How to teach a child to respect his mother?
How can I teach my child to respect his parents? Nurturing obedience
Have you ever heard from parents such phrases addressed to the child? “How many times can I tell you, don’t you understand the first time”? “I told you: that was the last time I repeated it, I’ll tell you again, I won’t repeat it again”! “Well, do I really have to yell at you to get you to listen!? Can’t you even hear me?”
Speeches like that are not at all uncommon today. Maybe you are a parent yourself and have noticed such words for yourself. You require that he stopped rushing around the house, but the child seemed to not hear you, to object to your demands, but he just wants to run around the house, and he ignores your words. You say it’s time to turn off the computer until the math homework is done, but in response, either silence (and continued shooting at monsters), or an impatient “Get off!”, and after a reminder after 15 minutes, maybe even aggressive “Well, now, I said!
So, to take it all as a norm, and with a wave of his hands, to complain about the fate – not normal at all. Such behavior is now quite common, but it’s not the norm, it’s a sign that as a moral authority you are for the child a zero, and he complies with your requests only in two cases: 1. He likes and benefits from them himself. 2. He is afraid of the punishment you may give him (spanking, yelling, putting him in a corner).
Assuming that the second option is an effective educational method – it is erroneous, this is an extreme measure, which does not make you more authoritative in the eyes of the child. You simply used authority and physical superiority, but you did not become a real representative of “legitimate” authority in the eyes of your child. Your words are still nothing, and you should only listen to them when the opposite threatens punishment.
A healthy child-parent relationship looks different. A child reacts to the words of mom and dad always if they are addressed to him. If he doesn’t like something, he may object, of course, but he always obeys. Before voicing his complaints and objections, convincing you to let him play ball in the apartment, he first stops the game and puts the ball back. And when you call your child by name, the next moment you see his eyes.
To establish such a relationship, it’s better to start this educational process as early as possible. Thus it is necessary to take into account that the child is a person not yet formed, and do not be embarrassed that the process of accustoming to obedience at some stages resembles training so much.
Start with simple requests that the child will do with pleasure. Make a game out of obedience. “Sergey, catch the ball! Good boy! Show me where daddy is? Good boy!”. From a very young age, you need to cement in your child the logic of “obedience = pleasure, joy.” Once again, do not be afraid that the baby will turn into a trained animal, all this will “fall off” when he matures and his mind becomes stronger and more independent. For now, it is very important that he listens to you unconditionally.
Separately, teach your slightly older child to come to you at your first call. Again, this behavior should be reinforced by a positive stimulus. Sometimes it’s some tasty treat, sometimes just a mother’s kiss and caress, but the child should get used to coming to you with joy, then this behavior will be fixed at an older age.
Build up requirements gradually, but regularly. Only complication begets development. As your child grows up, you will constantly have to determine what things he is old enough to do, what he is ready for. Tie his own shoelaces, wipe his own nose with his own personal handkerchief, get to school without adults, make breakfast for himself and his parents, study independently, only coming in once a week with a report, diary and school news for the week. But don’t push too hard, if you see that the baby is not yet coping with your demands, reduce them. Slow development in this respect is much preferable to your child’s spoiled attitude towards obedience itself, which can happen if attempts to follow your requirements constantly turn out to be a failure.
Supervise the tasks you give them – always. In this case, you should not come every twenty minutes to his room and make sure that the child is studying, not hanging out on social networks, but the responsible young man himself does all the tasks and comes to you for control questions. Teach your child that every assignment given by mom and dad is worth letting them know afterwards that it’s done. And don’t forget the praise. If you do not adequately praise your child for his obedience, and your displeasure with the opposite behavior will not be worth anything.
You must also not let your child forget that he is not the most important person in the house. He should understand that parents may have much more important things to do than play with him. If the father is busy in his office, he can not be disturbed, if the mother is packing for a trip or filling out paperwork, she will not play with him, and will not respond to whining.
Well, last (by no means least), don’t devalue your own threats. Sometimes the child won’t listen anyway, and parenting will lose out to nature. Be sure in such a case, that your soft-heartedness will not spoil the child’s character. If you promised to deprive him of his computer for a week for abhorrent behavior, then adhere to his ultimatum will have to be in full rigor, although it is obvious that you will make up the next day.
Do not worry, you will not have to think when it is time to end with this policy of relationship with the child. In 12-13 years he himself will start to get out from under your wing, a battle of authority. But it will pass painlessly (relatively), if by that time the child will have learned to listen to you, and you will be a real authority for him (and not just a belt), then he can eventually become your friend, and not a ward and subordinate.
– We recommend to visit our section with interesting materials on similar subjects “Psychology of relationships
The information on this site is subject to consultation with the attending physician and does not replace a face-to-face consultation with him. See more in the user agreement.
Respect for Parents
We live in an era where respect for parents is not shown as often as we would like it to be. In this article, we’ll look at where disrespect comes from and what to do to ensure that children maintain a warm relationship with their mother and father as they grow up.
Why don’t children respect their parents?
Relationships in the family circle are built from the birth of children. They depend not only on character traits, but also on behavior, moods, emotions, and feelings. If the background is good, it is possible to build trusting and respectful relationships. In this case, each member of the family has his own place. He understands the boundaries of others, provides help when it is needed.
Families where there is no respect for elders look different. Complete chaos often reigns in them. Constant conflicts in escalated tones are common. There is no understanding or closeness between adults and children. Children tend to distance themselves from their parents because they find being together uncomfortable and boring.
However, without adults, children do not form a clear-cut position in life. They don’t have an authority whom they can trust and with whom they would like to share their innermost feelings. Often the problem lies in the parents’ neglect of their children. The husband comes home from work, he is tired, his wife is busy in the kitchen, then she has laundry, cleaning, checking homework, washing dishes. The man shifts the problems of parenting to the woman, she shifts them back.
The situation is even worse in dysfunctional families. In most cases, their moral principles have been erased. The parents are addicted to alcohol, and the children are left to their own devices. They constantly see parents fighting over alcohol, it becomes a norm of behavior. However, there are also those children who are ashamed of such mother and father. They feel sadness, resentment, disappointment, stop treating their parents well, and form their own attitude toward life. For a while they try to reach out to those they still care about. But parental blindness and misplaced priorities muffle that knock. In the end, trust and respect are shattered.
There are several major factors that lead to disrespect for elders. One is the dry rules set in the family. If there is no room for love, there is no necessary emotional connection. Simple rules of behavior don’t produce the right feelings. As a result, a child from a young age begins to form a lack of respect for his or her parents. Another reason is a lack of consistency.
It happens that parents themselves violate the established norms of behavior. Somewhere they are not able to come to a consensus in addressing any issue. The child does not understand how to behave, and parental authority for the little man is undermined.
One of the prerequisites for disrespect are frequent bans. If, as a child, any impulses were met with a rigid “no”, growing up, the person himself or herself will not hear anyone. He will cease to be interested in the opinion of other housemates, because at one time his opinion was not given importance, it was unnecessary. Undermine respectful relations angry remarks. Many adults in the upbringing of children allow themselves to snap, shout, stain communication with negative emotions. Because of the inability to control their anger, they transfer this model of behavior to the baby. And instead of something good, he begins, like a sponge, to absorb the bad.
Frequent causes that form bad relationships are exaggerated demands and preconceived notions. A child is not forgiven for mistakes made, he is not given a chance for an elementary explanation. Where there is no close relationship, there will never be respect. Another mistake is to compare the baby to other children. As a result, the child hears that some Vasya or Peter is better than he is. In the beginning, he may strive to imitate this person, but later he realized that no one needs this. Parents are not interested in him or her, they are only interested in his or her grades or other features of another child.
The situation can be aggravated by the lack of the right to vote. If a child cannot express his or her opinion, he or she thinks he or she is unnecessary. Over time, he or she also begins to ignore others and stops listening to his or her father and mother. If they weren’t interested in his needs and desires at the time, he does the same. Is it any wonder that there is no respect in such a family. Parental hypocrisy is also worth considering. Often in the course of their upbringing they forbid their child what they do themselves. Neglect of the rules adds to the piggy bank of reasons why children lose all respect for their parents.
In addition, some parents themselves sin by disrespecting their father and mother. Quarrels between them – a clear example of the education of disrespectful attitude toward loved ones.
What is the danger of disrespect?
Disrespect is not an innate human trait. It takes a long time to form and gradually. As it develops, it devalues relationships with elders and makes them seem dismissive. Parents see the primary tasks as feeding, shoeing, clothing, healing, and creating comfortable sleeping and resting conditions. In doing so, they forget about love. Disrespect is fraught with the fact that a person ceases to experience beautiful feelings as they really are. He stops listening to his own feelings from childhood, so he won’t be interested in other people’s feelings either. He accepts as a fact that nothing depends on his wishes. Further behavior is either rebellion or humility.
The second model of behavior is considered the worst. Constant reproaches, yelling, ignoring the child’s opinion prevents the formation of personality and manifestation of responsibility. As a result, boys and girls grow up infantile. If they were not given the opportunity to make decisions, it becomes a habit. Mother and father, loaded with work, begin to demand an expression of gratitude. Psychologically speaking, if there are problems in the family, it is the parents, not the children, who are to blame. Disrespect mirrors parental attitudes toward children. It blunts all the good in a person, interferes with his life, creates difficulties in communication, and sometimes impedes socialization.
Often it is associated with gaining independence . On the contrary, teenagers start to demand help, doing nothing in return. A consumerist position emerges. What is given easily in life, is devalued and loses importance. The son or daughter, for whom all problems are constantly being solved, forgets about the elementary “thank you”. There is no gratitude, no responsibility. Total parental control can lead to generational conflict.
A simple request can be perceived as an invasion of privacy, a violation of boundaries. The older the child, the more hostile attitude to hints, advice. He should not live by the invented rules of his relatives. They are not necessarily correct and do not always need unquestioning execution.
Along with vanity, overprotection can ruin children’s lives. From a child’s age, disrespect for their father or mother can manifest itself in different patterns of behavior. For example, it can be refusal to do housework, deliberate dirtying of things, stealing money. In adolescence, a variety of rebellion is possible. Some teenagers invite friends over, throw parties in the absence of adults. Others openly swear in front of their elders, adding abusive language to their speech. They may use their mother’s cosmetics or clothes without asking.
Others extort money to satisfy their own needs. Often adolescents are idle and indulge in apathy. Some stop taking care of their pets, and some start to unceremoniously interfere in the personal life of their father and mother. The rudeness is accompanied by shouting, addressing in high tones and irritation. Some teenagers drive their parents to tears. And all in order to be noticed . As they get older, this becomes a habit. Neglect becomes the norm, it is expressed by irritation and disgust.
Parents may seem nasty to the child. All they can get as a child’s attention is a frown, unkindness and scowl.
Later the child will boss around both mom and dad. And he will not care that his parents may be sick and infirm. In the understanding of the son or daughter, they will be required to do everything to keep the child in a zone of comfort. Sometimes behavior reaches the point of absurdity: do not like the food, it is not so salted, not cleaned shoes of children, not put in place his socks. Disrespect is dangerous to the appearance of laziness. The child ceases to help with household chores, he can talk long hours on the phone, on social networks, chatting nicely with friends. But parents get inattention, interrupted conversations, arguments, rude objections. Parental status is belittled.
There is a rejection of the opinions of their elders. Someone will even do the opposite, just to disagree with someone else’s opinion. All of this is a reaction that began to form in childhood. Children become inconsiderate and can cause problems in the presence of parents. Without any shame or embarrassment they quarrel in front of them with their sisters, brothers, other relatives and even guests. Mature children even censure their relatives in public and emphasize their shortcomings. But they do not realize that by doing this they also humiliate themselves. They are defaming their reputations and burdening their loved ones. This alienates family members from one another. Often, because of the lack of respect, elderly parents live out their lives in misery.
Some even stoop to physical abuse. Others simply get rid of those who raised them by sending their relatives to a nursing home. The most severe form of manifestation is aggression, which sometimes reaches the level of murder. The desire for the speedy death of the mother or father in order to inherit can push ignorant children into crime.
How do you teach a child to be respectful?
Before making any demands on the child, parents need to start with themselves. The child should be treated as an equal member of the family. To make him feel needed, it is necessary to ask his opinion, starting with the simplest questions: Does he like his mother’s dress, what he prefers to choose for art class, what ice cream he prefers to taste.
You need to understand that authority and respect should be on the same scale. Parents’ authority will be formed by their relationships, norms of behavior with relatives, loved ones, others, and especially in the family circle. Seeing all of this, the child at 3-5 years of age will already have a strengthened understanding of the correct model of behavior. Conflicts should be kept to a minimum if possible. They should not be in front of children. If they do occur, it is necessary to explain things calmly, reasoning without raising your voice and without turning to yelling. It is necessary to instill in the child a similar pattern, so that in the future he will not stoop to scandals and abusive attitudes.
Nurture respect from birth. By his own example, by his own life, so that children know mommy and daddy’s love, learn to love their relatives and appreciate them. A parent’s word can be an irrefutable rule, if it is rational and does not humiliate the child. If he was promised to buy a toy, then it must be done. Promises must be kept. You can not show anger, punish and humiliate the child in public at any age. This will not make him obey better, but he will hold a grudge. His thoughts will be strengthened with the understanding that mom or dad doesn’t love him, because you don’t do that to your loved ones. Moreover, it is impossible to humiliate the teenager in public, it is better to solve everything at home.
The punishment for disobedience should not be humiliating. You can take away the phone, deprive your child of computer games, temporarily disconnect the Internet. You can not punish with food in any case. To achieve children’s respect, you need to respect the child yourself, to show it in your actions and deeds. It is important that the family was not categorical differences of opinion. Decisions need to be made together. Some of them can and should be discussed with your son or daughter. As a child, this could be a question about choosing shoes, a dress, a suit, a school uniform, or notebooks. If there is no unanimity in the opinion, the baby brings up an inconsistent attitude.
If a child asks for advice, you should definitely help. By his own example and in specific situations, you need to explain how to behave, and what to do according to the norms of etiquette. The daughter or son should know that other adults need to be addressed as “you”, they need to open doors, they need respectful treatment and manners. It is important to learn how to behave properly at the table and in guests, observing the norms of decorum. In addition, when forming a strong and strong-willed personality, you need to be an example to your children in everything. It is important to educate them to care and be considerate to those in need.
The words “thank you” and “please” should not be an empty sound. By absorbing the behavior of their parents, children will naturally acquire a respectful attitude toward loved ones and other people.
If the situation demands it, it is necessary to apologize in time. It is not necessary to prove your rightness, where it does not exist. It is important to constantly work on themselves, to develop, to make great efforts in order for children to grow up to be worthy members of society. At the same time we can not forget about education to work. Children should have their own duties at home. This does not necessarily have to be hard work. Daughter can be trusted to water the flowers, my son – to take out the trash, to clean his belongings, wipe the dust, wash the dishes. Teenagers can already cook meals, completely clean the house. It is necessary to encourage children for their initiative. This encourages them to take on more work, taking care of their relatives.
It is necessary to draw boundaries in behavior . Rudeness, negative language and shouting should not be tolerated at any age. Children should understand the boundary between what is allowed and what is not. With age, the younger generation will learn to subconsciously determine the distance. They will have no desire to interrupt their elders, to yell at them. To raise a decent person, parents themselves need to know the measure, not overzealous in their educational methods.
Proper parenting does not withstand extremes. Strictness must not border on humiliation and permanent bans. No mistakes should be made that will turn upbringing into a multi-year punishment.