How to return the spark of passion in a relationship
Contributor(s): Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD. Dr. Supatra Tovar is a licensed clinical psychologist (PSY #31949), registered dietitian, fitness expert and owner of Dr. Supatra Tovar and Associates Clinic. She is involved in health education, clinical nutrition and psychology. She has over 25 years of experience in holistic health and practices holistic psychotherapy. Combines her knowledge of psychology, nutrition and fitness to help people struggling with depression, weight gain, eating disorders, life phase transition difficulties and relationship issues. She holds a bachelor’s degree in environmental biology from the University of Colorado at Boulder, a master’s degree in dietetics from California State University, Los Angeles, and a PsyD in clinical psychology from Alliant International University in Los Angeles.
Number of views of this article: 28 377.
Sometimes the initial passion and spark early in a relationship fades over time. However, there are a few techniques that can help bring back your former passion if feelings have cooled down. Work on yourself, spend more time with your partner and remember the old days in your relationship.
- Do you constantly put off spending time together for later? As a rule, career, work and children reduce the time you can devote to the relationship. Have you been too busy lately to spend time alone with your other half?  X Source of Information
- How often do you communicate with your partner? Often we forget to ask the person how their day was and how they are feeling when we get caught up in our work. Be sure to call your loved one regularly.  X Source of Information
- Many people assume that they won’t be happy until they change or fix their partner’s bad qualities. However, this is not true, and in fact they only shorten the length of the relationship. Do you constantly remind your partner to take out the trash, and all attempts have failed? If another conversation and constant rebukes haven’t helped correct minor bad behavior, then you’re going to have to learn to take it for granted.  X Source of Information
- Remember the good stuff. After a few days, constant tardiness or negligence will become unbearable, but try to remind yourself that it’s a trifling mishap in the general state of affairs. When you feel annoyed, think to yourself: “It’s true that my boyfriend/my girlfriend is constantly behind schedule, but he/she always asks about my dad, listens to my problems when I’m upset, and laughs at my jokes. That’s what really matters.”  X Source of Information
- A style change can help you feel attractive. Update your closet, hair or makeup. Go shopping and don’t forget to stop by the hairdresser.  X Source of Information
- Exercise and eat right. Even if losing weight is not an end in itself, people tend to think of themselves as more attractive when their overall body condition is at an all-time high.  X Source of Information
- Take time to talk and be prepared to listen to the person. If you need to rekindle the spark in a relationship, you should be prepared to change. It is very rare for a relationship to bore only one of its parties. Remain calm and listen carefully to the wishes and needs of your other half.  X Source of Information
- Talk about those moments when you feel the most love and care from your partner. Do you feel loved when a guy gives you flowers, asks how your day is going, and holds your hand while we watch a movie together? Then let him know that.  X Source of Information
- Discuss what you would like to do more often. Perhaps you’d like to spend more nights together, go on more dates, or try new things together?  X Source of Information
- Are there things you used to do that you stopped doing at some point? At the beginning of a relationship, a person does extraordinary romantic things. Exciting texts, flowers, and talking late into the night-we put in less and less effort when we’re in a long-term relationship. If you miss these expressions of affection, talk to your partner to try to increase them.  X Source of Information
- An unexpected outing, such as dinner at a restaurant, a trip to a concert, or a trip to a museum
- Every day, accentuate a quality of your partner that you like. For example: “I love watching you yawn in the morning” or “I love that the coffee pot is always in place because you remember to put it on the stove before you go to bed.”  X Source of Information
- If your partner is busy at work all day, try to load up on household chores as little as possible. Wash the dishes, wash clothes, take out the trash, or make dinner.  X Source of Information
Flirt. Flirting is a fun way to express your own sexuality. We usually flirt at the beginning of a relationship to get the attention of the object of affection. When people achieve mutual affection, flirting comes to naught. Try flirting with your partner from time to time using body language and through lively communication. Flirting will help revitalize the relationship and increase the sense of attraction for both parties.  X Source of Information
- Set up dates. The longer you are in a relationship, the less room there is for romance. Find new hobbies that you can do on a regular basis. Take a pottery class, go dancing, go on an excursion, or visit a neighboring city.  X Source of Information
- Also involve other people. Have get-togethers with friends who are in pairs, or join some kind of club where you can meet new people. Exploring social life together will be a great way to have a great time together.  X Source of Information
- Don’t forget to have fun at home. Get board games for an evening out, turn on a funny TV show to watch together, or play “Guess the Tune.”  X Source of Information
- Master new poses.
- Watch pornographic movies together.
- Try role-playing games.
- Discuss sexual fantasies.
- Use sex toys.
- Reminisce about how you met. Your personal love story will bring back feelings of sentimentality and romance. Discuss your first meeting, your impressions of each other at that moment, and share memories from your first date.  X Source of Information
- It’s pretty easy to start a conversation. Just say, “Remember the night we met?” and develop the thought further. Tell what attracted the partner initially, share your fondest memories of the early part of the relationship, and confess what made you think the affair was special.  X Source of Information
- Listen to music that reminds you of the early stages of the relationship.
- Perhaps you’ve both read the same book? If so, quote some passages to each other.
- Go through old photos and videos.
- Revisit movies you saw together during your first romantic encounters.  X Source of Information
Go on nostalgic dates. Visit a restaurant you went to in the beginning of your relationship. Have a movie marathon, based on those movies and TV shows you watched in the early stages of the relationship. Find a way to arrange date nights that will awaken the initial romantic attraction in both of you.  X Source of Information
- The first thing you should always remember is why you fell in love with him or her.
- It will also bring the relationship back to life and rekindle the “spark” in the sexual sphere.
About this article
Contributor(s): Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD. Dr. Supatra Tovar is a licensed clinical psychologist (PSY #31949), registered dietitian, fitness specialist and owner of Dr. Supatra Tovar and Associates. She is involved in health education, clinical nutrition and psychology. She has over 25 years of experience in holistic health and practices holistic psychotherapy. Combines her knowledge of psychology, nutrition and fitness to help people struggling with depression, weight gain, eating disorders, life phase transition difficulties and relationship issues. She holds a bachelor’s degree in environmental biology from the University of Colorado at Boulder, a master’s degree in dietetics from California State University, Los Angeles, and a PsyD in clinical psychology from Alliant International University in Los Angeles. Number of views of this article: 28 377.
10 steps on how to get the passion back in your relationship with your husband after years of marriage and having a baby
Life goes on, people change, relationships change. It seems that just a few years ago you were ready to pounce on each other right on the street, your eyes were burning at the thought of intimacy, and now everything has turned into a gray routine.
Sometimes it even seems that you do not live with your trembling loved one, and the neighbor in the communal apartment. But this is the same one, dear, from which used to flutter in the stomach butterflies! You only need to remind yourself of this. How? There are several ways.
A little bit of psychology
First of all, it is important to note one fact: changes in feelings between spouses are absolutely normal. Really. Time passes, people change, you really are no longer the same individuals who entered into marriage many years ago.
It is normal for the passion to subside over time, for the relationship to become calmer, more restrained, more tender. Instead of passion there is deep care, loyalty, understanding that with this person you are ready to live the rest of your life.
This is normal, and what is more, it is beautiful. It is the natural way of love.
In addition, if we talk about sex, the physiological aspect is added. When one is young, one is more prone to hormonal surges and needs sexual intimacy more.
Plus, when a couple has recently started dating, hormones of love and intimacy make young people feel a strong sexual attraction to each other. But it’s impossible to experience an acute hormonal storm on a consistent basis.
Therefore, it is natural for the relationship to move into a new phase, to become calmer. Conclusion: it may not be necessary to change anything. If the partners are content and have little need for passion, why break what’s working?
If not, and there is dissatisfaction, a desire for what-if change, read on to find out how to deal with it.
First step: figure out exactly what you want to change in your marriage. What is it for you to “get the passion back in the relationship”? It could be different aspects of the interaction.
Here are a few examples:
- Have more sex;
- To do it more varied, to realize sexual fantasies, to role-play, to invent new things;
- For your spouse to pay more attention to foreplay, because it feels like he’s using your body as a masturbator, not caring at all about your pleasure;
- To make sex more intimate, sensual, a form of expression of love, rather than “let’s make it quick.”
- To spend more time together, alone, apart from the children;
- To get more compliments, tenderness, attention, so that he remembers that you are not only a mother, but also a woman;
- To get more attention to your personality, to listen, to talk not only about children and household needs, but also about books, movies, to have fun together like in your youth, when you barely started dating.
Agree that different aspects require different approaches, though there are similar principles underlying positive change, which you’ll read about below: prioritizing your partner, communication, physical contact, and others.
If you want, you can make a list, write out the points of the upcoming conversation – it’s easier to structure your thoughts, not to forget anything. “Enemy” (problems) are easier to defeat when they are named.
Step two: after realizing what you don’t like and want to change, call your spouse for a dialogue. These conversations are often difficult to have, but here are a few points to help you cope.
- First, set up in advance for a calm, restrained, constructive dialogue. If you have accumulated resentment – it’s okay, but it’s better to vent anger alone, and talk to your spouse calmly, constructively.
It’s not that women “can not” express the offense – of course you can. Just a calm dialogue with a better guarantee of a positive result than a scandal.
- Secondly, from the beginning of the dialogue let him know that you are not going to quarrel. Say that these are not personal grievances, resentments, no – you just want to explain how you personally see the situation in the marriage, and what you want to change.
The position is “We’re against the difficulty,” not “we’re against each other.”
- Third. State your wishes in a calm, gentle tone. Actively use “I-Messages.” The structure of Self-Messages: “I feel (name the feeling) when you (name the action). I wish (name a desired behavior).”
This way, you build the dialogue in a healthy way: not claims and accusations, but stating a vision of the situation without aggression toward your spouse. It is also important to let your husband speak, to explain how he sees what is happening.
- Be prepared to listen to feedback and perhaps recriminations. Try to respond calmly, in a “I heard you, what do you think we can do to solve the problem?” format. Don’t get defensive.
Your husband will probably say that he thought it was okay, it’s just such a phase. You might reply, “I’m glad you’re okay with everything. I’d like to be okay with it, too. Are you willing to help?”
Unburden the household.
Next, the situation is made more individual for each individual couple, so it’s hard to formulate advice, but there are general principles, common problems that most couples face in a “gone passion” situation.
One of the difficulties is the burden of everyday life. When spouses have a child, often the existence is reduced to work duties, parenting duties, providing a household and falling into bed.
Often marriages fall apart because of the burden of daily life. Not because of any high matter, fading feelings, cheating, fundamental dissimilarity of characters, but simply because there is no one to back you up in a moment of household burnout.
Try to solve this problem.
- If you have money – hire a babysitter for one or two days a week, so the parents can spend time alone. This is not selfishness, not a waste of money – it’s a contribution to your relationship.
- Include grandparents, if they agree.
- Ask your spouse to be more involved in child care. This way you can rest more, you will have the strength to be not only a mother, but also a wife: prepare a romantic surprise for your husband, take the initiative in bed.
Free time to spend together. Go together to the cinema, for a walk, go to the places of military glory (where you loved to be, when you started dating and were ardently in love with each other), get a hotel room and a good “sleep”, finally.
When a couple starts dating, the hormones come into play. Every touch, every hug makes you feel tenderness, excitement, joy that this person is near, and wild crush.
Over time, the hormonal storm subsides, but it can be revived (in a milder form) with more sensual touching. Often spouses stop touching each other altogether, acting like not even particularly close friends.
Not surprisingly, all sensuality leaves their interactions – how else could it if they do nothing to hold it together? Don’t make this mistake.
How exactly do you avoid it?
Try to touch each other more often. Hug, kiss, take his hand, go over his hair, flirt as if you’re 19 again, kiss his cheek, lips, palm, play with his fingers, playfully slap each other on the soft spots, in the end.
This increases libido, because with hugs and touches you are constantly provoking the production of oxytocin, dopamine. Plus, it takes away the problem of feeling unloved because physical intimacy is only available during sex.”
Flirting and compliments
Compliments are great. Why? They let your partner know that you find them attractive, they let you know “I see you, I like you, thank you for being in my life.” Compliments make you feel loved.
So ask your husband to compliment you more often and do it yourself. Tell him to thank you for his actions, even if seemingly insignificant and habitual, which he already does all the time – it’s not an excuse not to notice.
Tell him how handsome he is today, how he looks in this shirt, you can jokingly make him jealous. Laugh at his jokes. You can jokingly tell him how sexy he is when he does the dishes (or not jokingly).
Make jokes, laugh, tell him how much you appreciate him – what man can resist that? And what relationship isn’t more fresh, passionate, and fun after that?
By the way, a nice bonus: you can flirt at a distance. Write to him at work, how you miss him, send playful selfies, say how you want to be with him soon in bed – and the evening passion between you will break out by itself.
This may seem like the antonym of passion, spontaneity, emotionality and sensuality, but in fact, when you’re both working adults and you also have a child, you can’t do without planning.
So yes, literally put it in the planner: spend time together. Watch a movie, go for a walk, make love, go to a sex shop together, experiment with a new position.
Many sexual practices require advance preparation – it too must be planned. Buy sex toys or erotic lingerie, make up “bed”, take time to make love directly.
Why is this necessary? So you give time to each other with a much greater guarantee, you can for this period to disconnect from all the household problems and be just the two of us. When it’s a question of bringing passion back into a relationship, it’s important.
Plus the planning creates anticipation, you start thinking about the intimacy to come, and the excitement builds from that. And you remember that you can tease and excite your husband with that, too, right?
Passion isn’t just about intimacy, it’s also about romance. Think back to how it was at the beginning of your union: flowers, candy, walks, poems, candles, champagne and rose petals, breakfast in bed…at least some of it.
Try to bring it all back. Unexpectedly make your loved one a dessert he or she likes, or come home with a store-bought cake. Make breakfast in bed. Wake him up with a gentle massage (or blowjob (read: how to do it). Write him a love letter.
Remember that you are not only parents, not only partners in life who share household and responsibilities, but also a man and woman in love.
Invite your spouse to share sexual fantasies and what you would even like to change about your intimacy. Perhaps intimacy has gotten worse simply because it does not meet your needs.
Important: It’s only through frank conversation that you can fix this.
If the conversation will be about what you would like to fix, the rules are the same as in paragraph three about an environmentally friendly, calm, constructive dialogue with your spouse about what you both are not satisfied.
Another important point: talk not only about what you don’t like, but also about what you do like. Positive reinforcement always works, he will be very pleased to hear how good he is, and it will give an incentive to try harder.
If the conversation will go about erotic fantasies and desires, then you can do this (step by step instructions):
- Everyone writes a list of erotic desires and fantasies separately from each other.
- Each reads out his list to the other. The second one responds to each item: “Yes, come on, I also want this, I am interested,” “I’m not sure, I need to study the issue in more detail, but maybe,” “Absolutely no, absolutely taboo, I’m against it.
- Then you switch roles.
So share erotic fantasies can be both playful and constructive, without bringing the matter to the quarrel, mutual complaints.
Try new things
It’s hard to maintain passion and intimacy when sex has turned into a routine, a quick release of tension instead of another way to get to know your partner better and bring him joy. So try to introduce variety.
- Meet him in erotic lingerie;
- Invite him to watch you masturbate;
- Send him an erotic video or photo of yourself;
- Offer to watch an 18+ movie together to show exactly how he (and you) like it;
- Try new positions;
- Try sex elsewhere, not just in the bedroom;
- Pretend you don’t know each other, get to know each other in public, flirt;
- Do it in front of a mirror;
- Offer to film sex on camera;
- Introduce elements of BDSM (spanking, tying to the bed, blindfolding, submission-domination, Dirty Talk);
- Games with food, with temperature (caressing with an ice cube, whipped cream, warm coffee or breath);
- Erotic massage with oils.
Clearly, you’ll benefit from these materials:
And finally, a couple of obvious, but therefore no less important notes: all the tips above are only tips, general recommendations that you can modify as much as you want, so that they fit your couple.
And the second thing: if the difficulties in the relationship last a long time and seem deep and confusing, it makes sense to consult a psychologist/sexologist.