I do not love my husband, but I can not leave: explain the point

I want to leave my husband: a temporary weakness or a firm decision

“I want to leave my husband.” Such a thought comes to many women from time to time, because not always all relationships are perfect. Maintaining harmony in the family is a big and hard work, which not all lovers are capable of. For this reason, some people’s marriage lasts no more than a year, and others unexpectedly for themselves celebrate the fiftieth wedding anniversary.

If you are suddenly thinking about divorce, then before you burn all the bridges behind you, it is important to think carefully about whether you really have good reasons to leave your husband. In what cases it will be the right decision, consider in our article.

Crises in family relationships

If the couple’s relationship does not work out, is it worth getting a divorce? It is impossible to give an unambiguous positive or negative answer here, so it is best to ask for help from a marriage counselor or psychologist. He will help to identify marital problems and ways to solve them. When the misunderstanding in the marriage occurred for the first time or occurs infrequently, there is a great chance to save the relationship.

In psychology there are several phases of marital crisis. Of course, such a division is rather arbitrary, it is not equally indicative for all couples in the world, because it depends on many factors. But still there is a reason to consider certain common terms.

The beginning of married life is a real test for couples, because at this time may emerge all the pitfalls and reveal the features of the partner’s character, which previously were not even suspected. At this time, you have to remove the rose-colored glasses and accept the realities as they are. It is not known whether the wife can cope with the annoyance of the constant soap divorces on the bathroom mirror, and the husband – with the fact that the cooked food is not always edible. Such discoveries often cause partners to become frustrated with each other.

This is a serious challenge, often coinciding with the birth of a firstborn. During this phase it is important for spouses to realize that they are no longer just a couple. A child changes the regime and daily routine of all family members, and demands constant attention. The mother devotes all of herself to the baby, while very little time is left for the husband, and as a rule, he gets a tired and exhausted wife.

Often this crisis does not occur, and the couple may quietly move into the next phase. At this time, the spouse either goes to work after the birth of the child, or one maternity leave is replaced by another. In either case, the family is subjected to new stressful situations, tension, and therefore there are additional reasons for anger and discord in the family.

It is considered one of the most intractable. Love turns into a habit, feelings and passion cool down, each spouse lacks care and affection. At this time, a new round of recriminations and dissatisfaction begins. Genesis sucks in and becomes unbearable. Often at this point the husband goes in search of warmth on the side and gets a mistress.

This period becomes decisive: whether the marital union will last or fall apart. If the couple can get past this stage, nothing else threatens them. It often coincides with a mid-life crisis. Children also begin in adolescence, with its ensuing adolescent rebellion and disobedience. As you can see, at this time in the family a whole set of reasons for discord.

7 Situations When It’s Really Worth Leaving Your Husband

Probably everyone has heard the phrase that love lives for three years. And such a statement is not accidental. It is after this term that the first turning point can occur. After seven years of life together, there is another, no less dangerous crisis. But if the spouses were able to overcome these difficult situations, it will only strengthen their relationship. There are times, though, when difficulties undermine a marriage.

With the onset of serious problems in the family, many women think: “I want to leave my husband. But you should not rush to conclusions and make decisions, because crises in the relationship are usually temporary. Of course, it’s easier to break than to glue. And the spouses see a difficult period in the family as a situation that must be resolved: divorce, break the relationship. What are the true and serious reasons for leaving your partner?

A partner’s love affair can be a reason for divorce. Women are able to accumulate anger for a long time, but rarely forgive serious insults. The worst of these is when you are betrayed. Few people are capable of forgiving that, much less forgetting it. In any case, even if a wife has suffered once, her husband will not get a second chance. Without thinking, walk away from a man who is used to infidelity!

Psychologists constantly say that living together just for the sake of the children is far from a good idea. Parents think that so they take care of their children, who live in a full family. But the constant conflicts and quarrels will do much more damage to the psyche of the child than the temporary absence of a parent and their divorce. If a spouse concludes for herself: “I want to leave her husband for another or in the free floating” – it is better to do so.

Sometimes it is extremely important to a person what his acquaintances and neighbors think of him. This is a significant reason not to break up a relationship, so that there is no gossip and gossip. They are afraid to disappoint their friends who are in favor of preserving their marriage. But this approach is fundamentally wrong. Because everyone is responsible only for themselves. And you should not be concerned about the opinion of others about their personal lives. A couple should have complete independence in this matter.

Intimacy is not a key part of the marital union, but it is necessary. And if there is no attraction and understanding in this area, it will be difficult to maintain a good relationship. One of the spouses may find a lover. This is one of the reasons why a wife wants to leave her husband for another.

When people first start living together, life seems like a fairy tale, the wife sees only the good in her chosen one, and any shortcomings seem insignificant. But soon everything can change, and harmless at first habits begin to irritate: scattered socks, raised toilet lid and even such things as the manner of walking, silly jokes. The reason for the discontent, most likely, is not in the real actions of her husband, but that you just pissed off the man himself. His actions become just an excuse to pour out your feelings.

Everyone in the family has to do their part in the household chores. It is great when the man can wash a cup after himself, wash socks if necessary, and put the baby to bed. A woman, in turn, should not hang on her husband’s neck, but try to earn money too. Mutual assistance will create a harmonious relationship. Otherwise, the marital union will not last long, one of the spouses will not endure.

One of the main reasons when a woman decides: “I want to leave my husband”, is abuse. In this case, both psychologists and relatives will only support you. It makes no difference what the severity of abuse by a spouse. If he just once could raise his hand against you, you need to think. Spousal aggression is always caused by a reason: either the husband’s mental instability, or it’s a response to his wife’s dissatisfaction. But you should not even try to understand him and justify it. There should be no place in the family for bullying. This is as much a crime as a criminal one, and the minimum you should do is to pack your bags and leave.

How to properly leave your husband

If you decide to leave, then do it peacefully, without unnecessary fighting. It’s better to take such a decision on a cool head, when you’re calm, but not in a moment of scandal, for example. If you realized that you can no longer and do not want to live with your husband, then do not put it off indefinitely. Here are some tips on how to leave properly:

  1. Plan a dialogue with your husband, explain the situation to him without nerves. Try to solve all the issues that have arisen, especially about the division of property, child support rights, discuss the days of the father’s meeting with the children. You should clarify all aspects of your future life.
  2. When do I have to leave? Match the situation. If you realized that you want to leave your husband for another”, talk about the situation with your spouse calmly and thoughtfully, do not give in to persuasion or provocation. Husbands may try to start a scandal. Stay calm and don’t react. If the conversation doesn’t work, walk away in silence. And later, when the man calms down, discuss everything.
  3. If you can stay friends, try to do just that. After all, you once loved each other, and part friends – it’s an act worthy of respect. Do not slander your former chosen one, to tell bad things about him to friends and strangers. Try to keep a good relationship, especially if there are children in the family.

How to leave your husband when there is a child

We have already found out that the family should not exist for the sake of children, there is no need to even try to pick up the pieces of a broken relationship. Quarrels, scandals with your husband, emotional abuse, physical abuse, and cheating make not only you suffer, but also the child. Despite his age, he understands everything, and in the future such experiences can affect his personal life.

When the child is small, you can tell him, “Daddy will live separately for a while, but he will always come to you. Don’t go into too much detail. When he grows up, you will find the right words, and by that time your child may have a new father. Your teenager may realize for himself the reasons for divorce, and that living separately from his father – it’s best for him. In this case, try to preserve the dignity of the father in the eyes of the child, even if the former spouse did not deserve it.

After your divorce, file for child support immediately, and if you are on maternity leave, demand an amount that will allow you to support your children and yourself. This issue should only be resolved in court, no promises. In practice, ex-husbands help rarely, briefly, or give an amount that is barely enough for the child’s food, not to mention clothes and everything else.

How to start a new life after leaving your husband

Never regret leaving your man or the time you spent with him. This is what weak people do, and you – a strong woman, since you made such an important and difficult step. Moreover, there is no turning back. But you learned life lessons and gained new experiences that have made you stronger and wiser. Only when you cope with feelings of discouragement, sadness, anger and hatred can you find peace and tranquility, and be open to new feelings.

But do not immediately try to find another man. Feel the freedom, live for a while only for yourself beloved. No need to cry, to sacrifice themselves, to devote all the time only to the children and home affairs. Unsuccessful family experience does not mean that you will always be alone. Better yet, get rid of all things related to your ex-husband, even if they are expensive.

By letting go of negative emotions, you can replace longing and anger with happiness, love for yourself and life.

  1. Always think about yourself, about what is good for you . Do not dwell on others, it’s your life. And if you still have any feelings about an alcohol addict, a rapist or a bad father, just turn them off and think soberly.
  2. Discover new horizons . Read an interesting detective story, go camping, go to the movies, go skydiving. While you’ve been putting up with your husband’s bullying, life has been passing you by. So now you need to make up for lost time. And believe me, it’s a lot better than crying into your pillow and eating cookies at night.
  3. Find yourself a hobby. Analyze your interests and find something to your liking. Maybe decide to go to some courses or join a special club. There you will not only occupy your mind, but also make new friends.
  4. Also take care of your appearance. Go to a salon, because you know that “a new hair – a new life. Update your closet, exercise, change your eating habits. And you’ll feel light not only in your body, but also in your head.
  5. Plunge headlong into work. Permanent employment will not give you time to suffer. And there’s career growth, high salary. Become independent and self-sufficient. This will not only improve the financial situation, but to become more attractive in the eyes of the opposite sex.
  6. Get your head in order . Do not make the same old mistakes, define for yourself the criteria for choosing a life partner in the future, perhaps you also need to change something in yourself.

And do not be afraid of the unknown. You will not be alone, your children, friends and relatives will be with you. You will cope with all the difficulties. If you have firmly decided: “I want to leave my husband to another” – this already says about your determination and strength of spirit.

Learn to think positively. Take the divorce is not the end, and as a start – a new life, a new self, new opportunities. Believe in your strength, and then no obstacles and falls you are not afraid.

How to decide to break up when you are unhappy in a relationship and at what point to do it: advice from a psychologist

Hello friends, here is psychologist Elena Yelizarova. In this article I will try to solve one dilemma: to break up and regret or to suffer the rest of his life with an unloved man. The key problem in a breakup is one: to understand whether to break the relationship or it is still possible to save . What to do – read my new material.

Breaking up is always painful, but it’s often for the best

The types of relationships that definitely won’t work out well

If you watch TV shows like “Male and Female,” you can observe the following picture: in the studio sits a tortured unhappy young lady, tells how her husband drinks, beats her and does not bring home a penny. And when people in the studio ask her why she is living with him, she replies that she loves him madly. And in general, he is a good guy, he just has problems at work, childhood is difficult, and so on and so forth.

No, dear friends, she does not love him, and work and childhood have nothing to do with it. Here we are dealing with a destructive relationship, where in principle there can be no happiness. Although psychologists usually do not give advice, here I can safely say: any destructive relationship should be terminated without thinking. I will list a few types of such relationships.

Co-dependency

Do you know the expression “It is impossible to be together and apart”? It perfectly illustrates a co-dependent relationship. The wife who cannot leave her husband, who is a clinical alcoholic, or the guy who is thinking about suicide when his girlfriend has left him – all of these are prime examples of a neurotic, or co-dependent, relationship.

Normal love is when we calmly endure a breakup with a partner, not when we hang ourselves on the walls. The object of adoration is not the center of the universe, without which life loses meaning.

A healthy union is a union of two independent individuals where the rights of both are respected

The trap is that co-dependence is mistaken for true love itself. At first glance, it seems logical: if I can’t live without him (her), then I love him (her). In fact it is not love, it is co-dependence. About how to recognize it, distinguish it from true feelings, and what to do with it, I wrote here.

Abuse in a relationship

To simplify, abusive is a type of relationship where one partner manipulates the other, just for fun or to achieve certain goals.

It completely suppresses the will of the person, forcing them to do what they want.

The arsenal of tools for this can be the most sophisticated:

  • Psychological and even physical violence.
  • Financial dependence.
  • Sexual addiction, when the abuser uses intimacy as leverage.
  • Gaslighting: a favorite technique when the abuser convinces the victim of his inferiority.
  • Total control of communication, movements, words, thoughts.
  • Failure to respect and violate personal boundaries.

The abuser will go as far as to achieve total control over the victim’s behavior. You can read more about abusive relationships in this article.

Feelings are gone or never existed

Another important reason to end a relationship is the lack of feelings for your partner . I mean when you are actually living with someone else. You do not love him, you do not want to make plans for the future together, intimacy gives no pleasure and is perceived as an obligation, and so on. Another important criterion – the complete absence of emotions in the clarification of the relationship. That is, you argue, quarrel, then make up, but in the soul at the same time nothing happens: one continuous indifference.

When the tomatoes wilted.

Such a relationship must be ended, it will do both of them good. But at this point it is worth saying a big “but”: you are absolutely certain of the absence of feelings, have tried all possible and impossible ways to revive relationships: went to training, visited a psychologist, tried to understand and accept each other. While these methods have not been tested, perhaps about the extinction of feelings early to talk about: you just temporarily cooled down to a partner, there is an age crisis, and so on.

Well, if feelings have never been (marriage “on the fly,” at his youth, at the insistence of parents, and so on), this is also reason to break up.

I’ll make one more footnote. It’s a platitude, but every case is different and no relationship can be judged by a certain set of criteria. Like, this relationship can be ended, and this one must be preserved. There are a lot of examples when a marriage of convenience grew into a strong union and vice versa when the strong union of loving hearts broke apart. And even those who broke up and then bitterly regretted it, not to count.

You always need to understand the reasons, to listen to both sides and only then act. That is why in difficult situations, it is better to apply to an experienced family psychologist.

When is it worth trying to save the relationship and how to do it

So, abusive, lack of feelings, co-dependent and neurotic relationships are futile (but remember the one “but”, okay?). But it often makes sense to struggle and keep the union alive. What are these cases? Actually, all the others.

Often people want to break up out of pride, inability to agree, the eternal scandals, lack of common interests. At the same time there are feelings, but for some reason they recede into the background. And in vain: to find a man and love him much harder than to deal with household problems, difficulties in relationships or to overcome their own ambitions and pride. The phrase “fall in love with someone else” only sounds easy and simple. Feelings are the foundation upon which everything is built. And what you can’t build is another matter.

If there is no foundation, the fiasco is inevitable.

Now about how you can build a relationship. With your permission I will not reproduce and cite tips that are already full on the Internet (go on vacation, find common interests, spend more time with each other), and talk about a much more effective way.

Much more effective is changing the first of all himself, rather than trying to reshape the other person under your ideal image of husband or wife.

I’ll tell you one simple thing: your expectations about your partner, his behavior, views, and so on – this is just your expectations. This may sound cynical, but it’s your problem, not your partner’s. He is a free man and does not have to conform to what you have imagined.

Ask yourself one simple question: is it so critical that the partner does not conform to my idea of an ideal husband/wife? Or is it just my desires, not particularly justified? So he likes fishing, evenings with a tent at the campfire, the guitar and all this. Do not impose such a man nightclubs, package tours abroad and shopping just because you think it is right.

Changing your partner through changing yourself is an effective thing, but with mutual freedom. Don’t like fishing? Okay, your right, but you can’t deprive your husband of that leisure time. And he, in turn, must return the favor. The principle of the dog in the hay (I don’t like fishing and I won’t let you go) won’t work here.

One more thing: this approach will not work in the case of a destructive relationship. A person won’t change if he doesn’t want to, no matter how hard you try. Read more about how to change your partner, whether you should do it, and if you should, how to do it in this article.

I want to leave my partner but I can not. Why not?

We dealt with the cases when you should stop the relationship, and when it makes sense to fight and try to save them.

Now I will tell you why it is so hard to decide to break up, even when it is a destructive relationship: co-dependency, abusive relationships, or lack of feelings.

Secondary benefits.

We often don’t realize it, but even in the worst relationships, both parties will reap certain benefits. Here are a few examples:

  • The wife doesn’t love her husband, tolerates him, but the husband is fabulously rich. Money is the secondary benefit that the wife cannot refuse. They get in the way of deciding to get a divorce.
  • The daughter lives with her toxic mother. Everything is bad: the mother pesters her appearance, humiliates her, tells her to find a normal job. The other side of the coin: even living with such a fury, you can enjoy secondary benefits. No need to look for housing, there is always a hot lunch on the table, you can grab until payday. That’s why the daughter is in no hurry to move out, even though the relationship has already exhausted both of them.

Even in the worst of relationships, both parties will reap some benefits

The difficulty is that not everyone guesses about the existence of secondary benefits and supplant them with something else, not understanding why they can’t leave their partner. And therein lies the devil: In order to end the relationship, you need to recognize the existence of such benefits and find out what they can be replaced upon separation. In this you can help a qualified psychologist, come to this alone is often impossible. After all, it’s about our subconscious, where so easily do not climb.

Low self-esteem

Another common reason for fear of separation – low self-esteem. Yes, I do not love him, but who needs me but him? All my life I was a mouse, at the disco near the wall stood, no one else will love me.

This position is flawed and wrong. In this case you need to start with work on self-esteem, and only then – on the relationship. You can read about self-esteem and ways to raise it in my article.

Fear of loneliness

This is more peculiar to women, we are the weaker sex. It happens that the wife is hesitant to divorce precisely and only because she is afraid to be alone. And here somehow, the man next to her. Let the feelings and no, but there is a strong shoulder.

Fear of loneliness does not arise from nothing: it usually correlates with low self-esteem, when a woman believes that will remain alone because no one wants, and with a secondary benefit. I do not love, but there is someone to fix the faucet and hammer a nail.

It is necessary to work through this fear in a complex way, preferably together with a psychologist. It is necessary to work with self-esteem, to identify latent secondary benefits and to understand the causes of the phobia.

Fear of regret of parting in the future

Quite an understandable phobia. Examples from life, when women strongly regretted the fact that they had left a good man, full-packed.

A strong woman crying at the window is about the same thing.

However, the survivor’s mistake effect can work here: if you communicate only with women who regretted their divorce, it may seem that everyone regrets it. In fact, those who divorced and only rejoice are no less, and perhaps even more.

How do you overcome fear and not regret breaking up? The fact is that breaking up is a decision just like any other. If you fear making a mistake, then you do not know how to make good decisions in principle.

How to Make the Right Decision

How to make the right decision can be found here. I will briefly list the main points:

  • If time is working for you, don’t rush the decision. Perhaps the problem will resolve itself.
  • Ask for advice from competent people: friends, acquaintances, relatives. You can see better from the outside.
  • Widen the problem. Not always separation is the only solution. You can separate for a while, go to a psychologist, try new formats of family life.
  • Do not make hasty decisions. Filing an application after a quarrel is not the best option.
  • Write out the pros and cons of the breakup on a piece of paper. If the pros outweigh the cons, all may not be lost. But again with the caveat that we are not talking about co-dependency or abusive relationships.
  • If you don’t know what to do, act on your conscience. It seems like divorce – the most logical thing that can be imagined in your situation, but on the soul of a scratch and not in place. In this case it is worth at least wait.

How to break up and not go crazy.

So, a divorce or separation took place after all. We must somehow move on to live in the new realities. There will be a long adaptation – both domestic and psychological.

Here you can read a great article on how to survive a divorce. All of the points can also be successfully applied to the separation of partners who did not make it to marriage.

Briefly it looks like this:

  • Accept the fact of what happened. The relationship is over and it is for good.
  • Don’t try to get your ex back if the breakup was his initiative. You will live in the past and will not be able to build a new relationship.
  • Try to find the positives in your new status. They are: you are your own head, you can do things that you did not have time for before.
  • Do not start a new relationship right after the breakup unless you go to another man.
  • Work on your self-esteem, the reasons for the breakup, so as not to step on the same rake in the future.

And that’s it for me for today! Of course,in one article can not fit all the recommendations on how to survive a breakup. But you can make an appointment with me for a consultation to talk in person.

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