How to get over the separation with her husband: 10 tips that work
Separation from your husband is always a painful process. However, it is often the only true ending to a failed marriage that only brings sadness to both partners. But if you’ve made the decision to divorce suddenly, it’s important to understand: is this definitely the end or just a temporary whim to cut everything “off the shoulder.”
Today we’re going to talk about how to survive a breakup with your husband, recover and find yourself in a new life, and discuss what you should never do during conflicts and breakups.
Breaking up with your husband – an end or a new beginning
Thoughts of divorce from a spouse visit a woman even in a successful marriage. In general, most often about this thought occurred during or after a scandal and discord, after a reconciliation of the idea of separation and do not remember. But there are also situations when separation seems to be the only right decision on the way to liberation.
A formal separation is a serious, responsible decision that requires a certain approach, because the consequences can be irreversible. When should spouses resort to the dissolution of the marriage and start life with a clean slate, and when should they try to save the relationship?
Even if your feelings are sincere, it is not worth holding on to a man if you find the following in your marriage:
Various addictions (alcohol, drugs). As a rule, girls do not know about this before marriage, because men carefully hide these moments of biography or “hold on” until marriage.
Cheating. If you got a polygamous partner, here it’s a matter of internal acceptance or non-acceptance of constant cheating. Assess whether you are willing to turn a blind eye to it for life?
Violent actions, threats, beatings. There is a type of aggressive men who are unable to contain their negative energy. They beat and humiliate their women in every way. For them, this behavior is the norm.
Indifferent attitude towards the material side of family relationships, when a man is not interested in the financial well-being of his family. He can not, and even does not want to take responsibility for this side of life.
A disrespectful relationship between the spouses. Marriage works well when at least one of the spouses is deeply enough in love, and mutual respect reigns in the couple. When there is none of these indicators, divorce is inevitable.
Humiliation, harassment, psychological pressure. This way a man can assert himself in life, his wife is the last person for him – the servant, the servant. It is psychologically difficult to be in such a relationship for a long time, it is fraught with mental disorder.
Violent actions against children, humiliation.
It happens that people go for drastic measures in the form of divorce out of stupidity, in a fit of anger or resentment. Typically, this happens in the early stages, when household difficulties overcome, children are born. This is a period of time that is quite difficult to get over, because there is a growing tension in the couple, all the talk is just about domestic problems, the passion goes away. Spouses compare themselves to buddies, who have everything much more harmonious and interesting than in their marriage. It may not be true, but from the outside a lot of things seem perfect. Stop looking for excuses and reasons for your breakups! This is your life, and only you are responsible for it, stop comparing and comparing with your friends and neighbors.
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In this case, women find the following motives for breaking up with their husbands:
Life will be much more fun and easier after the divorce;
Find a new gentleman – more successful, wealthy and generous;
In the case of divorce, the children will not suffer.
What woman does not dream of meeting her prince and marrying him? However, in practice, the chance of falling into a fairy tale is negligible. Analyze your relationship with a calm head, weigh all the pros and cons, identify the moments that your union likes and not so much. Before you put her husband before the fact desired divorce, try to be away from him for at least a few days (for example, visit your parents, go to a sanatorium for a week), this will once again assess the need for separation and draw conclusions. In case you were overwhelmed by a wave of positive, a sense of freedom, you felt a burst of energy – the desire to leave her husband is justified. Especially if the thought of returning home terrifies you.
If you miss the house, turning over your memories of happy moments, then do not hurry with the divorce is not necessary, there is a chance not only to save the marriage, but also to make it stronger.
Breaking up with your husband by all the rules
Stop, think thoroughly. Only violence, aggression, threat to the life, health of you and your children can serve as a reason for you to escape from the marriage without looking back.
In all other cases you should not rush:
Resolve the housing issue. Consider a fallback route. The first burning issue is housing. Often women live with tyrants for years just because they have nowhere to retreat. In fact, options can always be found.
Create a financial safety net. Cash reserve is never superfluous, especially in the early stages after a divorce (paying for children’s sections, rent, buying groceries, etc.)
Consult with lawyers about the exchange of housing, division of jointly acquired property, business. Determine the points that can make you uncomfortable in this situation.
Do not be dramatic. It’s not so scary, the new world outside of marriage is not so dangerous, you may have new horizons.
Talk to your spouse’s family, discuss the reasons for your divorce, justify the situation as you see it. It’s not a bad idea to try to maintain a warm relationship with them.
Another difficulty in a relationship can be a strong love and inability to be together when you literally can’t stand each other. How do you leave a spouse for whom you have such vivid emotions and passion? Often women take for love a simple attachment, a sense of duty. Partners feed off these emotions.
If you are dreading the possibility of divorce, but also cohabitation is not adding up at all, then:
Consider your long-term interests. Passion sooner or later passes, what remains is habit, mutual respect, and caring. Approach the issue of your union from this point of view.
Expand, go to a concert or exhibition, change your social circle, add freshness and novelty to your life. It happens that he lack of emotions, a woman can be mistaken for love absolutely any feelings for a man. Remember, your spouse is not the only source of positive emotions!
Visit a psychologist (psychotherapist). He will unwind the balls of your doubts, will help organize feelings, thoughts, true emotions.
Openly talk to your husband about your relationship and feelings, do not keep silent about the problems. The options for the outcome of the conversation can be two. The first – you finally get into a quarrel and take the decision to divorce; the second – your husband will hear you, will agree to compromise in the solution of brewing problems and the collapse of the union will be avoided.
If you decide to leave, do it nicely. Do not throw tantrums with tears or dust to the ceiling. Leave effectively, with a cold heart and a sober mind. Don’t be sorry!
Without tantrums discuss with your spouse business and household aspects of the separation: the division of property, communication with the children, taking care of them. Record on paper all the agreements: the more details the better.
Choose the ideal moment to tell your spouse about the separation. Do not say the news during the next conflict, even if you notice a provocation from the man. It is important to discuss all the nuances, and for this raging emotions do not need. Wait for a moment when you both will be calm and capable of a constructive conversation.
Try to keep friendly relations. You’re close, almost family people, together for more than a year. Keep calm, because there is a type of people whom hostile attitude provokes anger, quarrels, intrigue weaving. Take care of your honest name.
You are a grown woman, not a little child who requires total care and patronage. Single ladies after divorce also build new relationships, fall in love, get married. Children and your past don’t get in the way of that at all.
You shouldn’t hold on to your aggressive and inadequate tyrant husband because he is the father of your children. Do they really need such a father? We are talking about danger to all of you, sometimes even life-threatening. Children see and understand everything, even bullying will not go unnoticed. Why put your lives in danger and live in constant stress?
When kids are young enough, you can do without the details, it’s enough to talk about a temporary move from daddy. As they get older, you will find more appropriate arguments for your separation.
When a divorce situation catches the children as adults, you don’t always need strong arguments – the children understand perfectly well for themselves, they are much better off without a bad father.
Don’t put the alimony issue on the back burner – start the application at the same time as the divorce process. It is your spouse’s direct responsibility to provide financial support for your children. In addition, and you are entitled to financial support, if you are on maternity leave. Rarely does a member of the stronger sex go to alimony payments voluntarily and on time, even if he vows to remember to help his children during the divorce and asks to avoid litigation on this topic.
10 tips on how to survive a separation from your husband
Any separation (whether from a man you love or a legal spouse) is a difficult situation, a pain. Make sure that such a difficult condition does not worsen over time and do not drag you into depression. Some women such conditions do not let go for years. Remember, from the nerves and stressful states not far and to physical illness. For some divorce and, as a consequence, depression, are the beginning of a bad streak in life. Think about your children, try to avoid the state of depression and the destruction of themselves as individuals. It will all affect them.
It is for this reason that many women after a divorce seek as soon as possible to forget her ex-husband and rush headlong into a new life. It is not always easy, but this painful period is necessary to survive for the sake of himself, his children and a bright future. In the case that you understand that you can not cope with the situation alone – see a qualified specialist (psychologist or psychotherapist).
People are rather thoughtless about negative emotions and their consequences. But it is precisely negative emotions and states that leave a mark in our lives. When it comes to strong negative experiences that were the result of a violent relationship or betrayal, there is a huge chance of plunging into a depressive state.
During communication, at home, spouses exchange their energy. When this happens for a long enough time (for example, you lived in harmony and happiness for five, ten or more years), you get used to a constant feeding of your partner’s energy. With his disappearance you may experience a kind of “hunger” that does not give you peace, does not leave you.
So how do you get out of this difficult situation? You need to restore the energy balance, to let go of your spouse, no matter how hard the separation was. Alas, this must be done, otherwise you will not be able to forget him.
Women who have gone through a divorce are different. Circumstances force them to change. Often you have to leave your comfort zone, step into the unknown through the pain and disappointment.
The situation is different: some easier to go through a separation, some more difficult. The important thing is to understand that this is the only true way out of the situation. Do not hold on to a marriage in which there is no harmony and happiness.
Despite the love for your spouse, step towards a new life without him. Requires a radical restructuring, starting with your thoughts. Circumstances will change, the circle of communication will change. Yes, this is not an easy period, and sometimes you can not do without the help of a psychologist who will choose for you the best recovery program.
You need to act gradually – start with items that remind you of your ex-spouse (photos, gifts, personal items). With constant eye contact with them you will feel pain, and then up to a nervous breakdown is not far away. Do not destroy them physically now, because later you may regret it. Passion sooner or later subside. In a calmer state, conduct a cleaning of things from the past. And now put them in a box and hide them away from your eyes.
Women are troubled by the fact that it is not always possible to quickly and painlessly get rid of a former spouse. Do not panic! Take a few simple tips to help you through these difficult times:
1. Do not sit at home, even if you do not want to see the whole world and the people around you. Socialize with girlfriends, go to visit family and friends, don’t neglect communication with your colleagues. Even a walk in the park alone will do you good.
2 Look for the positive in everything. Immerse yourself in positive memories, retrieve the best moments in your mind, catch the feeling of happiness.
3. Go to the theater, go to the movies, read books, go to a concert of your favorite artist – positive emotions are guaranteed.
4. Do you have a hobby? It’s time to pursue them or find a new hobby to your liking.
5. Pamper yourself, give gifts and nice moments. A woman can be encouraged by a change of image – a new haircut, manicure, shopping. And what a relaxation awaits you after your favorite spa treatments and massages!
6. Believe in the fact that fate has a gift for you, that’s why the circumstances were so. Can’t see the dramatic change? Don’t be sad! Live life to the fullest, wait for a miracle, and it’s sure to happen. Thoughts and actions are connected, the emotional background will even out.
7. It’s not just the soul that suffers during a separation. Our emotions are reflected in our appearance. Look at divorce from a different angle – it’s a chance to take care of yourself. There is an opportunity not to spend evenings cooking dinner for her husband, and go to a fitness club, sign up for yoga, and maybe the pool? Even a jog in the park will do you good.
Sports are great for getting rid of accumulated negative energy. And a nice side effect will be a trim figure and a healthy body! This is not the end of life, perhaps this is just its next page, no less interesting and promising. A beautiful and strong body will definitely come in handy.
8. It is not easy enough to change your way of thinking. Women agonize: how to move on after betrayal and humiliation? Your spouse did an ugly thing to you, he is a scoundrel! And it is now his grief. You need to get as much out of this situation as possible. For example:
An acquired sense of freedom.
A valuable experience (e.g., a battle with government agencies to try to process child support).
No worries that your spouse will not approve or accept certain things you are up to. Use your own discretion!
9. Do you believe in horoscopes, mantras and stuff? Find on the Internet mantra that helps you forget your ex-husband. Listen to it several times a day until you feel better.
10. Consult a psychologist who has extensive experience in dealing with these kinds of problems. He knows a lot of techniques that will help you to rise from the ashes and walk out of the situation with your head held high.
Did not like any of the proposed options? You can use these simple therapeutic techniques that can restore your equilibrium in the period of separation with her husband:
Give out the negative: tear papers, beat a pillow, screaming from the heart!
Write a letter to your ex-spouse, where you describe in detail all the resentment about the separation (but do not send it to the addressee!).
Put yourself in your spouse’s shoes, try to look through the eyes of your ex-husband and analyze the situation. Stop blaming him.
Another unusual tip: it is not the only difficult situation in your life? Think of the worst of them! You managed to survive it all, so why are you so afraid to cope? A positive attitude will help to overcome all the difficulties, take a step towards a new life!
How to get through a divorce? Tips from a psychologist
If the work on the relationship has lost its meaning and divorce seems the best solution, it is important to survive it with minimal losses, without getting stuck in despair and depression. How to do this? Dealing with a therapist
During a coronavirus pandemic, amid general instability and the need to spend a lot of time together, a couple may decide to divorce. We figure out how to help yourself in this case.
Svetlana Makhova, family therapist, specialist of the service for the selection of psychologists Alter
Divorce is inevitably associated with difficult experiences – it is always pain, disappointment, collapse of hopes, loss of a sense of stability and security, as for the one who initiated it, and for those who will have to go this way not of their own free will. There is no way to completely avoid difficult emotions. Either way, it will take enough time for the wounds of mutual resentment to heal.
What you need to understand about divorce first
Husband and wife have been married for some time-a year, five years, ten, twenty. Over the years of life together, each has invested effort, material goods, and time in the marriage. The husband and wife develop their own traditions and common habits: eating breakfast together, going to the country house on weekends in the summer or vacationing by the sea, celebrating New Year at their parents’ house, meeting with mutual friends, and so on.
Habits create a sense of stability and predictability in our lives, provide us with support and confidence in the future. What has become a habit gives us the opportunity to plan our lives-a little glimpse into the future. Standing on the threshold of life together, people made a promise to be together for better or for worse until death separates them. At that moment, it seemed like forever and nothing else. Neither of them thought that one day the bonds of marriage would be broken and they would meet with the collapse of their hopes, their expectations for each other, their plans for life.
The news of divorce is almost always unexpected. Even if the relationship between the spouses have long moved into the category of “lived-there were two neighbors. Even if one of them knew about the cheating of the other, but kept quiet in the hope that things will work out. Even if the spouses often fought, slammed the door and promised to divorce, and then a couple of days later made up again, or pretended that nothing happened.
Divorce is a loss. It is not only the loss of a significant person, but the loss of much of what has become familiar, and in some ways, dear and even irreplaceable. One day, everything that had created inner stability and nurtured hope for tomorrow was unavailable. That most anticipated tomorrow ceased to exist, as if the future had been taken away from you. “How am I going to get on with my life?” – This is the question most often faced by a partner who has been placed before the fact of divorce. The spouse who initiated the breakup comes to this question a little earlier. But the collapse of the future catches up with both.
Divorce is traumatic. For some, it results in a loss of the ability to enter into a new relationship because the trust in the marriage itself has been undermined. In a divorce, one goes through the same psychological stages as in any bereavement: grief, denial, anger, bargaining or negotiation, depression, acceptance or adaptation – and both partners go through them: both the initiator and the other party.
The initiator of the divorce usually goes through the first stage before the divorce is even talked about. His or her spouse enters the first stage at the moment the decision to divorce is announced. It is because the partners are often at different stages of the loss that it can be so difficult for them to understand and hear each other and to agree on anything during the divorce process. This is important to understand and take into account.
There is no difference between how men and women experience loss. There are very emotional men and very reserved women. Both may try to drown out their grief with alcohol, frequent sexual intercourse, their behavior may be aggressive or seem inadequate during this period.
Stages of living through a divorce
Spouses at this stage often try to pretend that nothing is going on and continue to communicate as before. At this stage, it is important not to avoid your worries. They help us to make a sober assessment of what is going on. If there is a person in your environment whom you trust (a friend, parents), talk to him, tell him about what has happened. In a supportive environment, give vent to your feelings, tears.
At the stage of denial, questions naturally arise: “How could this happen to me?”, “Will I be able to find someone who will love me?”, “Maybe it will still work out? Maybe he/she will come back and change his/her mind?”
The person is in shock, he loses his footing, does not understand what to do and how to live further. He/she is tormented by pain and fear of separation, loneliness, and uncertainty about any future relationships.
Time passes, nothing changes, the spouse does not leave the intention to divorce. Sadness and despair turn to resentment and bitterness: “Why? What did I do wrong? Why did it happen this way?” Hatred for the initiator of the breakup rises: “You left me!” The question “Why?” comes up for everyone – it’s important at this point not to get into a search for an answer. There is no answer. A myriad of factors led to what happened. There is no one to blame for what happened, but everyone’s contribution, often unknowingly.
At this stage there is a desire to win back the spouse by any means, to restore the relationship. The wife may fall in love again with the husband who initiated the divorce, suddenly seeing in his behavior a real manly act and ability to make decisions. The husband may be doting to recall his wife’s hobbies that annoyed him in the marriage, and may even be willing to support them, just to have her return.
The estranged partner decides to change dramatically, such as losing weight or giving up drinking. During this period, the man is ready to negotiate with even God, even with the devil, to appeal to a psychic, fortune teller, astrologer – if only to get advice on how to return his spouse. However, before you go to a fortune teller, answer the question – are you so good? What makes you think that when you return spouse will be a different person?
“What if I still love him?” – you ask. Think about it, is it possible to force someone to love you just because you love them? Rather, this idea comes from a child-parent relationship: “Mom loves you, and you. ” Does the idea that if someone loves you, you have to love them a priori? The world is not a fair place, and it is painful to realize that your lover or beloved does not have reciprocal feelings for you. But the fact remains that we can’t keep someone around against their will.
4. Depression .
When you come to the realization that all in vain, there comes a deep disappointment. A sense of loss sets in, sadness appears, and a loss of strength is felt. At this stage, the person mourns the loss of all that was dear, all that was hoped for and did not happen.
Depression is a lack of impulse to action: if something is not available to me, I don’t want anything! Yes, something is unavailable as it was before, but that doesn’t mean it’s impossible in a new way. Make a list of what you miss, what became unavailable with the divorce or never materialized in the old relationship. And look at this list from another angle, this is your desires and values, on which you can continue to build your life, to start another relationship. Highlighting the important and valuable helps you to set new goals.
As if waking up from a dream, one begins to see and share the facts. At this stage comes the realization of one’s own contribution to what has happened, and the value of all the good things that have been experienced and received in the marriage, as well as the understanding of one’s needs and abilities. A desire to live and move on, new meanings and goals appear.
The challenge in this difficult period is to go through all the stages without being stuck in any of them for a long time. On average, this can last from a year to three years, or even longer. Be attentive and careful to yourself, ask yourself: “Where am I now? What stage am I at? How long have I been there?”
If you realize you can’t get out of a difficult experience on your own, seek help from a therapist.
How do you get through a divorce if you have children or your wife is pregnant?
The initiator of a divorce when a couple has children can be both husband and wife. If the reasons for the divorce on the part of the woman were infidelity of the partner, financial instability or lack of income of the spouse, his addictive behavior, domestic violence, and even if the decision was made by the mother out of fear for life and health (their own and children), she suffers no less than if her husband left her.
In such situations, the woman still feels abandoned, with all the burdens of domestic, financial, parental problems, and the decision to divorce is very difficult. There is always hope that her husband will change, find a job, stop drinking, stop hitting and humiliating her, and return to the family. One of the typical feelings that a woman may experience during this period is often associated with the belief that no one needs her with children – who will take her as a wife with a child?
If a woman is pregnant, what will she live on when the baby is born and she has no opportunity to work? Or if a woman did not work before the divorce, took care of the house and children, what will she and the children live on? After all, it takes time to find a job. Sometimes a woman loses her skills in her profession over several years of child care. The situation can be exacerbated by the behavior of relatives: “You got married – let your husband feed you!” What to do in such a situation?
Don’t be taken in by those who think you have to handle everything on your own. There is no point in being ashamed or blaming yourself for what happened (“What did I look at when I got married?”, “I had my own baby and I have to carry the cross myself”). It is these beliefs that bring the most fear and anxiety. Even if the children stay with the mother after the breakup of the family, she is responsible for their lives just as much as her ex-husband, their father.
It is important to keep this in mind and in the divorce process begin to negotiate the terms of support for the children, and if there is reason and necessity, their mother as well. Seek help from mediators, lawyers, psychologists – remember that there are always people who are ready to support you in this difficult period. Within the framework of social projects there are centers of psychological assistance, as well as various services that provide shelter to women with children who were subjected to violence and left homeless, helping women to get a profession, find a job, arrange for the children in kindergarten or school.
Unfortunately, it happens that one parent sets the children against the other, does not allow the ex-spouse to meet with the child in order to get revenge, to hurt or get their own benefit, to cope with their own grief. It is worth clearly separating your own needs and desires from those of the children, so as not to use them as a tool for revenge or to obtain any benefits that are not legally related to the children.
Remember that spouses cease to be husband and wife after divorce, but remain mom and dad to the children – divorce does not nullify that fact in any way. Children love each parent and need both of them. This will help minimize the negative impact of divorce on the child’s psyche.
Cheating and Divorce
The reason for divorce is that the spouses cannot get along with each other. Many conflicts, quarrels and disagreements have alienated them from each other. Infidelity is usually a consequence of the spouses not being able to meet all their needs in the marriage and deciding to compensate on the side. At the same time, adultery can be a powerful argument and provoke the decision to divorce.
One of the most painful experiences of infidelity is feeling abandoned, abandoned and, as a consequence, damaged. Another is the experience of betrayal. The unbearability of a false sense of inferiority can provoke an unreasonable desire to win back a spouse.
The experience of betrayal pushes the decision to divorce. To divorce or not to divorce in case of infidelity? What to do if a spouse has left for another partner? You can answer this question only if you understand the reasons that led to treason, and in their own feelings for each other. It is impossible to cover all the experiences that arise for spouses during the divorce process.
It is important to know that whatever feelings arise, they all have a place, and it is also important to allow yourself to live them so that you do not linger in them. In order to move forward into the future, it is important to let go of the past.
What books will help you through a divorce
К. Whitaker. “A Family in Crisis.”
If a person has psychological difficulties, it is worth, first of all, to address his family history – it is probable that it is there that both the root of the problem and its solution will be found, as Carl Whitaker, an American psychiatrist of the middle of the 20th century, insisted. Using the example of working with one family, the author introduces us to the basics of the method of therapy he developed and analyzes the psychological mechanisms of interaction between relatives. This book, written by one of the founders of family therapy, has been a bestseller for more than a quarter of a century.
А. Kurpatov. “7 Real Stories. How to Survive a Divorce.
Through the real stories of seven women, the famous psychotherapist tells what happens to the psyche during a divorce, and how you can help yourself overcome this ordeal quickly and with the possible benefit to themselves.
С. K. Nartova-Bochaver, M. I. Nesmeyanova, N. V. Malyarova, E. A. Mukhortova. “The Child in the Carousel of Divorce.”
The authors, a psychologist, sociologist, philosopher and psychotherapist, have created a kind of guide to the situations that arise in the family after divorce and have paid special attention to parent-child communication. The book includes popular science materials, real-life stories and practical advice that will help you choose the right solutions for your particular family.
M. Travkova. “Infidelity. Why do loved ones cheat, is it worth forgiving, can it be avoided?”
Why do people decide to cheat while realizing that it can hurt the other and ruin a marriage? From the book it becomes clear the role of both partners in the occurrence of such situations. The author also gives an answer to the question of what to do if you are faced with this fact.