What to do if her husband constantly insults and humiliates
React to her husband’s insults, according to the advice of psychologists, it is necessary according to the situation. In themselves, aggression and violence are unacceptable in a relationship, and if the insults happen on a regular basis, and the man does not see the problem and does not want to fight it, then you need to leave. If the husband snapped once on his wife or periodically allows himself to do such things, and then he himself suffers from it, then it is necessary to understand the reasons for such behavior and work together on the relationship.
The causes of humiliation by her husband
The causes of male aggression in the relationship:
- Consequences of destructive family upbringing. Children under 6-7 years old have no critical thinking, and life experience, as you understand, they, in fact, do not have. So everything they see in their family, they take for the norm. If a child sees how the father humiliates the mother, then in the future he behaves in the same way with respect to women. However, it is possible to get out of this scenario. Someone in his youth, having been introduced to another model of interaction between a man and a woman, understands that the relationship between mom and dad is an example of how it should not be. Some already in adulthood consciously work through this problem and master new models of interaction. That is the most common problem, which is the repression of women and their parents. More often than not, it is a question of repressed aggression toward the mother. When can negative feelings toward the mother arise? For example, if she was cruel, cold and authoritarian. Or if the mother abandoned the child. The boy grows up and transfers this aggression to the entire female gender.
- Unfinished separation from the mother. The man, on the other hand, loves his mother too much and is attached to her. He is constantly comparing his wife with his mother. And this comparison is not in favor of the former.
- Traumas acquired in adulthood. For example, a painful separation with a girl. A man still remembers and loves her, comparing his wife with this one.
- The man’s complexes. A primitive way to “fix” their own self-esteem and self-esteem – self-assertion at the expense of a weaker person. People with an inferiority complex do not want to work on their own shortcomings, but they do not want to live with the feeling of their own inferiority either. Therefore, they devalue and humiliate other people. For example, the reason for humiliation of the wife by her husband could be the wounded ego of the spouse because the wife gets more and was able to build a career, and he did not.
- Activation of a substitution – a protective mechanism of the psyche. Also associated with complexes and dissatisfaction with his own life. And the essence is that the aggression directed at the other person, the husband transfers it onto the wife. For example, it may be aggression against his boss (because of fear of dismissal and general weakness of spirit man can not tell him what has accumulated).
- Protesting, crying out for help, defending personal boundaries and interests. If a wife systematically provokes and humiliates, suppresses her husband, and he does not know how to react adequately to it and cannot leave, he also resorts to aggression.
- Addictions. For example, if the attacks of aggression happen only when your spouse is intoxicated, then the problem is clearly alcoholism. But it is important to understand that alcoholism is a consequence and a symptom of something more complicated. What is the spouse withdrawing from in the world of alcohol, what is he trying to mask with it? What worries him when he is sober and bursts out when the man gets drunk?
- Mental disorders. It is extremely difficult to suspect this reason, so I recommend to stick to the principle of exclusion: if the other reasons do not fit your case, then consult a psychologist.
Pay attention! Sometimes a man insults and humiliates a woman because he wants to break up with her, but he is afraid to say so himself. Then he does the most horrible things (insults, humiliates, cheats) in order to be dumped. The reason is dislike for this woman combined with personal weakness, cowardice.
Not all women understand what should be attributed to humiliation and abuse. Some wives are tormented by the dilemma “Is it abnormal or was it just me? What if I’m winding myself up?”. Actually it’s simple: if some of the actions and words of her husband cause you discomfort, then you do not think – there is a problem. Anything that hurts your self-esteem, self-esteem, can be seen as a humiliation and insult. And it doesn’t matter if other people consider it an insult.
Examples of what constitutes humiliation and insult (possible symptoms):
- Comparisons to other women in a negative way;
- abstract comparisons (“What are you, stupid or something”);
- threats, mockery, direct insults;
- devaluation (“You’re always…”, “You can’t do anything normally”, etc.)
- constant criticism (“You can’t cook,” “You don’t clean the house well,” “You can’t bring up children”);
- suppression (“I forbid you to communicate with this Dasha”);
- ignoring questions, requests, suggestions;
- unwillingness to listen, and much more.
In general, if it seemed to you that you are not respected and insulted, then you do not think so. It remains to understand the reasons for your reaction and the reasons for this attitude towards you.
Is it possible to explain the humiliation
You can explain, but you should not justify. We have already analyzed the main reasons why the husband insults and humiliates his wife. Think about what could be the basis in your case. After that, you need to work together with your spouse on the cause, rather than accept it as the norm. For example, if you understand that it’s about childhood trauma, you can’t feel sorry for your spouse and put up with the humiliation, you need to work through the trauma.
If the husband snapped at his wife because of his anger towards the boss, again you can not pity the spouse and to sacrifice themselves, but you can understand, support and help to solve this problem: to develop a new strategy of behavior in the relationship with the boss, to designate personal boundaries, to increase the self-esteem of her husband, to change jobs, etc.
Important! You can not tolerate humiliation and insults from her husband. Or find a reason and solve the problem, or leave the relationship – the other is not given.
Actions for humiliation by her husband
In all relationships, from time to time there are contradictions and misunderstandings. Everyone can snap, especially in times of fatigue, illness or when the opponent does not hear him. For example, a husband may snap if he has asked several times for his wife to leave him alone for a while and let him finish his work in peace, and his spouse continues to impose with requests or help that she was not asked for. How do you properly respond to your husband’s insults and aggression in these situations?
Talking to the truth
It is extremely important to be able to talk to each other. This is the only way to maximize mutual understanding. So refuse to take hints and stop guessing. Instead, ask straight out what’s bothering your spouse, and say straight out that you can not be treated like that. Try to understand and hear each other, put yourself in your partner’s place, to see the situation through his eyes. If you can’t talk, then exchange letters.
If the man asks to be left alone, then do it. And if he doesn’t ask, but just shuts you out or is aggressive, then back off too. You can’t figure things out if one or both partners are in an unstable mental state. You have to wait for the emotions to subside and then talk. He’ll kill that poor shelf, but not today, but tomorrow. Today he is very tired at work, his social battery is dead, and his physical strength is rapidly approaching zero.
Learn to respond to insults beautifully, wittily, and with humor. For example, you can answer like this: “It’s strange, it seems that I have PMS, but all the symptoms you have. Or like this: “Well, yes, gained a little bit, so it’s because I do a lot and delicious cooking. Or like this: “talkative, but everywhere and always make our way, find common ground with any person.
What is an insult? In essence, it is a criticism. It is not always easy to determine whether it is constructive or destructive, but you should try to do it. Think about it, maybe there is some truth in what your spouse says, he just can not express it otherwise. For example, maybe you really have gained a dozen extra pounds and stopped looking after yourself? There is nothing wrong with that spouse wants to see by the same well-groomed and slender girl with glowing eyes, in which he once fell in love. Physical attraction is important in marriage no less than spiritual or intellectual closeness.
We are talking about a temporary or permanent separation. If you still can not calmly discuss everything with your spouse or do not understand what is happening in your relationship, can you do something and whether they are worth saving, you can resort to a temporary divorce, that is, to leave. Decide for yourself whether you will call in the meantime or not, will remain in the status of husband and wife or try to pretend that you do not know each other and get to know each other again. This will not only help you better understand each other, but also help you understand yourselves.
What not to do
What not to do during a quarrel with your spouse:
- respond with aggression to aggression (insults, physical force);
- Provoke (behave badly in order to justify the characteristics that are falling on you);
- Walk away or withdraw before they have dealt with the situation;
- Stay silent and be patient;
- discuss the problem with anyone, but not with your husband.
If there are children in the family, it is unacceptable to sort things out in front of them.
Advice from a psychologist
What to do if your husband constantly humiliates and insults you, picks on you, covers you with foul language:
- Share your feelings with your spouse. Make it clear that you feel humiliated. If you just tolerate or discuss your husband’s behavior with your girlfriends instead of with him, nothing is going to change in your family. Make it clear that this interaction is not the norm for you, that it hurts you. Explain that there is a problem. And if your spouse doesn’t see it and doesn’t want to deal with it, there’s no point in continuing the relationship. Important: Do not forget that the cause can be as personal problems partner, and your mistakes – do not jump with accusations, try to keep a neutral tone to the conversation.
- Determine the cause. To do this, observe the behavior of your spouse. You can do this together, keep a diary. Your task – to record all the situations in which the insults and humiliations, and then identify what they have in common. Write down everything: place, time, other participants, etc. Also, think about when it started. If your spouse has always been aggressive, childhood trauma is likely the cause. If he has recently become disrespectful to his wife, it may be due to exhaustion, problems at work, accumulated resentment in the marriage, etc. Keep a diary for 2-4 weeks, and then re-read the list of likely reasons why your husband humiliates his wife and think about what is relevant to your couple.
- Make a plan for correction. Read scientific literature and articles on your topic, consult psychological forums or a psychologist.
Remember that the man’s aggression can be related to his personal trauma and also to problems in your relationship. For example, it may be a response to a lack of emotional or physical intimacy in the relationship, to a lack of respect from his spouse or her lack of fulfillment, indifference to appearance or personal development. Some men insult their wives, thereby trying to stimulate positive change. Of course, in terms of psychology, this is an ineffective way, but perhaps the spouse is unfamiliar with others. In general, you need to talk to each other in detail and honestly.
Now you know how to respond to the insults of the husband within the framework of the advice of psychologists and what to do if it happened once or occurs on a regular basis. If you can’t determine the cause or cope with the problem on your own, then contact a family psychologist. He will help you understand everything, and if necessary, refer you to other specialists, such as a psychiatrist, an addiction specialist or a psychologist specializing in childhood trauma. The main thing is not to ignore the problem, not to tolerate humiliation, not to give up without a fight and not to try to change the man if he does not want to.
Top 10 reasons why the husband is rude, boorish and insulting
Tired of your husband’s rudeness, boorishness and horrible character? Don’t understand why he humiliates you? We present the top 10 reasons why her husband is rude, boorish and insulting. In addition to the reasons, let’s talk about how to behave in such circumstances.
What to do if your husband is rude and insulting – TOP-10 tips on how to behave
If my husband is a boor.
Let’s start with the most obvious reason – the husband is boorish, rude, aggressor by nature. He – acrimonious, loves to quarrel with all, and his wife does not consider a person. I would like to say that most of the reasons are due to this character.
But really, there aren’t many true, natural boorish people, and there’s probably no more than a 10% chance that you’ll meet one of them.
If you do, however, there are three ways to solve the problem:
- Leave your spouse. Say in your heart that you can no longer tolerate his rudeness, pack your bags and go to the alternate airfield.
- Try to re-educate him. Send him to personal training, to a psychologist. In every conversation, note when he starts to be rude.
- Accept your husband. Oddly enough, there is often a kind, defenseless person behind the nagging. Try to figure out his problems, help him solve them. If the rudeness more than pays for itself with other benefits, just close your eyes to him.
If your husband is a manipulator
Often, rudeness on the part of the spouse is a definite manipulation. The husband is rude to crush, to make you feel worthless.
This situation occurs if the wife earns more, her family is more prosperous.
A man can take it out on her and for childhood trauma, insults to parents.
What to do? First talk to him, explain that you can hardly tolerate this attitude. Talk to him about his problems. If it works, and you can find an understanding, fine. If not, you can think about breaking up or just continue to tolerate the rudeness.
If your husband has a problem.
The rudeness may be temporary. You met, lived for a while soul to soul, but then it’s like he went off the brakes, began to insult you.
Most likely, this is how he transfers his problems and resentments to you. He is humiliated by his boss, he humiliates you. He gets insulted on the way home by other motorists – he automatically collects bile and spits it out on you.
What to do if the guy is insolent?
In such a situation, you can recommend:
- Deeper communication and understanding of each other’s problems.
- Joint walks, sports, when you can just forget about everything and enjoy your time.
Husband repeating the model of his family
Take a closer look at your spouse’s family. If your father or mother is rude to each other, constantly arguing, it’s impossible to hear a kind word from them, then your husband’s behavior is understandable. He has adopted a particular model of relationship and does not know another.
In this case, meet with the families of your friends more often. Let him see that it is possible to communicate differently. As casually as possible, pay attention to this.
He has another.
Being rude is a great self-defense tool. As soon as a man has another woman, but still has a conscience and a good attitude towards you, there is a high probability that he will start to insult you.
Why? That’s the way to do it:
- To belittle you, to make you look for problems in yourself.
- Convince yourself that his new fling is better.
- Artificially create conflicts behind which you won’t immediately realize about the other woman’s arrival.
Usually you can see that your husband is infatuated with another woman. Changes in behavior, attitude towards you. Only you can decide whether to forgive the cheating or not.
He is no longer attracted to you.
Even if there is no other woman, your husband may just be disappointed in you. He is no longer attracted to your appearance, he is bored with you. All of this leads to a loss of respect, a desire to insult.
Fix this situation you can try to yourself:
- Work on your figure.
- Update your closet.
- Find an activity that ignites and attracts you.
But if you think that flirting with other men will help, you’re wrong. It can only make things worse by giving your husband even more reason to get angry.
You forgive everything.
Imagine that you are rolling a snowball. At first it was small, slowly getting bigger and finally turns into a huge lump. The resentment situation resembles this process.
A man, seeing that you accept, forgive the rudeness, gets used to it. He begins to be rude more and more often, to insult more and more. And you do not notice it, until one day you see a huge lump of humiliation coming at you.
The problem in this case is related to weak personal boundaries. Determine for yourself what you can and cannot forgive. If you are offended, say so directly. Do not let your husband humiliate you.
You provoke him.
Your husband’s rudeness may be a response to your attitude toward him.
Women are usually skilled manipulators. They find a sore point man and quietly put pressure on it. In the course of going skilful humiliation, including public displays of contempt. These methods are used, for example, in families where the husband is less successful.
Honestly and openly observe yourself. If your husband is really starting to freak out over your manipulations, forget about them. A sincere relationship is much more comfortable.
Few things in the world hurt as much as indifference. Your behavior shows a man that he is no longer interested in him, that he was nothing to you.
At this point, he awakens in a leader, a male, who must show a recalcitrant woman his strength. The course goes to insults, rudeness.
Advice – show your husband that he is still loved. If feelings have cooled down, try to rekindle them. Now there are all conditions for this – a trip to the Maldives, in Thailand, dinner in a restaurant, a hot air balloon flight.
Your whole life together is a mistake.
Finally, the most painful topic. You both realize that your marriage is a big mistake. The husband, realizing this, comes to the conclusion that he himself got caught in a trap, and begins to play off the disappointment through rudeness. You freak out, freak out, cry, look for someone to blame.
It’s worth finding the strength to stop torturing yourself. You can consciously accept the fact of the mistake, start the relationship from scratch, respect each other. And if it does not work – give your partner and yourself a chance for new love.
As you can see, there can be many reasons for a man’s rudeness. It can be due to the nasty character of the husband and his ill-manneredness. But more often than not, it’s not just him who is to blame, but the woman who walks with him through life.