How to stop being jealous?

Jealous – it means love? How to cope with jealousy: psychologist’s tips.

“Beware of jealousy, sir. That – the beast with green eyes, mocking its prey,” – advised the hero of Shakespeare’s “Othello” his friend Iago. Wikipedia does not deny the classic, calling jealousy a negatively colored emotion and “one of the most difficult and unpleasant experiences of the spectrum of human emotion.”

In interpersonal relationships, this phenomenon of psychological nature has been evident since childhood – we are jealous of mom and dad for other people, best friends for their friends, and we want the one we first fall in love with to devote all his time to us. Later, this feeling moves almost entirely into the realm of love relationships, although adults are capable of friendly jealousy as well.

And if mild jealousy adds spice to the relationship, the green-eyed monster that Shakespeare wrote about literally eats away at the soul, provoking a couple of quarrels, misunderstandings and complete discord. It’s okay to feel a sting of jealousy from time to time, but when the uncertainty in the partner interferes with being together and enjoying life, the “beast” must be curbed.

Why we are jealous

The main reason for jealousy – the fear of losing something dear that you have (respect, love, friendship). The root of this fear is doubt. “The cause of doubts in some cases lies in the self-esteem, damaged by the trauma received in childhood or experienced relationships. For example, the betrayal of a loved one or treason, – explains clinical psychologist and hypnotherapist Olga Golosova. – “Traumas of this kind make you feel that you do not deserve love and affection, and therefore you are anxious when your partner pays attention to someone else.

“Sometimes jealousy is a feeling that arises from a lack of attention from a loved one, when you feel like someone else is getting it instead of you,” the expert continues. – If you are tormented by jealousy, you are emotionally dissatisfied with the existing relationship and expect more from it, although perhaps your demands are unreasonably high. Wanting to get more attention, you become suspicious, aggressive, resort to psychological manipulation, only to pull favorite that actually only worsens the situation.

Signs of jealousy in a relationship

Carefully read the psychologist’s list of signs. If you recognize among them a few that fit your behavior, then your jealousy is time to take control.

You want to spend with your partner 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Bored – ok, but do not allow him to set a step without you? This behavior indicates selfishness and morbid dependence, not love.

You’re constantly checking up on him when you’re not together. Oh, this eternal question, “Where are you?” If you ask it ten to a hundred times a day, surely there will come a point where your partner gets tired of it. And quite a scarecrow, sorry, if you ask him to send a photo surrounded by those with whom he spends time.

His casual interactions with the opposite sex invariably irritate you.

You don’t like him spending time with his friends because you don’t want him to have fun without you, and you’re not sure he has as much fun with you.

You follow him on social media, either overtly or covertly, noting his reactions to other people’s posts and checking search terms, which predictably fills your mind with suspicion.

You regularly rebuke him for cheating, feeding your own mistrust.

How to stop being jealous

To curb the doubts and mistrust your partner, you must first honestly admit that these feelings bother you. Then – identify their cause, alone or with the help of a psychologist. If there is no real reason for jealousy, if your partner does not manipulate you, treats you with respect and love, the next step – gradually change the attitude toward yourself, because perhaps in this case, the breeding ground for jealousy – low self-esteem. It’s a long process, but it’s worth working on the result.

1. Share feelings.

Instead of insults, ultimatums, bans and other manipulations, just talk and listen to each other. Be sincere and respectful of your partner and remain calm to avoid fighting or jumping to conclusions.

3. seek compromise.

Try to discuss painful issues and find a compromise to calm, not fuel, feelings of jealousy. Agree on what is acceptable and what is not in your couple and make sure you come to mutual agreement.

4. Build trust.

Love suffocates in a relationship that lacks trust. Even in a close relationship, each partner remains entitled to personal boundaries, to personal time. Trust and freedom are the key to a strong and lasting relationship.

5. Fewer fantasies.

Stop mixing your imagination with reality and perceive everything in black and white. Believe that all is well in your relationship, and distract yourself from doubts with pleasant and useful activities, whether it’s work, movies, a walk or sports.

6. Appreciate yourself

Chase away doubts along the lines of “What if I don’t deserve him, he’s too good for me. All people are special and unique. And you are worthy of true love.

7. Ask your friends.

If you think you’re overreacting to jealousy, ask your friends for their opinion. Share how you feel and ask what they think about it. Sometimes it’s helpful to get a different perspective to see what you’re missing out on.

8. Don’t retaliate.

In the heat of jealousy, you run the risk of defecting to the “dark side” and doing things you’ll regret out of spite or resentment. Do not take revenge for his feelings, trying to arouse reciprocal jealousy – this will only make things worse. If something is bothering you, say it straight, don’t play hard to get and don’t manipulate.

9. Forget about the past

If you’ve had unfortunate experiences with your partner’s cheating in the past, don’t let past traumas ruin what you have now. Your new partner is not connected to what came before and is not responsible for the mistakes of others. It’s not fair to put him or her on the same level as the people who once hurt you. Focus on your current relationship.

10. Just love.

Instead of looking for reasons to be suspicious, just feel free to show your love. Say words of encouragement and love to your partner, surprise and delight each other, be honest, don’t manipulate. This is what strengthens the bond.

How to stop being jealous of your loved one: recommendations from psychologists

Reasons for jealousy can be objective, when a partner gives a reason and is noticed in close communication with members of the opposite sex, and subjective, when they are associated with low self-esteem of the person. In small quantities, this feeling can favorably affect relationships, give them zest and passion, and strengthen the union. When jealousy becomes paranoid and frequent, it is an occasion for quarrels, scandals and alienation of loved ones from each other.

Reasons for jealousy can be objective, when a partner gives a reason and is noticed in close communication with members of the opposite sex, and subjective, when they are associated with low self-esteem of the person. In small quantities, this feeling can favorably affect relationships, give them zest and passion, and strengthen the union. When jealousy becomes paranoid and frequent, it is an occasion for quarrels, scandals and alienation of loved ones from each other.

Causes of jealousy

Feelings of jealousy can be based on objective facts, when a beloved man or woman gives a reason. The most common situations when a partner is justifiably jealous are:

  1. Communication with ex-spouses or mates. They may be bound by common children, then the problem is not as acute. If the reason for the connection is the remaining warm relationships or shared memories, then there really is cause for alarm.
  2. Increased attention to other girls or guys. This may be a particular manner of communication between the person and the opposite sex. Usually it changes as soon as he turns the search for the other half, but some continue to behave this way all their lives. The need to arouse interest in others lies in low self-esteem, disguised by openness and lack of complexes.
  3. Constant conversations and sexual fantasies about intimacy with someone else.
  4. Noticeable changes in the behavior of the chosen one, supported by evidence in the form of correspondence, strange smells, constant delays at work.

Jealousy is both unfounded and arising from the peculiarities of human psychology. It is easy to recognize, because in this case a man is jealous of everything and everyone: relatives, friends, girlfriends, colleagues, hobbies and all things that excite and bring joy to a loved one. In this case, there is a mental disorder associated with low self-esteem: it seems to the person that he is not good and interesting enough, he can be replaced, abandoned, he is afraid to lose his mate and throws real scandals over any trifle.

How to cope: psychologists’ tips

It is impossible to stop being jealous in 1 day, it takes time. Work on ourselves and relationships is conducted in several directions at once:

  1. Improves self-esteem.
  2. Established communication with the goal of maximum rapprochement and begin to trust.
  3. Thinking changes, the focus of the problem shifts from the person of the loved one to more global issues.

Work on self-esteem

Self-confidence and confidence in one’s strengths helps one get rid of jealousy. High, but adequate self-esteem allows you to feel comfortable with any interlocutor and partner, to charm and enchant him. Tips from psychologists to help you start feeling confident:

To be attractive, you need to:

  • Control your weight and physical fitness by exercising regularly and eating right;
  • Care for your skin and hair;
  • Keep your teeth healthy;
  • dress neatly and stylishly.

Simple ways to develop:

  • Read a lot to expand your active vocabulary;
  • communicate often with different interesting people to develop communication skills;
  • Doing something interesting, constantly changing or adding hobbies to broaden my horizons;
  • master new professions or specializations;
  • to get out of the comfort zone with the help of extreme activities, to achieve new goals to overcome fears and to become stronger

Psychologists are unanimous in the opinion that all people judge others by themselves. Therefore, more often jealous of those who themselves were thinking about having an affair on the side. If the relationship began with the betrayal of one of the partners in the past man or woman with the current favorite, the latter is also likely to be jealous of his mate, whom he stole, remembering the conditions under which their feelings began.

Communicating with a loved one

Fighting jealousy by not trusting your loved one is absolutely useless. The imagination of a person who does not know for sure the answers to the questions of interest, is able to draw terrible pictures and believe in them. The easiest way to be sure of your partner’s loyalty is to get to know him and open up to him constantly.

Trust is born where there is:

  • Constant sincere communication;
  • mutual understanding;
  • support and help in times of need;
  • common goals;
  • acceptance of the other as he or she is.

If all of these components of a healthy relationship are established, then there is no need to cope with jealousy – it will be gone forever, because lovers will not care about it – they will be busy getting to know each other and trying to make the union stronger. The secret of the psychology of relationships is that before you get something, you need to give it away and show by example what kind of attitude you want.

Useful tips to help you trust:

  • the sandwiches were very good;
  • I am very bored and looking forward to the evening;
  • looked at your sweater, look and if you like it, choose a color;
  • don’t forget to buy wine; we’re going to relax tonight;
  • it was a great night;
  • I never thought love was so great before, thank you for showing me that.

This leads to jealousy for 2 reasons:

  • The person is judging himself/herself;
  • one is concerned why one is not being opened to one’s soul and suspects that it is being opened to another
  • Is everything okay with you? What would you like to change about me or the relationship?
  • What are you worried about?
  • What are you dreaming about?
  • Why have you become coarse, cold, or nervous? Is it my fault?
  • How can I help you?
  • I want to share information with you, but I’m not sure of your reaction;
  • I don’t want to quarrel and I’ll tell you without the intent to offend or hurt you;
  • information as it is;
  • I’m sorry if it makes you uncomfortable to hear this, but I don’t want to cheat because I love, appreciate and respect you and the sincerity between us
  • Try to take on household chores as much as possible to relieve your partner.
  • Make pleasant surprises: breakfast or coffee in bed, a delicious dinner, a sandwich for work.
  • Taking care of your neighbor when he or she is sick.
  • To give gifts.
  • Listen to your partner’s point of view.
  • Respect his opinion, even if it does not coincide with his own.
  • Appreciate individuality and originality of a partner
  • Hug to meet and part.
  • Hug to support the person in difficult moments – it is much more effective than criticizing and pointing out faults.
  • Give each other massages.
  • Walk by holding hands.

Accepting the individuality of your partner, it is important to remember about your own exclusivity. It is extremely not recommended to compare yourself with your exes or with someone from your loved one’s current environment.

Often people try to find someone on the side if they lack something in their current partner or there is tension between them.

If you constantly try to improve the quality of the relationship, always consider the interests and characteristics of your partner, using the above recommendations, you will be able to remove unhealthy jealousy and quarrels that arise because of it.

Change of mind and control of emotions

A person who can not not be jealous, usually fixated on the behavior of his mate and looking for evidence of adultery. To suppress jealousy, you need to start thinking more broadly and in addition to the actions of the chosen one to focus on:

  • their own achievements;
  • Joint goals: domestic, material, spiritual;
  • Interesting events that are happening in life: the development of children, travel, emerging opportunities;
  • positive qualities of a loved one and others;
  • ways to make the relationship stronger and more comfortable.

It is very important to learn and be able to spend leisure time separately: with friends, relatives, new acquaintances. All people need the freedom and give it to each other must. It is important to behave with dignity and not give cause for jealousy. Further judging by yourself to realize that if one of the partners does not do anything wrong and dangerous to the relationship, then the other is very likely to do the same.

Suppress a surge of negative emotions caused by jealousy of your husband or wife, will help the following algorithm of action:

  1. Mentally count to 10 with your eyes closed.
  2. Answer yourself the questions: “Do I have reason to doubt my soulmate’s faithfulness?”, “Is everything okay in our life together?”, “What could be my fault?”, “Is there enough love and warmth from each other?”, “Is each partner getting what they need from this relationship?”, “Are men and women happy?”
  3. Recall why and how the relationship began, what attracts and what the person you love appreciates. Make sure that he loves and mentally give examples of his behavior that prove this fact.
  4. Sincerely admit to your loved one that jealousy has arisen and explain why.
  5. Listen to his opinion or explanation of the situation.
  6. Calmly and friendly ask in the future not to provoke such emotions.
  7. Work on yourself: increase self-esteem, put into the relationship everything you can to make them stronger.

If these tips and recommendations can not help cope with jealousy, the couple can seek help from a family psychologist or psychotherapist. Specialist will help to understand the situation, raise self-esteem, learn to trust each other and control emotions.

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