Tyrant husbands: signs of despotic men in a relationship, how to recognize a domestic despot
Many people are sure that the candy and bouquet period is an indicator of future relationships. Unfortunately, this is far from being true. In this article, we will tell you how to be, if in a man began to show signs of a tyrant, what advice psychologists give when dealing with husbands and talk about the main symptoms of such behavior. Before we begin, it is worth saying that it is necessary to distinguish between a man of strict rules, whose actions are dictated by real care, and a despot. The first one will never overstep certain boundaries, will not engage in hand-to-hand abuse or humiliation. The second is just waiting for an excuse to show his superiority, intellectual or physical. Then you have to think, but is such a life is necessary, if it has no freedom, love, warmth? If you do not understand how to properly change a particular situation, help advice specialist School of non-numerology – the expert will take apart your basic aspects of personality and point to the point of growth, where you need to move.
Who is a male tyrant in a relationship?
First of all, this is not the hero of a terrible fairy tale, but a real person, moreover, living nearby. The most frustrating thing is that his destructive part is only seen by those at home. With colleagues, partners, friends, he can be nice, correct, considerate. But at home, everything changes. And this is not an illness or split personality, but his conscious choice.
That is why it is worth putting aside all the talk about what he needs to feel sorry for, cuddle and caress him, so he becomes the same. All of this is useless. You need to look at what is happening impartially and honestly admit to yourself what is happening. Now we will have to decide how to move on, together or apart.
Types of behavior of the tyrant husband
All that the man receives in the outside world, he tries to get in the family. In this case, he is not interested in what is given willingly: attention, affection, care. He needs to feel like he’s in charge. It is useless to tell him that he is hurting. He knows this very well and does it on purpose. Different kinds of despots have similar habits, but the reasons are different.
Business losers aspire to positions of leadership, but forever remain in second or third roles. They are not listened to, they are not appreciated as professionals, they are referred to the gray masses. And they want to command. So they play off at home, demanding blind obedience and signs of attention. The opinion of the other person is not taken into account, everything will be as the head of the family. Sometimes the situation reaches the point of absurdity, when the wife is dictated, for example, what shoes fit the dress.
The second category is the eternally offended from childhood. Signs of domestic tyranny in this case appear quite clearly. Complexes were most likely formed in preschool, school and teenage years. These can be resentments against parents, mentors, peers, the girl who rejected advances. As a result, a characteristic feature of behavior has become the desire for scandal. Everywhere and on any occasion. In such a situation, a representative of the stronger sex feels protected, and he does not pay any attention to the feelings of those around him.
What are the signs of a tyrant?
When you meet a new person, you want to go to him. But it is very difficult to understand his character and at first sight to understand his essence. It is necessary to know who the man-demon and learn to distinguish it among his acquaintances, not to fall under his spell, but he knows how to seduce virtuoso. Otherwise, he just can not get at the disposal of the next victim.
For this it is enough to observe the behavior of married couples, in which the husband has clearly appropriated to himself the right to punish and pardon. More often than not, he:
- Disadvantages the wife in public, ridiculously.
- Speaks unfavorably about relatives on the wife’s side.
- Limits her communication with friends and acquaintances, appropriating all the attention.
- Constantly picks on minor details.
- Criticizes the style of dress, makeup and mannerisms of the other half.
- Humiliates and insults the woman with obscene words.
- Intentionally causes guilt.
- Does not fulfill promises, but clearly monitors what was promised to him.
- Has one or more pathological addictions.
- Takes out anger on his wife, brings her to tears, assuring her that no one else but him does not need her.
- Solitary control of the family finances, not considering the needs of others.
- Demonstrates pathological jealousy.
- Is capable of physical violence.
- Suppresses the opinion of the spouse.
The woman is afraid to get “under a hot hand”, she neglects her plans and desires for the benefit of her husband.
How does a person become a tyrant?
A small number of people such qualities of character are inborn, but most gets them consciously. Examples for such behavior are childhood memories, relationships between parents. These are patriarchal families, living under the precepts of the house system, in which women have no rights or desires. Or violence was the order of the day, and it was imprinted in the child’s memory, deforming his ideas about normal relationships.
Emotional life in this version is rigidly constrained, and how else, the person simply does not know or does not want to be interested, because everything suits him. If protests arise, on the other hand, he acts extremely tough to return the flow of events to the usual rut.
How to recognize a tyrant boyfriend in the early stages
Behind the beautiful courtship it is difficult to notice the warning signs, but they are there. You can see the craving for power and the desire for total control. He won’t be able to refrain from criticizing an outfit or smiling too affably toward a stranger. Jealousy is also considered a hallmark of such a person and indicates a tendency to consider the other person as property.
The next signal that should alert is the comparison with the ideal, whether it is a mother or an ex-girlfriend. This is, firstly, unpleasant and beats on the ego, and secondly, is a sign that this man is a tyrant in the relationship – psychology confirms this fact with examples and statistics.
Another indication is a demand to legalize the relationship immediately, to move to another city or country. This is an attempt to take control over the other person and detach from the familiar environment. There will be no one to help the victim in the new place.
Also a striking sign are uncontrollable outbursts of aggression, no matter what the reason. But if he doesn’t think it is necessary to restrain himself, then it is a habit and not the most attractive one. Over time, she is sure to respond to those close to her.
Is it possible to help
The case is complicated and you need to think several times whether it is necessary to rush into battle, especially since there is little chance of winning. By the way, female fighters just very rarely get into this situation. Despotic man skillfully hides signs of his power until a certain moment, but he tries not to contact with active ladies in principle. He chooses a woman without ambition, calm, aimed at marriage, household chores and creation of family comfort.
At the beginning of the relationship he provides protection, demonstrates reliability, grants wishes, indulges women’s whims, looks like an ideal lover, but it’s not for long. The goal is to tie him down morally. And then begins to take over the true nature. Is it worth it to help him? It’s debatable.
A tyrant is a person who is completely sure that he is right in every situation. It is worth making him doubt, while acting calmly and reasonably. It is not a fact that it will work, but it is worth a try. The rest of the “advice”, such as “surround with love” or “submit, and there he will understand himself,” does not work. It is necessary to remember that you will not be able to make the aggressor white and fluffy. You can help him only if he wants it himself and is ready to listen to his spouse. This is a long and rather complicated process. The help of an experienced psychologist is desirable, and it is possible that family counseling will be needed.
Is it always a tyrant?
The behavior of such a man is cyclical, which is why women tolerate and do not leave. The pressure is not constantly present, but manifests itself periodically. So, first there is an increase in internal tension, the man becomes aloof and picky, he does not answer direct questions about the reasons for the change in behavior style.
The incident of violence itself, moral or physical, usually lasts about a day, with stomping of feet and breaking of objects. It looks like a final breakdown in the relationship, with the wife necessarily at fault. The outburst is followed by a phase of beautiful reconciliation, similar to the courtship period. But don’t be seduced, soon everything will happen again from the beginning.
What’s on a man’s mind
Tyranny in the family is, from the point of view of a representative of the stronger sex, a way to accustom a woman to the right behavior. If threats or pressure works, the man will resort to it again, achieving the results he wants. Many people who humiliate their loved ones are convinced that they are simply educating their “unhelpful” relatives.
What happens to a woman in a situation of violence
First of all – it is a shock. Then follows two options: rebellion or humility. In the first case, the woman must have the willpower and high self-esteem to break the relationship. In the second – will become a way of life. A patriarchal relationship is established, the wife’s entire environment is eradicated, moments of attention and gifts become a reward for “right” behavior.
Over time, mental disorders and depression develop, abnormalities in the work of various organs accumulate, and a victim complex appears. Weak in spirit individuals fall into alcohol or drug addiction.
How to live with a husband-oppressor
Making a decision on the preservation of the family, it is worth once again to think carefully about the motives of their behavior. It should be taken into account that in most cases, divorce will still follow. Initiator will be a woman when she wants a normal relationship, or a man after he got tired of his wife’s lack of self-sufficiency.
Advice from psychologists
Until the decision to be together or to separate is made, you need to get along somehow. Principles of behavior:
- Learn to abstract criticism.
- Work on improving your self-esteem
- Make a realistic assessment of the situation.
- Fight back.
- Keep emergency phone numbers of domestic violence services handy.
Is it possible to negotiate with the tyrant
In principle, there is a chance, but you need to observe a few conditions.
- Do not argue, defending your point of view, but simply make it known to your husband. You can not even change the wording, but just stand your ground, not afraid to look stupid.
- Demand the terms of a safe life in the form of an ultimatum, to specify the exact consequences of a breach of contract. One must follow them precisely, otherwise the statement will turn into a bluff and lose force.
- When a dangerous situation arises, leave immediately and for good, erasing the data from the phone, social networks, and about property issues negotiate through third parties.
For this purpose, it is necessary to prepare a plan of retreat in advance. If you can’t find common ground even in such conditions, then you shouldn’t waste your energy further. It is better to direct them towards the arrangement of their lives, but without humiliation and violence.
What you shouldn’t do.
In an attempt to help, or just to gloat, others will certainly start to give advice. Among the most harmful are:
- Completely submit, pushing aside their needs, desires, individuality.
- Have a baby.
- Not doing housework.
- Making fun of your husband’s habits and style of behavior.
- Provoke jealousy.
- Threaten to go to law enforcement.
A more subtle psychological approach is required, and with the final breakup and departure from the family – a safe place and complete isolation from contact with the former spouse.
How to get rid of tyranny in the family
The task is complex and multidimensional. Unfortunately, gone are the days when you could hit the road with a knot on your shoulder without fear of being chased. In this case, things are much worse. First of all, you need to make a decision to change your status, and it is difficult to do this, there are various fears of being able to cope independently with financial and domestic issues.
At the same time there is already a strong psychological attachment that needs to be overcome. A shaken confidence in one’s own abilities is also a hindrance. But if we approach the issue seriously and think through all the nuances, the mission is achievable.
First of all, you should remember who the tyrant husband of the house is and the signs of moral abuse in men, and to turn them in their favor. You need to break stereotypes of behavior. To do this:
- Self-love is awakened.
- Soundly evaluated the advantages of the former life and new prospects without a despot behind his back.
- Think in detail about your future plan: you need to work on creating a financial safety cushion, to look for housing options.
- Restore lost ties with relatives and friends, it is desirable to tell about the reason for the termination of communication and the current situation.
- You can ask a lawyer or a crisis center for legal assistance, they can also provide a place for temporary accommodation and protection from harassment of the ex.
- If there is a strong fear of harassment, you should move to another city.
To maintain morale, it is desirable to talk in person or online with women who have been in a similar situation. It is necessary to remember that any psychological action of violent nature refers to a crime, it is unacceptable at any level, carries a potential threat to physiological and psychological health.
Often a woman who is under moral pressure is ashamed and simply afraid to ask for help, so she is left alone with the trouble. There are specialized organizations that provide assistance in such situations, they work without publicizing the victim’s situation, so you can safely go there. In this case, the position should be principled, without hesitation and attempts to return, only then the specialists will be able to offer adequate options for solving the problem.
Knowing who is a man tyrant in the family, the signs of a despot in the relationship are recognized quickly enough. You should not immediately accept a seemingly luxurious offer to live together or move to another city. First need to look closely at the man, and if there are doubts, to use the help of experts in determining the characteristics – you get a diagnosis of the person on the possible vectors of events. By understanding what to pay attention to, you can quickly reveal the essence of the despot and not fall into his trap.
What to do if my husband is abusive?
Sometimes couples complain that the conversation degenerates into an argument, then escalates into a quarrel, and one party begins to humiliate and insult the other. Such an environment is capable of destroying any relationship. And in most cases, this behavior is inherent in men (although I have seen cases where the wife humiliates her husband, but this is more of an exception). Why does this happen and what to do about it? Let’s break it down.
If your partner insults you, you need to look for a reason. The fact that you are aware of the problem – this is already good. But it is not enough. You need to figure it out. And in no case do not try to “swallow” the offense. By keeping silent about the problem, you give a man the green light to the fact that he continued to humiliate you.
Why does a man insult a woman?
To understand the answer to this question, first think about whether it started a long time ago.
Sit down and think back, maybe your partner has always been intemperate? Could be rude to a passerby who accidentally hurt him, or rude to colleagues or superiors. But before such behavior affected only strangers, and now he relaxed and is not embarrassed to show his true face and to you.
This behavior is usually inherent in men who grew up in an environment of tyranny, such as in a family where the man, being sexist, did not respect his wife.
If, however, this behavior began conventionally recently, there may be several reasons:
A crisis in the relationship. Perhaps your relationship has degenerated into one where there is nothing left but the domestic stuff. Then the man can get out of itself any little thing, and in the depths of his heart he may say too much.
Life difficulties. If your man has a problem at work, an illness or a quarrel with his parents, it will be difficult for him to restrain himself, because somewhere to pour out their negative emotions. And you’re always there.
He’s cheating on you. Yes, it happens that her husband took the mistress, and he thumbed your nose at your own shortcomings. This is done in order to justify himself in his own eyes: “I am not a scoundrel, this wife I have a bad, so I had to make a good.
How to stop the constant insults?
Many people ask, “If a man insulted a woman as the right thing to do? The answer. Regardless of whether it started long ago or not, try to talk to the man. Only calmly. Don’t rebuke him and don’t respond in the same way. Humiliating your husband in return is not the answer. Try to challenge him to talk, begin, for example, with the phrase “I hate to hear you say that. Why do you say that?” There may be different answers.
“Don’t make it up!” If a man just waves you off, doesn’t want to keep the conversation going, then it could be a sign that your relationship is really in crisis. In this case, you will benefit from my course “How to bring romance and passion back into a relationship,” after which you will be able to build a harmonious relationship anew.
“Yes, I said so because. ” If the man is coming forward and trying to explain his behavior to you, you may not have given him the opportunity to share his problems and experiences yourself before. Think maybe something has changed in your behavior or attitude toward him?
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to.” This is the phrase all resentful women want to hear. After her there is usually a logical explanation for this behavior – problems at work, debts on loans or something similar. Rejoice – there is a caring, loving man, who is ready to admit his mistake.
What to do if he continues to insult?
If a man, despite all the conversations and your requests, still constantly snapping at you, then he:
Either he is used to you putting up with it, and no longer imagines another model of relationship with you;
Or he is a coward who wants to end the relationship with you, but cannot or is afraid to tell you directly;
Or he is just an abuser by his psychology who enjoys insulting and humiliating a woman.
In such cases, my advice is one. Run away from him! Run away without looking back or regretting anything. How to do this, I tell you in my course “Manipulators and their victims.
My darlings, you are worthy of respect!
A woman through the eyes of a man, or what does your self-esteem depend on?
A woman through the eyes of a man. A psychologist will tell why a woman should not look at herself through the prism of male views.
What to do if a man does not want a serious relationship, but does not let go?
Dog in the hay. What to do if a man does not want a serious relationship, but do not let go? How to change the situation will prompt psychologist Alexander Shakhov.
Is there life after adultery husband?
Is there life after an unfaithful husband? Psychologist Alexander Shakhov will share how to survive a difficult period, without falling into despair.
What to do if the man does not call?
Why a man does not call? Or how to free yourself from the thought “he does not need me. Psychologist Alexander Shakhov shares tips in his blog.
Let a man go and he will come back. But how to do it?
They say let a man go and he will come back if he was yours. But how do you do that when everything around you reminds you of past happiness. Ask a psychologist, he can help.