How do you survive unrequited love?
And why exactly are you so beautiful, smart, and creative – so terribly unlucky! Wait a minute, who said you were unlucky? Wait until you’re indignant – let’s figure it out … Let’s agree right away – there is no such thing as unhappy love. That is, not at all.
There’s a clever Greek word for it, an oxymoron. It’s the name of a word in which two absolute opposites collide. Cheerful sadness or cowardly courage are oxymorons. So, unhappy love is also an oxymoron.
Love is happiness by default, if only because it is love that makes one feel truly alive. The fact that the object of your affection does not pay attention to you is, of course, a serious flaw, but still not a sufficient reason for such desperate longing. For a negative experience is also an experience. And a hell of an experience it is.
What’s the upside here if love isn’t mutual?
So what’s so great about unrequited or, if you will, unhappy love. Here’s the thing:
Unhappy love is a great workout.
Prove to yourself and those around you that you can handle crisis situations.
Unhappy love is also an inoculation
Whatever mistake you made in his failed romance – you will not repeat it. Especially if you can figure out exactly what you (or your boyfriend, or, more likely, both of you) did wrong.
Unhappy love is your attraction.
It’s nothing strange, it’s the sublime thoughts and deep experiences that make girls look like enigmatic princesses. Suffering perfects the soul (which is always reflected in the face), and short-term stress benefits the waistline. Young men can smell a girl who’s just been through an unhappy love affair a mile away, and they swarm like bees to honey.
Try to analyze who, because of whom, in fact, broke your heart? Yes, because falling in love more often appears out of nowhere and falls like a snowball’s head – it can not be pre-programmed.
You meet him, look into his eyes and that’s it! The world around ceases to exist, butterflies in the stomach, a smile on your face – well, you know what we mean. And perhaps only then do you begin to analyze, so to speak, take a closer look at the person next to you. His habits, hobbies, character traits, etc. And you ask yourself, “Is HE really the hero of your romance?”
Chances are, HE just isn’t right for you. Maybe this prince is from a completely different fairy tale. Don’t despair, wipe away your tears – yours will show up, you just have to wait a little while.
Don’t be fooled. Every self-respecting person suffers from unhappy love at least once in their life, you can ask Yandex or your mother. But young people and teenagers are really susceptible to the virus of unhappy love more often than others. Do you want to know why?
First of all, in their youth, all feelings are unripe, like apples in July. And girls often miss a few very important links in a relationship. After all, feelings only seem unpredictable, but in fact develop along a strictly defined chain: interest – sympathy – falling in love – love.
If at any of these stages the relationship breaks down, unfortunately, there is no way to avoid a breakup. But it’s much easier to be disappointed in a boy you just like than in a boy you love so much that you just can’t get enough of him.
Alas, in adolescence, because of excessive romanticism, haste and a tendency to maximalism from a chain often falls out in the middle. You get “interest,” followed immediately by “love. The guy looks at you just three times, and you’re already ready to believe that he is the only happiness in your life.
Secondly, young people in love all too often lack basic life experience. Quarrels and arguments that adults get over in two accounts, without even noticing, at a tender age are transformed into oceans of monstrous passions. The reason for a quarrel and a breakdown may become a mere trifle: not sent in time SMS, accidentally said a rude word or a simple misunderstanding.
How to get rid of heartache?
If the theoretical part you have not helped, and analyze and reason in such a state you are completely unable (your brain simply refuses to do it all), try to at least follow our advice. If you can’t think – don’t think. Try to do as we say.
Share with your mom.
Why? Because in this situation, you need advice from an experienced, and most importantly understanding person. Girlfriends, of course, will listen to you and even sympathize, but their advice, most likely, you will not be useful. Because girlfriends would have to figure out for themselves what’s what in this troubled world. But a close and adult person – mom – will definitely help you look at the situation soberly. What’s more, your mother will embrace you and feel sorry for you so that all the troubles disappear at once.
What will change? You will feel better, because you will no longer be alone with your misfortune. And anyway, mom’s love and help is the only thing you can count on in any, the most desperate situation. And if you can not discuss love problems with your mom, talk to your grandmother. She loves you no less, and she knows about love and its vicissitudes, perhaps, even more than your mother.
I fell in love, and not my husband: personal experience of a psychologist
It is believed that a psychologist does not have to personally go through the situations with which clients come. But in my case, the base of psychological knowledge once helped save the relationship, and personal experience now helps in working with clients. Perhaps this story will save your marriage, too.
As a psychologist, I often hear about this. There is a husband, there is a family, there is a habit… And there is “He” – a man who against the backdrop of gray everyday life seems to be a bright star. One day it happened to me, too. My crush could have destroyed the marriage, but my husband and I managed to save it.
This story is about how not to confuse real feeling with trying to sneak away from problems in your own family. Read it even if you’re 100% sure it won’t happen to you. Because even a skydiver who has absolutely no plans to fall, learns to use a reserve parachute just in case.
My first love
My husband and I met when I was 17. Our relationship started later, and to begin with I just fell in love unrequited. He was a little aloof and completely ignored me: in short, the perfect first love for a girl whose parents worked very hard and didn’t devote much time to family.
I began to build a relationship according to the usual scenario-radiating love, keeping my distance. Catching every fleeting bit of attention. I waited. When our relationship began, I also followed this path: I made concessions (which my husband might not have been aware of), I gave up my interests (which he did not need), I was afraid to be unwanted.
If a relationship is built this way, it inevitably accumulates a lot of resentments and grievances. You invest, you give, you yield, you wait, but you do not receive a return. You willingly give up your desires, but you feel the problem as your partner’s disinterest. So at some point the relationship goes through a cooling-off period. And at that point, there is a risk of having someone third.
Take advantage of your own advice.
I’ve always been emotional, passionate…and in love. But when the story in question happened, there was a lot of value accumulated in my relationship with my husband – something worth fighting for in a marriage.
With the help of psychological knowledge, I took my falling in love as a beacon, a signal. Falling in love didn’t just happen, it was an indication of problems in my relationship with my husband. As a psychologist I understood: on the one hand we accumulated a lot of resentment toward each other and on the other hand we cherished the closeness we had accumulated together, the community, the emotional kinship.
Falling in love was an attempt to find care and attention, which at that time was scarce in the family. I decided to try to save my marriage by trying out the recommendations I usually give to clients as a psychologist on myself.
The foundation of a stable relationship is sincerity
Long-term relationships are built on sincerity. Deep emotional connection between partners reduces the appearance of jealousy and can be an antidote to cheating. If there is an inner closeness, we are confident in the person next to us. But to achieve a high level of trust, we must learn to talk openly about their feelings. This comes with experience or in therapy.
How to survive falling in love outside of marriage and not divorce
After realizing that I cared about my marriage, I didn’t rush into a new relationship headlong. The man who became the object of my infatuation, I immediately warned: my husband will know everything that happens between us. Accordingly, if he didn’t want my husband to know about anything, these things shouldn’t happen between us. He accepted that, and I began my journey, which consisted of the following 10 steps.
- My husband and I started talking a lot. We talked about my passion, we talked about the boundaries of what was acceptable in our marriage. For example, can I, as a married woman, feel sexually attracted to other men? And if I am not realizing it in any way, then no.
- I continued with personal therapy, working through the issues of self-esteem. I realized that my low self-esteem had led to my silencing the problems in the relationship, and the problems in the relationship had led to a situation that almost resulted in divorce.
- I let go of past resentments against my husband. Taught myself to react not to what was once a long time ago, but to the husband who is with me now. I began to listen to my reactions in the moment: if I feel good, I go into contact, if not – I refuse to interact.
- I did not try to pretend that everything is fine. I decided to move into another room and to give myself exactly as much time as necessary. Realized that I had to put my relationship with my husband on pause until I finally chose him. We lived in a state of “just friends” for four months, and I am very grateful to my husband for his patience.
- I began to build relationships in a new way, comfortable for myself. On the verge of divorce, it is easier to do this, because it will not work anymore (because that is what led to the collapse of the relationship) and there is nothing to lose.
- I stopped solving my husband’s problems. As a psychologist, I tend to get involved in solving other people’s problems and deal with my own. Then I turned the situation around 180 degrees: I blocked all the attempts to share working situations with me, but began to ask for support, sometimes even complaining.
- Inside myself I accepted that this case could end in divorce. I let go of all my unrealized desires in the marriage. Mentally gave my husband and I the right to separate. And began to accept him as he was.
- We started spending more time together. Dancing, couples’ bodily practices: a man who doesn’t want to get divorced is more willing to do it.
- Sexual education and self-exploration became a separate item. But I was studying not how to please a man, but how to start having more pleasure myself. Taoist practices, yonihing helped me to start treating intimacy not as a matrimonial duty, but as a game and an exploration. I began to listen to myself more: if I don’t want it, I don’t want it. Intimacy started long before foreplay – with communication, with joint walks, with mental nudity.
- I fell in love with her husband all over again. Of course, this did not happen immediately, but gradually the steps that we made towards each other, we became closer. The relationship was rebuilt not only on my husband’s side, but on mine as well. My model of “I do everything for him” has evolved to a model of “It should be good for both of us in a relationship.”
Usually we’re willing to do anything when a relationship is on the precipice. But if you start applying these guidelines before you and your partner hover over the precipice, a critical situation in the relationship can be avoided.
Healthy self-esteem, the correct dialogue and understanding of himself will protect the couple from disasters. Well, this story helped me to feel from my own experience: the recommendations that I give women in their quest to improve relationships really work. This summer my husband and I will celebrate 20 years of dating.