Time does NOT heal: How to get over heartache

I feel pain in my soul.

I can not understand myself, I feel so bad, so bad that I want to scream at the whole world, but why, all the same, no one will understand.I hurt so many times touching hurtful to me subjects and no one knew how it hurt me, that I got used to not share their hurts.And so since childhood.My eldest child is more reasonable and you need to give more attention to the youngest.I have nothing from heaven, all by myself.All in myself.Constantly something to prove to someone. Teased fat-fat-fat thin.My friend laughed in front of everyone, I’ll kill my fiance.At work, trying to prove that something important.I cry, calm down and then break through.But lately I realize that I’m tired.No one klep, not folded.Give birth, improved.At work while I sit in maternity fell authority.War refugee, lost everything overnight.Russia-all over.But nothing works-a different country, laws.No normal clothes. We live in a cool area all look up to no one.No one you know.In the garden the child is not arranged, you can not go to work, and do not brut.My sister all work.And not succeeded blamed me, we had a big fight.Her husband generally irritates me.Children of the same age they always compare.My child has problems in development.And she All as always falls from the sky.Yes, this is jealousy, envy. My parents and people around me, they always think everything is all right, that I am with my family with my husband, but he does not understand, he listens and that’s it. His work does not fit, he has problems again. Money does not pay, not enough. From him, only dry things, let’s not cry, let’s go back to the ruins, to unemployment. Depression-nothing makes me happy. Every day there are premonitions. I have bad thoughts in my head more and more often.

I have received three pieces of advice from psychologists

Yelena Pavlovna Davedyuk

Olga, life really can be unfair, which is the most offensive, for no reason at all. But as practice, statistics, and an objective look back show, all hardships are divided into punishments and trials. There is nothing to punish you for, so everything that is happening to you now is a test that you must endure. You have clear advantages – you are young, you have a loving husband – loving, because a man who doesn’t love always leaves a sad and irritable woman (men are like that), and you have a baby – if you go to some reproductive center where women fight for decades to get pregnant, you will be the coolest there. And if you go up to a woman who’s been abandoned by her husband, you’ll often find envy in her eyes that you have him and love you. You compare yourself to people who are more financially successful, but you don’t think that their families can be in so much trouble that they are about to lay hands on themselves. But they are. Note that the angrier and more aggressive a person is, the heavier he or she is. A happy person or at least a person who is satisfied with his life will never look down on another. Of course, the difficulties you are having with your job, your housing and your social status are upsetting you now, but they will come to an end. If you put in at least a little effort (and your husband is putting in a lot of effort), things will work out. The situation with your sister is a manifestation of your parents’ unfair attitude toward you, but not of any greater love for her. It is a stereotypical, and therefore considered correct, approach that older people should always yield to younger ones. In fact, you turned out to be stronger, because you have withstood social oppression, arranged your life, and have become a wonderful mother. Your sister is not adapted to difficulties, but, you know, they cannot be avoided, and how she will behave in a difficult moment – a mystery. You’ve done a great job, you’ve stood up to it, you want to give up, but you won’t. You will have a lot of good and happy things ahead of you, the most important thing is not to give up now! After all, any trials have a limit, and your problems you have already tasted in full, and, therefore, soon everything will be normalized.

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Elena Pavlovna Davedyuk, psychologist in St. Petersburg

Anna Sergeevna Zinovieva

Your whole life is like a struggle for attention. Of course, the attention that you didn’t get from your parents when you were a child. You try to do something, to prove something, to be appreciated, to be praised, because in your mind you can be loved only for good deeds and achievements. But this is something that will keep you in suspense all the time if you don’t let go. Now you are a grown woman, you have your own family, husband and child, and they can really give you that unconditional love that you crave so much, that is not for any deeds, but just because you are, such a wonderful and unique. You don’t need to compete with anyone else (it seems like you keep trying to do this with your sister), nor do you need to chase anyone else. This is not an easy period in your life, you are under constant stress and probably even in fear. So you need to turn all of your emotional energies to your family, to support each other, to advise on strategies for survival and adaptation in the new place. After all, the feeling that you are together – a family, a team, one unit – is something that can give you both strength and confidence. And this is already important in overcoming such serious difficulties. This is your potential. And do not look back on how you will be assessed, do everything for yourself and your loved ones.

Sincerely, Anna.

Zinovieva Anna Sergeevna, a psychologist in St. Petersburg

You are constantly proving something to someone, because you want to get love, which you did not have enough in childhood. But people around you can’t love you for your parents, only you can do that. By loving yourself and lifting your self-esteem you will be able to look at the world in a different way, not from the position of a “victim” but from the position of a creator of your own destiny, and the world will turn to you from the other side.

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You are looking at the example of your sister. Most likely, she is doing well, because she loves herself and has a positive outlook on life, and life responds to her in kind. Look at your difficulties as life’s challenges. As you go through them, you grow, you become stronger and wiser.

Time does NOT heal: How to get over heartache

The best way to deal with pain is to live through it. It is crucial that you are able to share this pain with another person. Living the pain alone is the path to endless suffering, where grief is not eased, but rather intensified, where the trauma is not healed, but only “fiddled with.”

And time, it does not heal. It mends wounds, it just covers them with a gauze bandage of new impressions, new sensations, life experiences… And sometimes, when it catches on something, this bandage falls off, and fresh air gets into the wound, giving it new pain… and new life…

Time is a bad doctor… Makes you forget the pain of new wounds, inflicting more and more. So we crawl through life as its wounded soldiers. And every year the number of bad bandages on my soul grows and grows…

Erich Maria Remarque

How to survive the pain and free yourself from it?

How to make it stay in the soul forever? Let’s get to the bottom of it.

There are two basic mechanisms by which mental or psychic pain arises.

Heartache occurs when someone has violated your boundaries, treacherously, rudely and cynically intruded into your personal space. It can be violence, rudeness, insults, humiliation, rejection, etc. If you draw a parallel with physical pain, imagine cutting your finger with a knife. The integrity of the body is broken, blood is flowing, and you are in pain.

Heartache also occurs when something or someone was part of your life. And then it is gone, gone. It can be something valuable in your life, a person, a thing, something that is dear to you, something that has become one with you, something that is a part of you. And so if your husband leaves, the house burns down, the idea of something important is destroyed, dreams and plans are shattered, there is mental pain. On a physical level, this pain occurs when we disconnect something that is fused together. Again there is wound, blood, pain.

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What pain is for

Mental pain is a natural function of the body that is designed to heal wounds. The feeling is not given to us to cause suffering, but to pay attention to the wound, take time for it, and heal it.

“Reality is not what happens to us, but what we do with what happens to us.” Aldous Huxley

So how can we deal with our pain?

The worst thing we can do with pain is ignore it, try not to notice it, keep it to ourselves, suppress it . Time does not heal, it only covers the wound. The pain may diminish, but it will forever remain in a person’s soul and body, appearing on the stage of life when circumstances affect it, or manifesting as a psychosomatic illness.

The best way to get rid of pain is to live the pain.

In doing so, it is crucial that you be able to share that pain with another person. Living the pain alone is the path to endless suffering, when grief is not eased, but rather intensified, when the trauma is not healed, but only “fiddled with.

It is in contact with the other that one has the opportunity to do the work of pain and to heal the wound, to restore the integrity of the mental tissue, to free oneself from suffering, to learn to live in a new environment.

So cry to the other, talk about your loss, share your experiences.

I want to say a few more words for those who come to you with their pain.

How to behave to help the other person through their pain.

Here it’s worth remembering how people usually behave and what they say when someone else is crying:

Carrying someone else’s pain can be difficult, so we protect ourselves and say, “Don’t cry.” Meanwhile, we invite our partner to freeze their pain and leave it for centuries in their psyche.

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– Why do you suffer so much, find/birth yourself another.

No one and nothing will replace what is lost. The other will occupy a different place in your soul, and loss requires grieving.

– All will be well. Look at the sun outside. Life is beautiful.

All these kinds of consolations do not help the sufferer, but make him feel that you can not share his feelings, and he is alone in his worries.

– You have to do something. Let me help you.

You are only making things worse by starting to save the person who is suffering. This is the beginning of the victim-people-rescuer triangle.

The best thing you can do: