How to properly divorce your husband?

Dissolution of marriage: what you need to know

Sergei Storozhenko, director of the anti-crisis group, told how to get a divorce so as not to lose property, protect the interests of children and keep your sanity.

Read to the end and you’ll find out:

Where to go to get a divorce

How to get a divorce online

How to properly prepare an application, which documents to prepare

How to divide money, real estate and debts

What children get in a divorce

Divorce with termination of parental rights: what you need to know

How much costs a divorce, and who pays for a divorce

How to keep a mental balance if there are conflicts

No time to read? – Get expert help now:

Where to go to get a divorce

It is possible to dissolve a marriage:

  • in a registry office
  • in a Justice of the Peace court
  • At the district court

Where to go in your case, depends on whether you have common children, whether you need to resolve disputes about the division of property and alimony.

Dissolution of marriage through the registry office

The application for divorce is filed in a Registry Office, if:

  • Both spouses agree to divorce
  • One spouse initiates a divorce, while the second is legally incapacitated, declared missing or imprisoned (sentenced for 3 years or more)

Apply at the Registry Office, where the registration took place, or in the registry office of the locality where one of the spouses lives. If this is a large city, you need to find the registry office, which refers to a particular district. For example, you can find the right office in Moscow on Google maps or by the name of the nearest metro station on the “Registry Offices of Moscow” website.

Divorce through the registry office can be quick: usually within 1 month of receiving a joint application for divorce.

Divorce through the court: world or district court?

The application for divorce is filed in court if:

  • There are common children under 18 years of age
  • One of the spouses refuses to divorce
  • One of the spouses does not explicitly refuse to divorce, but does not sign the application
  • You can not agree on how to divide property

But in what court to apply: the world or the district court?

In the world court, if there are no disputes over the property, or its value is not more than 50,000 rubles; there are no disputes about the children and alimony.

In all other cases, we apply to the district court. In particular, if you need to determine with whom the children will stay, the amount and order of payment of alimony, who and how much is due from the family property.

The application is filed in the court, where the defendant is registered. If you do not know where he lives, file a lawsuit at the last place of registration, which you know.

You can go to court at your place of registration if you have children living with you, or you are not allowed to travel long distances for health reasons.

How to get a divorce online

Divorce over the Internet is only possible if no court involvement is required. Or on the basis of an already prepared court decision.

Go to the site of the MFC of your city or the site “Gosuslugi” . There is a detailed description of the procedure for obtaining the service “state registration of dissolution of marriage”.

How to properly prepare a statement of divorce, what documents to prepare

For the Registry Office

There are special divorce application forms for the registry office. These are forms No. 8 (application from two spouses) and No. 9 (from one of the spouses), approved by Decree No. 1274 of the Government of the Russian Federation. Download the forms in Word here .

What documents are needed for divorce in the Registry Office:

  • passport of the applicant(s);
  • marriage registration certificate;
  • Documents confirming the status of the second spouse, if he is incapacitated, missing or is in prison;
  • a receipt for payment of state duty.

Usually ready forms are issued in the registry office. Call your registry office for details. This includes additional documents.

For the court

The application for dissolution of marriage for the court make in free form, but in compliance with the general requirements of the lawsuits (Article 131 of the Civil Procedural Code). Forms you can ask the Secretary in court or download from the Network.

If there is a dispute, with whom they will leave the children, or property conflict, it is important to substantiate their demands, to bring evidence, to attract witnesses to the case.

What documents are needed for a divorce through the court:

  • passport of the applicant;
  • marriage certificate;
  • Copies of birth certificates of children;
  • Extract from the house book;
  • a list of family property;
  • documents of title to property;
  • certificates of salary;
  • Receipt of payment of state duty;
  • characteristics, certificates.

and others, depending on the nuances of a particular dispute.

How to divide money, property and debts

All money, property and debts that spouses acquired during the marriage are divided in half (Art. 34 FAMILY CODE). But it is so simple only in theory.

In practice, you can get more or less. Depends on many factors, including the qualifications of your lawyer.

What property is divisible:

Assets that do not divide:

This is important:

Even “undivided” property can be divided. For example, if you can prove that its value has increased substantially through contributions of family or personal funds, as well as the labor of the non-owner.

Debt payments can also be waived. Personal debts everyone pays for himself. And even if you took a loan when you were married “for two,” and your spouse spent all the money on his or her own needs, gather all the evidence for the court. Most likely, you will be released from having to pay.

What do your children get in a divorce?

Children do not participate in the division of money and property (Article 60 of the Family Code). Everything is divided between the spouses.

However, the court has the right to award one of the spouses more, in the interests of the children.

It is not enough that the children stay with you and you have to provide for them.

It is necessary to prove the existence of exceptional circumstances, otherwise the court will refuse you (appellate determinations of the Tyumen Regional Court from 24.12.2014 in case № 33-6823/2014, Vladimir Regional Court from 15.01.2015 in case № 33-43/2015).

What can refer to exceptional circumstances? For example, that during the marriage the spouse did not work and spent the family savings for personal needs (clause 2, article 39 of the Family Code).

A mother with many children managed to get 2/3 of the common apartment through the court. The husband did not participate in the monetary support of the three children (determination of the Moscow City Court of July 24, 2014 in case No. 33-25797).

The spouse did not receive half of the common apartment, as the loan was paid by the wife, and 2 young children remained to live with her in the disputed apartment (appellate determination of the Moscow City Court on 10.04.2015 on case № 33-7689).

Exceptional circumstances can also be recognized as children having chronic diseases, the need for additional costs for medications and medical procedures. That is, if the children are seriously ill, and the spouse does not help, the mother (father) can sue for most of the money and property.

Children shall be entitled to child support in an amount not less than: 1/4 of the income of one child, 1/3 of the income of two children, half of the income of three or more children (Article 81 of the Family Code). These amounts can be claimed in court. Depending on the circumstances of a particular family, child support may be increased.

The main thing is not to abuse the rights, not to force to pay alimony of non-native parents:

A man paid child support to someone else’s child for 2 years. This was found out by the results of genetic examination.

Through the court, the man managed to oblige the former spouse to return the money in the amount of 150,000 rubles. The woman refused to pay. Then the bailiffs seized the Toyota car, sold the car and transferred the money to the cheating father (source:

Get expert help to get more money and property for your children

Divorce with termination of parental rights: what you need to know

It is impossible to combine divorce and termination of parental rights under Article 69 of the Family Code. These are two different requirements, which means that the lawsuits must be filed separately.

But partially limit the second parent in the rights simultaneously with the dissolution of the marriage – it is possible. For example, allow to see each other only on certain days, and limit the time to communicate. You can prohibit children from living with a parent, if it is dangerous to their life and health.

How much does it cost to get a divorce, and who pays for the divorce?

Who and how much does one pay for a divorce?

If the application is submitted to the Registry Office:

650 rubles each of the spouses pays, if the decision is joint;

350 rubles pays the one who files for divorce: if the second is declared missing, incapacitated or sitting in prison.

If the application is submitted to the court:

650 from each spouse.

The one who files the lawsuit pays. That is 1,300 for two people. The application may include a request for reimbursement of half of the amount paid in state fees.

The law exempts from payment of state duty: disabled people of 1 or 2 groups, veterans of the Great Patriotic War, Heroes of the Soviet Union and the Russian Federation ( 333.35 of the Tax Code). But only if the claim for the dispute is less than 1 million rubles.

See details about the state duty amounts in art. 333.26 of the Tax Code of the RF.

How to keep your sanity if there are conflicts

If there is a serious conflict with your spouse, there are threats against you, and it comes to “kidnapping” your children and selling your property without your consent, urgently contact a specialist in divorce cases. So you can protect yourself and your children from an inadequate spouse and divorce them without meeting in person. A family lawyer-psychologist by proxy will do everything for you.

Divorce or not? Dealing with a psychologist.

Ending a relationship is hard. And if you are already married – especially because you have invested so much in a life together, and divorce always brings difficulties. How do you know when it’s worth trying to save your marriage, and when it’s better to separate?

The decision to divorce can hang in the air for years, preventing the decision to make important changes or find a way to survive a crisis in the relationship. A practicing psychologist explains how to help yourself sort out your relationship.

Svetlana Makhova, family therapist, specialist of the service for the selection of psychologists Alter

Is it worth getting a divorce? In my practice, only a small fraction of couples go to a psychologist with this question. Many more couples go to therapy expecting changes to help save the marriage. However, even in the process of psychotherapy, spouses can come to the decision to divorce.

Is divorce a good thing or a bad thing?

It is neither bad nor good. And it is hardly possible to assess it from such a position – good-bad, right-wrong. Divorce is preceded by a disturbance in the “homeostasis” of the family system, in which it becomes unbearable for all of its members to exist. Divorce is one of the ways to resolve the situation, in some cases it is the only way.

Divorce is always associated with hard feelings of loss, change, the search for new forms of existence for all family members. That is why partners often look for a way to restore the relationship, rather than breaking it off. Especially if there are children in the family.

Over the years of life together the spouses develop their own traditions, rituals, habits. The thought of a divorce scares and raises a lot of questions that in a state of emotional stress is not easy to find an answer right away: where, who and with whom will live? At what expense? to return to my mother? will have to change schools / kindergarten? will not have to move to another city / country? how to participate in the education of children the second parent, who does not live with them? will have to go to court for child support? what to do with the apartment? who will pay the mortgage? These and hundreds of other issues do not bypass in a divorce, as well as for a long time after, so they will have to solve.

Should you get a divorce?

Before answering this question, let’s look at what the main reasons for divorce in Russia are. The list is based on statistics from open sources in descending order by the number of cases.

The main causes of divorce are

  • Alcohol or drug addiction of one of the spouses;
  • Domestic violence;
  • adultery;
  • lack of housing for the young couple, living with the parents of the spouses under the same roof, family interference in the life of the couple;
  • financial difficulties;
  • irreconcilable contradictions in their views on life;
  • Long periods of separation due to business trips, arrests and other circumstances of one of the spouses;
  • Inability to have children, unwillingness of one of the spouses to have children;
  • the psychological immaturity of the spouses.

Addictive behavior of one spouse, as well as domestic violence are the most common factors. And when answering the question “should I get divorced?”, in the cases below, my answer is yes:

  • If one partner is physically, sexually, and economically abusive toward the other spouse, as well as toward the children;
  • If one partner has a mental disorder (a diagnosis confirmed by a psychiatrist) and his or her behavior may pose a danger to others;
  • If one of the partners is addicted to alcohol or drugs.

It is not your job to rescue your partner from addiction; you should not wait for your spouse to figure out his or her aggressiveness, especially when your partner’s actions pose a threat to the lives, health and well-being of family members. In these cases, you need to leave immediately. Today – a “harmless” bruise on half your face, and tomorrow the abuse can end in intensive care or death. It is important to protect your life and the lives of your children.

Spouses who are in a situation are not always clear on this.

If the first three points are not about you, you should wonder if divorce is even worth considering.

Crises as part of marriage

There are crises in the life of every couple. They are usually triggered by a new situation that cannot be resolved by conventional means. Every couple experiences these crises at different stages of life together.

One of the founders of family psychotherapy Virginia Satir singled out the following stages of family life which are especially prone to crises:

  • Birth of the first child;
  • the child mastering speech;
  • birth of the second child; children’s struggle for parental attention;
  • child goes to kindergarten/school;
  • adolescence in a child plus a mid-life crisis in a parent;
  • empty nest syndrome, when children have started their own lives and have a family of their own;
  • the wife’s menopause;
  • husband’s diminished libido;
  • the new roles of grandparents.

I would add to this list the beginning of life together, when the spouses move in together and begin to agree on the management of the household, the distribution of finances and other issues.

Renowned family psychologists Edmond Eidemiller and Victoras Yustitskis have identified crises associated with adverse events in family life:

  • illness of one of the spouses or a child;
  • financial crisis;
  • adultery;
  • conflicts with other people;
  • housing and household problems;
  • A change in the social status of one of the spouses;
  • excessive workload;
  • domestic violence;
  • adoption, guardianship.

Each crisis has its own difficulties and ways of overcoming them. Difficulties in relationships are inevitable. And when the issue of divorce comes up in conversations, it is important to understand which stage your family is at or which of the unfortunate situations it is in.

What exactly are the difficulties? What is preventing you from finding a way out of the situation? The answers to these questions will help you decide whether to keep the marriage or divorce.

For example, a young couple moved in together and started living together. And after a while faced with difficulties in the organization of everyday life: who cooks? Who cleans? Who goes to the store? Or the question of how to deal with finances became acute: who earns, who keeps them, who makes decisions about spending and so on.

How to agree not to get divorced

Carl Whitaker, a classic of family psychotherapy, wrote that conflict in the family is a struggle over “whose rules are right.” Each of the spouses remember the customs and traditions of his family, which he considers unshakable, and maybe never thought that there is another way.

If spouses are willing to listen to each other, share their preferences, fears, needs, habits, talk about their family traditions, and maybe even confess that he or she wasn’t allowed to handle financial matters at home and is now at a loss, it will give them more knowledge about each other and help them find a solution that works for both of them.

Often parents of a first-born child are on the verge of divorce. Beautiful pictures of other people on the Internet create unreasonable expectations of parenthood for the couple. And in fact the spouses find themselves facing a host of problems, many of which they can’t cope with – and should. Insecurity, shame, guilt towards each other and the environment for their own imperfections begin to destroy the relationship.

If the couple is ready to face their imperfection, recognize the presence of problems and lack of experience, there is an opportunity to overcome the crisis – perhaps by seeking help and support from more experienced parents, a psychologist and other professionals, thereby relieving the tension within the family.

In my practice, there was a couple whose conflicts and difficulties stemmed from the specifics of their personalities. Each of the spouses had experienced severe violence, bullying, humiliation and the death of a parent as children. Each of them underwent personal psychotherapy. This helped them understand more about themselves and their motivations for their actions, particularly in relation to each other. Sometimes it seemed to me and to them that it would be better for them to get a divorce. However, in the process of therapy, they came to the conclusion that if they got out of that relationship now, there was no guarantee that they would not end up in exactly the same one.

When to get a divorce and why a psychologist is needed

Spouses may face the fact that their opinions and views, goals and values are very different, and no one is ready to give in to each other. And then comes the time when both spouses recognize that their relationship has no development, and decide to divorce.

If to understand the situation independently do not work out, it is best to contact a family psychologist. Being inside the situation, being immersed in a lot of worries and emotions, it is difficult to be objective. A couple’s psychologist is an opportunity to get a sober look from the outside, to see the “point of difficulty”, to hear and understand each other, and only afterwards to make a balanced decision.

During and after a divorce, there are many organizational, “rearrangement” issues. If you can not come to a consensus on the division of property, child-rearing, and other issues, you may need a mediator. He helps the parties build a constructive dialogue and come to a compromise.

What to do if there are children in the family and divorce is imminent

Often couples decide not to divorce because there are children in the family – parents want to keep the family together for the sake of the child, so he will not be traumatized.

Let’s turn to experience to see if this approach is actually less traumatic for the child than a divorce.

How does divorce affect a child?

Divorce is an upheaval that will have repercussions either way. People who grew up in a single-parent family often have low self-esteem, low or, conversely, high levels of pretensions, high levels of anxiety, shyness in relationships with peers, insecurity and personal insufficiency, and difficulty in starting their own families.

What leads to this situation?

In the case of divorce, the child is afraid of losing the love of one of the parents, and at the same time of losing a sense of security. Anxiety and fears are amplified if parents keep the divorce a secret until the last moment.

In these situations, the child does not understand the motives for his or her father leaving the family, for example, and he or she takes the blame for the divorce – Dad left because I was bad. If the mother does not allow the child to communicate with the father, he will be afraid of losing his love because they will stop contact, but the child will also be afraid of losing his mother’s love if she finds out that he is communicating with his father.

Children experience divorce differently depending on their age. Infants under a year old are dependent on their mother’s emotional state. The mother’s anxiety is transmitted to the child, with the mother often either acting aloof or becoming hyperactive.

For children of preschool age, divorce becomes a violation of the stable family structure, the habitual relationship with parents changes, and attachment to parents escalates into conflict. Children become more irritable, aggressive, and divorce can provoke developmental delays. If the child is the only one in the family, he or she experiences the divorce more severely than in a situation where he or she has brothers or sisters with whom he or she can emotionally discharge. Adolescents have the hardest time with divorce. Experiencing a family split is superimposed on the complexities of adolescent change.

Research as well as experience has shown that exactly the same emotional problems arise in children from complete but dysfunctional, dysfunctional families, where quarrels and scandals often occur, where emotional detachment and coldness reign. Therefore, both divorce and life in a dysfunctional family leave a mark on the child’s character, development, and future life.

So the decision to keep the family for the sake of the child will not be less traumatic for him, because the relationship between the parents will remain tense. And as experience shows, parents, dissatisfied with family life, sometimes snapping not only on each other, but also take out their frustration on the child.

The position of the mother and father, their ability to cooperate after a divorce to a large degree determine the well-being of the child in an incomplete family.

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