How to get over a breakup with a loved one: 7 steps
We often hear people say how beautiful life is, but at the moment of parting with a loved one you do not feel that way.
The world is painted in dark colors, the earth is gone from under your feet, and breathing, as if it becomes more difficult. You don’t understand why you are living and what you are living for.
Breaking up with someone you have loved with all your heart for a long period of time can be one of the most difficult events.
When you break up with your partner or your partner is the initiator of the breakup, you will have to work hard to overcome the heartache. Even if you try hard, it doesn’t mean that the heartache will be able to subside in one or two weeks. Some people spend months or even years on it.
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You want so badly to go back to the old days, but alas, it’s impossible.
You have to understand that even after a breakup, life goes on. You have to overcome this obstacle correctly.
We will tell you what to do in order to accept the fact of the breakup, go through the grieving process and forget about the heartache forever.
How do you get over a breakup?
How to glue the shards of a broken heart: understanding, acceptance and awareness of the breakup
Analyzing your past relationships
The first step to ending a relationship and accepting a breakup is understanding the situation itself.
We have different experiences from each person, meaning that a relationship with one partner can be drastically different from a relationship with another.
Based on one study, psychologists came to this conclusion: “There are three basic types of relationships” .
If you understand what type of relationship you are in, then it will be easier for you to overcome the breakup with your partner.
But how do you distinguish another quarrel from the final breakup?
Here comes the period when you decide to break up. There may be many reasons, but we’ll look at one of the possible ones.
Shortcomings that we didn’t notice at the beginning of the relationship can begin to make us nervous over time.
For example, your partner may have a habit of picking his or her ears during lunch or dinner.
If you have just started dating, such habits may even amuse you, or you may think it is your lover’s thing, meaning it doesn’t bother you in any way.
As your relationship develops, disagreements may arise. For this reason, you will begin to notice some strange actions of your partner, and they will begin to irritate you a lot.
Maybe you were fine with this behavior of your lover, you let him do it and thought it was even nice, but now it is more annoying than hilarious.
You will begin to react more vividly to the various shortcomings of your partner.
This is when you make one of the most important decisions in a relationship: to change for the sake of making the relationship joyful, or to leave everything as it is.
Partners who don’t want to change end up breaking up with great scandal.
Why does your mind suffer from breakups?
Breaking up is a very sensitive process. People don’t decide to break up in a second, but spend a long time weighing the pros and cons to see if their relationship can still be saved.
At this point, our minds behave in a very strange way. We are unable to concentrate, obsessed with the desire to see our former lover again, we feel hopelessness and despair, we think that we will remain lonely until the end of our days.
But why is it not only our heart that suffers, but even our brain?
To get to the bottom of this difficult matter, researchers at Columbia University studied the brain activity of people who had recently experienced a breakup.
The researchers found that the part of the brain responsible for physical pain reacted when subjects were shown pictures of their former partners.
In another experiment, scientists found that the brain’s reaction after a breakup was similar to the brain’s reaction after a person stops taking drugs.
A person’s desire to see their former partner is similar to an addicted person’s desire to take another dose.
While we were in a relationship, our brain received a sea of positive emotions, which it perceived as a reward, but after the breakup, our mind does not feel the pleasant emotions for a certain period of time.
How do your attitudes change after a breakup?
Why do you and your partner handle the breakup differently?
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No matter how hard a breakup is for you, it doesn’t mean that your former lover will be just as acutely affected by the breakup. It may seem unusual to many people that their former partner is dealing with the breakup in a completely different way.
Although it may be frustrating for you to see that your former lover is not experiencing heartache and is feeling fine. In this case, it is important to remember that such a reaction is considered completely normal. After all, a person may not show his feelings or move very quickly after any unpleasant situations.
Psychologist Melanie Schilling says, “After a breakup, women need to communicate, and men need something new to do.”
That’s why after a breakup men try different things, start doing something unusual, like skydiving, going abroad, swimming, or getting a driver’s license. They find these activities that require a lot of time, so that they think less about the breakup.
Meanwhile, women need emotional support from their social circle. When she speaks out, as if a stone falls from her soul. After all, during the conversation the girl speaks almost continuously, so she is physically unable to start thinking about her ex-boyfriend.
Some men believe that they should not succumb to negative emotions, but instead immediately cheer up.
Women have more freedom in this regard, they release all their emotions and never hide how they feel. This is what helps them recover from a breakup.
You have to understand that how your life turns out, depends not only on the type of past relationships, but also on how you broke up with your partner.
Why do people break up?
There are many ways to break up a relationship, and how you do it will help you deal with the heartache.
1. deception and cruelty
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Imagine this situation: your partner has hurt you. He constantly deceived you, never came clean or even bullied you.
It was hard to realize what was going on with your relationship, but once you realize it, you’ll definitely want to break the bond between you.
How do you feel? You think that everything is your fault, that you deserve to be treated cruelly, that your partner has the right to lie and cheat on you. Perhaps it was your significant other who brainwashed you and convinced you that he/she was/is behaving pig-headedly because of you.
How do you deal with the problem? Stop blaming yourself, as this can lead to depression and, in the future, soft-heartedness.
Your partner did this to you because he/she wanted to and is comfortable manipulating you in order to live a life of pleasure.
2. Sudden Breakup.
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Imagine this situation: everything seems fine to you. Recently you and your partner had a great time, you’re already planning a vacation, all your friends think you’re a great couple and, you’re thinking about the future together.
Suddenly you get a message that reads: “It’s over between us. I can’t take it anymore.”
How do you feel? You are lost and disoriented. This situation really confuses people and, you don’t even know where to start in order to get back to your everyday life.
How do you deal with the problem? First, be thankful that your partner decided to do such an act, and did not mock your feelings. Secondly, don’t start thinking about what you did wrong and also don’t look for ways to resolve the situation, just let your ex-partner go. It’s already over and, you need to move on.
3. Fading love in a couple
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Imagine this situation : for a long time there was a fire of love burning in your heart, and you thought it would always stay that way. Unfortunately, the spark between you has slowly begun to fade. The conversations became boring. Eventually, you stop talking and even seeing each other.
How do you feel? You want your old feelings back. You are frustrated because you used to have a good time together, so why can’t you get that feeling back. You are angry at your lover because you think he didn’t try hard enough to maintain your relationship.
How do you deal with the problem? There is no need to blame anyone. Many relationships do not work out the way you would like them to. In such a situation, talk to your partner and ask him/her how he/she feels and ask him/her what to do next.
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Imagine this situation: you have a great relationship, but there is one problem – you do not understand each other, not on the same page. You are constantly talking about this or that subject, but can not come to a common solution. This may be connected with marriage, having children, or moving to another city, country. Suddenly, one of the partners puts forward an ultimatum to the other: “Make me a proposal in six months, or I myself will arrange everything.
How do you feel? You’re either angry or you think you’re backed into a corner, so you panic. If you stand your ground, you will lose your partner. If you agree with your lover, you will betray your own values. You have a hard decision to make.
How do you deal with the problem? If you don’t want to agree with your partner and for that reason you are losing him, you will need to accept that and not look back in the past. Understand that people can’t be perfect for each other, they will definitely think differently in some aspects.
5. Your first love.
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Imagine this situation : you fall in love for the first time and, you’ve never had your heart broken before. Suddenly, the relationship ends and, you have to accept the breakup.
How do you feel? You are lost because you think that this was the only person you could love and you won’t meet anyone like that again, and since you won’t, you’ll be a lonely person forever. You hate yourself for what allowed the separation and every way to try to get his partner, but all in vain.
How to cope with the problem? It is difficult to cope with such pain, but time heals everything. The first parting is the most unpleasant and memorable. You need to sink in, splash out all the negative emotions, but then find the strength to move on. After all, life is just beginning and you may find yourself in this situation again, so you need to be prepared.
The 7 stages of grief and acceptance are
1- Answering Questions.
You want to understand the reason for your breakup . You think of your ex-partner’s words that were addressed to you, so you begin to think that it is all your fault because you did not listen to your lover. This is an agonizing period because you are still hoping to repair your relationship.
2. You can’t accept this set of circumstances.
That’s not true, and it’s not happening to you. You just can’t live without your ex-partner. You are forcing yourself away from reality.
You are trying to get your ex-partner back and promising him to change. Anything that he wasn’t happy with, you are willing to fix. At this point, you are being silly and not working with your head at all.
Since your pain will be unbearable, you will ask your ex-partner to go back to the way things were. You will have a hard time letting go of this person.
Depending on your character and experience, the anger may be directed at you, your former partner, or the situation itself. Anger helps you get back to reality . Through this feeling, you will realize that you are worthy of more, and you don’t have to think about what is in the past.
6. Initial acceptance .
This is the type of acceptance at the early stage of grief that tells us that you have given up and are no longer trying to get your former lover back. You have finally realized that life goes on.
7. You have redirected yourself toward other goals
You have almost recovered from the breakup. Memories of an ex-partner no longer stir your heart. You realize that you will meet another person with whom you will have a better relationship.
After the breakup love yourself.
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After you’ve successfully survived your breakup moment, it’s time to think about yourself.
The person you see in the mirror has become stronger.
It’s time to love yourself and forget about the sadness. After all, what was, is gone. Do not torment your heart anymore. There is sure to be someone who will love you.
Life is full of obstacles and this is one of them. If you get through it, it will be easier for you to live.
You will finally find happiness.
Love is what every person wants to find. But being in a relationship is hard work, and developing a long-term relationship is even harder.
You need to be able to recover from a breakup and go on to find your one and only, because not all is lost yet.
Tips psychologist, how to survive the breakup with a man
Relationships are over, but feelings are still left. This situation is familiar to many, so it is important to know how to survive the breakup and not to fall into depression, to overcome the feeling of despair and despair.
Why do women carry the separation with the other half hard?
Parting is hard. People in a relationship are united not only feelings but also attachment. Partners become dependent on each other. After separation, it is not easy to imagine your life without the other half, which was a support and support.
Separation is always accompanied by unpleasant feelings – mental pain, desolation, loneliness, apathy, despondency, helplessness. It is difficult for a woman to accept the fact that her chosen one has left her, for such reasons:
- Guilt. Women looking for the cause of the gap in itself, as a result of attributing a lot of non-existent complexes. This way she programs herself for self-destruction;
- Fear of the unknown. While dating a man, the girl makes plans for her future, which crumble in an instant;
- Fear of being rejected again. The girl is afraid to go through the pain again;
- Unwillingness to change. In the new relationship she will have to adjust to her partner, learn from her mistakes.
Girls are painful to break up with a man for the reason that they are sensitive, emotional, dramatic. Very hard to go after a breakup of the individual who takes everything to heart, making a big deal out of muhi. They need the help of a psychologist.
How do they survive the separation?
After a breakup, a girl must go through 5 stages, at the end of which she can heal mentally. Stages:
- Shock. The girl finds it hard to believe what is happening, there is a stupor, she loses her sense of reality.
- Denial. This is an unwillingness to accept reality, although there are thoughts in her mind that the point has been made. The girl may convince everyone around her, and herself included, that the relationship with the guy will still resume. She is constantly looking for her lover in the crowd.
- Aggression. There is a realization that the relationship is over. The girl begins to blame everyone around her, herself and her partner for this.
- Depression. Negative emotions exhaust you, no strength to endure the pain that tears the soul apart. At this stage, the girl usually needs help, she is not able to cope with suffering on her own.
- Acceptance of what has happened. Once the girl realizes that the relationship is over, and lets go of her chosen one, the pain will pass, her emotional state will return.
From the moment of separation with her husband to the stage of acceptance can take a long time, sometimes six months or a year. If the relationship did not last long, then in 3-4 months the girl is ready for a new love adventure.
What to do after breaking up with a loved one?
You should not take the breakup to heart. On the one hand – it is the end, but on the other – the beginning of something new. In this period, the girl is at a crossroads. She has two ways: to fall into despair, or to let the person go and believe in a brighter future. Of course, the latter option is more difficult to implement, since her heart is broken.
Recommendations on how to more easily endure the separation:
- Take the breakup for granted, understand that this is not your man for life, that there will definitely be another;
- Do not stay alone with bad thoughts, have fun, relax in entertainment venues, watch comedies;
- find a hobby, go in for sports, swimming;
- go to work so that you don’t have time to think about bad things;
- Get the support of friends and relatives, listen to their advice – you can see better from the outside what the relationship was really like.
Under no circumstances should you seek a meeting with your beloved. This will only cause yourself pain, because once again it will be obvious that the relationship can not be returned. But if the reason for the separation is not clear, there are a lot of issues that do not give sleep at night, the meeting is necessary. During communication it is necessary to throw out all your emotions, to express the unsaid. After that it will be easier.
Instead of staying at home and grieving, you should concern yourself with your appearance, career and personal development. Travel or vacations by the sea will help distract you. New experiences and positive emotions are necessary. It is better if you rest in the company of friends, not alone.
This applies not only to girls, but also to men. Such recommendations should be adhered to after separation from the woman you love. Under no circumstances should you drown your sorrows in alcohol. Alcohol dulls the pain, but the soul is not healed.
After separation from your husband, it is worth a change of scenery.
If you lived with a man for many years in the same apartment, then every object will remind you of him. It is worth making repairs or moving to a new home. These concerns will distract you from your worries.
Tips from a psychologist
If you can’t cope with your worries alone, it’s worth visiting a specialist. An experienced psychologist will help normalize the mental state, to understand and accept the separation.
- You need to understand that nothing lasts forever, even 20-30 year old marriages fall apart;
- You should not humiliate yourself, try to return the person or stay friends with him or her;
- think about the past as little as possible, don’t look for the reason for the breakup;
- forgive yourself and your ex;
- Work on yourself, set goals and try to achieve them;
- to love yourself;
- to find pluses in a breakup, for example, more free time for yourself, freedom;
- To do what you love;
- You should not make a victim of yourself, you need to be happy, not miserable.
You should not allow yourself to slip into an emotional hole. Depression is difficult to get out of, it is much more serious than it first appears. To strengthen the psyche, you should regularly attend psycho-training. At the same time, you need to talk to your loved ones. It is important to speak out, and not to gloss over your problems.
Do not immediately begin a new relationship after a breakup. The new favorite person is not a pill from pain. There is no need to condemn him to suffering and to add new problems. First it is necessary to solve the existing and heal the wounds of the soul.
After the breakup is worth starting life with a clean slate. Regret the past is not allowed, as important is the future, which with the right attitude is sure to be bright.