How to survive a quarrel with your husband?

The place of rupture: how a quarrel looks like through the eyes of a man

To think that the happiest couples are those where there is never a quarrel, is quite naive. The main thing is that quarrels are followed by reconciliations, and the parties draw conclusions. But there’s a catch: you often feel like a man is worried about a fight in a different way than you are. How men get over a quarrel with the woman they love, let’s sort it out.

You had a fight – and you went to the bathroom to cry. And he turned on the TV and watches soccer. Do you think men get over an argument with a woman or is he insensitive and doesn’t care? Actually, men worry more than women about relationship problems. They just do it in their own way.

How a man experiences a quarrel: he suffers without intimacy

American researchers suggested what explains the man’s behavior after a quarrel. The main reason for the mental torment of men after a breakup is that the partner is suddenly the only person with whom they communicate so closely.

That is, no matter how good his relationship with his mother and friend, completely open his soul, he can only you. And you, unlike him, are close and frank with your friends, your parents, and your dentist. “It’s easier for a woman to satisfy the need for trusting communication. Most men can do this with difficulty – they are pressured by fear of intimacy, and openness is mistakenly perceived as weakness,” explains psychologist Alexander Kuznetsov. Therefore, men are experiencing a quarrel more difficult.

To be frank and sincere and do not feel like wimps, our favorite can only be with us, because we are for them, so to speak – the weaker sex. And by communication, men do not mean long talks and shocking confessions. They need more support, trust and silent understanding. If you pay attention to how men behave after a quarrel, you can see that they are noticeably lost.

A man experiences a quarrel more strongly because he underestimated the relationship

There is one small but important clarification in the study by sociologists – men experience quarrels and troubles in the couple more strongly, while also enduring the breakup more easily. But, according to observations by transactional analyst Elena Lazarenko, the breakup is not easy for them, because usually they do not even realize what emotional value the relationship has. “From my experience, men more often than women seek psychological help when the affair is over. While in our country they are still much less likely to see a therapist,” she says.

According to psychotherapist, so it happens because men for a long time honestly believe that relationships are needed primarily partner, and hence, to take care of them should she. But when the separation occurs, the behavior of the men after the quarrel shows that for them it is a great surprise that they begin to feel the emptiness. Women, on the other hand, are well aware of the value of the relationship and even exaggerate it.

“It’s not uncommon for men to come to me with this confession: “I’ve fought in hot spots, traveled all over the world. I have a thriving business. I’m not afraid of anything or anyone. But I couldn’t imagine that without her, something like this would happen. Tell me, what’s wrong with me? I thought we would break up and it would all be over. And now I can’t sleep or eat without her! – says Elena Lazarenko. – That is, a man who does not realize and does not recognize their emotional needs, eventually gets into a relationship in which these needs are at least partially met. Quite often this behavior after a quarrel typical of men pleasers, constantly changing women, not allowing with anyone emotional intimacy and deny the need for it.

Difficulty of talking: men often survive quarrels silently.

If we are forbidden to share problems, we will naturally worry about them more. And men are almost impossible to talk frankly about feelings – and to understand whether men are experiencing quarrels is not so easy. At least, they don’t talk about feelings as well as we do.

In one episode of Sex and the City, Steve explains to Carrie how much Aidan was going through the fight and breaking up with her: “He wouldn’t get off the couch for a month, and I’d bring him broth and chicken wings.” – “Did he say he was suffering?” – “No, guys don’t talk about things like that. We eat wings in silence!”

And we talk. A lot and a long time. We talk to our girlfriends about his flaws and our own mistakes. It’s easier for us to talk about the relationship and, therefore, get support and relieve stress. “If a woman tells her friends that she broke up or had a fight with her partner, she will at least listen and ask questions. If a man shares his family problems with his buddies, however, most likely, he will not get support,” explains Elena Lazarenko. – How does a man survive a quarrel? Friends will offer to go to a club or have a proper drink. Therefore, most men do not talk about their feelings – they are sure in advance that the empathy will not wait. Also, they want at all costs to remain in the role of strong, do not need sympathy superheroes.

How to make up with her husband after a big quarrel and make the best out of it.

Your nervous system is already exhausted to the limit quarrels with your husband? There came a crisis in the relationship, which ends can not be seen? In fact, most likely it’s not as bad as it seems to you, and the solution lies on the surface, but you do not notice it. Psychologists recommend to reconsider your position on family conflicts and put an end to unnecessary warfare. And do not be afraid to take the initiative into their own hands, because a wise woman understands that only she is able to save the marriage and make it happy.

Breaking stereotypes

First of all, honestly answer yourself the question: do you want to save this marriage? Do you love this man? Your answer should not affect neither the number of years lived together, nor the presence of children. It matters only your desire. If no – is not even worth the effort, which in any case will ultimately prove futile. If yes – you will have to work hard to regain lost happiness.

Secondly, reconsider your own attitude towards quarrels. Listen to psychologists who say that periodic conflicts in the family are an opportunity to blow off steam. If the husband and wife will keep everything inside, it will lead even faster to a divorce than regular scandals. Just be aware of their necessity.

Thirdly, learn to make the best of every quarrel, no matter how big or small. Another scandal with her husband can turn into a wise wife:

  • An auto-training session on “Do I know how to control myself?”
  • An opportunity for self-improvement: yes, he said that you have let yourself go – so it’s time to act and prove to him and yourself that you are still a beauty;
  • the return of romance to the relationship;
  • A chance to talk to her husband, who in the heat of a scandal could finally say what he is always quiet.

One last thing. Even if you have constant quarrels with your husband (almost every day), do not even think that this is the end of your marriage. This may indicate a crisis in the relationship, problems at work or even a hormonal malfunction. Not always frequent conflicts are not dictated by the fact that love is gone and it’s time to break up. The real reasons may lie completely different. Just learn to see them.

So, dear women, if a quarrel with her husband can not be avoided, learn to make the most out of it. After that the scandals will be much easier to live through. And this is already a big deal on the way to their complete elimination.

Peculiarities of male psychology

If you and your husband have too frequent quarrels, think about whether you understand men. Or do you, after living for so long in a marriage, still think that they are just like women? Perhaps the reason for the constant scandals that you have no idea what motivates his actions and what he expects from you. Once you understand the mysteries of his psychology, much will fall into place, and the need for conflict will disappear. Here are some of its peculiarities:

  • Men are straightforward and work toward one specific goal;
  • they are guided by actions, not words;
  • they don’t understand innuendo;
  • they don’t pay attention to trivialities;
  • they don’t like to be told what to do;
  • they are not really dry and callous, they just cannot be shown that they also worry and suffer;
  • they need to at least somehow release accumulated emotions, and the best way to do this is a hobby (car, fishing, hunting, guitar, hiking, gym);
  • they like to be praised and need to feel their own importance;
  • they like honesty.

A vivid example of women’s misunderstanding of male psychology: he doesn’t call during the day, and in his wife’s imagination a detailed picture of infidelity is already being painted. In fact, he is just busy at work and can’t keep several tasks in his head at once.

Possible causes

Ask yourself the question: why did I quarrel with her husband again? Write down the reasons and gradually try to find a compromise. The most provocative factors:

  1. Inattention on his part (most often contrived by the wife herself).
  2. Household. Often makes quarrels every day, because there is nowhere to go: a faucet must be fixed, the trash can be taken out, the apartment must be paid for, the children must be educated.
  3. Lack of money, housing problems.
  4. Incompatibility of characters, social status, intimate needs.
  5. Jealousy, infidelity, flirting on the side.
  6. Your/his parents.
  7. Career, hobbies, friends – everything he supposedly has in the first place.
  8. Parenting issues. Quarrels often arise after the birth of a child, when the young mother feels that her husband does not help her at all, and he, tired after work and sleepless nights, feels unwanted.
  9. Religious, political views and beliefs.

These are only the most common reasons. Sometimes a quarrel between a husband and wife can flare up because of some little things literally on nothing: fell asleep early, forgot to congratulate the mother-in-law on her birthday, did not buy potatoes. All these problems are solvable and not worth the nerves.

Much harder when the conflict is based on more serious problems: if he is addicted to drugs or alcohol, losing money in the casino, mixed with crime, lying all the time, not sleeping at home. In such cases, it is necessary as soon as possible to seek help from professional psychologists who can save the marriage.

Useful tips

How to behave during a quarrel with your husband:

  1. Listen to him, not just talk yourself.
  2. Don’t accuse or justify yourself, but don’t be silent either. Just state the facts.
  3. Do not stir up the past.
  4. Do not shout. Men do not tolerate high pitched sounds.
  5. Do not insult, do not talk about divorce.
  6. Do not open your hands. If there is a blow back, know that it was you who provoked him.
  7. Do not break dishes or throw things around the room.
  8. Express your thoughts with an “I-message.” Not, “You’re home late again,” but, “I get worried when you’re gone a long time.”

How to end an argument and calm down:

  1. Separate into separate rooms. A great option and how to avoid an argument if it hasn’t already broken out, and how to end it.
  2. Do yoga, breathing exercises, or exercise on an exercise machine.
  3. Go for a walk.
  4. Drink a glass of water.
  5. Hug and kiss your husband.
  6. Ask for forgiveness, if you are to blame.
  7. Say the stop word (the spouses agree on it in advance).

It is important to determine immediately how to behave after a quarrel. In no case you should not immediately cry, beg him for forgiveness on his knees, to hang on his neck, even if you are guilty. First you need to cool both, and only after that go to the reconciliation.

And most importantly, a wise wife, even after a quarrel with her husband, will never deny him intimacy, will not throw out of the common bedroom, will not bed him separately in another room. This means a lot to men, and it is often enough for spouses to sleep in the same bed to eliminate conflict.

How to make arguments less frequent:

  1. Learn to manage your anger. Don’t allow yourself to raise your voice, to insult.
  2. Learn to listen to your husband. Let him talk in the evenings after work.
  3. Put yourself in his place so you can quickly understand the motives for his actions.
  4. Talk in advance about controversial issues, such as who takes out the trash, walks the dog, who earns how much money.
  5. Do not consult anyone about conflict situations (except psychologists).
  6. Respect your husband. Find his virtues. Fall in love with him again.
  7. Keep what you promised.

If you follow these rules, quarrels will arise much less frequently.

How to make up

There are different options on how to make up with your husband after a strong quarrel. Which one you choose will depend on your character and the relationship in the family. Someone will cook him any cutlets for dinner, and someone will find it easier to put on seductive underwear and bury the hatchet in bed. However, much will depend on who is to blame for the conflict.

“If it’s my fault, I’ll :

  • … take him on a romantic date to our favorite cafe;
  • …cook him a nice dinner;
  • …give him a gift;
  • … write a text/email/note telling him I love him and telling him not to be mad at me;
  • … buy new lace lingerie and seduce him like I did years ago;
  • …sincerely ask his forgiveness!

“If it’s his fault, I’ll…”

  • …give him time to think, pause;
  • …pretend it didn’t happen;
  • …try to fix things up with a harmless joke;
  • … pretend to be helpless and ask him to do something that requires male strength;
  • …talk to him earnestly about things I don’t like;
  • …try to forgive him!

To mend your relationship with your husband after an argument, it is enough to try some new way of reconciliation each time. If you constantly call him after scandals for a serious conversation, eventually the method will stop working. Be more diverse.

Resolving Problematic Situations

Not all quarrels develop according to a typical scenario. Sometimes there are problematic, out-of-the-box situations to deal with which only the advice of a psychologist can help.

Do you want to be the first to make up?

The wife should not go to the reconciliation first, if her husband:

  • 100% guilty;
  • hit her;
  • Insulted her or any of her relatives;
  • never asks for forgiveness and never goes first to reconciliation.

In other cases, why not?

What do we do if we fight all the time?

Half-jokingly, half-seriously make a diary of your quarrels. It is not necessary to describe them in detail. Record can look like this: the date and cause of the quarrel. Every Sunday you sit down and discuss what you have written. Believe me: after 2-3 weeks you will realize how insignificant these conflicts and that they are not worth the nerves, the broken dishes and the more breaking of relations.

What to do if your husband .

  • … insults or humiliates

Openly express your dissatisfaction to him about it, but only once. If he ignores your request, close in yourself, do not talk to him, go to another room or take a half-hour walk. If this situation repeats constantly, you are unlikely to have a happy future.

Stop him in any way you can, but not by lowering yourself to manhandling. Get out of the quarrel (lock yourself in a room, go outside). After he calms down, have a serious talk about how this kind of thing is unacceptable in your marriage. If it happens again, you have only one option – divorce.

  • … constantly talks about breaking up.

Unfortunately, psychologists are clear on why your husband talks about divorce at every argument. No matter how painful it is to realize it, he thinks about it and expresses it exactly in a state of nervous excitement, because he does not find the strength to do it in a calm atmosphere. After both of you have cooled down, try to figure out what the reason is. It is possible that he was just tired of life, and then joint efforts can still fix something. But it is possible that he just had another woman and is looking for a reason to break up.

What to do if after a quarrel her husband…

If you go for a breath of fresh air for half an hour – it’s normal, if overnight – it’s time to radically change something in the relationship.

  • …leaves the house for hours and doesn’t call.

Perhaps he takes so long to cool down from the conflict. If he then comes back and the relationship normalizes, do not make a big deal out of it, let him be alone.

  • … doesn’t want to reconcile.

If he does not go into contact, despite the fact that you tried all methods of reconciliation, it’s time to think, do you need a husband?

  • Does not talk for a long time and is silent.

If while he does everything around the house and does not try to leave, most likely, he is just such a nature, so be gentle with him and do not bring it to the quarrel next time.

What to do if after a quarrel we do not speak with her husband for a week?

This often happens when they are both fragile and offended or too proud to go to the reconciliation first and ask for forgiveness. Then you have to decide what is more important to you: your unyielding nature or marriage? Write him a letter, call for a frank conversation – there are many ways to break the silence!

All women have different perception of quarrels with her husband. Some get used to them as a daily need to let off steam to both. Others take them too close to the heart. For others, they are akin to a universal flood. The main thing – come out of such conflicts are not morally broken and believe in love, marriage and their relationship with this man. That’s when your family is sure nothing will happen.

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