Being married, I fell in love with a married man
I am 35, married for 10 years, 2 children. Everything is good and stable at home. I fell in love with my client (I am a manicurist). He is 32, handsome, tall, attractive. Married 14 years. At first I just wanted to make him fall in love with me to raise my self-esteem, maybe make him a lover for bed. Using various tricks, got his attention. After a few treatments he took me by the hand, then he wrote me on social networks and began an intimate correspondence. He said that he had been looking at me for a long time and had an understandable desire. I immediately told him that I loved my husband and that I only needed you in bed. But with the intimacy he was in no hurry. He came to my place of work more often: kissing me secretly, holding my hands, talking to me with his eyes. We slept together only after 4 months of this relationship, when we were already crazy about each other. Everything was beautiful. After that he called several times a day, wrote. As I found out from a third person, his wife has psychic abilities and would have known about the cheating right away. A week later my husband found out about the correspondence and I told my lover about it. I noticed he was scared. After that he disappeared. Going to his social networking page, I saw that he was listening to sad love songs. A couple of weeks later he came to me for a manicure. I didn’t bother to clarify the relationship, because no one promised anything to anyone. He said his wife knew about the cheating, but didn’t know with whom. His eyes were sad, or maybe that’s what I thought. And after a couple of weeks and listening to sad music just deleted his page. Now I do not know whether he has cooled down or on the contrary fell in love so that he himself was frightened. How to understand, let go and forget?
Ask a psychologist right now!
Anyuta33, good day. No one knows what the other person thinks, feels and wants. That’s why we can only speculate, just like you. But a psychologist can tell you how to let go. The specialist will answer you in a while. I recommend you to read the articles About people in our lives and Changeology in Tables and Charts.
Anyuta33, hello, Anna! Can you tell me, please, did you and your lover have a relationship “on the side” for the first time? How did your husband react to the correspondence?
Hello! This is not the first time your lover has had relations on the side. The last one was a year ago. My husband was just discouraged. After all, we have always had love and understanding, and then as a knife in the back. Confidence in me is shaken.
It was my first time being unfaithful.
Is this the first time you’ve been in a relationship like this? How would you like to develop your relationship with your lover? Try to describe it in detail.
Pavel Kushner, this was the first time such a relationship had taken place. After 10 years of quiet family life, it was like a tsunami of passion. He is a skilled and experienced man in sex, as I realized, and what we talked about in correspondence, I transferred to my husband. My intimate life with my husband began to take on new colors. I felt more courageous, sexy and feminine. Even at work they paid attention to my lights in my eyes. The relationship with my lover, I planned to meet with him once a month, to sleep together, get new feelings and emotions and run away until the next time. And I told him the same thing. I did not want to get attached to him with my heart and soul, but it turned out not so, as I had planned. On the contrary, he tried to attach me to him emotionally rather than physically. As soon as I told him that we should stop it, since you are not giving me what I want, he immediately stepped up, throwing me love songs on social media with a hint on the subject. But perhaps this was done deliberately, so that I would think to myself that he has some feelings for me.
Anna, describe the feelings that you are currently experiencing and which are not giving you peace, which are the strongest, which are less strong?
What depresses and tears me most of all from the inside is that I do not understand the reason for the estrangement. After that, he said and wrote that everything was fine. The last time he came in for a manicure, I asked him why he disappeared. If he got cold, tell me so, I’ll understand, to which he replied that he did not get cold. We were always open and honest with each other because we didn’t have to build a relationship and hold someone back. I resent the fact that his words didn’t match his actions. I catch myself thinking that I want intimacy with him, more than with my husband. Sometimes I imagine him instead of my husband in bed, and it makes me hate myself. I keep replaying in my head the moments of our dates, his words, his eyes, the way he looked at me. Sometimes I realize that it was just a game on his part, and it hurts and makes me want to howl at the top of my voice. The resentment. Resentment and not understanding the reason for it are the strong points of emotion. I try to look at the situation from his point of view and sometimes I even understand him, but alas, that is very weak.
But because the relationship “on the side” is a game of love, it is a fragmented relationship, which on the one hand is bright, but on the other hand is always associated with anxiety (to be revealed). As a rule, they remain bright because of the rarity of meetings. You wrote that you planned to meet once a month. And now, given that your husband has found out about your relationship (has he found out or is he guessing?) would you be able to date your lover?
Pavel Kushner, I managed to convince my husband that there was only correspondence, he does not know for sure about the fact of cheating. Yes, I would like to continue rare meetings with my lover, maybe even less often than planned, but now I would be more careful and without correspondence, so as not to have a psychological connection with him. But since that is not possible, I want to get rid of the memories and those feelings that keep me awake sooner.
Anna, first of all you need to accept the fact that such relationships are specific and can break off at any moment, because they are risky. You wrote earlier that you feel intense resentment toward your lover and have feelings of self-loathing. Can you tell me more about what these feelings are related to: what thoughts or memories provoke them? What are these feelings motivating you to do? What do you want to do when you experience them?
Paul Kushner, I will try to explain. I was offended that I left in English without saying anything, even though I assured him that we were friends. Do friends do that? Yes, I became very attached to him, at the same time realizing that this man has no moral right to use my soul. It’s a shame that I got caught in the trap that I prepared for him (to fall in love with myself). I am angry at myself for not being able to force my brain not to think about him, not to conduct an internal dialogue with him, I cannot concentrate on anything. I try to read, watch movies, but I can’t get the point. You’re asking me what these thoughts motivate me to do? If I understand correctly, are you suggesting suicide? No. I have children and a husband I love! I have no right to do that. And then, no man is worth it, much less this one. I knew from the beginning of this relationship that sooner or later it would end, but I didn’t think it would be so ugly.
Anna, I mean, maybe you want to meet this man and discuss the issues you’re suffering over? Can you do that? Would that help you?
Pavel, no, I don’t want to see or hear or know anything about him. I don’t have his phone number anymore, he’s deleted from social networks. Yes, and there is no desire to run after him, thereby nurturing his ego. He already has high self-esteem, and here I am with my calls… No. If he doesn’t want it, I shouldn’t remind him of me; I’ll make it worse for myself.
Anna, you are grieving now because you feel abandoned, it is a normal reaction to these events and it can last for several months. All you can do at the moment is to accept your experience. Look at it from different angles. Draw conclusions and try to distract yourself. Can you reflect on the positive and negative aspects of your experience? Can you describe your thoughts on this in detail? If intrusive memories and thoughts are keeping you awake, psychotherapy can help, such as psychodrama-based therapy. You can find a specialist in your city in this area. I also have experience in conducting psychodrama sessions, including remotely via Skype.
Pavel, good day! Of course, there are many positive aspects to this story. I began to feel myself in a new way, I experienced falling in love again, euphoria, passion. At the end of the day I changed my appearance for the better. My feelings with my husband were renewed. He forgave me and does everything to make me feel good with him and not bored. I found out for myself that my husband is a perfect man and there is no one better than him. I miss him a lot at work and if he is late. He would definitely not leave quietly. I read the article on your website about people guides and decided that it was a test for me, a lesson so that this would not happen to me again. So that I could set priorities for myself. After communicating with you, I looked at it all as if from the outside. Thank you for that! I realized that I just need time to settle down and pass. I imagined what would happen if he came to our hair salon again? (Of course he wouldn’t have the conscience to come to me for a procedure, and I wouldn’t accept him as a client.) Nothing will happen. I’ll pass by, I won’t even look in that direction. He’s a stranger to me. Yes hurt, yes it hurts, but it will pass. I’ve fallen in love unrequited before (when I was young). It’s time. It takes time. Conclusions are made, priorities are set. Thank you very much again for helping me to sort out my emotions and look at the problem from the outside.
Feedback on the consultation
Paul, in my opinion, was very correct in his line of conversation with me. He directed my thoughts in the right direction, made me soberly assess the situation and look at the problem from a different angle. Helped me sort out the pros and cons in my head. Now I look at what happened calmly, I can consciously give an assessment of those relationships and the feelings that did not give rest to the soul. I am very grateful to your site for what you do. Not everyone has the opportunity to go to a face-to-face appointment with a specialist. Thank you again Paul for your support and for helping me deal with my feelings.
Relationships with a married man
There are two ways to approach an affair with a married man: for some, it is non-committal entertainment, while others try to avoid this kind of relationship in every possible way. Are there benefits in such relationships, and how to finish them with the least emotional losses?
Dating for the Unmarried
How to Find a Married Lover
If you set such a goal, then it will not be very difficult to achieve it – you just need to register on a dating website. As a rule, on most of these resources married men are trying to find a non-binding relationship. More often than not, women who are not eager to get married intentionally search for a relationship with an unmarried man. Also, such relationships do not exclude girls who need financial support, knowing that married and wealthy lovers are often particularly generous.
Where to meet him if you are married
Many women often seek out dating other men, even if they are married themselves. Just like unmarried women, they can meet a potential lover at work, on a dating site, at a resort, in a restaurant and many public places. More often than not, it is dissatisfaction with their own marriage that throws women into such encounters. However, not wanting, for whatever reason, to destroy the family, they are more willing to get in touch with a married man.
What are the advantages of such an affair:
1. The man in the marriage, will not make your relationship public. A free lover, sooner or later, may want to be the only one for his mistress, and tell her husband about the affair, while a married man initially knows what he is going for, so he acts very carefully.
Usually you do not expect unpleasant surprises from such men. They do not disappear suddenly, do not pester you with calls and messages, well understanding the specifics of meetings with an unfree person.
3. You can be calm about your health. Married men, as opposed to free, most often do not go for a casual relationship. If they already have a mistress in addition to his wife, they limit themselves to these two women. Accordingly, the risk of getting a venereal disease is reduced to a minimum.
How to behave in order to interest him
Married men do not differ much in the perception of women from the unmarried, so if he is interested in communication on the side, it will not be very difficult to seduce him. However, in this case, the appearance alone is not enough. A man must understand that you do not consider him as your potential husband. Free women should say that they are not planning to tie the knot in the near future. In turn, married women should mention that although there are problems in their family, divorce is unacceptable to them.
Advice from a psychologist in a relationship with a married man
The pros and cons of dating a married man
- If you are an opponent of formal marriage and generally do not want to get involved in a serious relationship at the moment, this option may well suit you.
- You have problems in your marriage that you are not able to solve, but you are not ready to end it. In that case, a new romance can distract you from the family problems.
- You are experiencing serious monetary difficulties, and the married suitor promises to help you solve your financial problems or you realize that this connection will save you at least some of these difficulties.
- You can not have an affair with a single man, you feel that you are not interested in the opposite sex, and married suitor is trying to win your favor in every possible way. Short-term relationship in this situation will help you improve your self-esteem.
- You know that your husband is unfair to you, and you want to get back at him. Some women in this case, dare to commit adultery, and stop his choice of married man, realizing in advance that they do not count on a long-term relationship with him.
- You can get used to the lover, and wish to create a family with him. The chosen one, in turn, will not be ready to destroy your marriage, which will inevitably lead you to stress.
- If you are single and your lover is married, over time you will begin to feel more and more that you are wasting your time with him. While the man is living life to the fullest, you have to settle for intermittent encounters.
- There is a chance that your lover’s spouse will be aware of your affair. This can turn into a big scandal for you, which may find out about your friends, colleagues or relatives. Remember that some cheating wives are very creative in their revenge.
- Accustomed to the married man, you gradually begin to torment themselves with jealousy of his own wife. Instead of an unburdening affair, you will provide yourself with a depressed mood and irritability.
- Your self-esteem may be lowered. The first time a meeting with a married man sometimes bring a certain “spice” in life, but gradually it gets boring. You want to be the only and favorite for his chosen one. In addition, the attitude towards the mistresses in the society is quite ambiguous, and to be in a similar status you will want less and less.
How to correctly build such a relationship
Do not make a scene. As a rule, people go to such a relationship in order to solve some problems, not to add themselves a new one. Surely, a married man who is not completely satisfied with his relationship with his wife won’t date a woman who is not perfect either.
Be cautious. Over time, many lovers begin to let their guard down, which turns out to be revealing to them. If you do not want your affair to be declassified, avoid texting and social networking messages – they may be read by the wrong person. The same applies to dating – don’t meet in places where acquaintances or friends can see.
Relationship with a married man, how long does it last and what do such meetings lead to
The man is married and the girl is single
Many married men prefer to date girls who are not married or in other romantic relationships. Being possessive by nature, such a man wants to be the only one for his mistress, despite the fact that he himself lives with another.
As a rule, such an affair runs the risk of much greater problems for the cheater than relationships with married girls. The free woman gradually realizes that she, too, would like her lover to belong to her alone. The status of mistress becomes less and less attractive, and nothing else is in sight. Often the affair has to be kept secret, so when girlfriends go out with their boyfriends or celebrate the holidays in pairs, a girl dating a married man is forced to feel inferior. She is no longer satisfied with secret meetings, and she begins to press her lover, hinting at a divorce, or even demanding it.
The outcome can be different. As a rule, if the relationship lasted a lot of years, the man may not dare to divorce. If the novel began fairly recently, the separation with his wife does not threaten a major loss and the man is genuinely in love with a girl who is in many ways superior to his wife, he can go to the dissolution of the marriage.
An affair of a married woman with an unmarried man
In this case, lovers are less likely to decide to divorce. The man and his mistress already have their own families, so neither of them is chasing a stamp in the passport. In addition, if people decide to have a relationship on the side rather than divorce, there is very little likelihood that it will eventually come down to the dissolution of the marriage. Often, if families do break up, it is when the spouses of lovers find out about the affair and initiate the divorce themselves.
In general, such a relationship can last longer than when the girl is single. First, a married girl already has the status of a wife and is not chasing after him. Second, a woman who is married, like her lover, is more cautious and prudent than a free woman.
Married men who go into relationships with married women see many pluses for themselves. Usually such an affair guarantees them pleasant meetings, and saves them from unnecessary requests. Free girls occasionally need a man’s help – with car repairs, household appliances, and the like. Married girls are more likely to make these requests to the spouse. In addition, such a girl does not need to make gifts because she does not want to arouse suspicion in her husband. In turn, the free one needs more attention.
What do the statistics say about whether a marriage is possible after such a relationship?
The statistics in this case are quite fuzzy. However, it is worth noting that in most cases, if a man has not decided to divorce in the first year after his mistress appeared in his life, then later it will be harder for him to do so, because he will get used to the status quo. A man who has recently infatuated with another and the relationship with her brings him a lot of positive emotions, is more pliable and easier to divorce.
How to steal a married man out of the family
Fall in love with yourself
In this situation, you should act as with any other chosen one. If you want a man to fall in love, you should always look well-groomed and seductive. Even if you are in a bad mood, your lover should not feel it – let him always be pleasant to be in your company.
Also pay attention to how you treat him. Sincerely support a man, be his inspiration, be happy about his successes. He should understand that you are the woman who is truly interested in his personality, his desires hobbies.
You should also arouse the interest of other people or be quite a versatile person. Take up a new interesting hobby. Pay attention to dancing – many men like girls who are fond of some dance styles. This intrigues them, excites the imagination. Try to live an exciting life so that your chosen one will be interested in you.
With the help of pregnancy
If you decide to get pregnant from a married man, then be prepared for the fact that you will have to raise the baby yourself. If the man already has children in the family, your situation will not make a big impression on him. Moreover, he may decide that the relationship has become too complicated, and leave you. It is for these reasons, you should understand that while he is in the marriage, the responsibility for the decision to have a baby rests solely on you.
Another case is if the man has no children in the family. Perhaps the couple failed to conceive or his wife decided to wait with this – then your chances increase significantly. Many people associate children with family happiness, respectively, the man begins to realize that you and your child together is his family. However, note that the situation may be different if the man was not going to become a father and that this prospect is causing him doubts.
In any case, it is better to discuss the subject in advance with the man. Ask him how things would have developed if he knew you were pregnant. Chances are his answer will be close to the truth.
“All’s fair in war, all’s fair in war.”
1) If your spouse knows of your existence, or at least suspects it, the man regularly faces conflicting situations at home. You have to act completely differently – support the lover, say that if necessary, you are willing to let him go. He must be calm and comfortable with you.
2) Do not put pressure on him. You have a lot of superiority over his spouse, but do not require him to leave to you. He himself must realize that you are a better option. If you want to make a man active, better let him know that you have an admirer. Jealousy may cause him to make a choice in your favor.
3) Become a close person for him, and it’s not just about the intimate side of the issue. Support your lover, encourage him, show his high value to yourself. Ask for his advice more often, praise him and admire him.
4) Don’t try to make your spouse know about you. Chances are, your lover will know right away who the “source of information” is, even if you are careful. Your proactivity will probably alienate him and put a stop to this relationship.
5) Create a conducive environment for meetings. If dates take place at your home, make it comfortable for him to come to you. Cook delicious meals, keep your home clean. Let the man will have his own slippers, his favorite cup, bought especially for him. If you are meeting on neutral territory, also find an opportunity to show care for your lover, he will pay attention to this.
How to end an affair with a man who is not free
Most women who have at least once entered into a long-term relationship with a married man, try not to repeat this experience again, and such suitors become a taboo for them.
Even if it is possible to “steal” a man out of the family, not always it brings the expected sense of satisfaction. If the man decides to stay with his wife, then the woman may feel used or depressed. So you realize that you have more negative emotions from this relationship than positive? It’s time to end the affair!