How to react to my husband’s aggression?

The husband is the aggressor. What to do when there is psychological pressure in the family?

From the author: All the problems in the family because of you? You are to blame for everything? And they consider you stupid, worthless? Or maybe you’ve become a victim? In the literal sense of the word – the victim of psychological pressure from the aggressor?

Until recently he was nice and kind. Although, even now he is considered as such by his acquaintances and neighbors. And you know that your husband became aggressive. You have taken on the role of the victim. What’s that? This is psychological pressure in the family.

What is psychological pressure: “The husband is the aggressor, the wife is the victim”?

Psychological pressure is behavior in which the Aggressor constantly suppresses the Victim.

Moreover, the Aggressor does not even realize that his actions are violence against the person of the Victim. He may be convinced that he himself is suffering. He is the one who suffers, while everyone else “rides” on him, takes advantage of him.

The victim, in turn, lives with feelings of guilt, of his own stupidity and absurdity. She (or he, which also happens) feels powerless, as if she were cornered, backed against the wall. No matter what the victim does for the sake of change, nothing works. Only more guilt and shame.

The scary thing is that guilt and shame can take some getting used to. You don’t have the strength or courage to say, “Stop! You can’t do this to me! To begin with, at least to yourself. The Victim’s inner censor has completely submitted to the external will of the Aggressor. If the Aggressor says, “What are you doing! You don’t know anything, you’ve been on maternity leave for 10 years,” that’s exactly what the Victim will think.

The situation of psychological pressure can arise not only between husband and wife. Anywhere – between parents and children (regardless of the age of those and others), at work. In this article, we will talk only about the husband and wife.

The good news is that just thinking “something is wrong here” is the beginning of change. The important thing is that you know how to make the best use of the opportunities that present themselves.

The story of the victim and the aggressor

In this letter I will tell you the story of Katya and Sergei.

Katya and Sergei have been married for three years now. Before that they had known each other for 20 years and each had their own family.

Sergei was married with two children, but remained a single father. It was no easy task raising two children.

Katya also had two children of her own. But her husband died. Katya supported her family by herself, worked and ran a small business, more like a hobby. Outwardly stately, internally strong-willed and intelligent, putting logic above feelings.

And so – “Two lonely people met!”

Together it was easy, they understood each other, there were common themes and problems. Then Katya realized that she was pregnant. Sergey said that there was only one other option – to get married. And that was the end of it.

How does psychological pressure appear?

After a while, the baby is born. Katya could not continue working. Five kids + housekeeping + problems of the new relationships beyond the “sweet and bouquet period”. What kind of work was this? Have time to comb your hair.

Sergei, on the other hand, felt “on the horse.”

He liked that the “new wife” depended on him. Whenever possible, he would tease her in front of his friends. It was like, “My fatty!”

At home Sergei started to be rude a lot. Yes, Katya is a strong-willed woman, as I have already written. If she had an opinion contrary to the man’s, she did not hesitate to express it. And more and more often instead of a reasoned conversation turned out – “slam” on the table with his fist, “I said!” – and that was it. Punching dishes, scandals – it became the norm. Attempts at dialogue ended up like this: “You will listen to me! Stop whining! You don’t do anything at all! The house is a mess, your kid is rude to me all the time…” and so on – just accusations.

The last few years before her wedding to Sergei, Katya supported herself. Now he was the only source of income. She had to ask for money for food and children. And for her own needs. The latter gradually became a torture. “What do you need money for?” Then there were excuses, etc.

When Katya, in moments of reconciliation, tried to explain herself to Sergei, all she heard was, “You’re imagining things! There is no problem here. If you have a problem, deal with yourself! “

That’s the disposition.

Is psychological pressure normal?

When Katya came to me, her request was, “I have problems in my family. I want to keep my relationship with my husband. “That is, Katya really didn’t realize that she was under pressure. She was already convinced that in three years she had become stupid, slovenly, unorganized, lazy. And that she was screwing herself up.

The biggest problem is recognizing the reality of the problem. After all, we’ve been taught “don’t take it personally,” “don’t whine.”

“You’ve read all that nonsense, you’ve listened to your psychologists, now you’ve got problems everywhere. Live your life however you want.” – is often heard by the victim from the mouths of those to whom she entrusted her worries.

It’s up to you to decide what’s okay for you and what isn’t! You make YOUR own family. Yes, for two with your husband. But you have as much right as he does. If you feel like your rights are being grossly violated, it’s time to examine yourself. I am preparing a questionnaire for you, and I will post it tomorrow so you can check it out.

Plan of Action

If you find yourself playing the role of victim alongside the aggressor, your plan of action is as follows:

1). Stop doubting.

This is not normal. Some of it is your fault, some of it is his, but in no way should there be domestic violence, neither physical nor emotional. You can stop thinking about, “Maybe it’s not so bad. It’s not that bad, but it is. The situation needs an intervention.

2). Learn to behave correctly in an “acute” situation.

Your quarrels with your husband are typical, the scenario repeats itself. You know about how your husband will behave, he knows how you will behave. That is what he is counting on, even if unconsciously. He needs a “boost” which he is counting on. Therefore, if you plan your behavior in quarrels, you will be able to keep your strength and self-control. How to behave in a quarrel is described in detail in my audio training “How to fight back an aggressor in a quarrel.

3). Arrange a “revision” of the relationship.

After all, it was not always like this. At what point did the pressure begin? After what event? This will help you find the behavioral error with which things went wrong, and correct that error.

4). Learn more about your husband.

Take a fresh look at everything you know about your husband. Did he grow up in a single-parent family? Was he a frequent visitor to the “children’s militia room”? You need to know this to understand what motivates your husband. Maybe there is a chance to help him and rebuild his life. Or maybe you should just run away before it’s too late.

5). Think back to how you were.

You had normal self-esteem. Remember yourself then. Go back to that state. Secure it with memories and associations. I will not say that it is necessary to behave from this condition in the quarrel with her husband. After all, it can be dangerous. But in all other periods of life – exactly so, you are still the same, confident and satisfied with yourself. And with the husband we will gradually deal with in the following articles.

Anger: how to get along with an aggressive husband or wife

Aggression in the family: how to eliminate the causes of outbursts of rage in adults and children

What to do if one of the spouses has a violent temper, or, in other words, angry? How to get along with such a spouse, to understand whether the anger is justified or not, to overcome fear and anxiety in the family, what line of conduct to choose, tell the rector of St. Antipas church priest Dimitry Roshchin and clinical psychologist and candidate of psychological sciences Evgeniya Zotkina.

– Why does anger arise in a person? Why some are more susceptible to it, others – less? Is it upbringing or chemical processes in the body?

Evgeniya Zotkina: To begin with, let’s understand what anger is in terms of psychology. It is a kind of emotional state, which implies aggressiveness, bitterness. Anger is especially strong when a person is in a state of affect. This reaction can arise in a person if in the process of activity or communication events do not coincide with expectations. There is a negative reaction to the inability to get pleasure, frustration, and the reaction to it becomes aggression.

There is open aggression and latent aggression. In everyday life, people use overt forms of aggression, such as anger.

Aggressive people are people, as a rule, with bruised vanity, ambition, who believe that they are unappreciated, something is not given to them, and they deserve more and better.

There are also hidden forms of aggression:

  • defensive-active,
  • defensive-passive.

If a child is the idol of the whole family, he grows up to be a little tyrant. He or she is used to having his or her desires always met, and if he or she is rejected, becomes angry and throws tantrums – it is an active position.

If a child is suppressed by his parents or society, he cannot express his aggression outwardly and accumulates it inside. Such a person, when he grows up, has a vague, inarticulate, unspoken and very burdensome feeling. Often such a person begins to recall some sad stories, accidents, and there is a sense of negativity in the conversation.

In general, modern environment, culture is very aggressive, and not only in our country, but all over the world. Residents of big cities constantly experience frustration; many lack a calm, joyful perception of the world. Nowadays there is a global aestheticization of evil; nowadays evil is the norm.

Why are there popular movies about cops, bandits and murders? People have a need to watch all these horror movies. And when a person cannot properly regulate his need for aggression, it means that his personality structure is broken. Fear is the provocateur of the reaction of aggression and anger.

There is a loss of attachment, a sense of being out of the world – and anger becomes a kind of deformed defensive reaction that also manifests itself in sympathy for the aggressors. Many people admire Stalin, Hitler, Pinochet. Worship of aggressors is identification with the aggressor. One cannot confront some events in life, change some things to some extent because of social upbringing; one gets used to his own social helplessness and believes that nothing depends on him.

– What should a husband or wife do if the other half is often angry?

Evgeniya Zotkina: Men’s aggression is instrumental, it is used to achieve a goal.

Women’s aggression is expressive: she feels bad, and she begins to shout.

And if one yells and the other suffers, the other partner is a silent accomplice in such a relationship.

Sometimes it happens that spouses yell at each other in the morning, and in the evening they come home as if nothing had happened – no one is hurt, they do not remember what happened in the morning. If that happens and no one really hurts each other, it’s okay.

If the dishes in the house aren’t broken, but the wife is constantly muttering and commenting unhappily about how her husband scattered his things, how he eats, how he sleeps, etc., it’s hidden aggression. If a person feels good with their spouse, they are unlikely to spoil each other’s mood for such insignificant reasons – such couples intuitively protect each other. Constant dissatisfaction with the partner destroys the relationship much more than any single emotional shots or outbursts of anger.

A person is very aware of where and how he can behave, where he can vent his anger and where he cannot. If a wife reacts to her husband’s aggressive outbursts as unacceptable, and the husband values his wife, he will try not to do it again. A man, in fact, can be very much in control. An outburst of anger can be extinguished, or it can be inflamed. For example, at work a person can not show his aggression, but at home he wanted and yelled, and you are already a hero. You should always remember that a person behaves the way he is allowed to behave.

Father Dimitri: To begin with, it is necessary to say where this passion comes from. Anger is always generated by pride. Just as there is a lie in pride, so also anger is filled with lies. (The exception is “righteous anger.”) Every passion must be countered by the opposite virtue.

Since the family is one, if one half of the family is sick with an ailment, in this case anger, then the other half must show meekness in a special way, because meekness is the opposite of anger. And thus win, because the struggle is for the common good. This, by the way, applies to any family ailments – if one part is sick, the other must fight to maintain health in this very aspect, because we are saving each other.

But meekness can also be shown for the time being. It all depends on the measure to which the person is willing to tolerate, on what the situation in the family is at the moment. If a person is constantly being beaten and can no longer tolerate it, then he should avoid living together for a while and see what effect it has. If a way to reconciliation is found, go back. And if this condition will not go away, then you need to further decide what to do about it, whether it is possible to stay in the family.

– If the person is aware of his aggression and suffers from it, what can you recommend to him?

Evgeniya Zotkina: Stress and anger are very well relieved by physical activity. Any kind: walk up and down the stairs, squat, do some physical work – and you will feel better.

In general, a healthy person is able to control his emotions. Of course, when a person is enraged, there is a deep inner work going on inside him, it is hard, and it is easier to yell or break something. But it is important to ask yourself the question: How much of the person in front of me is really to blame for my rage? If a person learns to properly analyze their emotions, it will be easier to cope with them.

Father Demetrius: The main task of a person who is angry is not to let his anger out. Let it rage in him, but the person must literally grit his teeth, bite his tongue and do everything possible to keep this passion from rising. If he learns to catch these states, by such an exercise he can lower this anger deeper and deeper until it no longer arises at all. But it is very hard. One has to be careful with oneself, to make it one’s task to fight this passion. If a person will watch himself in one thing, it is absolutely certain that he will watch himself in everything else as well.

– If children show signs of temper tantrums, how do you deal with it?

Evgeniya Zotkina: Children become angry because of the strong information field, which excessively stimulates the child’s psyche. Children’s psyche can not cope with the incoming barrage of information, and parents themselves are restless, anxious, and anxiety creates a child a sense of insecurity.

There is a crisis in the family and a huge gap between the generations. Parents have no time for their children: they are tired at work, they come home excited, and since children now are very active, overexcited, emotional, with increased motor skills, they quickly master gadgets, “shooters”. The child begins to play murder and understands that all issues can be solved by force. Children love the one who plays with them more, and since they spend most of their time with the computer, they lose touch with their parents. Dad and mom cease to be role models and authority, they are replaced by the fruits of mass culture.

To prevent this situation in the family, parents should spend as much time as possible with their children, talking to them, answering questions. The child should feel that his home is his fortress, and no matter what he has done, he will always be welcomed and supported there. This is the most important thing parents can give their child.

Father Dimitri: Use your power to forbid a child to enter into an aggressive state, to stop him, to explain that it is wrong – to cut off all attempts. Isolate them, put them in a corner – in general, bring them to their senses according to the degree to which their anger manifests itself. It seems to me that children who easily get into anger have picked it up from adults. There may be some exceptions, but as a rule, the child finds everything within the family. So you need to look at yourself first of all.

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