How to stop getting nervous because of a man?

What to do if you’re constantly snapping at your partner

Some of us find it difficult to remain calm in a relationship with a loved one. Talking to colleagues, customers, friends, we are ready to show endless patience – but not with your loved ones. Why does this happen and what to do about it?

Even minor transgressions of the partner or disagreements with them greatly annoy you? Time and again you stubbornly try to prove your point? You know that it would be worth it to forget these petty misunderstandings, and move on, but you can not do it?

It’s important to figure out why you’re holding on to these destructive patterns of behavior. The reasons may be as follows:

  • You feel that by forgetting the hurt, you will show weakness.
  • You believe that your partner doesn’t agree with your point of view because he or she simply doesn’t understand it.
  • You believe that your partner should always understand you.
  • Your partner voluntarily or involuntarily provokes you certain emotional reactions associated with memories from childhood.
  • You are afraid of becoming a copy of a parent, which seems to you weak and helpless. This is often expressed in statements like: “I swore that I would never be like my mother.

However, just to understand the reasons is not enough. For there to be a real change, you need to develop new ideas about relationships and new patterns of behavior. Here’s how you can do this.

1. Forgiving hurts, see it as your conscious decision

Afraid of being seen as weak? It can help to realize that you are not forced to forgive your partner “insults”, but consciously and voluntarily. Think of famous people who were able to change the world by giving up aggression and belligerence: Mother Teresa, Martin Luther King, John Lennon, Mahatma Gandhi.

2. If they are willing to listen to you, it doesn’t mean they agree with you.

If your partner listens to you, it doesn’t mean they have to agree with what’s being said. It’s enough that he heard your opinion, expressed once, maximum two. If you notice that you start repeating yourself, pause. Distract yourself, go for a walk, breathe, meditate.

3. Accept the fact that your partner doesn’t always understand your point of view

No one can read your thoughts or experience what you have experienced. Your partner may have a different approach to life and relationships based on their unique life experiences. He or she may listen to you carefully and sympathetically, but may not always be able to fully understand your point of view. If you find yourself unsuccessfully trying to convince him of your point of view, remember that your partner is an individual with his own experience.

4. Work through your weaknesses.

It’s about problems coming from childhood or past relationship experiences that provoke you to violent emotional reactions. In working on these problems can help consult a psychologist who can address both independently and together with your partner. The more important it is to contact a specialist if your partner intentionally provokes you. It is necessary to understand what is behind such behavior and whether it is necessary to preserve the relationship.

In addition, you need to figure out which situations are really worth taking a stand for. For many people it is important “not to be like mom/dad. If you grew up in a family where one parent had all the power and the other was powerless and powerless, you may feel that by not asserting your position, you become like the weak parent.

Try to actively stand on their own only when it comes to something really important. This is where your strength will manifest itself: in the ability to choose how to react and behave in different situations.

Constant conflict and quarrels on the same grounds often lead to the collapse of the relationship. If you love your partner and the relationship with him for you important and meaningful, it is worth starting to change established patterns of behavior.

How not to be nervous about the guy?

Hello, the guy goes out for a drink with friends, and says he will come at a certain time, but does not come, when I write ignores messages, when I ask what time he will come, answers nervously, says he wants to spend time with friends, although he works at the same job with them, He comes home from work and goes to bed, sleeps until evening and then goes to work again, he pays no attention to me, and I am tired of such treatment, but I cannot leave him I love him, and when I want to talk to him about it, he changes the subject, always plays on the phone or a console, I do not know what to do.

Received five tips from psychologists

Hello Svetlana. Perhaps your boyfriend doesn’t appreciate the time he could spend with you because you can be at his disposal all the time. Man is so built that he appreciates what he feels a deficit, shortage. Here you are in need of it, you lack it, because it is valuable to you, you are suffering. To reverse this position, you may need to restructure your time. Fill it with things you are passionate about, interested in, or motivated by. In your life besides your MH, there can also be meetings, conversations, spending time in ways that are interesting and convenient for you. It’s your personal space that’s important to everyone, whether they’re in a serious relationship at the moment or not.

All the best to you!

Consulting online (Skype, Zoom, V/A).

Dian Natalia Gengvanovna

Dian Natalia Gengvanovna

Hello Sveta! You have to deal with emotional indifference. And I don’t see your fault in it.

Here you can try to figure out the reasons. Let’s try.

Perhaps your young man has no other pattern of behavior, perhaps his emotionality has cost him a great deal and was unsafe. He may have had his feelings and emotions cut off as a child because of trauma. This needs to be dealt with by a specialist.

What can you do to generate harmonious balanced people in your reality? It is necessary to transform the configuration of your personality, to see which structures do not give you permission for a worthy variant. You will have a choice to act differently and the right to make this choice.

Please contact me, I will be glad to help you in this. Sincerely

Psychologist, system modeling and decoding Dyan Natalia, Almaty

Nadezhda D. Leus

Nadezhda D. Leus

To understand your favorite person you need to get into his “skin”. To think why he sleeps till evening, and does not think about anything except work and a console.

Indeed, there must be a reason for his withdrawal from reality. Either he is inadequately stressed by the situation at work (which he may not talk about), or a relationship (you are worried for a reason). And he loves you too, but is experiencing tension and difficulty around you.

You, for your part, can try his way of dealing with the problems – getting away from the situation, doing something else. And such a removal from the man, can be very constructive. Your guy will feel that you are disappearing somewhere from his attention, and then he will do something.

Respectfully, Nadezhda Leus.

I would be glad to help in solving the problem in person and via Skype!

Svetlana

The guy goes out for a drink with friends, and says he will come at a certain time, but he does not come, when I write he ignores messages, when I ask what time he will come, he answers nervously, saying that he wants to spend time with friends

This interaction is very similar to a situation where an anxious and controlling mother tries to control and regulate her child’s time and life. And while in the parent-child relationship this is a very typical and normal situation, in the man-woman relationship it is a somewhat “unhealthy” situation, indicating that in your relationship with the boyfriend you both take on roles in relation to each other from the child-parent relationship: you have taken on the role of parent, mother, and the boyfriend is in the role of the teenage son.

This is also indicated by your next clarification:

Svetlana

When I want to talk to him about it, he changes the subject, he is always playing on the phone or in a game.

From this you can see that the guy lives the life of a teenager, not really seeks responsibility for the relationship in which he is.

Svetlana, I recommend you to come out of the role of a mother and start interacting with the guy from the role of a woman. It is also worth thinking about whether the guy is taking up too much space in your life. What else is your life full of?

Yulia Bugayets, medical psychologist in St. Petersburg, in-person and online.

Olga Vladislavovna Oryadova

Olga Vladislavovna Oryadova

What does it mean to go out drinking with friends? If a guy drinks alcohol regularly, he has an alcohol addiction. Alcoholism or other severe addictions (such as drug addiction) in one of the partners always bring difficulties to the relationship. If you chose such a guy, fell in love with him, and now you’re suffering, it means you need the experience for something. Maybe you like feeling unappreciated, cheated? Is there something else holding you back in this relationship?

You say you love him, that’s why you can’t leave him. Apparently you are more interested in your relationship than he is. If the guy doesn’t care too much about the girl, he may allow himself to spoil her mood. Especially since your upset isn’t followed by any “sanctions.” What happens after you’ve been upset about a spoiled evening? I’m pretty sure nothing. Your attempts to talk are primitively avoided by your partner. In the meantime, something has to follow the MH’s action. For example, if you can’t count on the fulfillment of his promise to come home on time, without delays with friends, then don’t let him expect that you will always keep your promises either. Conversely, a partner’s behavior that brings you pleasure, joy, should take hold. So, if he spends the evening with you, and not with drinking among friends, you can directly tell him about your positive emotions: “I am happy to spend time with you,” “I feel calm when you are around,” etc. Also, you need to actually establish a sensual connection with your partner: have sex, go for a walk together or in the company of mutual friends (without alcohol), do together the things that both of them like.

Svetlana, my answer is not a full consultation. To better understand the reasons for your not entirely successful relationship, I invite you to my place to talk. All the best!

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