How to refresh the relationship with her husband, and return to old passion?
Hello, everyone. I’m in a playful mood today, so catch this!
I hope everything is working out great: you’re not tired at work of jealous coworkers who are always sticking their noses into your personal life, you’re not tired of silly fights with your husband about not noticing the perfectly cleaned apartment and fancy dinner on the table again, and of course, you do not want to hide away from the children, who now and then cry, begging for a new toy (and, never mind – Barbie doll or a new Playstation), you do not get tired, you have to be satisfied with life 24/7, otherwise it all collapses, that you built so laborious work! Is that what you think?
You’re a woman, not a robot, you’re entitled to your emotions and if you think things are going wrong, it’s time to start working on it! Not happy with your relationship with your husband? It’s a good time to make adjustments. He’s probably already forgotten how he ran after you at the beginning of the relationship. Forgotten, right?
Years have passed, now his spouse knows exactly – you’re not going anywhere and makes no difference – whether he notices the new underwear from Vasi Italiano or equates it to shapeless nightgown, which you wore after childbirth.
– What am I supposed to do? – You ask.
Read my article, that’s what! I was in the same situation, after all!
As you’ve guessed by now, today we’re going to talk about how to refresh your relationship with your husband.
First, let’s figure out, what was it like before? Think back. If your husband didn’t pay attention or help much at first, and you got married solely because of a baby or your first short-lived crush, then expecting things to change is a little wrong. But you can try. Who can stop us? Very different looks like a situation where a few years earlier your husband carried you in his arms and kissed your feet, and now he suddenly became cold. If this is the case, my advice will certainly help.
What advice is given to all women in a similar situation
Change yourself. Yes, of course, we all know that the main thing in a man is the soul, and love can see it even through the prism of unthinkable, and sometimes ugly, flaws. But I do not believe in it one hundred percent: still, a man loves with his eyes (we women like to listen, and men like to consider).
And even if a young man lives with a woman who is far from beauty standards, talks every day about love and ‘no, you didn’t get fat, dear’ he will still secretly, sometimes when his wife is away, dream of a fatal stripper who wants to tame him.
Wait a minute! No need to get upset! None of us look like the adorable Angelina Jolie or twirl on a pole like Charlize Theron (okay, there was a time when she twirled and not so much).
The main thing is to create the appearance of perfection (here it is, our secret, our weapon). And the first thing we must do:
- Change the image (If you used to be sexy and liberated, now it’s time to play a little naive virgin. Can you do that? I have no doubt you can!)
- Become more confident. Of course, many people have a hard time with this, it takes years to finally say, ‘yes, I’m a queen!’ But try, because a confident woman, even if she is not Miss Universe, chances to enchant a man a hundred times more than the complexed beauty
Touch your partner. Psychologists have confirmed: the more often spouses touch each other, the stronger their affection and, of course, the brighter the sex.
Sex, by the way, has an important role in a couple: spouses should understand that if one of them can not give his partner in sex what he needs, or he will get angry and pick on the little things in everyday life, or sooner or later will leave for another partner.
Of course, don’t grab a man by his “closest friend” for no good reason in order to strengthen your relationship (although he might like it). Better yet, take his hand, run your hand over his cheek, give him a hug, etc. Just show with touch all the tenderness you have.
Spend more time with your man, look for common interests. Do you live together but hardly see each other because each is busy with his work? Stop! Carve out at least one day for the two of you.
You know that the closer a person is on an emotional level and the more topics of conversation you have, the faster you’ll become best friends for each other again, which is definitely important in a two-person relationship. And yes, that means sharing his interests, too. So what if it’s tanks. And killing zombies is cool.
Moving on from theory to practice.
I hope you really digested the three tips above, because now you have to memorize new ones, and then try to apply them with your husband (oh-la-la!). And even if he’s still just your boyfriend, these tips are very helpful.
- Go on a date. You’ve been living together for a long time and going on a date (much less asking him out) seems like a very stupid decision. There may be some truth to that, but who cares if the way works! Go to the movies or the theater. The impressions of what you see will be shared by the two, which will be the first step to a new friendship between the spouses. A picnic in the park is not a bad solution for a date, nor is the place where you met (As long as it’s not a nightclub bathroom! Why? Anything happens!)
- Admire. No one disputes that you admire your man all the time, but maybe he doesn’t even know it! It’s important for many men to feel empowered and important. Even if your Schwarzenegger isn’t such a jock, you still need to show him that he’s the strongest for you. Yeah, I know, right now you’re freaking out and thinking, ‘why do I have to make him look like something he’s not? Let him swing so I can call him strong! You don’t have to do that, but if you want to improve the relationship, you should at least try! Tenderly ask him to open a jar of jam (even if before you regularly opened it yourself), carry packages, help him deal with this or that task, and for every task be sure to praise.
- Do not be angry if he on March 8 gave him a frying pan instead of a manicure set, which you so carefully hinted about. Still rejoice, and after a couple of days directly say that would be happy if he gave you a manicure set. (Girls, it works without fail! Shh!)
- Talk. You are frankly annoyed that he does not understand why you are offended, even though it should be obvious! You continue to keep silent in spite of the fact that your beloved has already asked ten times: “what happened? The silence is interrupted, you proudly answer: “Nothing. And you wait for an apology. And he, taking the answer as truth, turn on the TV. It seems true, right? With men, the ‘guess-it-yourself’ method, alas, does not work. And it’s not because the husband’s so bad – he guessed, but he won’t apologise. No. He really does not understand what is wrong. A frank conversation will not only solve most of the problems between you, but it will bring you closer. Just please talk calmly, otherwise the man will not listen to the claims, I’m telling you.
- Make a gift. That men are indifferent to gifts is as much a myth as the fact that women don’t like sex. Indifferent! Not at all! Even a small symbolic gift will improve his mood. Even if he does not show it, but certainly will be glad, because men are like children. Buy him something that he has dreamed about for a long time, with an obvious feature – a funny phrase or a thing that means a lot to the two of you
- Get some pictures. You’ve already forgotten how much you’ve overcome and endured together. Get nostalgic. Open up the pictures, remember the stories that happened to you
- Get a massage. Massage is a good way to relax, as well as to feel a special connection with your partner. It’s no secret that a good massage brings a lot of pleasure for the one who gets it, and even if you do not know any special techniques, a pleasant touch and stroke your partner will certainly appreciate
- Sex. Well, in sex there’s plenty of room for experimentation! Even if you’re already good at it: practicing new techniques and happy to please your partner, there is still something you have not tried. For example: sex in a public place, sex with different toys and devices, sex in the water, on the beach, in the woods, anywhere and however you want. Try different positions, do not be afraid to experiment, turn on the pleasure to the fullest. Let the orgasms erase all the hard feelings!
My husband and I overcame the coldness in our relationship with the help of things that are associated with dear memories, as well as with the help of new, unexplored facets of our relationship. Of course, I didn’t work on the relationship alone, my husband was also interested in participating in the process and changing the old for the new. He believes that without the participation of both partners, nothing will work, relationships are the work of two, exactly two, so no matter how purposeful, viable, gentle and affectionate you are, it will be of no use if the man is not interested.
My friend, Dima, 37 years old (for others, Dmitri Sergeyevich), has his own male perspective on this situation. This is what Dima says: ‘Relationships should be worked on exclusively by a man! He has this motto: ‘I told you, I did it! But Dima is also wrong. Without his partner’s willingness to make contact, Dima will end up with the same mess as the women who work on family relationships alone.
So now you understand what you can do to fill your life together with exciting adventures, but I’d like to give you two more little tips.
First, never forget that a woman who is a husband and wife, and lover, and friend will be much more desirable than one who ‘performs only one function’. Be interesting to yourself: then the crisis will not touch your marriage and after 7 years, and even after 10 years.
Incompatibility is primarily an unwillingness to strive for the best, not silly horoscopes that state ‘you can’t be together because Virgo and Capricorn can’t get along! Or they can. But there’s not much difference.
Horoscopes don’t make a difference. If a Virgo really can’t get along with a Capricorn, it’s only because she runs around at night sleeping with a young lion while Capricorn pretends she doesn’t know, yep, yep.
Second, sign up for articles to keep up to date, and also don’t forget to tell your girlfriends about us. Maybe we can organize a girls’ get-together, huh?
10 ideas to refresh your relationship
Why does the passion in a relationship go away? How to add spice and brightness to a romantic relationship? Is it possible to return the feeling of newness after several years of family life? Is there a way to improve the quality of intimate relationships?
As a rule, the fiery feelings that we experience at the beginning of a relationship, sooner or later begin to fade, and after a few years pass away completely. Why does this happen? The fact is that in the first months of dating we do not know our partner well enough, we are fascinated by a separate, independent person with his secrets and mysteries, and we try to penetrate into his special world.
Then the distance gets smaller and smaller. The novelty, excitement, anticipation, and shakiness that fueled our passion are replaced by stability. The relationship no longer evolves, we begin to feel like we know absolutely everything about the other person. And this is the beginning of a family domestic tragedy decades long.
Reliability, trust and intimacy are not bad, but without some uncertainty we get bored. That’s why you need to change something in your own perception and look at the relationship in a different way.
Let experimentation, play and flirtation into your life together. Do not drive your partner into once and for all established patterns: it is still full of secrets and changes a little bit every day. Try to see him as an attractive stranger.
Never dissolve into another person, lest you lose yourself. Everyone has a right to their own hobbies, secrets, freedom and personal space. And this is the only way to stay interesting to each other.
Try to find even a few hours each week that you can devote only to your partner and no one else. Make a date at a restaurant or theater, take a walk in the park. During these minutes, do not think about any family problems: just enjoy each other.
3. Get to know your partner’s desires.
To do this, a simple exercise can be done. Each partner will need a piece of paper, divided into two columns. In the first you need to write down all the associations with the word “love,” and in the second – with the word “sex. This helps to separate love from bed, to understand their own erotic desires and compare them with the expectations of the lover.
4. Learn how to manage stress.
If you’re overwhelmed by typical modern problems, almost everything will turn out to be a higher priority than sex: for your brain, any stress is a lion running at you. And what good is sex if the lion is getting closer?
Stress is directly related to the struggle for survival. Sex does a lot of good, but it certainly doesn’t directly contribute to personal survival. That’s why most of us, when we’re stressed, all our brakes go off at once.
Let’s think about what behavior the body would perceive as an escape from the lion. If a lion runs at you, what will you do? Try to run away, of course. So if the stress is caused by work (or your sex life), what should you do? Run…or walk, or dance, at least close up in the bedroom, or work out on an exercise machine. Physical activity is the most effective way to end the stress response cycle. It helps bring the central nervous system into a state of equilibrium.
Scientists believe there are other ways to feel better. These include sleep; any form of meditation, including mindfulness practices, yoga, and body scans. And sometimes it doesn’t hurt to have a good cry and a scream.
5. Form an attachment based on confidence.
Attachment combined with anxiety.
– I worry that my partner will fall out of love with me. – I often worry that my partner won’t want to stay with me. – I often worry that my partner doesn’t love me. – I worry that my partner is not as serious about me as I am about him.
6. Become self-sufficient.
In most couples, sooner or later one person starts to love more and the other person starts to love less and less. The good news is that if you want to, you can change this situation and achieve harmony.
“The weak one” (the one who loves the stronger one) is convinced that his unwavering love and adoration will bring the couple closer together, although more and more evidence suggests otherwise. Fear of a breakup determines a person’s behavior, constrains him, makes him behave unnaturally. It is immediately obvious how desperately the “weak” needs his partner, and this prevents the restoration of the relationship.
Reduce the pressure on your loved one and think about how to become stronger yourself. Work on reclaiming your identity outside of the relationship. Have dinners, go to the movies with girlfriends, go shopping, travel, read interesting books, attend lectures. And first, just ask yourself the following questions:
– What activities did I enjoy before I met my chosen one?
– What are my personal goals outside of this relationship?
– What is my social life outside of this relationship?
– I call him and stop by his office every time I feel jealous or insecure;
– I try to always be nicer and nicer to make him like me;
– I always do what he wants me to do, even if I don’t feel like it.
Prepare to monitor the unwanted reflexes of the “weak one,” and then dissuade yourself from doing things prompted by them. Over time you will become so accustomed to monitoring your reactions that you will easily suppress them. As you learn to control overreactions and reflexive behavior, your thoughts will gain clarity, and impulses to act like a “weakling” will come to naught.
8. Love your body.
The tendency to dislike and criticize your own body is so pervasive in Western culture that most people don’t even realize how harmful it is and how widespread it is at the same time.
In 2012, fifty-seven different studies were conducted over a period of twenty years, and it was found that there are strong connections between body image and a variety of sexual behaviors: body image influences arousal, desire, orgasm, frequency of sex, and the evaluation of oneself as a sexual partner.
A man will not be fully satisfied with his sex life if he does not feel full and unconditional satisfaction with his body. To have more and better sex, you have to learn to love your body.
Try undressing – or taking off at least some of your clothes – and examining your body in the mirror. Write down everything you see and like. Of course, the first thing your brain will do is fill up with self-criticism and disgust that have been piling up there for years. Do not forget that the day you came into the world, your body enthralled everyone around you, you were loved unconditionally and unconditionally. Today you can do it again.
Let all self-criticism go away, stop scolding yourself, notice only what you like. Do this exercise over and over again – at least every day, if possible.
Learn to ignore bouts of self-criticism and negative judgmental thoughts, and focus on thoughts that express empathy for yourself. And gradually it will become easier for you to appreciate and love your body as it deserves, to treat it with respect and love.
9. Even less self-criticism!
We criticize ourselves all the time: “I’m so stupid/fat/normal,” “I’m a failure,” “I’m not capable of anything.” But self-criticism is closely related to depression; and does depression promote harmony in relationships and improve the sexual side of your life? No, it doesn’t.
We need to learn to be empathetic and understanding in every situation, both when we’re successful and when we’re not doing well. To do this, you must silence your inner critic and stop evaluating yourself.
Do the following exercise to help increase empathy for yourself.
1. Describe in writing the situation for which you are criticizing and punishing yourself. You can use any example, from sexual or romantic relationships (or lack thereof) to events at work. Be sure to write down any harsh critical thoughts that are swirling around in your head and keeping you down.
2. At the top of the sheet, write the name of your significant other and imagine that he or she is sharing with you the problem you just described. Imagine that he or she is asking for your help, and write down what you tell him or her. Try to be as sympathetic and supportive as possible, and to remain calm.
3. Now read all the tips. They are not for your friend, of course, but for you.
The short conclusion of this exercise is this: never say to yourself what you wouldn’t say to your best friend.
10. Develop the plot.
Here are a couple of ideas that research suggests will help “advance the plot” in relationships that have already moved into the “happily ever after” phase.
Strategy 1: Anything that speeds up your heartbeat. Try to do anything that speeds up your heart rate. Go on rides, go on long hikes in the wilderness, watch scary movies, go to huge concerts or political rallies, argue for hours about science. Do anything you find exciting, anything that literally makes your heart beat faster. You experience general excitement, your brain notices that excitement, notices the person next to you and thinks, “Aha, this person seems really interesting!”
Strategy 2: Meaningful Obstacles. To strengthen your connection and deepen your rapport, look for new experiences and opportunities to overcome meaningful obstacles together. Play out a sexual fantasy that you’ve wanted to try for a long time, but haven’t had the courage. Turn on the lights – not to put on a show, but to open your eyes and look into each other’s faces. Build rapport. Take a risk and immerse yourself in trust. Set an important goal that both of you as a couple will have to work toward.