Husband is rude and insulting.

“My husband is morally harassing me: constantly scolds and insults without cause.

My husband and I have been living together for six years, our daughter is 2 years old. At the moment I am on maternity leave, but soon I am going to go to work, since my daughter went to kindergarten. Only my husband has been mocking me lately: he keeps saying that I don’t remember something or am very “dumb.

For example, I could ask a question about a relationship or money, and he would say, “I’m fed up, I already answered you yesterday. You do not remember anything, and I will not repeat it 10 times. Or, when he comes home from work and puts his stuff away, he starts looking for his car keys and swears that I’ve lost them and don’t remember where I put them. Although I have not touched them, and I know that for a fact. Later he finds the keys, but still claims it was my fault!

At the same time he is irritable, he raises his voice, and he can insult me… And he acts like this in almost all the issues. What is it? Why does he do this? How can I protect myself?

Eva, do you really care what it is? As far as I’m concerned, you know exactly what it is. And you even call it what it is: bullying, swearing, blaming, raising your voice, insulting, angry. You write it yourself – and you hardly need understudies.

You should not doubt your feelings and your understanding of what is happening, otherwise the opportunity for dialogue will be lost. A person who is devoid of opinions, feelings and desires disappears as a subject. You can do whatever you want with him, like a thing. Be sure of what you see with your own eyes.

Now to the question, “Why does he do that?” Let’s try to move from specifics to metaphor. I read your letter, and I tried to imagine myself in your shoes, and… I felt like a child.

You know, like a little girl who comes up to her daddy and says, “Daddy, let’s go play…” And he’s on his wavelength and he’s playing hardball with her. Chooses to give up live contact in some way. He doesn’t need her right now with her questions and desires in sight. Interferes, angers her with her presence instead of her bear…

Although he is not interested in her at the moment. Why Daddy does this, it is impossible to say in absentia. Only if you ask him directly – but, let’s be honest, it’s unlikely to do anything. Because if the person continues to do what he does, it means that he has an iron motivation and there are no obstacles to repeat the maneuvers.

This motivation, most likely, is poorly understood by him. It is quite possible that you fall “under the blowout” and his anger actually has nothing to do with you. Otherwise you would understand why he is angry with you. With something the man can not cope in “his field”, can not make a decision, to cope with some obstacle in life, a threat … and here you are with your “bear” (unimportant to him now issues).

It is impossible to say exactly what is in his head. But you see the most important thing: the contact merges, the affect is there. So there is a hidden suffering that he himself cannot resolve. At the same time, he can’t tell you about it directly. But you’re not a little girl, you’re a grown woman. So you have the opportunity to act:

  • Talk about how bad you feel, about how you feel when he starts bullying you. Maybe it will work.
  • Since his true motivation is unknown, but the suffering is there, you can begin to act biologically. Like with a child: embrace him, shift the focus of attention from his “mental itch” to some kind of pleasure. The warmer and more human the pleasure, the closer to genuine care, the better. After all, when a person can’t cope with something, that “can’t cope” part of him is like a child. This technique will lessen the affect.

And then you can ask your husband questions, listening carefully to his answers. And it is possible to be constructive, if his suffering is connected with what can be said to you.

Maybe he really has some worries at work, and he just displaces his anger at you from a feeling of helplessness. Or angry that your coming out of maternity leave, your social freedom, and it reminds him of some of his failure. Talk. Find out, feel it out.

There is a possibility that your husband’s suffering has to do with you preventing him from freely fulfilling his new sexual needs. It’s not pleasant to read, but let it be spelled out, not secret. Therefore, he is angry directly at your presence because you are directly a hindering factor. To speak directly about what is going on, he may be afraid. But someone has to bring it up.

And if your heart is pounding now, then think about how you can bring sex back into the family. Not bad with such requests cope with systemic family psychotherapy. However, a sincere conversation with each other may also be quite enough – if you still consider each other the best partners for themselves.

Husband is insulting: looking for a way out of the situation

What should women do, whose husband constantly insults? Begin to show mutual aggression? Be patient? Try to talk sense into the spouse? In some cases, this can fix the situation, in some – not. The fact is that there are men who consider their behavior absolutely normal.

In general, the question of what exactly to do, quite difficult. Act here it is necessary to act carefully and always take into account the peculiarities of this situation. But that is exactly what you can not do is to leave the problem without attention. Hopes that over time, all will be settled, here too illusory.

7 possible causes of aggression from your husband

You can be classified as a devoted and loving wife, a good hostess, a caring mother. You are treated with respect at work, you constantly look after yourself, you do not flirt with other men. But your husband insults you, constantly dissatisfied with something.

Any little thing causes him an attack of aggression, which usually goes into a huge flow of profanity and abuse. What are the reasons for this?

Relying on the older generation.

This model of family relations the person adopted from his parents. A child who lived in a family where there was a lack of understanding, and the father constantly criticized the mother, is likely to carry this experience into their marriage. In his mind, he can’t even imagine that a completely different atmosphere can prevail in a family.

Feelings of jealousy and inhibitions

Men with low self-esteem can raise it only with the help of psychological violence over other people. Experts argue that by morally humiliating a woman, in their subconscious, people seem to themselves stronger. By the way, they can also speak negatively about the people around them. The situation heats up even more if the wife has a successful career. Therefore, to lower her self-esteem, reducing it to her own, the domestic tyrant resorts to all kinds of insults.

Problems not affecting the spouse

Why else would a husband always try to be abusive? A man who struggles to solve his problems on his own, not shifting them to others, may end up unwittingly pouring his negativity on his own wife. The reason for this situation is usually the fact that the spouse assumes in advance that his wife will judge him instead of supporting.

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Lack of warmth in relationships

Psychological pressure from your spouse can be quite understandable: feelings have burned out. There are many reasons for this, but the result is the same: for a man, living with a woman without love seems to be a real ordeal. Many people do not see here the problem, believing that out of this situation is only possible in a simple way: just sit down and discuss everything with his wife, talking about their feelings. But most men can not simply dare to do this act.

Constant comparison

The husband can constantly insult his wife in a marriage where the head of the family is a mama’s boy, who constantly compares his ideal mother and spouse. Not less common is the existence of an affair on the side or the presence of an ex-wife. In this situation, the man offends his spouse, as he believes that she is very far from ideal. Psychologists advise not to take the words spoken by the husband to heart, because it is only his subjective assessment.

Low self-esteem of the partner

Your spouse insults you because he is afraid of losing you. This behavior is typical of men with low self-esteem. Most likely, your husband is behaving like a sadist, because he is afraid of destroying the marriage. He is trying in every way to lower a woman’s self-esteem and convince her that no one but him is interested in her. In this way, the man is trying to provide himself with a guarantee that you will not go anywhere, even when he ends up being a loser and achieving nothing in life.

The presence of provocation

Yes, dear ladies, you often do not behave like angels. For example, instead of being with your husband, you spend a very long time with your girlfriends or watching soap operas.Or you have daily headaches. Moreover, the outburst of aggression may be provoked by your unfriendly relationship with his family members, etc. Men with little experience in life often vent all the accumulated it is with the help of swearing and shouting. So think about your own behavior.

Seven steps to solve the problem

Acknowledge your problem.

Do not worry, everything happens in time. If you notice that a loved one is trying to humiliate or insult you all the time, very often displeases you, attacks you with verbal accusations for no reason, calls you unpleasant words, you should think about why this happens and from what moment he began to behave this way. In the head after a woman has only one thought: “I will not forget what he told me, every insulting phrase hits you right in the heart. You want to cry, to run away from the man and no longer communicate with him.

But this behavior does not fix the situation. Only a constructive dialogue in private can change the attitude towards you.

Stop looking through rose-colored glasses.

Maybe your man was originally so, but at the beginning of the relationship, being in euphoria, you are not paying attention to this. Not really look closely to the lover and the way he behaves. Even if you paid attention, you justified it. It is possible that the spouse is just not able to clearly articulate their claims and you are not able to make out all the flow of discontent, that wants to bring to you your “soul mate”. Each case has its own peculiarities.

Take a look at your pain.

At this moment, you may feel that as a person you are losing or have already lost. You’re afraid to be alone, you’re worried about the fate of your future, you’re not sure of yourself. And the most disgusting – the feeling of pain, which does not subside. It is very strong, you can not cope with it, trying to forget yourself in conversations with friends, drinking, shopping. This behavior can help you forget about the painful feelings for a while, but it does not solve the problem. You need to understand where the pain is coming from, what its sources are.

Do not try to change your partner.

“What do I do if my husband is abusive?” – you ask yourself the question, being depressed. And, of course, quickly want to understand the behavior of a spouse and understand what it’s all about. Why is the man so behaves? You might think that, if you understand the reason for this behavior, you will be able to change it. But this is far from it. You will find the reason. But you can not change a person, especially a mature personality.

For your partner to change, it will take his sincere desire. Any faults in the marriage can be smoothed if both parties are committed to it. So threats and yelling will not fix the problem. A heart to heart talk will help. Or seek advice from a psychologist.

Try to examine yourself.

You have to go back to reality and accept the fact that you have never lost yourself. You have always been there. There is still you. But you are not satisfied with your ideas of yourself in this union with this young man. Essentially, we are seeing a kind of conflict between the image of “me-real” and “me-perfection.

For example: your spouse argues because the apartment is always dirty and you are not the best mistress. You listen to his dissatisfaction and begin to wind himself that he’s probably telling the truth, because in the house really isn’t perfect order, and after such speculation your self-esteem is reduced. You begin to feel awful hostess. Similar examples can be given endlessly.

The main thing to realize is that you have ceased to appreciate and understand yourself. You will have to work on yourself, preferably together with a specialist. Note that, most likely, this will be an unpleasant procedure, because they will start to dig into your inner world. But it will be worth it, you will look at the union in a different way and establish contact with yourself. With confidence stand on both feet, to put it metaphorically. You have to learn to please yourself first of all. It’s unrealistic to be happy in a relationship with a man if you don’t feel like one yourself.

Set the boundaries of admissibility in marriage.

Ask yourself the question, “How did I get into a relationship where my husband insults and humiliates me and gradually kills me?” After all, once out of all the guys on earth you stopped and fell in love with this particular man. The reasons are probably hidden deep in your subconscious. It is necessary to understand what the boundary of the relationship. By it we mean those moments in your marriage, where you can change something, and those where change is basically impossible. And certain facts are quite obvious. You just need to take them into account. And understand for yourself what you can do for the sake of your marriage and what you can’t do.

Get away from a toxic relationship.

If your husband yells and insults, is able to raise his hand against you, think about whether you really need a spouse and this marriage? Do you dream of constantly worrying and crying? And if you say “no” without thinking, find the strength to say goodbye to a toxic relationship. Let them go.

If you’re still determined to save the marriage, you should go back to the main advice – a heart-to-heart talk. The spouse needs to try to get her rude lover out into a serious dialogue, what happened, why he is yelling at you and insulting in front of his own children. The sooner you find the reason for what happened, the sooner you get out of a conflict situation.

Perhaps he will give you a reason that seems to you quite ridiculous, for example, jealousy of his first love, or a popular actor, whose posters are hung in your room, or that you communicate too often with friends. These problems are not difficult to solve. But such a conversation is worth having only if you feel calm and your spouse does not raise his voice at you.

Psychologists’ tips for women who are insulted by her husband

If your husband began to insult you, the advice of a psychologist will help you to easily survive the situation and direct the relationship in the right direction. Experts suggest:

Leave your spouse alone – even if you have not thought about separation, you can move out of the apartment for a while. Do not agree to meetings, ignoring calls and messages. Upon your return, tell your husband how peaceful you have been without him. This will sober your partner, and it is likely he will think about his behavior.

Ignore your husband in another fit of aggression. Just walk out of the room or turn away and wait in silence until your husband stops insulting you.

Then calmly tell him that you should not blame others for the fact that the man has driven himself into such a sad state. If he needs help, his family will support and help him. Hysterics and profanity are grounds for ending family life, which should definitely be mentioned in the conversation.

Questions are hurtful and vilifying in a public place. This can stop the outburst of aggression, as tyrants do not like an audience. But it is not recommended to resort to this technique if family members or children are nearby.

What not to do, so as not to aggravate the situation

If there is a situation in the marriage where the spouse can afford to be morally abusive and make daily attacks on the spouse, it is strictly forbidden:

Having conversations about ex-boyfriends.

Blame the spouse for difficulties that keep the family from achieving well-being and happiness.

To let the situation go on its own and make no attempt to resolve it.

Being a victim in the relationship, reinforcing a sense of impunity in the sadist.

Blackmail a divorce, as this is the goal of this behavior, and therefore, it has been achieved and there is nothing to correct.

Hysterics are also unnecessary here. All of what is happening perceive with calm. That’s how you can show the aggressor that his behavior is ineffective, and most likely he will stop bullying.

To reason about why the husband is abusive is much easier than to apply these tips in life. But if you want to save the marriage and feel comfortable, you need to do everything possible.

You should calmly ask a number of questions that will serve as the basis for a constructive conversation. What is the relationship between you? What should be done to steer it in the right direction? Are third parties involved? Which one of you meets the ideal requirements? Are there feelings between you? If your partner is willing to talk, you can begin to analyze the causes of this situation and discuss possible ways to fix the problem.

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