What must not be done when a man has decided to leave?
The breakup of a relationship is always a trauma and loss, it is always painful. In any case, it hurts the self-esteem of both partners, because a breakup is always a loss.
It is important to be able to behave competently in such a situation so as not to make things worse, to try to maintain self-control and to mitigate the possible consequences for both parties as much as possible.
It is one thing when a man and a woman have met for 1-3 years and lived together. And a completely different situation when people have been together for 10, 15, 20 years, they have grown children, they have lived half of their lives, it is very difficult to let go. A huge amount of not only emotional ties have been formed between them, but property ties as well. The longer they’ve been together, the more painful the breakup will be.
But if you react correctly during this period, the result may surprise you.
In this article I will tell you:
- How to properly go through a breakup?
- What mistakes exactly do not need to make a woman in relation to a man at this time of life?
- How to cope with his feelings after the breakup?
We also have prepared a video in which this topic is covered in more detail:
Don’t try to hold on
You are driven by emotions, you want to work things out and talk, but unfortunately, at this point you are no longer together. Don’t try to hold a man back because a man never just walks away. Men are dominated by logical thinking, the left hemisphere. A man has analyzed, he has made conclusions for himself, he has thought for a long time, he has prepared himself.
Men and women think differently, and when a man says the word “no”, it means no. Girls are more sensitive by nature: and if a girl says, “That’s it, we’re getting a divorce!” it doesn’t mean we’re getting a divorce. Because at that moment she was ruled by emotion.
If your man said: “That’s it, I’ve made up my mind that we’re breaking up,” he packs his things and leaves, you shouldn’t try to hold him back at that point, because no amount of persuading, pleading is going to help. Things went wrong for you a long time ago. Someone needed to make that decision because the field of your relationship is so strained that it’s unbearable to be together there.
When a woman starts obstructing a man, he may stay for a while because of pity. Think about how you will feel? When you have a man next to you who you are trying to keep by any means possible and he looks at you with pity? It’s even worse than if he wasn’t there.
That makes it even more painful for both you and the man. And no partner will want to come back to you because of pity. A man wants to love you, not pity you. Could not build a relationship: did not know how, did not know how, could not agree. But this does not mean that by all means to keep the relationship.
Do not bore.
You let the man go and go about your business. I understand that the woman pulls back, drawn to remind herself, but this only makes the situation worse and drives away the man even more. Constant calls, letters, you are carrying, emotions are whipping, you can not hold back. Especially the likes in social networks – so you show: “I’m watching you, I will not let you go, I will control all the same. And it irritates a man. You are hurting yourself, you are not helping the situation, it is not resolved because of this, but on the contrary, it is aggravating.
Ask your girlfriends for help, have them delete his number from your phone. If he is your husband, you can do the same thing to make you feel better. Let the man think, and when he needs to, he will come. This behavior of yours does not mean cutting off contact forever, especially if it is your husband, if you have children.
So you protect yourself from pain in a period of strong accumulation of emotions and leave the man alone. Free energy you need to put in another direction, so that you recover faster so that the conflict calmed down.
Do not look for the cause only in themselves.
You were building a relationship together. When an event occurred, the man left, a woman begins to dig within herself, she begins to blame herself, the analysis is based on self-hatred: I did not give enough tenderness, I did not say something. You danced this dance together and you can’t be responsible for the two of you.
Relationship is a system, it can be in three states: the first state is degradation, when everything starts to fall apart; the second state is static, the relationship was in stagnation (everyday life, every day the same thing); the third option is when your system, your relationship is in growth. The moment the man left is growth for you, for him.
To understand the relationship you build, and learn how to be the woman they want to come back – sign up for our free 6-day online course: “Man: an honest instruction manual. No Drama or Manipulation.”
Don’t use blackmail
Blackmail is definitely a bad method. It is very common because women are driven by a thirst for revenge. Especially when there are children, the pain and resentment can overshadow everything else. And a war can start. Don’t let this happen.
It is very bad when a woman says to a man, “I won’t let you see your children!”
You have to realize that you are pouring oil on the fire with this ultimatum. The man at this point looks at you and realizes that he didn’t leave in vain. “Just as you didn’t understand anything, you still don’t understand!” – he turns around and has no contact with the children, even if there was such a desire.
The children suffer even more after such a breakup because they form intrapersonal child-parent conflict. Children love both parents with an unconditional love.
Imagine yourself as a little girl, in front of you are your parents – mom and dad. Suddenly they say to you, “Who do you choose?” The child is not able to make this choice, such questions and actions you just kill him.
So break the contact between father and child in any case can not. Especially at a time when it’s not clear how it will all end. Remember that in spite of the separation of mom and dad, you need to help children as softly as possible to make the transition to a new life where you live separately.
Don’t shut yourself off.
Shutting yourself off from everyone is a lottery ticket to depression, and depression is followed by changing states, and as a consequence, illness. In such a state, a woman does not draw conclusions, does not try to get out of the situation effectively.
In such moments, you need to give vent to the emotions that are driving you. Emotions push you to do the wrong thing: to control, endlessly call, send some kind of insult. These emotions you have accumulated in relation to each other for your life together. They should not be suppressed.
You can come for help to any of your friends and relatives, to say: “Sit with me, talk. You can also cry, but you don’t have to be alone. If you have a good relationship with your mother, she will give you feedback, she will give you support. If not, there are mentors, teachers, psychologists.
One man is not a warrior in the field. It is extremely difficult for a person to cope with such an avalanche of negative feelings alone.
If you are in this situation or want to know how to build a relationship so they do not end in rupture – I invite you to our free 6-day online course: “Man: an honest instruction manual. Without drama and manipulation.
Do not retaliate against a man.
Do not do petty nastiness, do not set against a man mutual friends, do not write negative comments – have the dignity not to show the whole world, how you can not cope with themselves. This situation you created together, and there is no need to bring your problems to the public.
Remember how low it looks when scandals in the families of famous people are made public. But these people are always in the crosshairs of the cameras, and you have a choice. Don’t take it personally.
Don’t get hung up on the man/situation.
At one of my free debriefings on Instagram a girl asked a question: “Alla, why, when I broke up with my boyfriend, I got a hobby, I feel so great? I was kind of happy in the relationship, in my own way. But when I was alone, became even happier.
All this because before, a girl’s whole life revolved around a man. When the object came out of the system, she remembered that she herself exists, that she has her own interests. If you are not happy, unhappy, because your object of adoration did not give you something, you will suffer. That’s why a person’s first priority should be himself, and then his partner.
That’s not selfishness. The woman is the source. Either light or darkness. Either she will destroy, or she will be a peacemaker and will create peace around herself. So deal with your inner state, think about what you are broadcasting through yourself, your emotions, words and actions.
Once I asked my spiritual master, “Why a woman gives herself to a man, circles around him, serves him, accompanies him through life, and then he leaves her? Why, can you tell me?” And then he said to me, “If it’s not your fortune that comes first in your life, but a man, you’re going to ruin everything.
When your only interest in life is him, then the man is around you and you’re not. And then he looks at you and realizes that you have become uninteresting. Because you wiped his crown, ran around with a rag, spent 20 years on it, and then he turns around and leaves you for a young girl. It’s very sad. So the moment he decides to leave tells you that the focus needs to be on yourself.
Start analyzing and looking for answers to the question, why in your life did this happen? The breakup is your chance, and for both of you, to be happy.
A woman at this point is a re-evaluation of the past, the situation, their thoughts and actions. Man also does not run on the third day to meet with other women, so they lick his wounds. Because he doesn’t have the resource either, he’s angry at women, looking at them: “I’d kill them!”
To get back to a resourceful state again, you have to fix yourself. Both of you are like squeezed lemons nobody needs, both of you are wounded people.
Give both yourself and your man time to catch your breath. Maybe after rethinking what happened, you will get back together, or you will start a relationship with other people, but in a new way. Build a new and try to restore the old only after the internal changes, otherwise you again will be caught up in failure.
You don’t have to make any sudden moves and say it’s over, don’t hold back, don’t call, don’t criticize yourself or him, especially in front of other people. Express your feelings ecologically, live the situation with dignity.
There is no need to blackmail with real estate, money, children, don’t shut yourself away, because it is fraught with even greater consequences. Go the way of creation, not destruction.
Man after the end of the relationship: how he feels?
After a relationship ends, women have no problem expressing how they feel. In most cases, they are a naked nerve: crying and getting hysterical, irritated with all the men in the world and moping.
In any way they let other people know that they feel bad, in most cases directly and unconcealedly expressing their emotions.
However, the same cannot be said about men: the psychology of the stronger sex is quite different. At first glance, it seems that the guy is unlikely to hate his former partner after the breakup or even feel any emotions at all. But in fact, this is a deceptive feeling – it’s just that men’s feelings and feelings are mostly bubbling inside, hidden from view.
The Psychology of Men’s Feelings and Experiences
When a relationship ends, regardless of who is leaving whom or what the reasons for the breakup are, both partners suffer .
Hearts are broken because both the woman and the man are disappointed in the final outcome of their relationship, which was a crushing fiasco.
The main difference between men and women is how the pain manifests itself and how the guy deals with it. There is also a difference in the phases of pain, which are different in terms of psychology.
It is this difference that makes women think that men are completely indifferent to the breakup of a relationship. However, this is a misconception: just because pain is experienced differently does not mean that it is worse or less valuable .
Men usually suffer silently, quietly, inwardly. They do not show their emotional state to the world, they try in every way to hide their feelings, even if their heart is broken into a thousand pieces.
Moreover, especially if young people decided to part and leave on their own initiative, the experience of the new life is very sensitive .
First of all, because without the other half there is a fear of becoming lonely and unwanted again: there is no more delicious dinner after work, a bedtime massage or a morning coffee in bed, and there is nothing to talk about the sexual component of life.
Then the experience is quickly replaced by the emotion of realizing that something very valuable and important has been lost.
Feelings and emotions after divorce
Let’s look at what feelings and emotions a man may experience after the breakup of a relationship with a woman.
Failure to show anguish
The first person to whom a guy will not show weakness and suffering under any circumstances is, of course, his ex-girlfriend.
Men “can’t” and don’t want to show their weakness, especially right after a relationship breakup.
Therefore, they will try in every way to prove that they don’t care about what happened, that they are fine, and life goes on as if nothing happened.
This can be expressed through increased activity in social networks, ostentatious indifference, a desire for new or non-serious one-night stands.
At the same time, men try to open up to their friends. Despite the reluctance to show the range of emotions experienced, they try to transform feelings through the search for new impressions. These include extreme activities (to fight fears), excessive physical activity (to extinguish anger), flirting with unfamiliar girls (to improve self-esteem).
During this period, talking about feelings, pain and disappointment is not typical for guys . They mostly prefer to weather the storm in silence, from hurt to disappointment.
Another of men’s emotional reactions to a breakup is to look for fun, parties, or getting together with friends. Consequently, women may think that a guy is not suffering after a breakup and is fine because he wants to party with his buddies and engage in fun activities, including flirting with strange girls.
However, this is only a temporary way of releasing emotions and forgetting about the breakup that has nothing to do with real desires and needs. It is just a short escape and a temporary attempt to forget about your problems, to disconnect from what is going on.
Focusing on oneself and other circumstances
This is another typical emotion of men after the end of a loving relationship.
Its basic concept is that the guy who breaks up tries his best to avoid contact with what he feels inside, so he shifts his attention to the “outside.”
The “outside world” refers to all the physical sensations that men experience during active activities, such as, for example, playing sports, working harder and overtime, and craving for a change of scene.
Entering a new relationship, boredom
The fourth and final reaction is to enter into new, most often short-term alliances. For the most part, they serve a palliative or pain-relieving function. On the other hand, the frustrated and disappointed in life guy wants to make the most of his return to the “single” image , to awaken his seductive nature, to demonstrate masculine strength and authority.
Going through an early period after a breakup, a man begins to realize that he is still in the past and in fact not yet ready for a new relationship. At this point, feelings change – he begins to miss his former chosen one more.
Angry at the woman
The first phase after a breakup with a woman in a man is shock. He tries in vain to understand what happened and why. At this point, the guy asks himself the following questions: “I can’t believe this is over, is it really?” or “Why did this happen to us?”. Breaking up is a huge stressor, especially when the woman a guy loves wants nothing more to do with him. It can literally cause nausea, loss of appetite, apathy, loss of concentration, etc.
But immediately after that comes denial and anger. Once the initial shock has passed (and it can last up to several days), the guy will begin to be angry about what happened, including the participant in the process, even if the breakup was instigated by himself. Then he may think, “She wanted it to be over between us. I certainly didn’t lose her forever.” At this point, the guy may write to his ex-girlfriend, call to make a complaint or jab at her for her fault.
In such a situation, he may blame the companion for some mistakes that, in his opinion, ruined the chances of a happy relationship.
Is he sorry?
Another version of anger is an attempt to rekindle the partnership, based on sincere regret for the breakup.
The man tries to convince his ex-girlfriend to return to him again and promises her that he will do anything to get another chance.
At this point, the young man sincerely intends to make the woman happy and never let her down again.
However, the woman’s failure to do so may cause the man to become angry. If the woman strongly disagrees with the continuation of the relationship, and the guy feels that there is nothing he can do about it, he may become angry with himself or his partner. In such a situation, regret turns into powerlessness and disappointment, because the representative of the stronger sex realizes that there is no way back, and the relationship is finally over.
Suffers because of the parting with his beloved.
He feels insignificant because he knows that all his attempts to get back to his ex were unsuccessful. Thinking that he is not worthy of the title of a real man because he has irrevocably lost his love, the guy puts himself in the category of bachelors, doomed to eternal loneliness. He seriously and sincerely regrets because of the breakup.
Heavy on the Soul.
At this stage, the sadness and suffering over the end of the relationship can also be complicated by the fact that the young man has to explain to family and friends that his tandem broke up, he lost his life partner and, consequently, failed as a man. Reprehension of relatives and whispering of acquaintances, who, in the opinion of the man, consider him frivolous because of his inability to start a serious relationship, cause a heavy feeling on the soul.
How to cope: advice from psychologists
First of all, you must have patience and go through all stages of awareness of the parting, as a fait accompli, to finally start living without the other person.
A favorable outcome also depends on the approach and willingness to start a new life, as well as on the individual’s inner strength to stop thinking about the end of a love relationship as the end of the world.
- Stop looking at the past and try to start building reality from scratch, as if you had just come into the world and have not lived yet: rejoice in the nice weather that favors a walk and a sudden work day in the schedule that will allow you to forget about loneliness.
- Get busy. Physical exercise releases endorphins, hormones produced by the brain that make the body feel energized and happy. Mental activity, on the other hand, completely occupies the head. Thus there is an opportunity to reduce pain, accelerate the stage of “wound healing” and clear the mind.
- Don’t blame yourself or your companion for the way things turned out: what happened is what happened. It is not known if there are more or less appropriate ways to end a relationship, and there are definitely no perfect people. Do not judge the person with whom you were in a partnership, and try to assess your reactions from the outside, as if the breakup was not you, but, for example, your good buddy.
- Analyze the nature and motivation of the emotions that continue to bubble up inside you. This can only mean two things: either you still deep down you want to get back what you lost, or you’re trying to forget about it, but can not. Try to think hard about how you feel-not for the sake of self-injury or masochism, but for the sake of working on your mistakes, which will help you build a happy relationship in the future.
- After your relationship is over, it is better to focus on yourself and think about how you want to build your life. Change your position or job, discover new hobbies and talents, lead an active lifestyle.
- Take your love out on other people. It does not have to be a new relationship with a member of the opposite sex. Pay attention to your parents, siblings, nephews or other relatives. Perhaps they have been in need of your help for a long time, and you just didn’t notice it.
How does a girl understand what an ex-boyfriend is going through?
The main thing to understand: don’t think that a guy doesn’t feel hurt because your relationship is over, even if he proves otherwise with his actions.
Yes, men are different from women, but in general each of us, regardless of gender, expresses our feelings differently.
In favor of men’s suffering after breakups are signs such as removal from friends on social networks, unwillingness to meet, and in a spontaneous meeting the refusal to look in the eyes . Indifference can also be recognized by the opposite reaction – provoking meetings, too frequent messages and calls, imposing his person and discussing with mutual acquaintances the circumstances of the broken union.
To summarize, it should be noted that men are also people who feel and experience emotions. The main thing to remember: no matter how hard it is, this difficult period will pass with time – and you will be able to focus on other people, forgetting about your ex.