The child is rude: how to stop bad behavior?
In anger at the parent’s many remarks and shouts, the baby erupts: “You’re bad! I wish you were dead!”. Mom is at a loss and angry – how do you know whether to punish the child in this situation?
It is believed that adults punish children to make them better. And children think they are being punished because they don’t like them or because they are bad and deserve to be punished.
But what do you do when a child crosses the line? For example, yelling “put it away yourself!” when asked to pick up toys or swinging at grandma. How can you stand it!
Of course, the transition from the child can not be left without attention. But this does not mean that the time to reach for the belt.
So how to behave mom? Let’s look into it.
WHY WE PUNISH CHILDREN
Before we find out if there is a need for punishment, let’s go deeper into the reasons that push us parents to sanction:
Reason 1. Emotional drain.
It often happens that in a fit of anger we are frightened by a child’s impertinent words, or in a fit of anger we want, as if to take revenge on him. This reaction is especially strong when we are tired, irritated or “to the boiling point.
Thus, the reason that pushes us to sanctions, are not the actions of the child, but our own intemperance! Will he be able to learn anything after such a “drain of emotion”? Hardly. He will just remember not to let a parent get under the hot hand.
Reason 2. The feeling of powerlessness
When your child does not hear you, it is easy to feel literally paralyzed. We feel as if the steering wheel has slipped from our hands and control over the situation is lost. In this case, there is an impulsive desire to grab hold of the last lever – and punish for disobedience, to feel your power again.
Reason 3. Inhibiting anger⠀
A child’s anger is exhausting. But patience is especially hard for those who have a ban on anger – aversion and/or fear of anger. The mother takes the child’s anger at her own expense. It seems to her that the child is angry because of her, and consequently, shame and guilt are included. Such reaction causes a reciprocal desire to “suppress rebellion”: to forbid anger as we forbid it to ourselves.
This happens if you were ashamed or blamed as a child, if you were forced to smile even when you did not want to smile, if you were forced to be grateful. But here it is important to remember that anger is a child’s process! Its experience of encountering limitations. Or do you have the illusion that a child should be happy and always ready for limitations? I believe not.
WHEN PUNISHMENTS ARE WARRANTED.
The first thing a parent needs to decide when he or she is ready to administer a punishment is: what purpose are you doing it for? That’s why I recommend thinking for at least twenty-four hours before administering punishment.
Discuss the rules with your child and warn him or her what awaits for their violation! Then the baby will not have a “sediment” in the form of a feeling of injustice, he/she will not be afraid of parental anger and will not feel rejected.
You can learn about other rules and safety techniques in the use of punishments in my article “How to punish a child so as not to traumatize.
But first let’s look at what kind of behavior punishment is justified, and when it is better to apply other educational methods.
What a child should NOT be punished for
For random mischief – for example, quickly, quickly ran and pushed someone, broke an object, damaged furniture or broke a toy. I hope all moms already know that a child should not be “screwed” over for such things. Moreover, the baby himself/herself can be sad, upset or frightened by his/her actions – in this case, help the child to calm down, show sympathy and help correct the mistake, if possible.
For intemperance inherent to their age – young children are very impulsive, only after 4 years they start to form self-control and the ability to keep their impulses inside. Do not scold or punish a child if you understand that in this situation he simply cannot stop himself: he is being torn away from an interesting activity, he is overexcited, he really likes the effect produced (for example, from showing his tongue or throwing objects at a cat). Help the child stop! You may consider that while the child has no self-control, you perform this function. Read more about how to do this later in the article.
For what the child does not yet know how to do due to age – one subscriber once shared with me a complaint: her 6-year-old child can not clean the floor without splashing water. Well, what can I say? Exaggerated parental expectations are one of the most popular causes of misbehavior in children. And how else can you behave if you are required to do the impossible, and even punished for it? So before you scold a child, think about whether he can, in principle, carry out my request. Or is he too little?
To check whether you make mistakes that lead to dire consequences for the child, be sure to pass my test “Top 5 mistakes in the punishment of children.
In what situations you can use punishment
I can’t forbid you from using punishment as an educational method, but please, before using it, make sure that:
Your punishment is NOT a drain of emotion and an expression of your frustration, but an extreme measure of setting boundaries, which you resort to consciously and with cold reason;
Your child knows the rule he or she broke . And if it goes without saying, it means that he was warned in advance and can repeat what is required of him;
The child is able to comply with your request without additional help. For example, when in “Obedient Child” we and the participants put the degree of realism of certain requirements for children, it turns out that on average it is only 4-5 out of 10 points. That is, without help, impulsive child, well, can not stop his impulse to bite, scatter things, shout. Yes, not all children are able to calm down by themselves, because of the predominance of excitement over inhibition! Punish in this situation – it’s like punishing for splashing tears at the dentist without anesthesia.
When is punishment justified? Ideally NEVER. After all, it is impossible to grow up without mistakes.
However, there are a number of situations where the imposition of sanctions is justified. Namely: in cases of chronic neglect of the rules of behavior, disrespect to the parents, rudeness, rudeness, deliberate aggression.
But even in these situations, punishment is necessary as a way to clearly and categorically draw a line, over which it is impossible to cross, or the child will face consequences of the behavior.
If these conditions are observed, the punishment becomes more fair, consistent and meaningful.
HOW TO USE PUNISHMENT
The parent’s line of conduct in administering punishment must depend on 3 factors:
1) Motives for the child’s behavior;
2) The child’s ability to control himself or herself;
3) The obligation to comply with this or that rule.
Depending on these three factors, the severity of the boundaries a parent sets can be roughly divided into 4 levels.
If you are new to the concept of boundaries or do not know how to set them in relationships with children – a special algorithm is in my article “Boundaries and rules for the child: how to set them” .
The green level is the most flexible boundaries. They are set by verbal agreement. You agree on something with your child, because you understand that he is already able to keep his word. For example, the child has said something hurtful, but you know that he is old enough to control himself. Then it is enough to talk the situation through, and he will correct himself.
The yellow level is the “braided fence.” The boundary is pretty soft. The child is still learning how to behave, so there are occasional tantrums, rudeness and harm, but without malice. If they happen, our task is to help the child learn to control himself or herself. To do this, we use methods of motivation, cautionary stories, and tips on how to behave in a given situation.
The orange level is a “rubber wall. Its essence is that if you stubbornly try to break through it, you can get in the nose… These are the rules that should not be broken. We set up sanctions and we enforce them when we break the boundaries.
When you’ve discussed why you shouldn’t use swear words three hundred times, motivated your child with politeness chips, read cautionary tales, and still it’s still time to introduce sanctions.
The red level is the “brick wall. At this level it is useless even to punish, because the child cannot hold back anyway! The only way out is to exclude the possibility of such behavior in principle. It is useless to punish a one-year-old for running out on the road, you just need to prevent it from happening.
If you want to explore the 4 level system in more detail, learn about
– how to set boundaries in a nice way;
– how to properly impose sanctions, if necessary;
– what they are and what to choose in each case;
I recommend to study the master class “Punishments: for, against and alternatives”.
You can learn more at the link:
WHAT TO DO IF A CHILD IS RUDE
Let’s break down the example and find out how a mom should act when a child is rude.
You are doing something with a child together – cooking or walking. And then suddenly he tells you something nasty. For example: “Shut your mouth!”. Or, “Quick, buy me something. Or, “Leave me alone!” That’s the first act.
What happens next? Mom realizes that something unacceptable has happened. Or just plain unpleasant. Rude/disrespectful. In short, the boundary is broken. So what to do?
She gets angry. And in anger, what? She rushes to punish.
Let’s say mom yells: “Get in the corner now!” Or, “You will be deprived of cartoons/pocket money/don’t get presents, sweets/don’t go to Sasha’s!”
The child may experience a rush of reciprocal anger in response and charge you indignantly, “You’re bad, I hate you! I won’t stand in the corner!”.
Your actions designed to establish boundaries have escalated even more conflict and undermined the already shaky balance of your relationship with your child.
Why does this happen?
Punishment, done incorrectly, instead of teaching leads to the opposite effect. After all, the reasons for the child’s behavior can be different! For example:
1. A child may be rude, not because he is driven by a desire to offend, but by impulsiveness (intemperance). He is simply overwhelmed by fatigue/sadness and explodes like a burst bubble. Then your goal is to teach him how to manage his emotions.
2. Anger can be a consequence of age crises (e.g., “poo-poo”), where using a new word amuses the child so much that he can’t stop. The task of the parent is to help overcome this crisis, to teach self-control.
3. Rudeness is a manifestation of disrespect of the child, the consumer attitude to you or childish despotism. And here it is necessary to work systematically. Punishments alone will not solve the problem. It is necessary to laboriously work on borders and restoration of parental authority.
Thus, punishments precede the analysis of the behavior of the child and attempt to stop it without punishments. But if that does not help, then we move on to the next step – imposing sanctions.
How to introduce sanctions if the child continues to be rude
I propose a specific algorithm:
Understand why this happened. That is, we have to understand the very motives of the child, what makes him do so.
Talk to the child, explain that it is not allowed to say (do) such things. Think about how to teach your child to express his or her feelings correctly.
Agree that if this happens again, punishment will follow, choosing a suitable method beforehand.
When the child will succeed, then praise him or her and encourage him or her.
Acting according to this algorithm, we use the situation of rule violations for the purpose of teaching! But we do not use punishment until we explain to the child how he or she should do it and how he or she should not do it. It is worth making sure that the child has heard you, understands you and is able to do what you want.
How to stop bad behavior without punishment
Let’s look at some quick parental responses with specific examples. In each one, I want to demonstrate how you can stop a child but not punish. Be warned: I’ve put together the most brain-dead situations
A child scatters porridge. To the ban, he only giggles. What to do?
Get ahead of the curve! Do not wait for obedience, you must immediately suppress (calmly) unwanted behavior. For example, stop the pen throwing food, and give the next task: “And where is the banana? Let’s get it.”
You ask to pick up the toys, the response is, “You pick it up yourself!”
Use your voice and shortening the distance. Approach and help finish what the child is doing. Don’t forget the confident tone. When your child finishes his activity with your help, prompt a SIMPLE task with which to begin collecting toys: “Give me that cup, like this! Now. “. Praise when he complies with your request.
You coax your child to do his homework and he keeps whining, “I don’t want to.”
Help him get started! Agree in the evening at what time you will start, prepare books in advance and invite him to sit at the desk to play “tic-tac-toe”. You’ll see that resistance will diminish.
Emotional child says, “You’re bad,” calls you names, and argues.
The child is overwhelmed with emotion; he or she cannot cope with it because of age, fatigue, or the immaturity of his or her self-control. In this case it is necessary to help the child to calm down, to explain what words should not be said in a fit of anger, and to stop him if he crosses the line. Repeat the rule and discuss the future punishment for its violation.
It is important for you to set your child a task – to tell him exactly what you expect him to do – what exactly he should do at this moment. Instead of angry repulsion, explain to your child what he is doing wrong and what the plan for further events is.
Thus, getting around punishments is possible! To do this, you need to:
Determine what the level of your demands are and whether they are in line with the child’s capabilities;
encourage your child when he or she shows desirable behavior;
to teach him/her how to behave by correcting him/her over and over again;
Reject unwanted behavior with verbal reprimands and bodily cues;
To motivate him or her to behave in a desirable way if the child is having difficulty controlling himself or herself.
And only if these methods are not enough and you are convinced that the child is quite capable of controlling his or her behavior, it is appropriate to consider the idea of introducing sanctions.
In my master class “Punishments: pros, cons and alternatives,” I give a methodology on how to encourage a child not to break boundaries, and in 95% of cases, you can do without punishments!
Well, if positive boundaries are not enough, you have to use the “heavy artillery. In the master class you will find a methodology of fair and instructive methods. To learn more, go to the link:
8 reasons why a child is mean? article (2nd grade) on
An angry and pugnacious child is always a punishment for parents, and they become not only resentful of themselves as a failed educator, but also ashamed when a child behaves like a little aggressor in front of strangers. Aggressiveness is not always expressed in actions, often the child begins to be rude, call names or yell to express it. To avoid such situations, parents need to know why a child is being rude to them.
“My child is so rude to me! I always try to be nice to him, and he… Almost calls me a fool! He can even yell, can you imagine?! And in that tone of voice, I don’t know where he gets it from…” – complains one mother to another. – I don’t talk to him like that, of course he can be a bit harsh, but not rude! And he can be so aggressive…”.
What does this rudeness in communication with loved ones – bad manners, age stubbornness, or aggressiveness? Let’s sort it out!
Download:
| Attachment | Size |
|---|---|
| 8_prichin_pochemu_rebenok_grubit.rar | 130 KB |
Preview:
8 reasons why is a child rude?
One of the most common questions parents ask is, “I don’t understand why he/she is doing this.” There are eight very common reasons why children are disruptive. It is very helpful for parents to know them, because if they can pinpoint the exact cause of their child’s misbehavior, they can more successfully resolve the problem. Writes mamainfo.com.ua
Here are eight of the most common reasons why children misbehave and solutions to help reduce or eliminate the problem:
1) Children want to test their parents’ reactions to their actions.
Children’s main problem is figuring out how their complex world works. To master what they have to learn at every level of their development they will test their parents. They are literally trying to see where the boundaries are, or if there are any at all. Although testing leads to frustration for parents, they need to know that this is okay and that this is their chance to make a real difference in their child’s life.
2) Children go through different situations between school and home.
Consistency is extremely important in a child’s perception, they need to feel safe and able in understanding the world and how it works. If children receive conflicting signals at home and at school they will feel uneasy internally and express it differently than usual, and the child will feel internally stressed.
The best thing parents can do is a simple way to discipline their child and then have a conversation with their child’s teacher. During this conversation, parents should tell their method of resolution and ask how the teacher handles the situation. The goal is to try to use the same methods both at school and at home. With consistent clarity and together, children will see consistency in what adults do and will be happy in the process.
3) Children don’t understand rules that are outside their developmental levels.
Sometimes, parental expectations go beyond what is possible, beyond their child’s abilities. For example, it would be unreasonable to tell a 2-year-old to clean his room and expect him to do it perfectly. At this age, children need a lot of parental support and guidance to do this kind of work.
Reading books about what children can do at each age is helpful for this reason, so parents can learn all that is developmentally appropriate for their toddler’s age and what to expect from their child.
4) Children want to assert themselves, and have their independence.
Children begin to show their desire for more independence around the age of two. They begin to want to have control over certain areas of their lives so they can feel capable and independent. It doesn’t take long for children to identify areas they can control, much to the dismay of parents in situations: eating, sleeping, brushing teeth, when children show their independence, you get frustrated and therefore insist on your rules it is necessary for children to feel in control.
What is the solution? Give your child choices in his daily life so that he feels in control of his own life. Also, it is key to learn a simple, loving way to discipline so you can easily gain control over your child.
5) Lack of regimen in the child.
When children’s basic needs are not regularly met every day they often, misbehave, cry, throw tantrums, etc. The solution to this problem is simple: there is a routine to follow when the child eats, has personal time, parents and child play or sleep on time.
6) Children do not have accurate information and experience.
When children do something, such as crossing the road for the first time, they don’t know that they, must look both ways, what we all know, we have to explain to them that they need to look left and look right, etc. It should be remembered that the same technique should be applied in all situations. Children will repeat the behavior over and over again until they remember the exact information as to what they should do.
7) Children have been previously “rewarded” for their unworthy behavior.
No parent would think of purposefully rewarding a child’s misbehavior, but it happens quite often. Remember, negative attention is still attention, so if children misbehave and their parents either yell or punish. If a child whines, cries or throws a tantrum and mom or dad eventually takes pity and takes the punishment away. This is categorically not to be done.
Remember that children see and hear how parents behave at home. So if they see Mom and Dad yelling, they will yell too. If kids get their butts kicked, they’re more likely to use a punch to express their anger or frustration. Although it’s not always easy, parents should look at parenting calmly.
Why are kids being mean?
Why are kids being mean?
It is not pleasant to deal with rude people. Doubly unpleasant if the child is rude, especially his own. However, nothing happens out of nowhere, there are always motives. The root cause of rudeness can be anger, resentment, fear, a desire to defend themselves, frustration and even fatigue.
Rude behavior in children can occur at any age, but the problem is usually exacerbated in moments of age crises. Many parents do not have time to readjust for an adult child who demands a change in attitude. At first glance, mom and dad do not do anything wrong and even show tolerance for their beloved child, but they forget that he is growing up and protests against excessive tutelage.
The peak of boorish behavior occurs in adolescence. At this age, many children do not understand themselves, what to say about the parents, who have already forgotten themselves at this age, so they can not find common ground with such a different child at this period. Most often rudeness is a coded message to the other person that he is doing something wrong. Often boorishness hides desperation, even a cry from the soul. Not every child will dare to tell his parents that he is not very comfortable with them, because they have completely forgotten about him because of their worries and problems, and they are “unreachable”. Sometimes, in order to get at least some attention, you need to say “I hate you,” or “I’ll leave you, everything here disgusts me. Behind these awful words lies just a desire to communicate with parents, a desire for them to guess what is going on in the soul of a grown-up.
Boorish behavior sometimes hides a desire to manipulate parents who are too devoted to their child. If the child feels that he can get everything he wants from his elders, boorish behavior can become a means to an end. If you don’t fight back, nothing will change. You need to be able to say “no” to your child. Rejection, of course, should be followed by motivation, so that the problem does not get worse. Having received a sincere explanation of the refusal, the child will understand that his/her desire is respected, but due to the circumstances they cannot meet him/her halfway. It is necessary to explain the disagreement with the child’s opinion and to propose together to find solutions that will suit everybody. Most likely, he/she will start to resist and insist on his/her own, but he/she will realize that parents are always ready to discuss this or that issue.
Trying to overcome rudeness, in any case it is impossible to answer rudeness with rudeness, it is especially dangerous if constructive criticism comes from the child, even if he or she did not choose the best method of its delivery.
The right thing to do is to let the child know that further conversation will happen when he or she calms down. No to rudeness! Someone who is rude cannot expect to be accepted and understood. There are rules to be observed in families that apply to all family members. If children are not allowed to raise their voices or be rude to their parents, then parents must learn to control themselves, whether in their dealings with each other or with the younger members of the family. If in a fit of quarrage mom and dad say to each other inappropriate for children’s ears words and expressions, then do not be surprised if the children will later clarify relations with them in their own words.
Faced with the children’s rudeness, do not immediately despair. To solve the problem is possible, however, to work necessary not only with the younger member of the family, but also on themselves. One desire here is not enough, without self-criticism and the full scope of the situation is not enough. Sometimes it is enough just to reconsider your attitude toward the child, to try to be more restrained and benevolent toward the person growing up.
