How to restore the relationship with a man?

7 ways to rebuild a relationship

You began to notice that at some point your partner became distant, cold and withdrawn? This often happens, and do not indulge in panic. There are ways that really help to fix the relationship and return to them warmth and intimacy.

It is very sad to be in a relationship and from a certain point to stop feeling the emotional return of the partner. This causes feelings of depression, loneliness and can even lead to depression. How to continue such a relationship? What’s the point in them if you feel the poorly concealed neglect and indifference of your partner? If the spiritual connection is lost, is it still possible to return to the relationship? How to overcome feelings of loneliness and hopelessness?

How to return the spiritual closeness in the relationship

Neither men nor women are immune from such emotional distress. However, the man is more often the initiator of the breakup.

Your responsibility for your partner’s departure

Significant progress in overcoming the difficult situation of alienation will be your question: “Why do I tend to blame others for their inability to give me what I want?” Psychologists say it’s many times easier to change yourself than it is to encourage someone else to change. But there is a feedback loop: your personal change in a relationship should cause a response in your partner’s personality.

Something to think about:

  • You’re still touching on topics that aren’t of interest to your partner. If certain episodes in your life that you seek to share do not get his attention and he has already told you about it repeatedly, then you are not making appropriate conclusions. You test your hopes and aspirations over and over again, longing to see his interest, but exclusively causing him to tire.
  • You keep coming back to questions that make your partner nervous. If you become endlessly repetitive, then the partner will be elementary to avoid such a conversation. It follows that before the conversation it makes sense to ask yourself the question: “The lack of initiative on his part – it is a fear of facing the problem again, which he does not want to do?”
  • Your efforts to change his views (financial, political, religious, domestic, etc.) cause him a negative reaction, but you are also unwilling to adapt to his values and worldview.
  • Men tend to avoid conflict, they do not want to get into an argument. And you know very well that he does not like to discuss things that lead to emotional distress. The question is: Why continue the discussion in such a case?
  • Are you in the habit of interrupting or broadcasting your thoughts to your partner’s person? Or do you not want to hear his explanation? And who likes it when others don’t allow you to express your thoughts? In case your partner becomes more and more withdrawn with each subsequent dialogue after your appeals, then ask yourself, maybe your behavior is intrusive?

How do you bridge the gap in a relationship?

The start to the establishment of an emotional microclimate between partners is the search for the reasons that caused the divergence of interests and increasing aloofness.

Here are practical recommendations that will help increase the chance of adequately discussing an existing dysfunctional relationship with your partner in order to remedy the situation:

1. Invite your partner to make a concerted effort in this direction to figure out what went wrong and when. Make it clear that you really miss the former relationship that began to lose harmony and mutual understanding. Demonstrate tolerance and the view that the difference in the perception of problems – not a reason to prolong the conflict and stand on principle.

2. it makes sense to realize your personal responsibility from the joint relationship, perhaps your point of view goes against his understanding of the particular issue. Or you have given great importance to your opinion. Be critical of your own mistakes.

3. Try to show genuine attention to his problems, but do not expect the problem to be solved by magic. Expected change implies additional time for your partner to reconsider his or her position on a particular issue. The partner should feel the security of the current relationship, refuse any kind of pressure and coercion, accepting the unhurried pace of escalation of the conflict.

4. Don’t let the dialogue deviate from the burning issue. If communication moves in the wrong direction and becomes provocative and heated, the issue at hand is probably not ready for discussion. Take a “time out” to establish what is called emotional neutrality.

5. Try to understand and “enter” your partner’s state of mind.

He may be experiencing internal problems that you don’t know about. Do not criticize his arguments. It is believed that women are more susceptible to empathy than men. And if your partner understands that you understand the reasons for his temporary isolation, it is likely that his aspirations will meet your urges to restore the former intimacy. Feeling a sense of friendly support will have a positive effect on restoring the relationship.

6. Work methodically towards strengthening the relationship.

If at this stage you do not share common topics for conversation, remember the old interests that acted as a “bridge” between you in the past. Diversify the intimate sphere, put a fresh note in everyday life. Do not forget that the partnership is based on “three pillars”: physical, mental and emotional.

7. Identify the sources of anger and resentment that are possible between you.

The desire to normalize the relationship should be mutual. And as long as your partner is (at least a little) interested in the relationship, his/her adequate response will be reciprocation to the attention shown on your part.

Not every relationship can be returned. If your relationship is really exhausted, it may make sense to accept reality as it is, and stop communicating, not bringing either of you joy.published by

P.S. And remember, just changing our consciousness – together we change the world! © econet

How to get love back, if it seems that she left. Five tips from a psychologist

Where do feelings disappear after the end of the “adjustment” period? Why does the fire that flared up in your heart at the sight of your beloved fade? How to deal with the fact that in a relationship at the same time want both security and novelty? We used to think that intimacy either happens by itself, or “not destiny. Is it so? Psychologist Irina Ivanova describes the stages of increase and decrease of warm feelings in a pair. And gives recommendations on how to restore lost intimacy.

Psychologist Irina Ivanova describes the stages of increase and decrease of warm feelings in a couple. And gives recommendations on how to restore lost intimacy.

Irina Ivanova – Director of the Center for methodological support psychologists “Path to Mastery” master of psychology, certified imago-therapist, an expert in the field of relationships.

The beginning of a relationship. Who and why we choose

A relationship between a man and a woman begins with interest. I see a man, I don’t know who he is, and it’s important for me to get close in order to find out. In his presence I suddenly begin to feel different.

Many people try to explain why we choose who we choose. Psychoanalytic theory says that we travel through life with a list in the unconscious, what qualities should have a close person for our “happy life” with him. When we meet such a person, something inside us seems to say, “Come, come, they’ll give us lots of goodies.

Of course, this is an unconscious choice. It is not a social benchmark of attractiveness – what kind of family he is from, with what education and prospects. It often happens that the soul for some reason does not lie to the positive in all respects, and for “this bully” is ready to run to the edge of the world. And there is no point here in conscious reasoning. As a rule, the bullies are attracted to the excellent and good girls who have always obeyed the rules. With obedient girls there was no trouble, and according to the laws of the movement toward wholeness, as a pair she will look for… who? Yes, that kind of troublemaker, a rebel. It’s like there’s a balance in the universe. Children of such couple are in a favorable position: all variants of possibilities are available, there is a lot to choose from.

The stage of romantic love.

This is the period when we are just getting into a romantic relationship. There is no certainty or reliability yet, but there is a desire to be with the person as often as possible. At this stage, it’s as if we are attuned to each other, many things are just guessing.

“Lingering marathon,” or comfort stage

The newness of the relationship gradually flattens out, and the feeling of love becomes calmer, more settled. The degree of intensity of emotions also decreases. It is no longer necessary to overcome the distance. A close person is relatively always near, it is available. We treat each other with care, warmth and love.

Gradually we stop directing our attention to the other person and looking at what is wrong with them. We get used to him. And… resentments begin to build up inside. Everything seems right, but something is missing. Tension builds up. At first, it will probably be discharged on something or someone. Someone will run to the gym, someone will yell at the cat. The feeling of dissatisfaction is there, but there is no understanding of what caused it.

The stage of conflict, or forceful confrontation

The more tension and resentment – the harder it is to talk to each other, the louder I have to shout to be heard. But! The louder I yell, the higher my partner raises his protective armor, the louder I have to yell.

Avoidance stage.

Then we prefer not to communicate or communicate as little as possible.

The cooling down stage

People may not talk to each other for months. It is especially difficult for children during this period. The couple may continue to have common finances, household chores, but there is no emotional closeness anymore. There is a growing sense of loneliness. The need for closeness is not satisfied. There is a risk of having a third person.

If at this stage we choose to take steps towards clearing up the situation – then there is a chance to restore the relationship.

The challenge is to regain a sense of intimacy.

Given: two people who live under the same roof, as neighbors. They have a joint household, they probably have children. But between them there is a transparent wall.

The challenge: to bring back a sense of intimacy. To create a relationship in which it would be possible to experience the very feelings that were at the start.

Back then, at the time of first falling in love, it was a gift of nature. Hardly any of us worked on purpose to fall in love. We simply enjoyed the feeling of intimacy. We perceived feelings as something happening apart from our will. Although it is based on our unconscious mind’s decision that this particular object is ideal for living together and continuing the lineage. Then the “continuation of the lineage” program is activated, which lasts for about three years. What is this time for? For us to start trusting each other, to get closer to each other, to conceive a child and raise it to its first confident steps. The further fate of the couple’s evolution is indifferent.

The solution to the problem: We will need two people’s ideas about how their lives should be arranged. And then we will try to build a dialogue.

Three layers of ideas about the order of life

A man enters marriage with his own ideas about the marital relationship. To make sense of this, let’s list what influences these perceptions.

  1. Cultural layer. The Russian culture has a very strong predisposition to suffering and sacrifice in close relationships. Everything is for others. This attitude, transmitted from generation to generation, becomes a source of co-dependency: when all my attention is directed at the other, I see neither him nor myself. And if the time comes to point out what I myself need, I have nothing to respond to. In Russian culture, to love is to come so close as to perform a feat of self-sacrifice. Part of the reason that intimacy leaves a relationship is precisely due to the lack of distance between us, to forgetting our needs, to the “to love is to pity” attitude.
  2. The birth story . It records all the variations of the norm that have been passed down from generation to generation and confidently incorporated into our subconscious.
  3. Family culture . This is what we observed between our dad and mom. How they talked to each other, what rituals they had, how they showed their feelings and care.

All of this translates into a conflict of perceptions. At the level of information, you and I know a lot, much more than the generations before us knew: the Internet, social media… We know that we need to talk to each other, respect boundaries, make decisions together, give support… To figure out how to spend time, give compliments, give thanks… What prevents us from using this knowledge in practice?

The fact is that habits are stronger than knowledge.

Our parents were faced with the challenge of survival, primarily to feed, clothe, and educate their family. We are now moving from a point of much greater well-being. We as a generation are well enough to meet the new challenges at the relationship level – to maintain interest and trust in each other.

How to rebuild relationships

1. Breaking the merger

The most important thing is to discover that there are two in the relationship, me and the other. We are separate individuals: from the realization of this comes freedom and harmony in this freedom. We need to see where that boundary lies. What each of us wants. Our culture has not developed the ability to put ourselves in the other person’s shoes. There is no attention to emotional intelligence. Of course, this affects our ability to hear our loved one.

It’s important to check for a symbiotic merger with a partner? The idea that we will do everything together comes from a childhood desire to never be separated from Mom. Our goal is to create a relationship in which there is me, there is him, and there is a distance that allows us to observe the tension between us, but also to take an interest in each other. When I stand too close, it’s as if I already know everything.

2. Restore trust.

As soon as a partner stops fulfilling a commitment – and we’re all imperfect and can’t “reach for the stars” – trust disappears. And since I can’t trust this person, someone else is needed. The main problem with the disappearance of intimacy and warmth in a couple is precisely the loss of trust.

I have my picture of the world, and when you say something that does not fit into this picture of the world, I begin to attack. Why? So that you think what I think. What happens if you start thinking the same way? On the one hand, I will feel satisfied. On the other, I’ll feel like I’ve eaten you up and I need someone else. I will lose interest in you.

Let the other be different from you! The couple’s healing process always starts from a point of safety: I’m willing to listen without criticizing or judging. “Yes, you have the right to do so-and-so.”

3. Making a new commitment

Restoring trust in the couple comes with making a new commitment. It may be necessary to revise the relationship. I’m not the same person I was in the relationship anymore. The partner is no longer the same. But we can still see the meaning of moving together.

4. Building dialogue as a couple.

The best tool for clarifying all the difficult issues is dialogue as a couple. Let’s start by making sure: we hear each other without having to turn to shouting. Next, if we’re talking, I put aside all my business, thoughts, interpretations-and listen to the person about what they’re talking about. The easiest way to confirm to him that I heard him: to repeat his words. This already allows me to put myself in his place. I am like a good mirror for him, returning his words and checking if I have accurately understood what was said. Even at this point, magical changes in the couple begin to happen. After all, one of the main problems is that one says a lot and the other says little. Usually the woman says a lot and the man says little, but it can be the other way around. Our job is to equalize this. Our task is to connect the two separate units.

It is important to recognize that the partner has the right to think the way he thinks. Not to ridicule him, not to argue, not to condemn him.

In this way we create a safe space for each other. This is what makes it possible to open up.

The task of everyone in the couple is to see the sense that lies in the actions of the partner. An important tool of dialogue: make an assumption about your partner’s feelings. “When you tell me that, you’re probably worried.” “You’re probably angry about this and that.” All of these tools: active listening, “mirroring,” naming feelings – contribute to building a constructive dialogue.

We listen for so long until we understand the feelings that guide their experience. Often the very opportunity to hear your loved one and to understand that you are also heard relieves tension. Of course, building such a dialogue takes time and attention.

5. Maintaining a balance in working on problems

It is very important to maintain a balance – to work not only on the negativity in the couple, but also to pay attention to the positives. For example, expressing gratitude to each other. Going somewhere together, having good times together. When we talk about what was once wonderful – we feel a boost of energy. When we are full, we talk to our partner gently, tenderly, gently.

The most important experiences are born in dialogue: I exist for you, you see me, you respond to me, I feel both safe and adventurous around you.

What obstacles can a couple encounter on the road to restoring intimacy?

Childhood traumas. It’s as if we choose a partner so that we can relive all those feelings that caused us so much pain as children. To relive and finally heal.

Aggression. It’s triggered by expectations of life together that don’t match. How do you spend your weekends? Who does the parenting? How do we divide responsibilities if we both work? What family traditions will we have? All of these things need to be discussed.

Fear. Especially the fear of failure, of another failure.

Shame. It’s the equivalent of social death. “I’ll be abandoned, I’ll be judged.” “What will loved ones say if they find out we have problems in the family.”

What will help us get on a confident path of rebuilding relationships?

The path of intentionality. Conscious daily gratitude, compliments, verbal stroking. War is war, but gratitude is on a schedule! This is how we learn gentle and supportive communication. This skill is also very useful for those who break up but remain parents of common children.

Way to be spontaneous. At first it looks artificial, fake, but allow yourself to feel the fruits. How do you feel when your partner hugs you and says nice words, albeit on a schedule?

We may think at first that a relationship is something that happens all by itself. But after time of practice we can come to understand that a relationship is something that we consciously choose and create day in and day out.

Based on the materials of the open seminar “Paradoxes of intimacy, or Where does the love go?

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