How to make her husband to respect his wife and be afraid to lose her: 5 practical tips from psychologists
Respect is a basic need of everyone. And of course, each of us strives to create a relationship in which this need will be satisfied. But one of the top requests, especially after the pandemic, which turned to a psychologist was: “How to return respect to the couple?” That’s what we talked to psychologists about.
A woman’s contribution to the loss of her husband’s respect for her
If someone demonstrates a disrespectful attitude to us, namely: rude, trespassing, behaving tactlessly, and maybe even humiliates – it may not be our fault.
Respect is inherent in normal human relationships. If we wonder where it is our fault that a person doesn’t respect us, we need to figure out where the “unhealthy wings” of that logic come from.
Maybe we’re not in a very “healthy” relationship right now. Or did someone once long ago instill in us that we have no value in ourselves? Respect in a relationship (mutual, naturally) should always be there. Period!
“We often understand ‘respect’ as ‘adulation’ or ‘reward,'” comments psychologist Leonid Kulik. – When we encounter any other person we are confronted with the Other. It is with a capital letter, as philosophers and psychologists like to write, emphasizing the absolute difference. Even if it is a very close person, and we have a lot in common, he is bound to have sides, actions, opinions alien to us. Sometimes radically. And in this he/she is the Other. In order to be in a relationship and to endure calmly this difference between us, we need respect for the other.
“How can I respect him/her! Let him/her earn my respect first!” – the message is fundamentally wrong. Respect is not about bowing down or rewarding merit. It’s about the principle of reality. Respect is about reckoning with fact.
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Just as the Other deserves our respect by the fact of its existence, so do we ourselves deserve respect. And if we don’t regularly encounter respect from someone – it seems to deny us the reality of our existence. And if we don’t treat someone with respect, we deny him the reality of his existence.
Of course, there are different situations in long-term relationships. Sometimes we behave terribly, we can say all sorts of things to each other that then become very embarrassing. Then we apologize, talk, make up. This is normal. It is important that we do not get used to being rude to each other, do not make this style of communication the main thing. If we don’t communicate with our husband in the style of, “Hey you, loser, come here!” – we have a good chance of succeeding in maintaining a respectful relationship. And once again, we can treat a person differently, we can even go on a spree with them. You can destroy the relationship, but continue to treat each other with respect.
If the reason is the husband
If a man does not respect us and actively demonstrates it – one conversation. If we think that her husband is not worthy of respect – another. Both situations, again, lead us into some not-so-healthy field in which a family psychologist can help us.
Manifestations of disrespect.
A family quarrel, even the most heated one, is not the same as showing disrespect. It is possible to yell, it is even possible to beat the dishes, but it is not necessary to cross the boundaries of a respectful relationship. You cannot stop seeing and accepting the other person with his or her otherness. But then what can be considered disrespectful and how can it manifest itself?
Attention! The following list should not be a guide to categorical self-diagnosis and a call to immediately break the relationship. This is just a reason to wonder if it’s not time to sort things out in the relationship and talk to each other.
10 possible signs of disrespect in a couple:
- Rudeness. Often this is simply a matter of not having a very good upbringing, which doesn’t negate the unpleasant consequences of the situation. If we are regularly being rude, responding in a snide manner, talking in high tones – we should discuss the place of respect in the couple.
- Lies. If we are often deceived, even in trifles, it is unlikely a sign of a cool respectful relationship. After such a difficult to rely on the partner, even in cooking soup (suddenly he put there something we do not like?), much less in the complexities of life together.
- Failure to keep promises. Also a very hurtful thing, which generates a lot of unpleasant feelings. What to expect next from such a person? What is really his attitude if the promise made to him is a flop.
- Trespassing. We all have our usual sense of personal boundaries. If we ask our partner not to call us tomorrow during an important meeting at 11 o’clock, and he calls about the little things – there is a big reason to think. If he reads the correspondence in our phone or takes personal things without asking – too.
- Ignoring. The partner does not listen or does not answer questions. There is a feeling that all the words are being wasted.
- Too little time together. The partner is constantly busy with “more important things” and does not respond to rare requests for a little more time to communicate.
- Neglect of feelings or a deliberate attempt to “hurt feelings. For example, we do not like some memory, and the partner constantly pokes his nose right into the sore spot. Or we say that we are offended by some behavior, and he brushes off and continues to do the same thing.
- Disrespectful to our family and friends. If your partner constantly demonstrates his negative feelings about the people important to us, ignores joint leisure time with them and does not want to make contact, maybe he does not treat us with too much respect?
- The impossibility of compromise. If you can never agree on anything, find an option that is comfortable for everyone. If a partner is “always right” and insists on his own, and all our arguments are rejected as nonsense – bad news.
- Depreciation. The partner devalues everything we do. Our work, the dinner we cook, our parenting “exploits,” and our opinion on the new season of our favorite TV show. We don’t seem to be good enough at everything. So maybe he should find someone better?
How to Make the Right Decision
No magazine article or psychologist can make a decision for us. A personal relationship is a private matter between two people. If we see or feel that things are not going smoothly, this is a reason to try to start working together.
You can go to a family psychologist, or you can try to work it out for yourself. After all, the other person may have a completely different picture of what is happening and his “black list” of our failures and gaps.
Don’t look for clues in pop-psychology articles with titles like “7 signs of a perverse narcissist. If we’ve already reached the right emotional conditioning, we’re bound to find these signs even in our own cat.
Have real doubts that our partner is treating us badly? We deal with it in the real world, with real experts. But remember: you still have to think and feel with “your head. Let’s start with a simple answer to the question: are we still more bad or good in this relationship?
How a woman to get back respect for herself
First, let’s understand why that respect can be lost.
“The main thing we are taught is to respect adults – says psychoanalyst Natalia Oblakevich. – Respect means to speak respectfully, to call adults “you”, not to raise your voice, to watch your words and tone … all this is clear and familiar to everyone, and at the same time there is nothing to understand …
Why should the younger ones respect the older ones? Isn’t it the other way around? Why can adults yell, accuse, and sometimes even physically punish … is this respectful? When a child is treated this way, it is as if he or she is making a decision: “When I grow up, I will make myself respectful,” or “When I grow up, I will build a respectful relationship with my partner.”
Unfortunately, more often than not, it does not work out that way. After all, in adulthood a person treats himself or herself and others the way he or she was treated in childhood… The words of significant adults become like an inner voice. A person, growing up, begins, through these inner critics, to disrespect himself, to dislike himself. He can only serve other adults. He continues all his life to earn respect… and love.
If a woman is used to disrespect since childhood, she does not respond to devaluation, boorishness, rudeness. This is how she lets a man know that it is okay to do this to her. Often women call this “women’s wisdom”: just do not notice an unflattering attitude. Or here is more “good” advice: “Be above it!”. This manipulation is occasionally used by those who are used to insulting with impunity.
Basic respect is the value of the person as such. It is the right to Be. I respect you is a kind of “advance”: I see you, recognize you as valuable and equal to myself, even before I’ve even met you.
When it makes sense to fight for a relationship
There can be no single right answer, every case is different. We can only say that it is not worth fighting for a relationship where there is physical and emotional abuse. All other options are the business of the couple. If both partners believe that the relationship should be fought for, you can only wish them the quickest victory and the fewest losses. And most importantly – let this struggle will be for a relationship, but do not turn into a struggle with each other or with yourself! And in order to make it easier to come to victory, you can take note of some useful “fighting techniques”, let’s list the main five.
Five practical tips from psychologists
How to learn to respect the other in a couple? How to keep the warmth and positive background of the relationship?
“As we have already said, respect for the other is based on respect for yourself,” answers Natalia Oblakevich. – It is important to maintain a sense of self-worth: “I respect myself, I treat myself as a value. I understand and accept myself. In this world I have the right to be!”. In relationships, we too often bring up obligations and rights, but rarely celebrate our own worth and the value of our partner as such.”
So where do we begin on this journey toward “admiring” each other’s worth and human beauty?
- Noticing the good and important in each other. Recognize that the other is good in himself. Telling him or her that he or she is important and needed in the relationship. Celebrate his successes not only in relation to family, but in other areas as well.
- Hold boundaries when necessary. Don’t be afraid to give feedback, defend yourself, say no, don’t let yourself be attacked.
- Develop a fulcrum within. Have a clear view of yourself not based on the words of others. “I know what I am. I know I’m a good mom/wife, a good professional. Someone may not agree with me, but that doesn’t stop me from thinking I am.”
- Be honest and express yourself freely. But to do it in a respectful manner, not interrupting, not shouting down your partner. To give him the opportunity to express himself, to challenge our point of view.
- Stop constantly reminding our partner of his/her failures and missteps. Manipulation of guilt is not the best helper of the relationship. Sometimes you can get a lot done that way, but it’s definitely not about respect and love.
“One of the reasons we lose respect is the inability to respect the other person’s territory,” says psychotherapist Elania Ray. We forget that even the near and dear person who is near now was once a stranger and a stranger, we do not perceive him as a separate person with his own shortcomings and virtues. We do not see the advantages and notice the disadvantages.
When two people have just met and fallen in love, it is not difficult to respect each other. Lovers try to become one, getting closer so as to open up to each other as much as possible. And over time, the boundaries between them become blurred. It seems that the other is an extension, and I can treat him as I would treat myself. And this means: controlling the other, demanding something from him. He now owes me something. And when the infatuation passes, the relationship comes to a new level, you begin to see other sides of the one you love. The person suddenly has flaws. Respect leaves the relationship. What you couldn’t even think of at the beginning of a relationship, at the moment of falling in love, turns out to be normal after a while. Two people allow themselves to relax and begin to behave as they want.
Allow your loved one to be different. Allow him to have all his opinions, his things, his money, his personal time, his space in the apartment, his habits. To respect is to respect and appreciate another’s and another’s.”
If a relationship is built on mutual value and mutual respect, neither partner will want to let them go. And then the question of how to make your husband afraid to lose his wife will never arise again. Love and respect each other.
How to get a man to respect and appreciate you
I don’t write beautiful lyrics to get paid. I get paid for writing beautiful texts.
Expert – Margarita Lopukhova
Family psychologist. For eight years I save “family units” from collapse. I help couples regain love and understanding.
The key to a happy family and fulfilled relationships is not only a sense of all-consuming love, but also mutual respect in the relationship. Very often, to keep these ardent feelings fail precisely because there is a lack of understanding of each other and respectful attitude. At the moment of awareness of this problem, the question arises: how to make a man to respect and appreciate? Is it possible in principle, and are there methods for solving this problem?
The reasons for the lack of respect from men
It makes no sense to talk about how to manifest disrespect for women. These facts are found today at every step and they can be expressed in many different ways. It should be understood that it is not only physical violence, but also psychological trauma, insults and lack of interest in the opinion of the woman. Some of the fair sex tolerate it, some do not. The outcome of such behavior on the part of men is unambiguous: the relationship will not last long.
However, before we talk about how to make a man to respect and appreciate themselves, it should be understood why this is so. In society, this behavior, men find many excuses, they say, a woman provoked it or bring it to the point, hysterics, lack of intimacy or changed appearance. However, it is worth knowing that for an adult, adequate and well-brought-up man, any display of disrespect for women is not normal. If your spouse or life partner is wrong about something, you can always talk and solve the situation peacefully, without insults, humiliation or the use of physical force.
Psychologists and sociologists, from their professional activities have identified several main reasons for the lack of respect for women by men:
- Peculiarities of upbringing or its complete absence – some religions and nationalities cultivate in men the understanding that a woman is a second-class creature, a servant in the house without the right of personal opinion or desires. Such an attitude towards the female sex is not generally accepted and is not considered normal.
- Psychological complexes – some men have psychological complexes related to their personality or peculiarities in the intimate sphere. These complexes, if not got rid of, lead to a lack of self-confidence and the development of a disrespectful attitude towards women. Showing a similar attitude towards the female sex, the man asserts himself and hides his own complexes deep inside him.
What are the ways you can make a man to respect and appreciate themselves
In a situation where self-esteem goes into the background, but you want to improve the relationship with a man who does not behave quite respectfully, women are offered several ways:
- Psychologists advise women who want to achieve a respectful attitude from their husbands to pay more attention to their appearance. For such a husband always need to look well-groomed, matching his dreams.
- Stop bringing up her husband and less meddling in his affairs.The mistake most women make is that they start to give advice to their men.Sometimes this train of thought should be abandoned and let her husband to commit these or other mistakes. It is worth refusing to criticize his actions, his train of thought and plans. Let him feel free to act and make decisions.
- Talk to the person he respects. Everyone in life has a person who immensely respected and to whose opinion you listen. Women who can not get men to respect in person, it is recommended to find such a person in the environment of his spouse and ask him. Such a person should briefly outline the situation, without too much detail and ask for his assistance. It is quite possible that the negative assessment of such an attitude towards his wife, from the person who enjoys undisputed authority with her husband, will influence his actions and words.
- Direct conversation with the man. Here, experts in the field of interpersonal relationships advise women to act very carefully. Avoid a dialogue with high tones and harsh criticism. You can pre-prepare the ground with the help of a romantic dinner or a relaxing bath and in the process start a conversation about what exactly the woman does not like in the behavior of the man. During this dialogue, harsh language, insults and negativity should be avoided. It should be a conversation about the problems in the relationship that exist today and how they can be solved.
Psychologists draw women’s attention to the fact that not all family situations can be solved by such loyal ways. If the spouse shows aggression, physical force and constant insults, you should discard illusions and break off such a relationship. After all, not all people can be changed, especially if they themselves do not want to change.