Tips psychologist, how to quickly and painlessly survive a divorce from her husband, parting with a beloved man
It is commonly believed that coming to terms with a breakup is an easier task than, for example, restoring a relationship.
Suffering from heartbreak for a few weeks or even months is perfectly normal, but if for a long time a woman still cannot accept the breakup, it means that she is trapped in her own mind and not able to get out of it.
The following will explain the psychological background of the breakup rejection and give advice on how to come to terms with the breakup.
Do women and girls in general worry after the breakup of a relationship with a beloved man, a guy?
Of course, divorce for both men and women is always a more or less conscious recognition of defeat. In this case, if one of the parties is planning and thinking about this process, the second parting is a complete surprise. The degree and nature of women’s experiences largely depends on whose initiative the breakup occurred.
If a member of the fair sex herself was the initiator, she may also experience it in different ways:
- Demonstrate indifference, because the man for self-sufficient ladies – just a tool to achieve the goal.
- Depress – such women can “overplay”: beg for forgiveness, call and guard at the doorway.
- To suffer without extremes – to feel guilty for the caused “inconvenience”, to suffer remorse.
If the initiator was the former chosen one, then this fact very much throws a woman out of whack. She is not happy about anything, she remains alone with her problem, and in severe cases, she may even become depressed. A characteristic behavior in such moments – to think only about the man and the moments with him.
Women’s experiences and their stages
Stages of experiencing a breakup:
- Denial . Parting for a lady is a shock and a shock, and in such a situation, the human psyche includes a defense mechanism in the form of refusal to believe in what is happening. The girl does not understand what happened and for what reasons, masterfully deceiving herself. The duration of this period is from an hour to a year.
- Expression of feelings . After the realization of what has happened, there comes an emotional reaction, which is expressed in different ways: for some through resentment and anger, for others through longing and sadness.
- The desire to restore relations, to come to terms . Going under the illusion, the woman tries to bargain, repent, beg for forgiveness – do everything to make the man change his mind or correct his own mistakes.
- Apathy . There comes a mental emptiness, which can turn into melancholy. The girl does not leave the feeling of loss, devastation, abandonment and uselessness to anyone.
- Humility . This is true acceptance of the fact of the breakup, understanding that nothing can be changed. At this stage, the person fully recovers and decides to move on.
How do you accept the situation?
“I can’t accept the breakup, even though it’s been a long time.” “How can I accept the divorce?” “How do I accept a breakup that was not my decision?”
These and many other similar questions women ask professionals and themselves after a breakup. It is impossible to completely avoid the pain of a breakup, but there are some suggestions and recommendations that make it better, faster, and more effective to get through this difficult time in life so that you can turn the trauma into an opportunity for something new.
Yes, a breakup can be your chance for a new life! But first you have to accept the very fact of the breakup. To answer the question of how to accept a breakup, you need to understand what a relationship breakup means to your mind and your body as a whole.
Love is a kind of drug (for some reason, when people are in love, they feel great pleasure), and a very strong and addictive one at that. Agree that when you are in love, you don’t want to stop loving, even when it is accompanied by suffering.
You may repeat that you want to fall out of love, but the truth is that your mind feeds on feelings of unhappy and/or unrequited love. It happens precisely because of your dependence on your partner. That said, when suddenly someone tries to cut you off from the source of your addiction, you struggle with withdrawal syndrome and try to satisfy your hunger somehow.
So tip #1 . Replace one source of “high” with another. For example, pay attention to family and friends, engage in a professional career or fulfill a long-held dream – to get a second higher education (or first, why not?).
It happens that people try to somehow drown out attachment, for example, falling into a whirlpool of emotions and unnecessary actions, such as endless parties with drinking. This is how a woman tries to communicate her feelings of frustration to the outside world, to find stimulants to help her forget herself. Sometimes the brain decides to deceive the person: in a sense, it “feeds” him with false expectations. Such situations do not allow you to come to terms with the breakup and live normally.
Therefore, advice #2 . Look for inspiration intellectually: pay attention to decent people nearby, join the beautiful, find like-minded people of interest. Well, what’s wrong with being a member of a forum of “divorcees”? These people know exactly how to accept a breakup.
Lastly, tip #3: Master a new art form – the art of acceptance. Think about the benefits and opportunities of being single – you can even write them down on a piece of paper if you want.
Who and what do you have more time for right now? What decisions require advice and how to find an alternative to a former partner? What can you go back to, what have you had to give up because of the relationship? What are you allowed to do that you cannot do in a permanent relationship?
It is important to see your current state as something positive where you can, but also need to learn to function again. This state is not a series of suffering, but a happy life that gives you a chance to grow. The sooner you define yourself, including among other people, as a strong and independent loner rather than an abandoned victim, the sooner you will believe that your life now is what you want it to be.
How do you come to your senses, endure grief and calm your soul, and learn to move on without your ex?
Psychological advice on how to recover from a relationship breakup:
Get over the pain.
The pain you feel after a breakup is natural, and while it shouldn’t affect your life, you should focus on it early on.
It’s all about being able to live and work effectively–without blocking the process of accepting the breakup.
Take time each day to listen carefully to your inner suffering. If it has to do with physical pain, focus on it. Allow the wound in your heart to gradually heal, but first carefully cleanse it. Give yourself permission to be sad, to cry, to be distracted by it. By accepting this state of your soul, you will find it easier to come to terms with it.
Remember to set aside some time to experience the pain deeply, but after that, try to return to normal life.
Balance and a final goodbye.
At this point you need to try to work out most of the points of contention . Balancing the relationship with an honest listing of your partner’s negatives and shortcomings will allow you to overcome your tendency to idealize.
Also, think about why you failed in this relationship-without conspiracy theories, but paying attention to actual internal and external factors (your character traits, life goals, value system, relationship circumstances).
Say goodbye to your ex by putting all items and mementos in a box. If there is anything left after the breakup, it is easier to resume the relationship.
No matter what it is: the pictures on the fridge, a ring on your wedding finger, or anything else, it will all be a source of emotion to your soul over and over again. Valuable gifts can be put in a pawnshop or sell, you can even return them to the one who gave as a gift, it does not matter. The main thing is that nothing is left in sight.
Put “Pandora’s Box” in a place that you rarely visit. Don’t contact your ex or his significant other and turn off your social media options. After this “cleaning up” you have more space for yourself and your business.
New experiences give you strong feelings, energy, vitality, motivation, joy and new opportunities to learn something else that you have not been in contact with until now.
This is not an extreme experience, but rather a sincere admiration for the possibilities you have and what you will still have.
It is the unknown experience of separation, the new experience of loneliness. All this shapes you, so find other activities that can further shape you in a positive way.
Start by traveling, learning new skills, meeting new people, and participating in previously unknown events. Circumstances in life are unpredictable, but one creates one’s own destiny.
New Direction, New Love
Only complete reconciliation with separation will allow you to open the gates to your heart to a new love . A dysfunctional old relationship will never allow you to establish a healthy, lasting and happy relationship with someone else.
Give yourself time and enjoy your independence (take your time!), and when you feel the moment is right, take one last step and let people get close to you. You are now a stronger, funnier, more mature person. As long as you feel good about yourself, you can make others happy.
In each successive partner we always discover something new and better-particularly what we need and expect in the moment. In your case, let it be common goals and shared ideas for realizing them, and your relationship is sure to gain value.
How do you calm down and recover?
Even after the breakup has already happened, the fact is fully realized and accepted as a fait accompli, women feel a special burden that wants to throw off their shoulders. At this stage, the main thing – do not fall into a deep depression and to rehabilitate.
Let yourself be you
It’s okay to be sad when a relationship ends. Don’t let people you don’t like into your life.
Get busy and put on your favorite music. Draw, dance, garden, go skydiving if it makes you feel better.
Do not be afraid to see the positive in the world: to feel disappointment, resentment and sadness – it’s good. But you’ve already let those feelings go. Now it’s time to just live: communicate and read interesting books, expand your dating horizons and self-improvement.
Do not turn into a “loner” who does not need anyone.
Do not think that talking about their problems – it’s bad. Let the people closest to you will be a shoulder and a support. If there are no such people, another effective way to make an appointment with a psychologist who will help solve all problems.
Look for reasons to rejoice
Cheer up in this life can be the simplest things: a kitten found in the street, needing your warmth, or the radiant sun, which suddenly looked out from behind the clouds after a long rain, many other absolutely insignificant things.
You can start renovating your room, take time out to change yourself, like having morning meditation rituals or enrolling in a foreign language course.
Take care of your appearance, visit beauty salons, because it is better to be sad with beautiful nails and well-groomed hair. Do not forget about regular procedures, keep to your schedule of the day.
Set new goals
It is necessary to set a new goal and small steps to achieve them, despite the difficulties and problems that may arise along this thorny path – and life will change. Small victories can help you regain confidence and go further.
You can start a new relationship for the sake of experimentation. Find someone who can boost your self-esteem or just someone you enjoy spending time with.
Remember: it takes time to recover from a painful breakup . Give yourself time to rest from what happened in your life.
And only then go through “rehabilitation”. This is not the last relationship in your life: you are sure to find someone who is right for you. In the meantime, just live your life, taking a full breath.
You may notice certain behaviors that constructively indicate an inability to accept separation from your former partner:
- You idealize your former partner, focusing only on his or her benefits, exaggerating them or even giving them additional traits. In doing so, the final image is very different from reality, and when you are reminded of your ex’s defects and shortcomings, you immediately replace this with an imagined ideal image.
- You idealize your relationship – there is nothing good about cherishing bad memories and regrets, but in this case you present your finished relationship as an absolute idyll, devoid of negative aspects.
- You blame yourself for the breakup of the relationship – you see yourself as the sole culprit of the breakup, the person who caused the destruction of the ideal relationship and the harm or inability to satisfy your ideal partner.
- You follow your ex-partner in person or on social media – observing his movements, posts, photos, analyzing social media activity.
- You weave conspiracy theories about the breakup – looking for cheating, flirting, dark secrets, giving new meaning to situations from the past, reevaluating the behavior and words of the ex-boyfriend.
- You don’t let your beloved leave your life – you keep his things, souvenirs, photos, letters, messages (at home, in your phone, on your computer), you remember him in the company of other people, you agree to irrational decisions like friendship with your former partner.
- You neglect yourself and your environment – you avoid social contacts, you forget about family members, you push others away with your irritation or resentment, you don’t exercise, you give up hobbies, you become slovenly.
- You try to get your ex-partner back by pressuring him, being extreme and reckless, trying to reach out to him through his family, friends and acquaintances.
Why is it important to go through the process correctly?
Certainly, the breakup process is long and painstaking. It takes a lot of time for a variety of reasons.
During this difficult time, you need to treat yourself with the utmost care and take advantage of the help and support of relatives and professionals.
After all, the correctness of the path depends not only on the mood and emotional stability, but also the prospects for a future happy life.
If you want to personal front in the relationship with the opposite sex was all right, then you have to discover the possibility of another experience, not negative, but necessary and meaningful for gaining wisdom and spiritual growth.
Many women after divorce behave more confidently and independently than during the relationship – this shows that even an unpleasant event can have a positive impact, if you have the courage to turn the breakup into your chance to start a new life.
Video on the topic of the article
How to survive a breakup, the video will tell you:
Summing up about how to come to terms with a breakup, we want to express the hope that this serious and difficult ordeal you can turn into a positive change, which will be a further motivator for personal development.
How to Survive a Divorce: Advice from a Psychologist
This article gives an answer on how to survive a woman’s divorce from her husband. What you can do, and what actions are forbidden. Tips from professional psychologists.
The breakup of a long family relationship is accompanied by emotional shock. How a woman will survive a divorce with her husband will prompt the advice of a practicing psychologist.
Acceptance and awareness
The first stage is the most difficult. The girl sinks into a state of shock, refuses to believe that the marriage has broken up. One by one, things arise:
The stage is characterized by attempts to reconnect, then the longest stage begins, a plunge into depression. Only in the last stage comes acceptance.
Tip! Whatever feelings a woman has, she must accept them, give herself time to calm down. The more one resists emotions, the longer the stage will be.
The shock stage can last up to three months, a woman can make a lot of mistakes. What a woman experiences after a divorce at this stage:
- The desire to be left alone;
- The desire for a new partner;
- The need to change her image.
Ideas should be abandoned, just wait out the shock. Mental state is unstable, in 87% of cases, women regret their actions. Any decisions should be subjected to critical analysis.
Release of negativity and aggression
It is not necessary to suppress aggression. How to survive a divorce for a pregnant woman and keep your sanity:
- Learn to express anger differently;
- Restrain from negative outbursts in the direction of the former lover;
- Take care of yourself, the health of the future baby.
But any woman going through a divorce goes through a stage of aggression. However, it occurs where there is no outlet for grief. It is better to relax, to let yourself cry, to talk out to your girlfriends, to experience suffering. The more it is suppressed, the more anger arises.
Presence in the present.
Whether a woman is going through a divorce of her own volition or by a man’s decision, she is making a global mistake: she is in the past.
- A honeymoon in a beautiful place, tender feelings.
- Dates, night walks, trips to the restaurant.
- Fights, scandals, moving in with her parents.
- Traveling together, happy moments.
But all of this is behind us, you have to put an end to the past – it no longer exists. It is hard to return to the present, to be present in it. But only living in the “here and now” format will help you survive a difficult life situation.
Tip! Divorce hurts both partners, no matter who initiated it. The main thing is to forgive yourself, learn to move on.
A plea for help
Every third woman after a divorce puts on a mask of strong and independent. But behind this bravado hides the pain of loss. The longer a girl hides it, the harder it will be to return to normal life. Playing the role of the suffering mother-heroine is not an option. If a woman needs help, she should not be afraid to ask for it.
Photo by Tandem X Visuals on Unsplash
Close friends will provide support, a psychologist will help resolve internal contradictions. Only by opening up to others can you free yourself from the painful experience of divorce.
A Life of Pleasure
How to survive a woman left alone a difficult divorce, if every day she sinks deeper into depression, looking for causes in themselves, destroys self-esteem. A utopian situation can turn life into an ordeal.
There is no need to look for reasons to be unhappy. Divorce is behind us, there is a happy, long life ahead, a sea of possibilities. A woman should allow herself to be happy, to start living her life to her own satisfaction.
What is forbidden.
- Every fourth woman after divorce goes to extremes, refuses to lead a normal life. In no case can you take antidepressants without a doctor’s appointment, even if the situation seems hopeless.
- A separate topic is alcohol, nicotine. This is not a solution to the problem, but a way to forget, which does not work. A support group for women who have gone through a divorce will help a lot more than a couple of bottles in a bar.
- You don’t have to give up your familiar surroundings. Locked in an apartment, spending all day in the memories of her ex-husband is not the best option.
Tip! Psychologists insist that it is necessary to solve mental problems. Going through a divorce with your husband is easier than treating lingering depression.
The desire to have a new relationship seems tempting, but it will lead to disappointment. Feelings will quickly subside, the woman will compare the new guy to her ex-husband, which will lead to another scandal. Such a relationship is doomed to failure.
There is no single answer to the question of how men and women experience divorce. Everyone goes through stages of aggression and acceptance, but for some it takes a few months, while others suffer for years.
Photo by Trent Szmolnik on Unsplash
First of all, you need to accept the situation, give vent to your emotions and feelings, and do not be afraid to ask for help. Balance of mind will not be long, if time to contact a psychologist, allow yourself to live happily.
A woman after a divorce can make many mistakes, so in the first couple of months it is better to refuse to make decisions. In such moments, it is better to devote time to yourself, to do your favorite things. Self-analysis without judgment, prioritizing and taking care of yourself will help to survive the divorce.
Hi, I am the founder and also a psychologist of the center Opening. With us you will change your life – just ask for help!