Tyrant husband: tame or leave?
During the first dates, you may like his care, thriftiness and determination. Behind him, as a stone wall, you decide and after a short deliberation get married. And suddenly, after a while, your fairy tale turns into a nightmare: the attention turns into total control and pathological jealousy, and you yourself become an object of constant criticism.
Tyrant husband – a hard ordeal for women. The meaning of his existence – the moral and physical humiliation of his wife, and he is great at it, in this case he is a master. The trouble is that many women for one reason or another have been living with such despots, not able to make a decision and divorce. We will tell you how to put an end to this relationship.
Psychology of the tyrant
It may seem that the soul of the tyrant is akin to the raging elements. But in fact, it is more like a swamp, which in order to exist needs to draw into itself all living things. The despot tries to create all the conditions to turn the woman into a victim, accustoming her to the feeling of her own guilt. It seems to her that she is in debt to her tyrant husband, her life consists of fear, dependence, obedience. From such a man comes uncontrollable aggression, as soon as he thinks about the possibility of disobedience elected. And the more diligent spouse pleases him in the hope to achieve his favor, the more trouble he creates.
Psychologists say that the desire to gain power at any cost is an expression of neurosis. Usually it’s all the fault of personal complexes and obsessive desire to see absolute obedience of others. The tyrant does not have enough power to control strong people, and the progressive neurosis forces him to choose the victim among the weaker individuals. A wife, children, parents, or pets would be suitable for this role. At the heart of all the actions of such a person is the need for control and self-assertion at the expense of humiliating others. This allows him to drown out the fear of his own worthlessness and gives him a feeling of power.
Domestic violence always represents moral or physical tyranny or a combination of both at once. It is not even worth trying to create a healthy relationship with a tyrant husband. He only agrees to one model, where the man has the power and his spouse plays the role of a pillow to beat.
Often a despot’s chosen wife unconsciously builds her life around a similar pattern and looks for a suitable partner who can humiliate her. Such a man will never see a really strong companion next to him, because she will not allow him to play by his own rules. True, it is important to remember that there is a very thin line between the roles of the victim and the abuser, because in every victim there is a desire to persecute and vice versa.
Types of Tyrant Husbands
The tendency to tyranny can manifest itself in different ways, but the most common way a man acts is this way:
Seeks to control everything.
It is important for the domestic tyrant to always know who and where he is. He may interrogate why his wife walked from the bus stop for five minutes longer, how much she spent, and what she bought. He even cares about his partner’s dream plot.
The wife receives hundreds of questions from the tyrant husband every day. To remain silent here will not work, so it is better to give an answer right away, otherwise his suspiciousness will reach its peak and conflict will not be avoided. The main problem lies in the fact that the man covers his behavior by taking care of his beloved. This approach often does not allow the woman to quickly recognize the obsession.
Over time, the husband forbids his spouse to cross paths with all members of the opposite sex, up to relatives, does not trust her colleagues, friends. He monitors the movement of transport on the maps, checks his wife’s page on social networks, looks closely at what she wears and how she wears makeup. Such a man may well install a listening device at home.
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When not to get married: 10 signs of a domestic tyrant
How to identify a tyrant husband before the wedding and avoid domestic violence
Svetlana Morozova Ph.D., psychotherapist, volunteer center “Sisters”, author of books on psychology
Domestic violence (both physical and psychological) and life with a tyrant husband – not the fate of marginalized families. The statistics from abuse centers and even the discussions at conferences on 7th show that tyrants in the home and their victims’ wives and children are very common. However, it is not a common topic of discussion. The book “Silent Tears. A book for those who want to get rid of the pressure and stress in the family” debunks the myths of domestic violence and helps to identify a tyrant husband before the wedding.
So how do you recognize a man as a domestic tyrant before he becomes one? Of course, he does not knock out with a right hook on the first date: if he started with beatings and rudeness, no woman, except for those whose self-esteem is very low, would not stay with him. As a rule, the future tyrant at the beginning of the story is as polite as a man who is not prone to tyranny: he also gives flowers, pays compliments, shines with wit. However, even at this stage you can often see signs of impending disadvantage.
“That dress doesn’t suit you!” The man-owner
Inna met Andrew at a friend’s birthday party. The handsome, broad-shouldered blond attracted her by talking about a movie she had recently watched with interest; then it turned out they had many other interests in common. When, near the end of the party, he asked her for her phone number, she was not at all surprised.
Inna prepared for her date with trepidation, carefully choosing her clothes and jewelry in front of the mirror. She flew like on wings to the appointed place near the cafe.
When she saw Andrei, her heart raced; he saw her, too, and opened his arms toward her, as if to embrace her. But when Inna came closer, his expression changed, as if he bit into a lemon. They sat down at a table, the waiter brought the menu.
Inna chose dishes without enthusiasm: her companion was silent and still kept a dejected expression on his face. To the question “What’s wrong?” he answered curtly that everything was all right. But Inna saw that something was bothering him! Finally he confessed:
– This dress on you – too open. It can not wear on the street all the men looked behind you. I don’t want my woman to dress like that!
Inna was embarrassed. In her mind she scolded herself for her bad taste. Of course, unpleasant to hear such words, but she herself is to blame! And Andrew. It turns out he cares about her, even jealous! So, their relationship has a future.
Inna’s unpleasant feeling is not accidental: his criticism of her clothes is nothing but an attempt to control her. Andrew gives himself the right to assess her appearance and pass a verdict on how she should dress. The control may affect where the woman works, with whom she is friends, whom she looks at in transportation – different domestic tyrants have different points, but what is constant is their belief that they have the right to determine all aspects of their wife’s life.
Jealous behavior is a dangerous point. A woman may be flattered that a man is jealous of her, she sees it as proof of his love, but in reality he is behaving like a possessive man.
“All women are . ” Womanizers and misogynists.
Lyudmila is used to the fact that in any company she attracts male gazes: smiling and sociable, from the outside she could seem frivolous. In fact, the philosophy student had a very choosy approach to personal relationships: she wanted to create a strong Orthodox family with a man who would adhere to the same views on life as she did.
And she kept coming across men who offered more intimacy on the second or third date than she could afford. “You can’t act like a prude in our spare time!” – they persuaded her, and when they refused, they threatened: “I’ll leave, and you’ll regret it!” Ludmilla had no regrets. She was looking for a man, following her own clear criteria.
And it finally happened! They met at the Orthodox fair: he expertly discussed the differences between the icons of the Mother of God. Ludmila had something to add on the subject, and a conversation ensued that turned into acquaintance.
It soon became clear that Michael had a college education and had worked in a bank in the past. But then he became converted to Orthodoxy and now works for the church. The money wasn’t that small, now he wanted to start a family. But with whom?
He had met women before, but when he got to know them better, they were all self-serving, cold, incapable of caring for their loved ones. Dreaming of careers, endorsing contraception, which is nothing less than baby-killing. He doesn’t want that! But he had already lost hope of finding something else. After all, female nature is more damaged than male nature; there’s nothing he can do about it.
“Someone has hurt him,” Ludmilla thought. – Some other woman. Wounded by neglect, by indifference, by dislike. But I’m not like that!”
Indeed, forcing intimacy was a kind of violence: if a man demanded it from a woman as “proof of love,” then he was not at all interested in her feelings, and Lyudmila was quite right to reject those who pressed her on this issue.
However, she missed another serious wake-up call: misogynistic remarks. Misogyny (from Greek misos, disgust, and gyne, woman) is hatred of women, misogyny.
If a man speaks unflatteringly about the personal qualities of one particular woman, it does not mean anything. But if he attributes some traits to them on the basis of belonging to the female sex, accusing all women of greed, thoughtlessness, and the like, it’s misogyny.
Note also that Michael, in order to justify his misogyny, shuffles the facts as he sees fit (which is generally typical of domestic tyrants): perfectly educated, he seems to have forgotten that it is the Virgin who Orthodoxy considers the most perfect person of all who have ever lived.
Another alarming sign – when a man compares you to another woman, all the same, in a positive or negative sense. If your man is doing this, think about it: why would a man who is in a union with you, to bring into your relationship some third party, which you have the right not to resemble (or resemble)? Because he’s performing an unsophisticated manipulation: trying to get you to act the way he wants you to act.
Constant comparison of his wife to an ideal – a real woman (a pop star, an ex-girlfriend, his mother) or a fictional one (“Is this what a real Orthodox wife should be?”) – is useful to the domestic tyrant also because it helps to lower the self-esteem of the woman. Compared to the ideal, the woman always feels that she is not slim enough, not homemaker enough, not forgiving enough, etc. – in a word, is immersed in the awareness of his own nothingness, which is very convenient for tyrants.
“I’ve been set up.” Lies, outbursts of anger and violence in the parents’ family
The beginning of Dmitry and Natalia’s relationship resembled the ending of a fairy tale cartoon about the wedding of a prince and princess: the owner of a thriving company gave exquisite bouquets, made small, but not cheap surprises, read poetry. Natalia was flattered: she had never been so well cared for!
True, in the middle of compliments admirer could let off a caustic tactless joke about her hobbies, profession, appearance, which confused Natalia, but since she enjoyed laughing at his jokes directed at others, these jabs seemed to her forgivable disadvantage. “He’s just used to making jokes all the time. There are people like that.”
A much more serious incident happened three months after they met. As they were leaving the restaurant, Natalia and Dmitry ran into Yura, her childhood friend. The men said hello. It turned out that they knew each other! The next day Natalya went to see Yura, trying to find out more about the man she saw as her future husband.
What was her surprise when Yura said: “With what, I wonder, money does he take you to restaurants? As far as I know, he liquidated his business about a year ago and still hasn’t found a job. But that’s the way Dimka is: he likes to throw dust in his eyes!”
When Natalia on the next date admitted that she knew about his financial situation, and asked not to spend money on her, which he already has little, Dmitri’s face contorted: “Who told you that? Natalia was so scared, she only shook her head, but he had already guessed it himself: “Yurka?
Dmitri immediately called him and swore for two minutes, spitting and stomping his feet. Then he put the phone in his pocket, looked at Natalya clutched in the corner, and said with unexpected tenderness: “Sorry, Natasha! Did I frighten you? At times like this, I wake up my father, who kept in fear of my mother, and me. I struggle with him, I struggle, but he still comes out.
You do not know how I lost the firm: I was so framed, that if I could, I would tear those bastards with my bare hands! You can’t imagine what my life was like before I met you. How many times I was betrayed, and unfairly treated! It hurts to think about it. And I thought of proposing to you: you are a wonderful, unique woman I have been looking for all my life. But now you’re probably going to leave me?
Natalia was so moved that she accepted the proposal immediately. Everyone has bad streaks, but love overcomes all. Today she saw a sincere, suffering face peek out from under the mask of the scoffer. It costs more than all the bouquets and trips to the restaurant!
Big lies at the beginning of a relationship are a disturbing symptom, especially when combined with the desire to create a false image of oneself (wealth, familiarity with famous people, etc.).
Coming from a family in which violence was accepted increases the likelihood that the man will practice it in his own. Of course, the probability is not one hundred percent, but if he justifies his behavior by his difficult childhood, places responsibility for his life on others, and is constantly resentful of people and hostile circumstances, this is already much worse: in the future this position can lead to the statement “It’s your fault that I hit you!
And of course, if the man at the beginning of the relationship ridicules you and scares you with outbursts of anger, even if directed at someone else, you should not stay with him.
All of these signs are not exhaustive. There is a good rule, suitable to different occasions in life: Trust your intuition. If something in a man suspicious, repulsive, causes fear, even if you can not put his impressions into words – go away. Do not say to yourself: “Well, in general, he is a positive person, we should give him a chance to get a better look, get used to. “Don’t get used to it. Just walk away. It’s easy to break up a relationship when it’s just getting started; it’s much harder to leave later.