8 ways to fall in love with your partner again
In a long relationship there is inevitably a period of alienation: family life brings boredom, the partner causes irritation, and sex turns into a routine. We remember what strong emotions we had when the relationship began, and conclude that the love is gone. At this point, some couples decide to break up, while others close their eyes to the problems, hoping that everything will somehow work itself out. But this method does not work too long – relationships require tireless work, according to psychologists. They offer eight effective ways that will help to return the former passion and keep the love for years to come.
Ammanda Major is the head of clinical practice at Relate. Couples often come to her for therapy complaining that they no longer feel in love with each other. She assures them that this is a very common problem: “In a long-term relationship to the forefront of daily worries. Without realizing it yet, the partners feel that they are drifting away from each other.”
The reasons may be different: perhaps you forgot why you fell in love with this man, or just reached the comfortable stage of the relationship, which has no place for passion. But how sensible is it to hope that the state of being in love will last for decades? Sexologist, psychotherapist in the field of personal relationships Kate Moyle says: “Love and sexual relationships change over time, but you can become very close again. However, you shouldn’t expect this area to be stable.”
But if you feel you’ve grown cold toward each other, don’t count on that to go away with time. “Nothing will change if both partners don’t work on the relationship. I often hear things like, ‘I thought/think things would work themselves out. Well, that’s not true.”
So, is it possible to bring love back into a relationship? And if so, how can you do it?
Of course, you would love to get back those glory days when you first met and could not tear yourselves away from each other. But since then, life has changed a lot. Maybe you didn’t have kids at the time, or you didn’t have to work as hard to increase your income. Over time, you discovered qualities in your partner that annoyed you, because at first you didn’t know each other very well. Here’s what Major says: “It won’t be like before, because now you know a lot more about your partner and what it’s like to live with him or her. It all depends on what you think of as falling in love. There is an opinion that falling in love helps a couple get together; when it passes, there is a deeper, more complex and richer sense of intimacy. And that doesn’t mean that partners no longer find each other cool, interesting and sexy.”
2. be interested in your partner
Look at your loved one with fresh eyes. Analyze your relationship and figure out in what situations and circumstances you were really interested in your partner. Once you understand when and why this happens, you’ll be able to pay more attention to him or her.
3. Put the relationship at the forefront
In a long-term relationship, the sense of novelty fades and is replaced by a sense of security and comfort.
“We may think of it as boring, but relationships, like many other important things, have to be worked on. Relationships have to be a priority, and you have to put working on them on your daily to-do list. If you feel the distance between you is increasing, you need to build bridges,” says Major.
4. Look at the root of it.
“If you don’t want your partner anymore, it could be due to something other than sexual problems in the relationship. Often the true cause of dissatisfaction is not at all what is being voiced,” says Major. According to Catherine Woodward Thomas, a relationship therapist, author of the term “conscious disengagement,” the cause is not the most serious or dramatic thing, but rather a minor detail that “destroys trust and a sense of unity. Very often we perceive as a lack of love small disappointments, easy rejections, small unfulfilled hopes – those moments when we count on the person and he is not there, or when we need support, but instead we get criticism from the partner. Falling in love, she says, is “the feeling of being together. One way to recover that feeling is to be able to share what’s bothering you.”
5. Talk about your needs.
Daily responsibilities or important life events, such as losing a job or caring for children and elderly parents, also affect relationships and can cause feelings to fade.
“In any relationship, there are times when you can’t give your partner as much attention as before because you have other equally important things to do. In such cases, it is useful not to close the channel of communication. It is often enough to take just a little time to show your partner that he is still important to you, that you love him and care about him. In this case, it is necessary to clearly state your needs,” says Major.
Try to allocate time to talk (do not forget to put aside the phones). You don’t have to devote a whole evening to it and turn the conversation into a full-fledged discussion – you can just take a walk or chat in the car.
“How do you get back that precious time just for two people? If you can do that, you’ll find it easier to tell your partner how important they are to you,” says Major. And Moyle advises figuring out the things you’d like to change. “Is it physical intimacy, emotional intimacy, or both? Maybe one of you will say, ‘I wish I could get a little more help from you. Could you go grocery shopping this week?” I often give couples this assignment: first they have to promise to do something and then ask for help. It’s always a matter of mutual agreement; one partner can’t do all the work.”
6. Put the emphasis on the outcome.
It can be difficult to tell a partner that feelings have cooled.
“The truth can be very painful. If you want to say something that might hurt the other person’s feelings, always try to offer options. For example: “It’s really hard for me to talk about this, but I want us to get closer, so we need to do that,” says Woodward Thomas.
If you state your positive intentions right away, you can smoothly start a difficult conversation.
7. Start now.
It’s never too late to rekindle feelings, but the sooner you start working on it, the better. If you delay this moment, you will have to deal with more problems, resentments, and negative manifestations: “It’s always better to be proactive in dealing with relationship and sex problems, but it’s very difficult for many couples because they don’t want to rock the boat.” However, there is a possibility that such conversations will not lead to the desired results. “Couples psychotherapy is not meant to save a relationship, but to help people sort out their needs and desires. Many relationships exist without intimacy, sex or love, but they can break down at any time,” Moyle states. It could be a love affair or something more routine like being late at work or being overly involved in your hobby.
8. Remember who you fell in love with.
Woodward Thomas recommends making a “gratitude list” of your partner’s strengths. This will help you “remember how hard it is to be human. We all have moments when we are vulnerable, when we need help and sympathy. But there are times when we act noble, like knights in shining armor. When your partner is going through a bad time, it’s helpful to remember the amazing qualities they possess and support them.”
Perhaps your partner has changed and is not happy about it himself. Woodward Thomas says, “I really believe that sometimes feelings cool down just because your partner has disowned himself – and you agree with him. He rejects himself, and you reject him. In that case, ask your partner what’s going on, create a comfortable environment for him to talk frankly. You know how he really is, and you can have the conversation with love and respect. You will give him the opportunity to re-create himself.”
7 ways to rebuild a relationship
Have you started to notice that at some point your partner has become distant, cold and withdrawn? This often happens, and do not indulge in panic. There are ways that can really help to fix the relationship and return to them warmth and intimacy.
It is very sad to be in a relationship and from a certain point to stop feeling the emotional return of the partner. This causes feelings of depression, loneliness and can even lead to depression. How to continue such a relationship? What’s the point in them if you feel the poorly concealed neglect and indifference of your partner? If the spiritual connection is lost, is it still possible to return to the relationship? How to overcome feelings of loneliness and hopelessness?
How to return the spiritual closeness in the relationship
Neither men nor women are immune from such emotional distress. However, the man is more often the initiator of the breakup.
Your responsibility for your partner’s departure
Significant progress in overcoming the difficult situation of alienation will be your question: “Why do I tend to blame others for their inability to give me what I want?” Psychologists say it’s many times easier to change yourself than it is to encourage someone else to change. But there is a feedback loop: your personal change in a relationship should cause a response in your partner’s personality.
Something to think about:
- You are still touching on topics that are not of interest to your partner. If certain episodes of your life that you seek to share do not attract his attention, and he has already told you about them repeatedly, you do not draw the appropriate conclusions. You test your hopes and aspirations over and over again, longing to see his interest, but solely causing him to tire.
- You keep coming back to questions that make your partner nervous. If you become endlessly repetitive, then the partner will be elementary to avoid such a conversation. It follows that before the conversation it makes sense to ask yourself the question: “The lack of initiative on his part – it is a fear of facing the problem again, which he does not want to do?”
- Your efforts to change his views (financial, political, religious, domestic, etc.) cause him to react negatively, but you are also unwilling to adapt to his values and worldview.
- Men tend to avoid conflict, they do not want to get into an argument. And you know very well that he does not like to discuss things that lead to emotional distress. The question is: Why continue the discussion in such a case?
- Are you in the habit of interrupting or broadcasting your thoughts to your partner’s person? Or do you not want to hear his explanation? And who likes it when others don’t allow you to express your thoughts? In case your partner becomes more and more withdrawn with each subsequent dialogue after your appeals, then ask yourself, maybe your behavior is intrusive?
How do you bridge the gap in a relationship?
The start to fix the emotional microclimate between partners is to find the reasons that caused the divergence of interests and increasing aloofness.
Here are practical recommendations that will help increase the chance of adequate discussion of the current dysfunctional relationship with your partner to fix the situation:
1. Invite your partner to make a concerted effort in this direction to figure out what went wrong and when. Make it clear that you really miss the former relationship that has begun to lose harmony and mutual understanding. Demonstrate tolerance and the view that the difference in the perception of problems – not a reason to prolong the conflict and stand on principle.
2. it makes sense to realize your personal responsibility from the joint relationship, perhaps your point of view goes against his understanding of the particular issue. Or you give a huge weight to your opinion. Be critical of your own mistakes.
3. Try to show genuine attention to his problems, but do not expect the problem to be solved by magic. Expected change implies additional time for your partner to reconsider his or her position on a particular issue. The partner should feel the security of the current relationship, refuse any kind of pressure and coercion, accepting the unhurried pace of escalation of the conflict.
4. Don’t let the dialogue deviate from the burning issue. If communication moves in the wrong direction and becomes provocative and heated, the issue at hand is probably not ready for discussion. Take a “time out” to establish what is called emotional neutrality.
5. Try to understand and “enter” your partner’s state of mind.
He may be experiencing internal problems that you are not aware of. Don’t criticize his arguments. Women are believed to be more empathic than men. And if your partner understands that you understand the reasons for his temporary isolation, it is likely that his aspirations will meet your urges to restore the former intimacy. Feeling a sense of friendly support will have a positive effect on restoring the relationship.
6. Work methodically towards strengthening the relationship.
If at this stage you do not share common topics for conversation, remember the old interests that acted as a “bridge” between you in the past. Diversify the intimate sphere, put a fresh note in everyday life. Do not forget that the partnership is based on “three pillars”: physical, mental and emotional.
7. Identify the sources of anger and resentment that are possible between you.
The desire to normalize the relationship should be mutual. And as long as your partner is (at least a little) interested in the relationship, his/her adequate response will be reciprocation to the attention shown on your part.
Not every relationship can be returned. If your relationship is really exhausted, it may make sense to accept reality as it is, and stop communicating, not bringing either of you joy.published by econet.ru.
P.S. And remember, just changing our consciousness – together we change the world! © econet