How to make a decision to break up?

What to do – to stay or leave? How to make the right decision – parsing the reasons

I have loved writing since childhood and now copywriting has become a very exciting occupation for me, which I have turned into my profession.

Expert – Margarita Lopukhova

Family psychologist. I have been saving “family units” from disintegration for 8 years now. I help couples regain love and understanding.

Leave or stay if you start to feel that the relationship has outlived its life? This question asks a lot of people who have been together for a long time. Some in such advice is to take a piece of paper, divide it into two parts and write all the positive and negative aspects of the relationship, and then see which column will have more points. Except that this method is not always effective.

It is important to consider the emotional state of the person making such a list. Depending on how he or she is feeling at this moment, the number of items in each of the columns may differ significantly. For example, in a state of anger, he/she will write more negative things and will pick on even the smallest details. And the fear of being alone, by contrast, will cause to look for the pluses where there are none.

Family psychologists and psychotherapists have developed a special test that will more effectively assess the relationship. It is enough to simply note the points that are present in each specific situation, and then make the final decision: to leave or stay. It is worth considering that the higher the number of matches with the following criteria, the more seriously you need to think about breaking up.

Unpreparedness to be one

In a healthy relationship partners necessarily take into account each other’s opinions. But what if a man or woman regularly talks about breaking up or makes important decisions about their future together alone (such as changing jobs)? More often than not, this indicates that they are not yet ready to fully include their partner in their lives.

Another criterion for not being ready to become one is a failure to keep promises, whether they are big or trivial.

Lack of loyalty

This criterion can manifest itself in different variations:

  1. Repeated cheating.
  2. Relationships are relegated to the background. For a man or woman it is more important the interests of family, friends, co-workers, and not their own partner.
  3. Unwillingness to support no matter what. A loving partner will never criticize the actions of his or her partner in the presence of third parties. Moreover, he will be on the defensive, even if he feels that the partner is not quite right.

Lack of confidence and discretion

Now we need to answer a few more leading questions. What happens if the couple disagrees about something? Will they both be able to freely express their opinions or will one choose to remain silent so as not to anger their partner? Can a woman or man go out with friends or pursue their hobbies without getting a dose of irritation, resentment, anger or nagging from their significant other?

Negative answers to these questions mean a lack of freedom and confidence in the relationship.

Lack of Respect

This item can have many different manifestations. Just a few examples are worth pointing out for a general understanding.

Some people believe that the partner needs to be “brought up” from the very beginning of the relationship. As a result, empty complaints may begin to fall on him (“You take too long on the phone”), even quite serious decisions are made for him (“I bought a gym membership, you need to lose weight”), his idea of a happy relationship is imposed on him and a clear desire to “tweak” the person’s views to suit his own is demonstrated.

In other cases the disrespect may manifest itself in harsh criticism of preferences (“How can you listen to this artist’s music?”), deliberate downgrading of mental abilities (“You won’t understand it anyway”) or doubts about the partner’s abilities (“Let me do it myself, you won’t get the way you need to”).

The famous moral philosopher and writer François de Larochefoucauld said good words on this subject: “The permanence of love relationships are of two kinds: we stay with a person either because we constantly find new qualities in him, in which we fall in love again and again, or we perceive permanence as a duty of honor.

Loss of Respect

If in the previous case there is no respect in the relationship initially, in this case it is gradually lost over time. And the reasons, again, can be very many. How can you respect a person who gives up at the slightest problem and does not even try to solve it? How can you respect a person who often gets drunk, and then does not understand what he says and does? How to respect someone who does not want to take responsibility for their own actions and life?

It is very difficult to stay together with a partner who has lost respect in the eyes of his mate. It is very difficult to restore it and it will require the efforts of two parties at once. Otherwise, between the options “leave or stay” will soon choose the first one.

The emergence of secret plans.

It happens that a person is ready to leave his partner, but does not realize it yet. This is because it happens at a subconscious level. As an example, we can think of situations when a man or woman begins to conduct business negotiations, plan to move to another city or travel while on vacation, but none of this their partner knows about, because he was not told.

Differing Attitudes About Life

Everyone has probably heard that opposites tend to attract each other. So it happens in relationships. But such unions often end in separation because of the different positions in life. For example, a housewife will be quite difficult to “get along” with a guy, partygoer, who does not miss a single party. Although in this case, all is not so sad, because the couple can agree and find a compromise.

Very different things are in cases where views on life differ very radically. This applies to situations when, for example, a woman dreams of a large family and children, and the man does not need it. Or when a woman dreams of building a career, and her partner believes that her main task – to sit at home and cook borscht.

Lack of common interests

Harmonious relations can not keep only on the joint education of children or other household concerns. It is good if partners are united by something other than the same roof over their heads. This can be anything: joint sports activities, common friends, the same hobbies and so on.

Lack of laughter

It would seem that what does laughter have to do with a harmonious relationship or a decision to break it off? But don’t underestimate this criterion. Couples who know how to genuinely laugh at their problems will noticeably reduce their significance. The lack of smiles and laughter in their life together is an alarming sign of the beginning of the end.

Lack of physical contact

It’s not just about sex right now. If partners no longer feel desire to kiss or hug each other, hold hands or even experience disgust at the thought of this – it is better to break up and not torture each other.

At this point the test is over and now you can count the results to make a final decision: to leave or stay. And for those who still can not make up their mind, a few more tips.

Start being yourself.

It’s time to stop hiding your opinion to please your partner. A couple can do a little experiment and agree to always tell each other only the truth about what they really think. This is a great way to check whether there is a future for the relationship. After all, now the incompatibility may become even more obvious.

There is no need to worry about the opinions of others

When making a decision regarding the termination or continuation of a relationship, the opinion of those around you should not be considered at all. Who cares about a person’s personal life? Yes, a friend/girlfriend, mother, sister or other close people want only good things. But there is no need to make the atmosphere even worse by sharing their fears and worries. In such a situation, you need to rely only on yourself and your own feelings, and not try to conform to someone else’s expectations and standards.

Negotiate with yourself

During the making of serious decisions that can completely change your life, a person suddenly “wakes up” two inner voices that contradict each other. One of them firmly believes that the decision to leave is the best option that will lead to a bright future. And the other worries and says that one should not make such a big mistake.

The first thing to do is to be able to suppress the inner conflict. Psychologists advise to have a dialogue between the “Confident Me” and the “Cautious Me”. Let their conversation begin with the words: “I do not like the fact that you …. Then you may describe all the claims of the “Confident Me” to the “Cautious Me. After that, the second person should “speak out. It is best not to scroll through such a dialogue in one’s head, but write it down on a piece of paper. It should last until all thoughts about the situation have been expressed. Inner voices in this case will converge in unison.

There is no such thing as a dead end.

From time to time clients come to psychologists who cannot break up a relationship because of fear of loneliness or major life changes. One of the experts shared the way of solving the problem.

It is necessary to constantly repeat to yourself: “This is my life and I can do with it all that I want. Up to and including changing my name or going to live in America. At this point, the reaction of almost all clients is the same. They talk about how they can’t do it and give specific reasons why. For example, they have children to take care of. The psychologist offers to leave the children with her husband and do what they want, but the answer is still, “I can’t do that.

And here begins the most important stage of therapy. The therapist offers to replace the words “I can’t” with “I won’t. Soon the scheme begins to work and changes occur in the patient’s life. Some realize that they still want to maintain the relationship and make every possible effort to do so. Others gain faith in the future and learn that there is always a choice.

And what if you only have six months to live?

Another psychological technique is to suggest that the person imagine that he or she has only six months to live. In such a situation, important decisions are made much faster, because no one wants to spend the remaining days searching for an answer to the question “To leave or to stay?”

The person who made the decision to break up will now do so without the slightest doubt. And the one who wanted to stay, will begin to fix the things that do not suit him in the relationship. But regardless of the decision, this method is a great way to see the reality of the situation, to prioritize and understand what is really valuable to the person.

When it is worth it to save a relationship.

Most of this article was about ways to deal with yourself and the criteria that indicate you need to end the relationship. It would be unfair to leave out the signs that tell you that things can still be saved.

  1. Although there are disagreements, partners can share each other’s joys and experiences. It is important in a relationship to be able to talk and it is very good if this persists even after quarrels.
  2. Periodically continue to have “butterflies in the stomach” from the touch of the other half. There is no need to restrain the desire to suddenly kiss or hug your man (or woman), or to have spontaneous sex. It is important to remember that such manifestations of feelings are the real “magic pill” that will help to survive any crisis.
  3. The partner is open to dialogue and ready to change for the sake of the future together. This means that he really cares about the relationship.
  4. Next to the other half can be himself and not be afraid to fail in her eyes. There really are not many such people, so it is worth thinking twice before you decide to finally break up.
  5. Partners grow and develop together.
  6. Both partners know how to make concessions and seek compromise.

One last thing. No matter what the final decision to leave or stay, you need to be sure that it is the right one in a particular situation. And then awaits a bright and happy future.

For more on how to start a relationship again, see our article further down the link.

Breakup or NO: The surest way to make up your mind and let go of the past

Do not try to step on the same rake! Psychologist Alexander Kuzmichev on how NOT to make a decision about the breakup.

If you thought the title of the article strange, then you are definitely not a family psychologist. And not a psychotherapist who works with neuroses. Because the topic of separation and subsequent experiences is a rare hot topic. But first things first. Let’s start with how you don’t have to make the decision to break up.

How not to make a decision about the breakup.

  • Don’t set yourself any limits.
  • At the same time remove pathos from your head.
  • Stop trying to look for cause and effect chains
  • Turn off thinking about destiny.
  • Stop weighing the pros and cons.
  • Stop thinking that your partner is “good.
  • Stop remembering what you had.
  • Don’t dare go into Vanga mode.
  • Stop the internal haggling.

Don’t put limits on yourself.

Don’t tell yourself “I need to make a decision. “I can’t put my decision off any longer. “This can’t go on like this” . Any frame described above or similar only increases your inner tension, reduces your ability to think and focus. That is, it puts you in a state of stress. No more than that.

At the same time, get the pathos out of your head.

“To be or not to be” is a good phrase for Shakespeare, but not for everyday life. The more pathos, the more emotion. The less chance you have of deciding to do anything. But more opportunities to open Pandora’s box and dive into emotional assessments.

Put a stop to trying to look for cause-and-effect chains.

Any analysis of what happened before will inevitably lead to the search for the guilty, the responsible, the evaluation of the ineffectiveness of the actions taken, the connection of memories of random and unforeseen circumstances and… in a few minutes you will already be fighting with the windmills of the past more than the famous Don Quixote.

And turn off thinking about destiny.

Reflections in the style of “Well, we met,” or “I guess I’m not destined to build a relationship with him,” allows classically shift the locus of control over the situation to the point where no one can do anything. The only thing to do is sigh sadly and feel sorry for yourself and your wasted years.

Don’t weigh the pros and cons.

It does NOT work. Not at all. There is a logic to the contrary. If logic in deciding to break up worked, then…you wouldn’t have the problem of breaking up. You would just count the number of items in both columns and happily make a decision. In practice, it is enough to write something down or count, and then think “what if I’m wrong” or “but we had so-and-so”. And that’s it, all the analysis goes down the drain.

Stop thinking that your partner is “good.

After all, it’s butter. It is clear that if all of yourself is so good YOU have found a person, a partner for life, then … it is quite a good (for YOU) person. But any degree of “goodness” only reflects the personality of your partner, not your mutual ability to live together. It’s like having a 3 meter refrigerator with 2.75 meter ceilings. Great stuff, but not for your ceilings.

Stop remembering what you had.

Whether you had something good, or memorable. Or even if you had a lot of bad things. Everything you’ve had in no way brings you any closer to a solution in the current moment. Not at all. Not at all. But it binds your mind to the voluminous past and postpones your decision-making indefinitely.

Don’t you dare go into Vanga mode.

If you start thinking about what you can have, in spite of the difficulties you are facing, then you immediately turn on the acceleration of your anxiety, and completely lose the thin thread of control over yourself and the situation in which you find yourself.

Cancel the internal bargaining.

Many people try to start an internal bargaining process at the moment they make the decision to break up. Well, I can do this or that. I can shut out her/his flaws. And I can also try not to think about the past. I can try to forget the wrongs that have happened. I, in the end, I feel good, from the fact that I get this and I manage to get this … But as the father of Russian democracy said: “Bargaining is not appropriate here” …

And all because people go into a relationship for love, or passion, or whatever … But always for the realization of their desires and needs. Always. And then it makes sense to ask yourself:

Can I now realize the needs (desires) that are meaningful to me?

Can I? Well, is it worth it to keep building a relationship?

Can’t? Well, since I can’t, why reinvent the wheel? Breaking up is the beginning of a new phase in life.

The question that might arise here, though, is:

How do I get over someone?

  • We have so much in common.
  • He meant so much to me
  • I feel hard and bad now
  • I think about him/her a lot
  • I feel emotionally bad and hard …

STOPP…you’ve been there. Above in the text of the article. Don’t try to step on the same rake!

You go into a relationship to fulfill your needs. So take care of them. Start fulfilling them. Now and for the sake of yourself published econet.ru.

Author Alexander Kuzmichev

P.S. And remember, just changing our consciousness – together we change the world! © econet

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