I get mad at my baby.
Hello! My daughter is 1 year and 3 months old. She is a very active girl. Sitting still is not what she is about. She can’t even walk by herself yet. Constantly with me by the hand. And all running. She does not play with toys. All the kids in the sandbox, we are anywhere, but not there. It so happened in life that I raise her alone. No father. There are, of course, grandparents, they help as much as they can, but most of the upbringing is on me. Since she was five months old I started snapping at her. At that time it seemed to me that it was because she didn’t sleep enough (she mixed up day and night). I just hated her. I yelled at her, and there was even the thought of sending her to a nursery. Over time, my sleep normalized and everything seemed to be fine, but I still keep snapping at her. I can hit her in a fit. When she cries, her crying makes me even angrier. When I snap at her, I cry myself, and I understand that she got it for nothing. I am already afraid I may hit her and not stop. I have thoughts that grandparents would be better able to raise her than me. I think of myself as a terrible mother. It is easier for me to show her cartoons to keep her busy than to do something with her, because I don’t know what to occupy her, she is not interested in anything. She can only look at books and that’s it. Still drinks from a pacifier when all the babies are drinking from a drinker. She sleeps with me. How many times I did not accustom her back to the crib, she would cry and that was it. I let myself go, I look in the mirror and tears come to my eyes. What have I become. And so every day, sedatives do not help. Help me, please.
You need to start by replenishing your resources. Start with the basics:
– Food should be proper and varied, less simple carbohydrates, more vitamins and fatty acids.
– Sleep should be as long and of good quality as possible. Sleep whenever possible, or at least lie in the dark with your eyes closed.
– Sense of security. It’s not just about physical safety, but about the quality of your relationships. Cut off contact with everyone who, in one way or another, violates your boundaries, makes comments and gives unsolicited advice. Leave only those people around who fill you.
When the basic needs are met, move up to the more complex ones on Maslow’s pyramid. Try to give yourself at least 30 minutes a day, learn something new, have fun, etc.
Choose only those activities and games with your child that bring joy to both of them. If you have fun and enjoyment, it will be easier for your child to get involved.
Try not to compare yourself to others, or your child. Compare yourself to yourself yesterday, and also to your child. This way you will have a point of growth, an opportunity to praise yourself and pay attention to something. Otherwise, it only builds stress.
Take for granted that you are the best mother for your child. Lower your expectations of yourself and your demands. Is the child fed? Clothed? Sleeps safely? You are already a good enough mother. Praise yourself for even the smallest things, let yourself feel joy.
Learn to pause between stimulus and reaction. A situation has arisen. It would be more accustomed to hitting a child, but you close your eyes and start breathing: deep breath in through your nose and slow exhalation through your mouth, folded in a tube. When the brightness from the emotion begins to fade, you can choose how to respond. Develop your emotional intelligence. Learn to “catch” your emotions as they arise and show them safely. Don’t hold back or forbid yourself, or there will be more breakdowns.
Make it a rule to apologize to your child: “I apologize for yelling at you, you can not do this to you, my daughter. This will give a chance for intimacy in the relationship. Why does any mistake hurt you so much that you basically question your motherhood? What are you not accepting yourself for? What are you not allowing? Read a book by Aleta Salter, “What to do if a baby cries,” perhaps it will help you understand something for yourself.
And sleeps with you, because she lacks your warmth, contact with you. Replenish yourself and it will be easier for the child to go through the separation, and even “move out” in his bed. Well, and sit in place for this age is not that the norm, it’s even harmful. Try to demand from your child only what you have taught him and that is age-appropriate.
How not to get mad at your child. Learn to control yourself
Realizing that this behavior is unacceptable, many parents admit that they snap at their children. Anger at the child. What to do? Your own aggression is frightening and makes you feel guilty. After the mother yells at the baby, she often tries to placate him. She buys gifts, starts “licking”. It is clear that such a scenario leads to negative results. How not to get mad at the child. Advice from teachers and psychologists will help you.
Yelling at the child. What to do?
Yelling is always a sign of weakness and powerlessness. This kind of relationship breaks the emotional climate in the house, leads to the fact that the child becomes afraid of adults and ceases to trust them.
The article, prepared by our experts, will help to understand the mechanisms of such behavior and teach – how not to snap at the child.
Why can not yell at children?
First of all, let’s be clear:
Anger, screaming and even aggression are normal emotions, typical for all people. Suppressing any emotional expression is bad for the human psyche and health in general.
When a person has a reason to be angry, it must be expressed. Otherwise, consequences are inevitable, such as the appearance of depression. However, emotions should be expressed in the right way, without harming either adults or children. Yelling and aggression towards the sons and daughters are not allowed.
- You will regret it and feel guilty.
- Outbursts of anger, screaming and aggression change the microclimate in the family not for the better.
- Friendship and trust will be forgotten.
- The child will stop trusting their parents and will not share their problems with them.
- Over time, there will also be other negative consequences – a change in the child’s psyche.
It is important to note the last point in particular. This is low self-esteem, the inability to build relationships with others, the emergence of manipulative traits, tyranny, etc.
Maternal aggression. Opinion of psychologists
How do you stop snapping at your child? Do you know what this phrase means? It is a “key” in a search engine. The phrase comes up most often in a search engine when it comes to parenting. And it makes you wonder. After all, it is typed by mothers of children of all ages, hoping to find the answer and build relationships in the family. But the fact that parents are looking for an answer is already a good thing!
How not to scold a small child
Child psychologists believe:
Aggression that comes from the mother is much more dangerous than paternal aggression.
The father’s punishment any child perceives more adequately. Of course, we are not talking about serious punishments, especially corporal punishment. This is a topic for a separate conversation. We are talking about parents’ normal reaction to their children’s misconduct. The anger of the father is more natural and expected for the child. Besides, snapping at the child in the usual sense is not typical for men. They tend to express themselves quickly and emotionally. Men’s anger is concrete and has a targeted message.
How to stop aggressing on the child?
A woman is associated with tenderness, love, understanding and care for both adult men and children of any gender. Ideally, her relationship with her children should be calm, benevolent. And, most importantly – predictable.
Often shouting at the child. What to do? First, read carefully what is written next!
If the mother snapped, shouted or raised her hand at the child, it is a complete surprise, a disaster for the child. Even if it happens often. It is a surprise and shock every time! The child can not get used to the anger of the mother. Over time, he is disappointed in his mom and feels betrayed.
How not to be annoyed with the child? Read another paragraph and analyze your situation.
An important point – women very often suppress their negative experiences, family troubles, problems with the spouse, etc. As a result, the negativity just overwhelms them. Any little thing serves as the impetus for a breakdown. The child turns out to be the weakest link, unable to fight back.
Often, children understand that they don’t deserve punishment, and it hurts them even more.
Overcoming childhood trauma
This is a difficult and very long process. Not everyone manages to get through this process and forgive their parents, especially their mother. Often a child who has been traumatized as a child carries his or her pain through life.
Illnesses that may result from childhood psychological trauma:
- Abnormalities of the stomach and intestines.
- Eating disorders, including bulimia and anorexia.
- Respiratory disorders.
- Vascular dystonia.
- Neurological and mental health problems, including nervous tics.
The goal of Mom and Dad – to give children a sense of comfort, stability and peace. Without a sense of security, a person can not be happy. How not to get mad at the kids? You should always learn this, no matter how old your child is.
How not to get mad at her children
The law clearly works in the world: you shout at you and they shout at you. A grown-up child will yell at his parents the same way they yelled at him in his early childhood.
In addition to the above problems, the child will have:
- Apathy and withdrawal.
- Fear and anxiety.
- Deterioration of memory and concentration.
- Difficulties with communication, fear of public speaking, dating, etc.
All of these qualities often last a lifetime. Therefore, it is more difficult for the person to realize themselves in society, to build a career and family relationships.
I break down at my 2-year-old child, what to do – my mother asks the question on the forum. And the answer is: I have the same problem! Many young mothers write about it.
Children who often hear screaming at home always live in constant tension. They cannot trust people and are often unable to love. They shut down because they are always expecting a catch and betrayal from those around them. When creating a family, the same pattern of behavior that the person saw in his family is modeled.
It is impossible to build normal relationships when shouting. Teenagers avoid the anger of their parents, alone “digesting” resentments and problems. They can not share with mom and dad, as they do not consider them truly close people.
Snapping at the child. What to do? Reasons for parental anger
In order to get out of the situation intelligently, you should analyze the reasons for your breakdowns.
The most common is copying the behavior of your own mom and dad.
In this case, you are also a victim of misconduct of parents. But the vicious circle must necessarily break up!
If you started reading this article, then the first important step has already been taken.
The desire to prove their authority
Think about what drives you? Maybe the desire by all means to prove your parental authority?
Disruption of anger
You have to learn to react adequately to the whims of a child. Think, maybe the child is not guilty and it is not he who drove you to breakdown? Maybe there are other reasons – fatigue, your poor sleep lately, illness, conflicts with her own parents or husband? These reasons can be many. Children just fall under the “hot” hand.
Disobedience of a child
A child is often disobedient and mischievous. This is also normal. You have tried talking to him and explaining, but he continues. Does this situation sound familiar? How to learn not to snap at your child in this case?
The reason for your yelling is your psychological and pedagogical illiteracy, not the child’s antics.
Often mom and dad want to get from the kids what they can not give by virtue of age or other reasons. Probably there are special children in your environment who can do everything, can do everything and are distinguished by impeccable behavior? Or is it just in your imagination? Think about it.
Fatigue, stress, irritability, loss of control over their emotions
Why does this happen? Another cause of anger is your stress and your perpetual rush. The pace of life makes you lose control of yourself.
Constant control and hyper-parenting inevitably leads to scandals and yelling. Get rid of the spirit of control and manipulation. How not to snap at a 6 year old child? At this time, children become schoolchildren, they begin to demand more and more. Maybe it’s worth a little “slow down”?
The child’s failure to meet the expectations of their parents
It is a bad practice to get mad at your children, because they do not meet your imaginary ideal.
A pattern of behavior from childhood
You may have a pattern of behavior imposed on you, where yelling is the main argument. Forget about it!
Ignoring the age pattern of children
You can not ask your baby to do things that are peculiar to older children. Treat these issues sensibly. Do not practice excessive pedantry!
Fast pace of life
You have a lot to do during the day. How can you avoid falling off the wagon? Try to reconsider your daily routine. Maybe it contains too many unnecessary items?
How can you stop snapping at your child?
If you want to correct the situation and rebuild it is quite possible. It will not be difficult. Hopeless children, everyone can be handled with clarification and gentle punishment. Below are a few tips on how to stop yelling. Then you won’t have to wonder how not to get mad at your child.
First of all: think about the consequences
Do you want your beloved baby to be unhappy? Grow up with a lot of complexes because of injuries? It’s unlikely. So try not to snap and look for other ways to drain the negativity. How do you do it? About this further.
Get to the bottom of your problems.
Why do you lose your temper, become aggressive, get angry and yell? Find the reasons and work to eliminate them. How not to get mad at your child? The psychologist’s advice is aimed at you, not at the baby. You are experiencing problems, so you snap. If you feel irritated, distract yourself with something. Hold back, go into another room, and allow yourself to “cool down.
That factor is the analysis of the situation and the realization that you’re just looking for someone to take your problems out on.
Managing Your Emotions
Managing your emotions involves being aware of the causes of your stress and accumulated negativity. After sorting this out and eliminating the provoking factors, you learn how to restrain yourself in relations with the children.
Relaxation techniques for a tired mom
There are plenty of ways to bring your nervous system. For example, you can:
- Carve out time for yourself. Go to the hairdresser or do sports.
- Meet with friends for intimate conversations.
- Take walks outdoors.
- Get a good night’s rest by getting to bed on time.
- Talk more in person and with virtual acquaintances.
- Listening to music, painting, embroidery, etc.
All of this helps to switch and stabilize your mood.
How to stop shouting at the child. Advice from psychologists
5 ways to contain your anger:
- Conflict Analysis. When does a child’s behavior lead to your aggression?
- The ability to tell yourself “stop” when you want to yell.
- Why did you yell? Did the child misbehave or did someone hurt you?
- Motivation to restrain yelling – the consequences that will not be long in coming. It will be possible to get rid of negativity, but the problems will not be solved.
- Any problems are easier to solve without aggression and yelling. What is said calmly gets through faster and better.
When is it necessary to see a psychologist?
Then, when you do not cope with the situation. You cannot control your anger and aggression.
How to behave during a breakdown
There are several techniques that work.
Isolate the child
Find an interesting activity for your child and distract him. Let him play in his room.
Isolate yourself from your child
Find something to do in your room yourself. Do not digest the situation, but distract yourself and do something useful.
Use psychological techniques
There are many techniques. You can apply breathing exercises, listen to music, or find your own good way to calm down.
Talk to someone.
A good distraction is talking to a girlfriend or any close or even stranger.
How to behave after a breakdown
The main thing is to get out of a conflict situation correctly. Do not dwell on it!
Calm down yourself
If you continue to be nervous, nothing will work. Find a way to calm down.
Calm the child down and apologize.
The child also needs to be reassured. Caress and apologize to him. There is nothing embarrassing or inappropriate here. Learn to admit your mistakes.
Discuss the situation
After everyone has calmed down, it is necessary to have a “debriefing. In a benevolent and even humorous way. Present the situation as comical. But at the same time point out the reason why it happened. Show the child his behavior, how it looks like from the adult’s point of view, and admit his shortcomings. Reconcile!!!
Continue to be a good enough mom.
This means: your anger is not a reason to be an “angry” mom. Your love is limitless. The child needs to be convinced of that. After the screaming, you must behave as before.
How to properly punish
Punishment must be adequate and fair. If it’s a prank, you can for a while just ignore the child, ignoring him. You should not grab for a belt!
Advice from psychologists
- Always find time for your own personal activities.
- The child is a priority. Household activities can be postponed if the baby needs your mother’s attention.
- Don’t be shy to warn other family members about your bad mood.
- Be able to ask for forgiveness and admit mistakes.
- Praise yourself. In all circumstances.
- When signs of depression, etc. appear, go to a specialist and don’t let the situation go on its own.
- Always show love for your child. No matter what happens between you.
How not to scold a small child. Conclusion
If the situation is deadlocked, and you can not control your emotions even with a strong desire, then you need to visit a professional psychologist.
An experienced specialist will help sort things out. Counseling is needed when you have tried all the options, but to fix the relationship does not work. In other cases, the question “how to stop yelling at the child” is solved with the help of techniques described in the articles. Follow our publications, and they will help you! And remember: you – a wise and mature man, and your children – are still children. You, the parents, are responsible for them, their present and future life.