How to live after a divorce with his wife?

Life after a divorce with his wife: recommendations of a psychologist

It is believed that divorce is more difficult for women, for her it is much more difficult morally and financially than for men, because she is left alone, most often with a child, maybe not even one. Society assumes overnight the position that the woman is the victim and the man is the tyrant who has abandoned his family and children to the mercy of fate. However, this is not always the case, it is worth exploring in more detail.

According to the WHO, divorce has a heavy effect on men, they suffer from depression twice as often as women. Divorce is the end of a broken relationship, a difficult stressful situation, which is comparable in tragedy to the loss, the death of a loved one.

It is safe to say that a man’s life after divorce is not as cloudless and easy as it may seem.

When people get divorced, it always seems like such a tragedy. Meanwhile, the tragedy can be the decision to continue living together.

Monica Bellucci

There can be a huge number of reasons for divorce. The main ones are:

Bad habits and addictions of one of the spouses;

Divergence of values, goals in life, interests.

Divorce can be divided into two types. The first, where the decision was made by both parties, both spouses have come to the decision that it is necessary to separate. The second and most common type – where the initiator is one party.

Divorce has several stages:

Making the decision to separate, weighing and deliberating.

Legal and financial divorce.

Parental and social.

Adaptation after divorce.

How to survive a divorce with your wife.

It happens that a couple goes to a psychologist even at the decision stage, when both want to save the marriage, but can not settle some points, do not find common ground, conflict. In this case there is a chance that the family can be preserved, provided that both want to.

If the divorce does happen, all family members are under stress. Men after a divorce suffer no less than women, but their experiences are hidden away from loved ones and even more so strangers. Therefore, the impression of indifference to what is happening is created, which further annoys those around them.

Why is it more difficult for men to survive the dissolution of the marriage

Men and women perceive divorce differently and experience it differently too. Ex-wife falls into depression literally from the first days, tears, fear, despair does not leave her, she shares her experiences with family, friends, relatives, support her, help cope with difficulties, a certain period and the woman picks herself up, begins a new life.

The psychology of the man after a divorce is different, he behaves in a different way. For many divorce is a great surprise, although the preconditions were to him, but often the head of the family does not realize that all is serious, and this time it’s over.

According to statistics, the initiator of divorce in the vast majority is a woman, it is she who has already made a decision about the divorce, thought out their next steps and put before the fact the spouse, thus putting him in a deadlock. Men can cheat, even have children on the side, quietly hate their spouse, but they decide to divorce much less often.

It is not at all customary for the stronger sex to cry or complain to anyone, for it is not proper for him to grieve for his wife who has gone away. That is why he experiences all these negative emotions inside himself, without discussing them or spilling them out to others, otherwise he admits his weakness.

It is a double strain on the psyche.

Separation from the children adds to the pain and suffering. In Russia, the children almost always stay with their mother; moreover, the court often establishes days when the father and children meet, which further aggravates the situation. The man misses his children, he misses spending time with them, now there is no opportunity to raise them and watch them grow up.

Stress covers all areas of life – there is no family now, the workplace can also lose its hands, there is a sense of loss of identity: Who am I? – this is the question the newly minted bachelor asks himself, before I was a husband, a father, and now who? There is a lack of understanding about how to go on living.

Resentment, uncertainty and many other feelings tear the soul. Hiding these feelings from others, the man feels great stress, devastation, confusion. However, to admit his pain or share it seems unthinkable, the stronger sex is not accepted to grieve for his lost love, and the divorce more often causes congratulations from colleagues and friends.

To disguise his feelings, a man can embark on “all the worst”: meetings with friends, alcohol, drugs, new women and emotions, the list goes on and on. Can do something that he had long wanted to, but could not because of circumstances, family matters, for example, start carving wood or breed cattle.

Many ex-wives note that their husbands began to behave inappropriately and very unusually: exemplary, serious fathers forgot about their children completely, and quiet and calm began to drink, partying all day long. This is how a man comforts his ego, trying to prove to himself that he is needed, that he is needed.

This is the stage of denial, to sum it all up. The former spouse has not yet fully realized the essence of what is happening, equates his position to freedom, the removal of fetters, can even rejoice in the absence of many obligations. This period lasts, on average, from a few months to a year and a half to two years.

Anger is another stage that will have to be felt in full. It will come frequently and suddenly, and both the man himself and the people around him will suffer from it. It will be much more difficult to let go of the past without this stage.

Bargaining. The shortest and shortest period, the period when the man will want to return everything back to the way it was. To go back to the old way of life. During the time that has passed since the divorce, he will reconsider his position a thousand times, he will be overcome with longing for his family, for his children, he will constantly seek meetings with his wife and even try to mend his relationship with her and return her, resuming the marriage.

Depression. The most protracted stage. In different cases, it can drag on for up to 5 years. Statistically, after a divorce, men are twice as likely to commit suicide during the first 2-3 years, which is the hardest and most dangerous period.

Compared with a woman who immediately falls into depression after a divorce, but after a few months takes the will into fist and starts a new life, a man realizes everything after a while, when the new relationship disappointed and freedom does not satisfy, loneliness began to annoy, the lack of comfort, care and comfort in the house is unbearable, he feels broken and can not cope with negative emotions.

Find out if you are depressed Take the Beck test

We recommend reading the interesting article “Stages of Depression.

It will be especially difficult against the backdrop of closely following the fate of an ex-spouse, whose life may be going quite smoothly. This results in desolation, suicidal thoughts, and more. It is very important not to let this stage drag on and see a specialist in time.

Acceptance. The final stage. Here the man accepts the divorce as a fait accompli, the past no longer arouses negative emotions, it is remembered as a separate period in his life. At this stage the man is already ready to build a new relationship.

Divorce is an emergency exit in case of fire. When a house burns down, it doesn’t matter who set it on fire. If there is no emergency exit, everyone burns!

Mehmet Murat Ildan.

What not to do after the dissolution of a marriage

After the dissolution of the marriage a man rules the anger, rage, resentment, and at every opportunity he starts to take revenge on his wife, trying to hurt, humiliate or insult in every way, completely forget about decency and completely loses his common sense. It is important to understand that now you are in the power of emotions and feelings, and you need to keep yourself “in control.

Searching for a reason for divorce, digging up the past, memories – from them it won’t get easier, on the contrary, quarrels, scandals and resentments from the past will only aggravate the situation.

Property division. Extremes should be avoided ranging from dividing cups, spoons and shampoo to housing, cars and more. Many men either leave everything that was jointly acquired wife, so that nothing would remind of the past life, or try to take away even the unfortunate, innocent TV set and vacuum cleaner. You will not have the courage to divide, so try to come to terms with it.

Parenting. Again, without extremes, the child – this is not a thing, you can not try to take him away, or rather you can, but do not. It is important to distribute the duties of care, pastime. You should not set your son or daughter against the “half-mother”, even if you truly believe so, and in this you remain parents forever, even if the family failed to keep.

You should also not forget about the existence of your offspring, see them regularly, it is very important. Many fathers after a divorce completely forget about their children, believing that child support is enough. No, it is not enough.

Endless communication. Forget with a new partner, perhaps, and will get, but not for long. Self-confidence it will add, if only temporarily.

Denial of love and tender feelings in marriage. That’s life, feelings change, passion cools, but that doesn’t mean that there weren’t good, happy moments at all. The ideal would be to admit that the feelings were there, but over time, they weakened or disappeared altogether.

Addictions. Alcohol, drugs, the Internet, gambling . All of this is not the best way to forget, it will drag that then there is no stopping, it is better not to start.

Confidence that the marriage has broken down and there is no way to return the relationship. Life is a series of events, nothing stays the same. After emotions have subsided, resentment and pain have calmed down, it is quite possible that feelings will flare up with renewed vigor and you will realize that this was the best woman of your life, so don’t take it for granted.

Disappointment will either destroy you or lead to success – it all depends on what you choose.

How do you behave after divorcing your wife?

Keep your relationship with your wife as formal as possible, try to avoid arguments, insults, and clarification of the relationship, especially in front of the children. Two adults need to have patience and strength to talk through all the details of the divorce and child-rearing without getting personal, without blaming each other. It is difficult, especially in the first few months, but it is possible.

A man’s behavior after a divorce when there are children

If you have children, you will still have to be in contact with your wife for the rest of your life after the divorce, so it is in your interest to build an adequate relationship, too. Moreover, in order to avoid the unenviable fate of “Sunday dad”, in the literal sense of the word, it is worth to talk through all these points and achieve mutual understanding.

According to the laws of the Russian Federation, in most cases, a daughter or son will stay with his mother, except for adult children over 10 years old who will be asked by the court who they want to stay with. The reality is that children are more likely to stay with their mother. Therefore, it is important to learn a few things:

The offspring needs his father, just like his mother, alimony and gifts are no substitute for live communication and participation in life.

Even if you have a new family and there are children there as well, divide your time so that there will be enough attention for everyone.

Participate in your child’s life as much as possible, call, visit, go for walks together, take part in his fate. This will allow you to avoid hatred and resentment in the future from your adult son or daughter.

Don’t turn against the mother, her relatives, don’t make him choose between mom and dad, because love for parents is the same. Don’t stoop to this – it’s completely unmasculine. Children will grow up and draw their own conclusions.

A man’s behavior after divorce if there are no children

Divorce without offspring is easier to endure morally, financially and much faster. You and your spouse will only divide the property and wish each other happiness. In fact, this is not always the case. Endless recriminations, scandals, clarification of relations, who is right, who is wrong. Take over your emotions at this point, give in if necessary, agree to something.

This will speed up the process of separation and save both of them from psychological trauma. Realize that everyone makes mistakes, it is normal, it is important to analyze your life, actions, words, learn a lesson and move on.

How to get your ex-wife back after a divorce and is it worth it?

Often, after some time overcome by the desire to return everything, his wife, his family, the past. It is important to realize the sincerity of your intentions. If you are bored bachelor life, numerous intimate life did not meet expectations, the freedom does not seem so sweet, not enough care, comes to realize that his wife was the best, so familiar and familiar, then you may want to think.

Do you miss your ex-wife, or do you miss your family, your life, your serious relationship? Very often, the “walked on”, a man tries to mend fences with his wife, wants to get her back. However, this desire is often associated with a desire to have a family, just a willingness to have a new, serious relationship. And the ex-wife has nothing to do with it.

It is possible that you should try to start a new relationship, to try to open your heart to another woman. It is extremely important to determine your feelings.

If you realize that you do love your ex-wife and want to be reunited, you need to identify the issues that caused the marriage to break up, because neither you nor your wife have changed since then, and you are unlikely to change, which means you will have to change your attitude about certain things or behaviors. Of course, it’s worth checking with your ex-wife to see if she, too, has a desire to rebuild the family.

Just because someone does not love you now, does not mean that they never loved you.

How do I get over my wife after the divorce?

It may be that she is already in a new relationship and she is doing great, then you should let go of the idea and take care of yourself:

Get rid of all things, items that remind you of your wife, don’t follow her life on social media, don’t visit places where you’ve been together often.

Get rid of feelings of guilt, the marriage fell apart, the fault of both and nothing can change, but you can and should learn from the lessons and go through a divorce with his wife with minimal losses.

Engage in self-fulfillment, spend twice as much time on the work that makes you happy. Set goals and go boldly to them.

Exercise, working out is a good stress reliever and gives a sense of vigor.

Socialize more with friends, movies, cafes, joint walks will have a positive impact on your mood.

Go on a trip, it’s a great way to distract yourself; it always works Find a hobby, a hobby, an interesting occupation.

Consult a professional psychologist.

Start working with a psychologist right now.

Common mistakes that men make in divorce.

The most common mistakes after a divorce:

Rushing into a new relationship or promiscuous, multiple relationships. In this case, you can’t drive a wedge out with a wedge. Men often seek to have new relationships after divorce, thereby proving to yourself, your ex and society its relevance, rubbing his ego, drowning out feelings of longing. Practice shows that new relationships on the background of old wounds and resentments will not succeed and they will also fail.

Conflict with your spouse, clarification of relations, arguments will only lead to increased stress on both sides.

Self-isolation. Cutting ties with society, friends, relatives, the desire to break all social ties, self-injury, search for the problem, the endless analysis of the situation, withdrawal will only worsen the feeling of self and the situation.

Alcohol abuse, drug abuse and other types of psychological and chemical dependencies.

How to get over a divorce with his wife and start a new life

It is impossible to get through a divorce and start a new life without going through all the stages from denial, anger to acceptance of the situation. Divorce is a hard test for all family members, men are no exception, they have much harder psychologically than women.

They keep their emotions to themselves, as a result of which become patients of cardiologists and neurologists and other doctors. Unwelcomed emotion, resentment, stored in the soul for years, can destroy not only the mental but also physical health.

Help of a psychologist after a divorce with his wife

Timely referral to a psychologist will help you to quickly let go of the situation, accept it and your new position, to smooth out conflicts, to find common language with your ex-wife, to deal with their feelings, not to traumatize the children. Specialist will tell you how to get out of a mental crisis, believe in the family, marriage, believe that life goes on, to realize their mistakes and learn lessons.

It will help you to work through your self-esteem, build boundaries, realize the mistakes in your previous marriage and avoid them in your new relationship. You will believe in yourself and in the fact that life with divorce is not over and if you wish you can find a loved one and live a happy life with him or her.

The information presented in this material is for guidance only and cannot replace a professional doctor’s consultation. If you notice any signs of depression due to your wife’s divorce, consult with a specialist!

Tips from psychologists on how to start a new life after a divorce with your wife

To start to live a full life again, you need to rethink what is happening, to overcome your emotions and learn to be calm about the fact of loss of contact with a loved one.

Men experience grief a little differently than women. The big problem of the stronger sex is that emotions are not expressed outwardly, a man keeps the experience inside himself, and unprocessed negativity only worsens the condition.

How to start a new life after a divorce with his wife, parting with the girl you love, we tell below.

The main fears of men after the rupture of previous relationships

Any breakup is a strong stress. A person loses confidence in himself, he may feel that he was treated unfairly. There is a feeling of guilt and loss and there is a risk of severe depression. A man after a breakup is subject to various fears.

The main ones are:

  1. Another such woman as the departed partner will not be. She is the only, unique, and it is impossible to find someone like her.
  2. A new relationship will again end in failure. If there have been several difficult breakups in life, then after the next breakup, the fear may be very strong.

The occurrence of various fears after a relationship breakup is a normal condition for both sexes. But it is necessary to work with negative moods in order to start a full life again.

How to deal with them?

It is necessary to work on themselves, to realize their own mistakes, to understand why the breakup occurred, what led to it. Working on your fears is a long process:

  1. Understand that there are many interesting women in the world, so you can always find one that will become a life partner.
  2. Evaluate the most basic fears, why they appeared, what they are based on. Understand that most of them arise at a time of transition, when there was a breakup, but the situation is not yet fully released.
  3. New relationships will not necessarily follow the same patterns and end in failure. But for them to be really successful, it is important to analyze what behavior to avoid.
  4. If a man constantly chooses the same type of woman, you need to find out why this is happening. Perhaps the problem comes from childhood, when a certain type of partner was formed, for example, similar to his mother.
  5. Begin a new relationship should not be based on emotions and physical attraction, and carefully analyze whether this is the woman with whom you want to be near.

In the process of healing from a past relationship it is important to exclude any contact with a former partner. The worst thing that can happen is to regularly monitor the woman’s life. You shouldn’t try to find out who she’s spending time with, what she looks like, what she’s interested in. It is important to eliminate any anchors that stir up old emotions again.

How much time should you give yourself to live the suffering after a breakup?

The period when a person comes to his senses after a breakup is different for everyone.

For some, a month will be enough to get over the stress of the breakup. Another man will remember his former partner for a year, not wanting to build a new relationship.

Considering your own psychological peculiarities, you need to set yourself a time frame: how much time you need to come to your senses after the breakup. After this, you need to give yourself the opportunity to fully experience the situation, going through all the stages of grief.

The first time a person is in a state of shock. It has not yet come to the understanding that the union is destroyed, and the woman is no longer there. For some, three days will be enough, while for another man, the shock stage can last for two weeks.

Then there are negative feelings, anger about what happened. After this there may be a desire to regain the lost relationship. The next stage is depression, which must be overcome.

At this time, it is better to be alone or to occupy yourself with something, so that there are as few negative thoughts as possible. And only at the end of residing in grief is the acceptance of the fact that the separation was accomplished, and it is necessary to move on.

If the stages are not completed correctly, the person may live through them over and over again. The longer the relationship was, the stronger the emotional connection with the person, the longer it may take to live through the grief.

How to let go of resentment, stop suffering and start a new life?

It is difficult to accept that a breakup has happened right away. There will be emotions of resentment, anger, sadness, not understanding why this happened. Working with your inner state is a difficult and volitional process.

What to do if you split up with his girlfriend:

  • Conduct an analysis of your psychological state, at what stage of living with grief you are;
  • Understand that every person has the right to choose – if a woman left, it was her decision, you can not force a man to be there if he does not want to;
  • Stop blaming yourself for what is happening – two people are building a relationship, and most likely there were mistakes on both sides;
  • Occupy yourself with something – one of the effective ways to get rid of negative emotions is physical activity, you do not need to burden yourself heavily, you can go to the pool, go jogging, cycling;
  • find an activity that will distract from negative thoughts, like a hobby; devote more time to work;
  • Make sure that you have a good rest, so there was a maximum of positive emotions.

Do not dwell on your own suffering, over and over again digesting the events that occurred. When negative thoughts arise, tell yourself to “stop” and change them to positive ones.

What to do, how to behave?

Fall into a deep depression, completely limit contacts with people – not the best option for living with grief.

You should not reject new acquaintances, but at first it is better to limit yourself to some light flirting. Acquaintances with women increase self-esteem, allow you to forget about your former partner for a while.

Taste for life will help to feel a change of activity, a habitual way of life. It is useful to go on vacation, go on a business trip, find yourself an interesting occupation.

Nothing should remind you of the woman who left. Therefore it is better to remove the photos, things, gifts, do not go to her page in social networks, do not call or write. If there is a chance to meet in the general company, for the time being it is better to exclude such contacts or meet with friends in her absence.

Men find it difficult to show their own emotions outwardly; they experience negativity within themselves, which often leads to health problems. If you feel anger, you need to vent it out (of course, without harming other people). If you want to cry, there is nothing wrong with it – so the psyche is cleared of negativity.

How to find yourself a hobby, why is it important?

Busyness is the best medicine in the period of experiencing loss. It is not necessary to burden yourself exclusively with work, especially since it can lead to an overload of the body, mentally and physically.

A good way to distract yourself is any hobby. For men it’s fishing, paintball, shooting. If you want more relaxed hobbies, it’s constructing, collecting.

How to find a hobby:

  • Think about what you wanted to do before, it is quite possible that there is an unrealized dream;
  • Try your hand at different kinds of activity;
  • analyze your abilities and talents, what you do best, what skills you would like to improve and develop;
  • Explore what interesting types of hobbies there are, among the various options will probably find something attractive.

In the search for a new hobby, first and foremost the desire is important. A dangerous state when you don’t want to do anything, it can linger, so it is better to engage in even the simplest of activities that give pleasure.

Is it always worth it to start a new love relationship?

New relationships immediately after a breakup often begin in the hope that the previous partner will forget.

However, this often leads to various problems . Old feelings are still alive, and the memories of the ex-girlfriend interfere with the full development of the relationship.

As a result, two people suffer, and the new partner does not receive enough attention and love.

If the breakup has not passed all stages, then you should not think about a new serious relationship yet. Grief must be experienced completely, so that old emotions subside, and thoughts do not constantly return to the woman with whom the breakup occurred.

The main mistakes

So, what you should not do if you split up with your partner:

  1. Blame your ex for what happened. There are always two people in any quarrel.
  2. Taking revenge. This will add negative emotions, turn a woman against herself, and lower the respect of other people. It is necessary to maintain dignity and not stoop to revenge.
  3. Trying to forget your ex-girlfriend by starting a relationship with the first girl. There remain unworked mistakes and emotions, this can prevent the full construction of a new relationship. In addition, during this period, it is easy to make a mistake in choosing a new partner, which will lead to another disappointment.
  4. Trying to numb the pain with alcohol or illegal substances. The situation will only worsen, aggression will intensify, leading to conflicts with other people and unacceptable behavior.
  5. Frequently change women in an attempt to forget. It is better to be alone temporarily for now, and when the pain of separation subsides, start looking for a new partner with whom it will be comfortable.

Useful video

With what to start a new life after a breakup, the video will prompt:


The length of the breakup experience depends on the right approach, the desire to get out of the negative state and the desire to start a new, happy life.

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