How to divorce your husband and avoid fatal mistakes: 10 useful tips
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The expert – Margarita Lopukhova
Family psychologist. For 8 years I save “family units” from collapse. I help couples regain love and understanding.
So, you’re firmly decided that enough of this endure – it’s time to get a divorce. Or have you? And your decision is not so unambiguous? And if so, how do you do it? Sometimes the marital relationship is a real dilemma – a real sword of Damocles that can hang over your head for years. Sometimes divorce becomes a real melting pot, in which all the values of life burn: health, finances, good social ties. So how do you get a divorce with minimal loss? That’s what our conversation will be about today.
Make the final decision
The first problem for many of those who are dissatisfied with their current relationship is shifting perceptions. One day it seems like things are going badly and you can’t stay with that idiot for another minute; the next day the situation seems less tragic and even hopeful of improvement.
Many people do not even think about properly preparing for a divorce. People think that the sooner they get out of a stressful situation-that is, end their marriage-the better off they will be. Especially if this view is encouraged by relatives or friends. But unfortunately, in many cases the opposite is true. Couples who make hasty decisions don’t have time to sort out their feelings and consider their options. As a result, their life after divorce becomes an emotional nightmare roller coaster. Instead of improving the situation, they simply trade one set of problems for another.
Divorce Readiness: Self-Test Questions
In answering the following questions, be as honest with yourself as possible:
- Do you still have feelings for him?
Many people are beating their chests, saying they are ready for a divorce. But what they really need is not a divorce, but a professional therapist. Because both partners in a marriage have a strong attachment to each other, while facing difficulties in the relationship – for which a divorce is not necessary. They feel much worse after the breakup, experiencing the loss of their partner.
- Were you really husband and wife?
Sometimes it happens that there is essentially no marriage as such. People can raise children and live under the same roof. However, their relationship leaves a lot to be desired – there is no real “we”, everyone has their own life. In this case, divorce is likely to be the best way out.
- Are you really ready for a divorce, or do you just want to shake his nerves a bit?
Classic of the genre: spouses threaten to break up with each other in family conflicts. The reasons are usually feelings of anger or frustration, a desire to get power, or to get him to change his partner’s behavior.
Any desire other than the dissolution of the marriage indicates an unpreparedness to divorce. You can hope that after the breakup he will change, stop drinking and smoking, give you a bouquet of roses every day, and get the moon out of the sky. But all of this is an inadequate motivation. The only possible purpose of divorce is to end the marriage and make room for a new person.
- Will you realistically be able to deal with the consequences?
Remember that the dissolution of a marriage always entails change. Do you have enough resources to handle the changes in your life? Do you have enough money? Do you have a roof over your head? Can you manage your emotions, or will you sink into an abyss of depression? When deciding to get a divorce, you have to be pragmatic and not do anything rash.
How to painlessly divorce your husband? Some advices
So, the final decision is made, and you have already planned what, when and how: what you will tell your husband, when you will organize all the details and how the dissolution of the marriage will take place. At this stage, the following tips from psychologists can be useful:
- Don’t be conflicted. Yes, emotions can cause a lot of damage. And then regret it. So if you have a choice – to quarrel or not, restrain by all means and try not to expose themselves on the wrong side. After all, a divorce can be accompanied by scandals, trips to court, the intervention of relatives. It is much better to resolve everything amicably.
- Try to agree on everything without involving third parties. If it’s a question of who will stay with the children, how the apartment will be split up, a car or a common business – it is better to agree among themselves, without involving other people.
- If you can’t come to an agreement, seek professional help. Here you may need a variety of specialists: lawyers, psychotherapists, perhaps even accountants. Analyze your needs, study the market of specialists in the field and go to the best ones.
- If you have to go to court, don’t expect justice from the servants of the law. A judge’s job is to follow the prescribed law, and there is hardly any moral justice to be had. No matter how idiotic your ex-husband is, we guarantee the judges won’t care. Don’t waste your time trying to prove a point; rather, leave that worry to your lawyer.
- Put your children first. Everyone talks about it, but few do. Be one of those people they call a good mother – make what’s best for the child, even if that decision hurts you.
- Remember that the more your divorce resembles World War III, the less chance you have of remaining good parents. If you don’t settle things amicably now, it will be very difficult to be around during your son or daughter’s graduation in a few years. Or at their wedding, for example.
- Get ready for a long process. Divorce is not a sprint; it’s a marathon. As much as you’d like the process to be over quickly, 99% of the time you can’t wait. Don’t worry too much; try to just go with the flow, letting go of the reins in a sense.
- Prepare a speech in advance for those around you. Announcing your divorce to friends and relatives will be difficult. Telling your coworkers about it will be excruciating. So think in advance about what exactly you will answer the questions “How are you?”, “How is Innocent?” or “What’s new”.
- Be prepared to lose some friends. Yes, it’s horrible. Yes, it’s not fair. But some people will avoid you like the plague – as if you had that very bell ringing around your neck. Others will be lost in your presence, not knowing what to say; or will talk outright nonsense. Either way, you’ll know exactly who’s who after your divorce.
- Take care of the memorabilia and valuables. You don’t need to love your ex. And many people recommend getting rid of anything that reminds you of your past as soon as possible. However, some things can actually be valuable. For example, pictures of in-laws who are no longer alive. You might want to show that photo to your child years from now. Or, for example, the ring your ex-husband gave you on the very first trip to your favorite country. You don’t have to destroy everything left and right. Just isolate these things for a while; forget about them for now. Years from now, you’ll look at all those items from the past much more calmly.
How to normalize your psycho-emotional state quickly
This is one of the most important aspects. After a divorce, a woman feels broken, unattractive; there may be a persistent depression, activate psychosomatic diseases. To avoid this happening, follow the useful recommendations:
- Believe in the best and try to worry as little as possible. Yes, this period in life is very difficult. But it will be over soon. You will definitely endure and find your love. The important thing is that we can never get back the time we spent worrying, suffering, and hurting. And in some cases, we may be talking about loss of health. So remember: divorce is a time when you need to be as focused, as collected as possible. No matter how hard it was, focus on the positive, and then the divorce will not be the end of life, and the rebirth to a new happiness.
- Try to change your place of residence. That house or apartment where you were together will always remind you of the past. Now it may be hard for you to leave those walls. But your time together is over. It’s a lot harder to live with the memories than it is to take one decisive step and stop torturing yourself. Moreover, when you meet a new man, it is unlikely he will want to see this house, where the walls themselves are saturated with the spirit of the past.
- Organize a support group. This can be one or two friends (girlfriends) who will support you with a kind word and just their presence. Important: Don’t spend too much time hanging out with married friends. They will most likely not be able to understand you, and will unintentionally make you feel even worse about yourself. It’s ideal to connect with people who are also divorced.
- Participate in activities that will raise your self-esteem. You can run a half marathon, go on a trip. Enroll in interesting courses – photography, mountain climbing or, say, dancing. Do these things, even if you do not feel like it. Sooner or later it will still bear fruit.
- Concentrate on the big picture. Determine what’s most important to you in the long run. And don’t waste your energy on things that seem essential only now.
“I am as free as a bird in the sky…” What’s next?
The first thing that you should agree with yourself in advance is about the limitations that you should not cross. The fact is that after a breakup the temptation to go to all sorts of trouble increases. And often this leads to even greater disappointment. So that a violation of “all the rules” has not led to desolation and depression, think in advance about what you can do, and what – under any circumstances.
Another important point. After the breakup do not surround yourself with weak-willed girlfriends, complainers, who will push you back into a network of former relationships. There are some women who are used to living with their tyrants and manipulators; listening to them is like death.
Also exclude from your society desperate girls tomboys, who will swirl you in a string of adventures and trips to nightclubs. There’s little healthy in their influence, either.
If you stick to your own predetermined rules, you will not lose yourself after a divorce. On the contrary – you will start a qualitatively new life.
To change yourself – it means to change your future.
It is worth remembering that like always attract like. This rule is postulated by psychologists and confirmed by practice. More than once you too can see such a situation: a girl divorced from her husband, a cheater or an alcoholic. And six months later she finds exactly the same kind of husband – if not worse.
What does that tell you? Psychologists are convinced that we meet a partner with mirror qualities. So the folk wisdom about two boots that pair is not a fiction at all. But it is not enough to see your own contribution to the relationship (although for many girls and this is the comprehension of zen in the relationship). It is also important to recognize your own shortcomings, to work on transforming them into strengths, if this was not done in the relationship with your (already former) husband. Otherwise, by the law of likeness you will attract exactly the same monster with whom you fought such long and bloody battles.
Divorce should be an expression of your life wisdom, inner harmony and balance. If the separation happens on a negative note – is unlikely to create a relationship filled with understanding and love.
How to divorce your husband without a scandal: psychologists’ tips
Years spent in marriage change the relationship between people. Falling in love, passion, love – these are the companions of the first years of marriage. Getting used to a person, we see him without an aura of romance with all the flaws and imperfections. The wisest women, putting the family above all else, put up with these flaws for the sake of domestic well-being.
But if life with her husband in recent years resembles a neighborhood, and a woman feels that she would like to experience love, passion, she decides to break off the relationship. This is not always given easily, because each of us considers it our mission to preserve the family home. But if the decision is considered, our tips on how to divorce your husband without a scandal will be useful to you.
7 signs of an impending divorce
Domestic conflicts . At the beginning of a relationship people often turn a blind eye to each other’s shortcomings, but you can’t hide a thing in a bag, and sooner or later you have to face reality. The fact that at first it seems insignificant in the nature or habits of the partner, over time, can be really annoying. And in general, people behave a little differently under the influence of hormones and emotions when they first start dating, they want to be the best version of themselves. Gradually, behavior becomes more natural, revealing some unsightly traits. All this can affect the relationship partners not the best way.
Poor intimate life. Mismatch of sexual temperaments can cause conflicts in a couple. In addition, over time, the passion may disappear at all, and after all, sex – one of the most important components of a happy relationship.
Jealousy . A person who is jealous feels insecure and hurt. Depending on the strength of their emotions and the nature of their partner, jealousy can push them to do the wrong thing. Often it becomes the cause of abusive behavior, both psychological and physical.
Lack of trust . Strong relationships in a couple are only possible when partners trust each other. If there are any doubts about a person, it can cause conflicts and separation.
Indifference. Lack of interest in the affairs and opinions of the partner inevitably makes the relationship unhappy. In a prosperous marriage, people listen to each other, it is important to them what is happening in the life of the partner, this is an essential moment of life together.
Unusual behavior and dismissive attitude . The reason for the strange behavior of a man can be anything, but one of the most common is the appearance of a mistress. In this case, it is not uncommon for the partner to become extremely accommodating and behave differently than usual. But it happens that he is simply tired of family life, has fallen out of love with his wife and has no desire to show care and create the appearance of a happy marriage.
Inhibitions . Authoritarian men tend to dispose not only of their own lives, but also the lives of their spouse. The woman is forbidden to work or have any hobbies. Of course, this leads to scandals and generates constant tension within the family.
Good reasons for divorce
There can be many reasons for divorce, some of which are not really significant. However, there are some that do not allow you to question the decision you have made.
Alcoholism or drug addiction. It is possible to support a sick person for a long time, to help him recover, but if he himself does not want to become healthy, it is unlikely that the actions of a spouse will be effective. For the most part, alcoholics and drug addicts are unable to cope with their addiction, despite their family’s attempts to help them. As a result, family life turns into hell, out of which only divorce will help.
Violence. Beating cannot be tolerated under any circumstances. The only way to get rid of physical suffering is to file for divorce.
Infidelity. Conflicts on the basis of infidelity of the partner happens all too often. Many people try to save the relationship and move on, despite what happened. There are families who eventually manage to overcome a difficult period and cope with the situation. However, in most cases, one infidelity entails a second, third and so on, and this can not everyone.
Dissatisfaction with an intimate relationship. Sex as an integral part of family life should satisfy both partners. This applies to both its quality and quantity. If someone in a couple is not getting what he wants, it can be a reason to break up.
Money problems. Total lack of finances is a common cause of quarrels, especially if the head of the family simply does not want to make the effort to provide for his wife and children.
Individual incompatibility. Sometimes lovers get married literally on emotion, not realizing that family life is serious work, not a perpetual holiday. As a result, they are surprised to find that the partner is not the person they thought he was and is absolutely not ready for marriage.
Unwillingness to have children. If one partner does not want to have children and the other dreams about them, conflict in the couple is inevitable. Procreation is a natural and very strong need of any person, especially women, and the inability to realize it is a serious reason for divorce.
5 tips on how to decide to divorce your husband
Many people live in dislike for years and tolerate another man by their side, not deciding to get a divorce. We dare to give 5 tips that can help make some steps in this direction.
Try to change your own mind . People’s psyche is arranged in such a way that in a difficult situation, the choice is made in favor of the easiest and non-traumatic solution. Divorce requires getting out of your comfort zone, so many people prefer to stay in their swamp, just not to make any serious efforts, because it is scary and painful. It is important to try to look at the situation from a different angle, to think through a phased plan of action and move forward in accordance with it, being aware of each step.
Think of yourself first. You’re on your own and have a responsibility to take care of your own well-being. If attempts have been made to resuscitate the family, but were unsuccessful, do not continue to live with the person who makes you unhappy. Often it is those women who are afraid of parting, who have forgotten about self-realization, completely dissolved in her husband. In this situation, it is especially important to remember your own interests, hobbies, hobbies, learn to live for yourself and think of ways to retreat – so divorce will not seem like something incredible.
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