How to overcome jealousy of the past?

How to stop being jealous of his wife to her past

Jealousy is not always justified, often this feeling poisons the relationship without reason. According to statistics, much more often jealous men. There are situations when negative emotions arise at the thought or talk about the past of a spouse, her intimate life with previous suitors. What are the reasons behind this behavior? Is it normal, what are the consequences to be prepared for?

About all this, as well as tips from psychologists, how not to be jealous of your wife’s intimate past, you can learn below.

Reasons for jealousy

To find effective ways to get rid of jealousy of his wife’s past, it is necessary to recognize the presence of the problem, understand it, and then determine the causes. Psychology emphasizes that awakens this negative feeling in a man’s imagination. It draws disturbing pictures that someone before him owned his woman.

Also common causes include:

  • self-doubt – self-criticism, low self-esteem generate thoughts in the head that you are not good enough for your spouse;
  • Lack of confidence in her – if your wife before you had many partners, you may consider it frivolous, fall in love, fickle;
  • Inexperience in intimacy – complexes, shame, unwillingness to liberate in bed, accompanied by thoughts that the woman is not satisfied and will seek pleasure on the side;
  • Misunderstandings – against the busyness of work, household, family chores partners do not pay due attention to each other, hence the suspicions, doubts;
  • Unstable relationships – against the background of frequent quarrels, scandals, pauses in the relationship, partners can not 100% trust each other;
  • thoughts about their own infidelity – often people prone to infidelity, blame the other half;
  • cultural traditions – it has long been normal for a woman to enter into an innocent marriage, hence the dislike of just the thought that she was with another guy before you.

Is it normal and what is the danger of such jealousy

The saying “Jealous – means he loves” is actually wrong. Constant suspicion only provokes treason. Violent feelings of jealousy requires self-control and suppression, otherwise it will lead to irreparable consequences. For example:

  • quarrels, scandals – destructive behavior draws misunderstandings, quarrels, deterioration of the microclimate in the family relationship;
  • Mutual recriminations – constant accusations in the direction of the spouse will provoke a defensive reaction in the form of reciprocal attacks;
  • Loss of respect – a demonstration of insecurity and low self-esteem sooner or later will cause your wife to stop respecting you;
  • Cheating – constant suspicions of cheating may push her if not to cheat, then to think about it;
  • Breakup of the marriage – the growing feeling and complete distrust will lead to the fact that the relationship will be put on pause or destroyed permanently.

How not to be jealous of your wife’s intimate past

If you somehow found out about the turbulent past of his wife, because of which within the rapidly growing feeling of jealousy, it is important to recognize the problem in a timely manner and to find ways to get rid of it. Open conversations with the woman, the maximum openness, willingness to work on himself – the keys to success.

There are several simple ways to stop being jealous of your wife’s past:

  • Awareness of reality, a sober perspective. You probably had relationships with other women before marriage, too. But that does not mean that you are a cheater. On the same principle, treat your chosen one.
  • No talk about the past. Psychologists strongly advise against telling the current elected woman about her former love affairs and ask her about it. They will not lead to anything good, only to heartache and doubts.
  • Admitting the problem, learning to control it. At first, it will not be easy to suppress the attacks, but with time you will be able to distract yourself with other positive thoughts much easier.
  • Respect for your partner. If this is not there, no connection will stand the test. No need to think badly of your spouse, considering her a dishonest person. Show respect for her, her choice, because no one is forcing her to live with you by force.
  • No judgments. No matter what was going on in her past life, no one has the right to blame her for her affairs, transgressions, frequent changes of partners, not even her current husband. This is someone else’s personal life, and, as you know, perfect people do not exist.

Advice from psychologists

Advice from a psychologist will tell you how to suppress jealousy of your wife’s past. Any experienced specialist will assign you 3 prescriptions for the preservation of the marriage in such a situation:

  1. Throw away bad thoughts from your head . Just forbid yourself to think about who your wife was with before you. She is with you here and now, focus on that. Suppress your anxiety with good memories of your relationship.
  2. Work on your self-esteem . To not be afraid that your spouse will prefer another man, value yourself. Set goals, achieve them, work on yourself. Nothing like overcoming obstacles, learning new skills.
  3. Stop judging, evaluating. Has your wife previously been unserious in her choice of men? Changed her sympathies? You can’t judge someone else’s actions in terms of your own morality. Everyone commits misdeeds, it’s not a reason to give up on a person.

As a rule, it’s poisoning your life to have unreasonable thoughts. In order not to give yourself reason to doubt anything, you can talk frankly, ask questions, ask about what worries you. Trusting and open relationships will prevent any misunderstandings and crises.

How to understand and forgive your wife’s jealousy

Getting rid of any negative emotions is based on several fundamental concepts in the psychology of interpersonal relationships. If you are overcome by jealousy of your chosen one’s past, but you are determined to rid yourself and her of the consequences of this feeling, follow these rules:

  • “understand” – to find the right man, women first make mistakes, connecting with unworthy partners, it must be understood;
  • “forgive” – even if she allowed herself serious faults in the relationship before you, frequently changed partners, showed recklessness, it does not mean that she will be the same with you, so forgive her past;
  • “forget” – if you have already made the mistake of talking to your wife about past partners and relationships, try to forget all this unnecessary information, put it out of your mind.

Even the most jealous guy is capable of forgiving, forgetting, understanding, if he has a strong feeling – love. It is necessary not to dig into the past, and trust each other, talk openly about any fears, doubts, feelings. If independent attempts to work on themselves were unsuccessful, you can both go to see a psychologist.

How to stop being jealous of your partner’s former relationships – says psychotherapist

For many, the thought of a partner’s past sexual and romantic experience is truly painful, and sometimes these thoughts can even destroy the relationship. If you are familiar with this, read an excerpt from the new book by world-renowned psychotherapist Robert Leahy “Jealousy. How to Live with It and Save a Relationship,” which is out from Peter Publishing.

Josh is anxious to go to a party where he knows Molly’s ex-boyfriend, Emmon, will also be there. It makes him anxious and angry, and he doesn’t know how to deal with it.

All he can think about is that Molly had sex with him, which instantly makes him acutely jealous. He knows that Molly broke up with Emmon because she thought he was too controlling and critical of her. She tells Josh that she has no desire to return to Emmon. But that’s not enough for Josh. “If I see him, I know I’m going to want to punch him in the face.” He realizes this is wrong, and it’s been six months since Molly and Emmon broke up, but his feelings are too strong at the moment.

It’s hard to imagine any of us without a past filled with romance, sensuality, and affection for someone. We do not live in a world of chaste virgins and total chastity. But many people are tormented by images of former lovers of their partners. They get upset at the thought of their partners being sexually intimate or in love with them.

If you have a similar experience, you may be comparing yourself to that other person you never met. You think about things like, “I wonder how many times he slept with her,” “He probably loved her more than he loved me,” “He must be thinking about her and comparing us.”

When experiencing jealousy of a former relationship, people think that the partner may still love that person, want to be with them, or fantasize about them

Read the following statements and see if you recognize yourself in them.

  • I often think about the fact that my partner had a lover in the past.
  • When I think about it, it makes me uncomfortable – I feel anxious and worried.
  • I wonder if their relationship was better than ours.
  • I want to be the only person my partner liked and was passionate about.

If any of these statements are true for you, you may be trapped in retrospective jealousy. Even if all is well in your current relationship, you may fixate on your partner’s past relationships, comparing yourself to his lovers and feeling anxious and angry because of it.

“I want to be the one.”

It seems natural for you to believe that your partner can only want you and have great sex exclusively with you. Part of the romantic ideal is that to our partners we are special and unique. At times we are convinced that partners should not find anyone else attractive while we are around them, and in cases of retrospective jealousy, we may be fueled by the belief that they have not been attracted to anyone else in the past. This is romantic perfectionism, in which there is something unique about our current relationship, as if all past relationships never existed. We become obsessed with integrity, believing that our partners may have been tainted by their past behavior. But such an assumption will only make us unhappy. Let’s look at it logically by asking ourselves a series of questions.

  • Why shouldn’t your partner have had pleasurable sex with someone else in the past?
  • Is it because you expect that he might have been attracted only to you?
  • Do you consider yourself the only person who could get him excited? Why should that be the case?
  • Why should you be the only sexy person in the world?
  • Is your partner the only person you have ever found attractive or enjoyed having sex with?
  • Does that mean you can’t be trusted? Does it seem possible?
  • Doesn’t it make sense that sexually active people might have enjoyed sex with other people?
  • Moreover, it is likely that you yourself have enjoyed sex with other people. Does this mean that your partner must feel threatened, too?

Why do you think you must be the only person in the world that your partner might desire?

Imagine if it were true. Out of six billion people in the world, your partner can only get sexual satisfaction because of you. It’s almost as if your current partner had been around for twenty or thirty years and no one was attracted to him-until you came along and everything changed.

That’s what I call lust perfectionism-the idea that your partner must have always been passionate about only you and no one else. We often do this by thinking about our partner’s past experiences and the potential fantasies or desires our partners might have today. This is based on the illusion of purity–the idea that true love requires purity and sexual abstinence. It is an illusion because in today’s world adults are freed from the barriers of harsh religious and cultural taboos often used to punish and even kill women. Moreover, we live in the twenty-first century.

New ways of looking at jealousy

Let’s look at the situation logically. Let’s imagine that you and your future partner are both thirty years old. You have just met. New acquaintance tells you, “I’m thirty years old, and I have never been attracted to anyone in this world sexually. I dated different women, but none of them caused in me a sympathy. But now I realize that I have the opposite feelings for you!”

What would you think? First, you might decide that he’s not telling the truth about his past. Or that there’s something wrong with him since he’s never been attracted or turned on by anyone else. You may wonder, “Is he severely depressed? Or maybe he’s unsure of his sexuality? What if he has some kind of illness?” And if one of these reasons has caused his lack of sexual desire in the past, what prognosis would you give for the future? Would his desire be trustworthy? This may seem implausible. But that’s exactly what might happen if you follow your illusions of purity and perfectionism of lust.

Self Accusations

Let’s turn to your own experience. Before you met your current partner, had you encountered people you desired and had sexual gratification with? Do you feel guilty about it? Perhaps it just means that you’ve had healthy, normal past experiences with other people. Should your current partner not trust you because of this?

Moreover, think about your past positive experiences. Wasn’t it enjoyable? Ask yourself if this means that you can’t love and take your current partner seriously. Maybe the pleasure you received with past partners means you can’t control yourself now. Do you constantly go back to your past partners and have sex with them? Why not? Probably because the past is the past for you.

Josh has had a lot of ex-girlfriends, but he worries about Molly’s ex-lover who will be at the party. When I ask him if she should be worried about his past relationships, he gets defensive, “What does she have to worry about? I love her! That relationship is over.” I ask him if Molly could have that point of view as well. Her past relationship is just something that happened in the past, period. Josh thinks for a moment and reluctantly admits, “You’re probably right. She should care just as much as I do.” Moreover, most relationships often end because one or both partners feel they are no longer worth it. When your past relationships ended, they opened up the possibility for the current relationship.

Evolutionary Mirror.

Another way to look at past sexual desires and relationships is to look at them from an evolutionary perspective. Sexual desire has evolved because it has adapted to humanity. The presence of sexual desire in many generations of humans is adaptive because it allowed our ancestors to reproduce. If the object of this urge were limited to a single person for each of us and we never met him, the continuation of the species would become impossible. In the context of evolution, it is somewhat absurd to believe that you will be the only person your partner can desire or achieve sexual satisfaction with.

You may believe that your partner’s past (or present) sexual desires will inevitably lead to action. Josh asked me, “If Molly desired Emmon, what would stop her from going back to him or having a relationship with someone else?” I noticed that Josh considered Molly’s sexual desires, her memories and even fantasies to be dangerous to himself. He was sure she would be seized by an uncontrollable sexual urge and stop controlling herself. This was reminiscent of the fusion of thought and action we mentioned earlier: “If Molly has a sexual urge, she will be driven by it. I offered to test this statement with his example.

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