How to save a marriage?

15 psychologist tips on how to keep a family – in simple words

What if in your family came a black streak? And you are increasingly thinking about divorce. Former love and idyll turned into mutual recriminations and scandals. How to change things? Read 15 tips from a psychologist, how to save the family and learn how to fix everything.

In the 21st century, 80% of all marriages break up. And every year this figure is increasing. Why does this happen? A husband or wife who decides to divorce has high hopes for a new successful relationship. But in most cases, history tends to repeat itself. The fact is that the main reason a relationship breaks down is a lack of understanding of how to keep the family together.

Most of the couples believe that it is impossible to destroy a strong relationship. And if you can’t keep the love, then it’s the wrong person. But this is not the case. Any relationship needs work. And reasons for divorce appear in absolutely all couples.

What Kills Love?

All families face this obstacle sooner or later. Every day the same thing, in a word, endless everyday life leads to boredom. And sometimes depression. As a result, one or both partners come to the conclusion that it can no longer go on. And not finding another way out in a hurry to get out of this circle.

If the spouses do not listen to each other’s opinion, the union will not last long.

All the time to meet the expectations of the other half is impossible. It is important to learn to accept the shortcomings and weaknesses of your partner. If this does not happen, resentments and disappointments will accumulate like a snowball. As a consequence, trust will be lost, communication will be less and less frank, there will be quarrels.

If partners entered into a marriage without achieving material stability, this can be a serious reason for divorce. Loans, debts, living together with parents are all resulting circumstances of financial difficulties. All this puts a lot of pressure on the nerves, causes a lot of arguments and conflicts. And in many cases it ends in divorce.

It happens that the wife dreams of a career, and her husband would like to see her as a housewife. Or vice versa. There are also many other inconsistencies: how to raise children, how to distribute responsibilities, how to spend joint leisure. No matter how hard you try, it will be difficult for the husband and wife to agree in such a situation.

Specific causes of adultery in the family can be many. Most often spouses cheat because of dissatisfaction with family life. On the side of the partner is looking for the missing emotion. Of course, there are cases where a couple manages to save the marriage after cheating. If not engaged in the work of correcting mistakes, most likely divorce is not avoided.

Serious difficulties can arise when no one expects them or by deliberate plan. For example, the birth of children, serious illness, bankruptcy, business failures. It is quite possible that one of the partners is not ready to go through with it no matter what.

  • Psychological abuse or deviance

Alcoholism, tyranny are problems in the family that are not easy to come to terms with. Still, wives can often endure years of abuse from their husbands. But, as a rule, in the end, the woman still finds the strength and files for divorce.

If we summarize all of the above, we can say that the underlying cause of divorce in modern times is psychological unpreparedness for family life. There is a tendency to change partners like gloves. Both men and women have the same tendency to change partners.

The illusion of great choice is to blame. Divorce is no longer seen as something reprehensible. Few people can admit that the real cause of a failed marriage is in them. Virtually any family can be prevented from falling apart if you know how to save the relationship.

What is the root of all evil?

When both spouses understand the significance and importance of the family relationship, only then is a strong marital union possible. They have a mature consciousness, accepting that happiness is where there is unselfish service to a loved one. They know how to be responsible not only for themselves, but also for the person they love.

Sadly, there are fewer and fewer such couples. Incomplete families are not uncommon these days. And young people are used to creating frivolous relationships that don’t commit to anything. There is no concept among modern boys and girls that family ties are built on patience and caring for the other half.

15 useful tips for women

  • Start with yourself How to keep your family for years to come? Start by working on yourself. Trying to change your partner is useless. This will only cause additional negativity. Take the first step, set an example, how to build harmony in the relationship. And you will see how your spouse will not remain indifferent to it, and also begin to make reciprocal efforts.

We consulted a young married couple. The problem was a frequent quarrels. They had been married for four years. After meeting them and communicating with them for a short time, it became clear that the feelings between them were strong. That is why the following “treatment” was prescribed: every day to tell each other about their feelings, and addressing each time to add “beloved”, “beloved.

  • Praise Men are very fond of being respected and praised. Therefore, this should be used for the common good. There are families where the wife earns more or has a higher position than the husband. In such a situation, too, in no way behave in a patronizing way. If you care about your spouse, and the attitude should be appropriate.
  • Do not humiliate

This follows from the previous point. Never get to the point of personality. Even if you are very angry, do not reproach your husband for his shortcomings. Don’t use derogatory and insulting adjectives. This will not create a warm relationship, and it will not help the husband to cope with his problems.

Case study:

Very often in families where a man is addicted to alcohol, his wife does not respect him and acts as a mother. The husband drinks in order to get away from pesky reproaches that he earns little, is worthless, can not succeed, etc. So many families came to us for counseling with these problems.

It all lies in behavior. How can there be happiness in the family if the wife is only busy “nagging” from morning till night? Is there a desire to such a spouse to run off with all the legs from work with a bouquet of flowers? Better to stay with friends and miss a bottle of beer, and maybe not one …

  • Let freedom Do not forget that everyone needs personal space and at times an opportunity to be alone or relax in company without you. It’s also good for you. Use this time wisely. Go to a spa or spend time with a friend. Do not be afraid to let your loved one go. Trust is what holds a union together.

Is it worth it to keep the family?

Very often women are indecisive and do not know whether they should divorce or whether it is better to keep the family. As a rule, the background of this is a variety of reasons for and against. Let’s look at the main ones.

  • For the sake of the children For some reason, many women feel obligated to preserve the bonds of marriage for the sake of the child. But if that’s the only pros, it’s not worth it. After all, children can only be happy in a full and loving family.And if the parents do not have feelings for each other, or worse, experience mutual hatred, it naturally will not go unnoticed. And no one in this situation will win. The child will feel obligated. And he will not get a good example of family relationships. In the end everyone will be unhappy.
  • All the more reason to break up the marriage as soon as possible, if the reason is the inadequate behavior of the spouse. Drunkenness or physical, psychological abuse. If the husband does not want to reform, then life with such a father will only harm your child. Case study:

This is a very ugly story, but nevertheless, it well shows the mistakes of women. A woman in her 20s came to us for a consultation. The problem was in creating a relationship and low self-esteem. It turned out that the girl grew up in a family where her father regularly got drunk and beat her and her mother.

After her husband cheated on her

Approximately 80% of families break up because of adultery after 2-3 years of marriage. What should a woman do if her beloved spouse cheated?

There is a category of women who no way they are not ready to forgive the betrayal. And this is their right. It is true, in order to create a new relationship is worth to think seriously about what pushed your partner to treason. In other words, what he lacked in marriage? Indifference, coldness, lack of support – all these reasons for going to the side.

If you do not change their behavior, and with a new man, the result will be the same. The same applies if you decide to forgive, but have not worked through their mistakes.

Specific actions, advice from a psychologist

If no matter what you feel a strong attachment and are ready to fight for your happiness, then read on.

1) Important points are:

– Does the cheater repent of what happened? – Did the event happen once or was it multiple times? – What does the other one mean to him? Is it just a crush or does he have feelings? – Does he still have love for you?

All of this needs to be found out in a frank conversation, no matter how painful it may be.

2) If your spouse is sorry for what happened, still loves you and wants to restore the relationship, you can give it a chance. But in this case, you will succeed and reunite the family if you can forgive your husband to the end.

Forget about what happened, and do not reproach him under any circumstances. Because the constant barbs about his infidelity will not contribute to the harmonization of relations. If you do not let go of the situation, you will be very difficult to be around.

3) For the first time it will be good to get away from everything, take a vacation and go far away from home and loved ones. You will have a chance to think things over and come to your senses.

4) Stay calm and positive thinking. This is the only way to get through this pain. Take the cheating – just as a sign that a change is needed. There are many examples of couples who have managed to become even closer and deepen their relationship after one spouse’s infidelity. And your couple is no different. You can improve your marriage in the same way.

5) Once again talk to your husband frankly. – Find out everything he is not happy about. – Describe your wishes as well. – Talk about how you can fix it. – Tell him how much he’s hurt you. – Take a promise that it won’t happen again. – Make a clean slate.

So now you have a complete guide to keeping your family together. Start applying them and you’ll see the results of your efforts. The main thing is not to give up and fight for your happiness.

Be that as it may, as practice shows, it is difficult for a couple to solve their problems alone. There is a lack of help and support from an experienced specialist, someone who will give professional and unbiased advice.

If you want to improve your relationships in the family for a shorter period and without much stress, we will be happy to see you at our online psychologist consultation! Together we will conduct an individual analysis of your specific situation. And we will find the most correct ways of solving it. With this approach to the case, you are destined for success!

How to save the family: psychologists tips for men and women

A happy marriage depends not on how compatible you are, but on how you cope with your differences.

Divorce has become something usual and ordinary for us. A lot of couples who seemed perfect yesterday are breaking up. Society is more tolerant of divorce, no one is whispering behind your back or giving you a judgmental look.

But maybe you shouldn’t cut everything off? What if, after a crisis period, your family will be even stronger, and feelings burst with double force? I will tell you how to save the family and build a warm relationship.

Reasons for separation.

Before we look for ways to preserve the marital union, let’s look at the main reasons why marriages break up. Most of them would not have led to such disastrous consequences if they had been spotted and talked about early on.

After all, dissatisfaction with family life does not occur suddenly, it gradually grows until it reaches the boiling point.

Cheating

More often than not, men go to the left. They even try to justify their behavior by saying that men are by nature polygamous and can not for the whole life be faithful to one woman. But this is all excuses, it’s just the representatives of the stronger sex is difficult to admit their guilt and confirm that their unwillingness to establish contact and to understand the current relationship has led to the sad consequences.

Save the family after adultery is difficult, but everything is possible. It will take a long and tedious work on yourself and your attitude towards your partner.

However, do not blame only men for the betrayal. Women are also looking for comfort on the side and successfully find it.

More about how to forgive infidelity told in the video:

Material difficulties

Not all couples pass the test of poverty. Some break up because they cannot live through a period of material hardship with dignity. And such moments have to endure almost every couple, especially at the beginning of the family journey.

Just enduring and waiting for things to suddenly get better and the income to grow is not an option. You need to develop a plan, to look for ways to evolve in the circumstances.

Sometimes one of the partners considers the material situation in the family normal and does not understand the dissatisfaction of the other half. There will only help long talk about the meaning of life, further joint plans. Accusations are certainly not an option, learn to justify your position, and not just attack.

Frequent quarrels, conflicts

When we get into a relationship, we turn a blind eye to our partner’s shortcomings. The brain in love does not realize that the person we love may be cruel, demanding, or, on the contrary, passive. We imagine the qualities that our ideal partner should have and go down the aisle with this mythical character.

But in marriage all illusions are dispelled, and in front of us there is a real person with his flaws and bad habits. Conflicts and scandals arise against the background of dissatisfaction with the discrepancy between the real and ideal images.

Sometimes a person really changes in terms of living together and out come the qualities that were not present before.

Life circumstances

All families go through life situations and circumstances that force them out of their comfort zone. Some are unable to adequately deal with the birth of a child and the related difficulties, while other couples are separated because of the forced separation due to the work of one of the spouses in another city or country.

What to say, even a trivial repair can cause a divorce. But life is multifaceted, we have to adapt to different moments and situations. Well-coordinated joint work on the relationship, the search for compromise will help to pass the test with dignity and not to file for divorce.

Loss of tender feelings

Passion, love fades with time. They are replaced by deeper and more mature feelings. But this is not always the case. And you have to spend the rest of your life with a person whom you do not love, and sometimes he is even annoying.

However, it is possible to restore the former feelings, they could not evaporate without trace. Only for this will have to work hard, and you two.

Tips husband on the preservation of the family

Women’s and men’s strategies in marriage are different. Therefore, I divided the list of tips into two categories: for men and for women.

The male sex is called strong for a reason. Only in a couple with a decent man, a woman can fully relax and open up, leaning on a companion. But how to become the most desirable partner for a spouse and to prevent divorce? I will tell you.

Be a breadwinner.

The main part of the income in the family should provide the husband. Of course, not everyone can be a millionaire. But your salary should cover the basic needs of the family.

Develop, look for new ways to earn money. Believe me, your wife’s attitude will change as soon as she notices your aspirations and fighting spirit.

Do not forget the romance

Do not lose sincere feelings in pursuit of material wealth. Keep the fire of love, tenderness and passion in the family.

When was the last time you were alone on a date, without kids, buddies? Make amends, take your wife out to dinner. Give her a nice gift and flowers. Just like that, for no reason. The payback will not be long in coming.

Help with household chores

Distribute household chores, a woman does not have to pull everything on herself. She also wants to lie down after a busy day, and not mopping the kitchen floor.

Do not consider housework as something unworthy of you. The fact that you wash the dishes in the evening, you do not cease to be a man. But sincere gratitude to his wife certainly deserve it.

Acknowledge your own shortcomings and mistakes.

Accusations and charges, uttered in the heat of a quarrel, it’s hard to adequately perceive. We do not want to believe what was said, and all you heard men would prefer to consider hysterical delirium wife.

Think about your behavior. It is likely that all the accusations are justified, and you are not ideal at all. Realizing the error, you will take the first step toward correcting it.

Spend time with your family.

Sometimes men do not find a few hours to spend time together with his wife and children. Although going fishing, playing soccer, hanging out with friends and weekends are not sorry.

Joint travel, walks, romantic dinners are very rapprochement. If you care about the family, do not ignore your spouse, try as much as possible to spend time together.

Tips for women

Keeper of the home, a caring mother, a hostess. That should have been an ideal wife a century ago. But times are changing, now women on a par with men are realized in their careers and do not plan to spend their lives in the kitchen with pots.

The wife’s task is not to lose her femininity and to be a support and an inspiration to her husband, not a competitor. Not everyone can do it, but it’s real.

Take care of yourself

No matter how many years you have been married, do not relax and spit on your reflection in the mirror. Overweight, unkempt hair, untidy clothes do not play into your hands.

It’s not even in the aesthetic component, because the appearance affects the confidence and self-perception. With a beautiful and confident woman you want to be near.

Do not immerse yourself with the head into the life.

Housekeeping is a good quality, but everything must be in moderation. The wife should be able to carry on a conversation, have her own interests and hobbies.

The family will somehow survive without a freshly cooked breakfast, but the exhausted limited wife will not cause her husband positive emotions.

Don’t criticize your husband.

Criticism, humiliation, ridicule exactly will not save the marriage. Pull yourself together and try to think constructively. Write on a sheet of paper everything that displeases you in your partner. Consider what you wrote can and should be changed, and what is not critical.

Express all the claims in the correct form, and offer a way out of the current circumstances. You will be surprised how the reaction of your husband will change in a calm conversation.

Plan for the preservation of the family

If you are determined to save the relationship and ready to compromise, offer the following plan, all steps which are aimed at the return of old feelings.

  1. Determine a trial period. Agree that for a certain period of time you are ready to change the relationship in the family. If this does not help, divorce will follow. It takes 1-2 months to realize that feelings are alive and the marriage can be saved.
  2. Find new common interests. Spending time together will help you look at your partner in a new way and get closer to him. This can be anything: fishing, swimming pool, dancing.
  3. Talk to your spouse. Spend your evenings not in front of the TV or with your smartphone. Play light music and talk, talk about everything. Heart to heart talk will revive feelings.
  4. Have sex. Sexual intercourse is an important part of marriage. Dissatisfaction with this area of life just pushes in search of new partners and sensations. Only everything should be by mutual consent, do not push with authority and insist on rejection.

When divorce is the only way out

In some circumstances, you shouldn’t even try to save the relationship. Divorce is the only possible course of action.

  1. The partner uses physical force, is aggressive. Hitting does not mean he loves you. If you want to preserve your physical and moral health, dissolve the marriage as early as possible.
  2. One spouse suffers from addiction. It is impossible to cure an alcoholic, a drug addict, or a gambling addict without his or her desire. You will spend energy, energy, health, time on the rescue, but you may not get the result.
  3. Different views on fundamental issues. If your partner does not want to have children, and for you it is very important, you should not expect that he will change his mind. It is likely that this may not happen, and you will lose precious time. This applies only to matters of principle and vital issues, you should not divorce because of different food preferences, look for compromises.

Conclusion

Do not get hot, try to do everything possible to avoid divorce. I told you how to keep the family, but to use these tips or not – it is up to you to decide.

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