or anywhere else. Just to get home and go to bed.
In addition to physical fatigue, there is an emotional one. Psychologists even call it emotional burnout. This state is characterized by the fact that a person seems to lose the ability to feel, to rejoice, to experience emotions. In their place there is a void that sucks into itself like a black hole.
This is a dangerous condition in which a person commits fatal acts. It is most often experienced by young mothers. It’s hard with babies: a mother puts her whole soul into caring for him, but doesn’t get an emotional return. The baby smiles when he poops, not in person to his mother. Of course, he will smile and hug you and tell you that he loves you a lot, but that will happen a little later. For now, Mom is creating her “emotional contribution.”
That’s a pretty clear example. But a man can also be brought to this state in a few months. He gave flowers for no reason? Make a scandal of it. What if he’s trying to make amends? He’s sharing his problems with you? Blink back and look solely at the phone. In general, if you do not give your husband emotional return, then his store of emotions will quickly run out. He will stop feeling anything for you. It’s much nicer to talk to friends and colleagues who at least pretend to be interested.
He’s tired and devastated. And even if your husband says he doesn’t love you, it doesn’t mean the family is ruined. Perhaps he needs rest and your attention. You don’t have to start talking a lot right away. You can start with a warm hug and short conversations.
And he could also be tired of the constant scandals and recriminations. If you have a hard time, if you are tired, it is better to honestly admit it. If you do not have the strength to wash the floor, then leave it as it is. Tell your husband that you are tired, you have no strength. Maybe he himself will wash all the floors at home. This is better than to give him a scandal that he trampled his boots on the floor just washed with the heroic efforts.
Get tired of the constant mess, from the untidiness of his wife. If you do not have time for everything at once, then set priorities and make a schedule. Do not necessarily every day to be a super model, but you can not unravel. And the house also does not have to be in order, as in the operating room, but also the piles of stuff does not inspire anyone to happiness.
How do you know if the love is gone?
Sometimes the realization of your feelings and emotions comes too late. This is especially true for couples who have been in love for a long time. Already formed habits that, as the classic assures, “more expensive than happiness.” How do you know if your husband does not love you anymore? There are certain signs:
- he is no longer interested in your opinion, he does not care what you think about anything;
- He avoids talking even on neutral topics;
- you no longer have common topics of conversation, you no longer laugh at jokes that only the two of you can understand;
- now everyone has a protected personal space, passwords in phones and calls to friends now he makes, only being in the other room;
- the husband says he doesn’t love you. And he repeats it on and off;
- he does not fulfill the agreements, you even have the feeling that he is unreliable, you are counting only on your own strength;
- he is annoyed by your actions, you do not wash cups in the wrong way, you do not hang towels correctly. If your husband has never been pedantic before, this is an alarming sign;
- during arguments, he does not watch his words, he hits you hard, he humiliates you;
- you no longer cuddle, even watch TV in the evenings at arm’s length from each other;
- in dealing with any issue he puts his own interests first, and his wife’s interests may even be neglected;
- he makes important decisions without you, when he talks about plans for the future, he says “I” much more often than “we”.
Unfortunately, the statistics is that many families live this way. They just live together, keep a household together, tolerate each other because they are not sure of themselves.
If most of the criteria above describe your relationship, then it’s up to you to decide whether to act. As long as you are together, you have the power to return the love. And let your husband love you so much that no force in the world can interfere with your happiness.