Love addiction. The algorithm for getting out of it
But here the game is over, your chosen one took away “racket in the bag” and suddenly you realize that in this badminton game you are completely alone. Frustrating, painful, empty. Does not leave the feeling that you are cheated on all fronts.
- How long have you been “playing” love with yourself?
- How long has this “game” been without your partner?
After all, once upon a time this “badminton shuttlecock” flew from you to him, and back again. Everything was rosy and accompanied by hope.
Stages of getting rid of love addiction
Reflection before taking inventory.
The first step is to make it clear to yourself whether you were seriously interested or just playing around.
So often it happens, a man verbally expresses affection, warmth, talks about love, but in his thoughts does not want a strong family relationship, for various reasons: he is afraid, is searching, irresponsible, infantile, has intrigues on the side.
And if the obvious facts say that your love is unrequited, and you are drawn to the man without mutual reciprocity, then there is only one thing left to do, pick up the keys to calm and forget.
Surrender to the pain.
The harder you try to hold your own and control the pain that comes into your body and emotions with your thoughts, the more the overall tension in your psyche grows.
At the peak of painful feelings, it is most effective to let the pain fill you completely without resisting. Have an arsenal of breathing and meditation practices. Throughout the day, find opportunities to alternate between lying down and getting up. It is wonderful if the pain wants to come out in the form of emotions, tears – don’t hold on to them, give them an outlet.
Perfect if for this period you have a person to whom you can give feedback. It is more effective to enlist the support of a psychologist.
The mission of this stage is not to hold back the pain – but to give it a chance to fill you freely, and freely come out.
Express your unrequited love verbally
Draw a diagram of unrequited love. You can picture yourself weeping girl who did not get a doll, or a man left on the beach and watching as the ship that he missed. It could be the receding silhouette of the thief who stole your bicycle, and in this illustration you are grieving over that fact.
This work brings clarity and nudges the realization that the object of love is no longer in your life. No doubt you continue to be painfully distressed, but at some point, you absolutely do not want to be that character in the picture. Your distance with your unrequited love is torn, and visually you perceive it in your drawing. And if you add details to the drawing, the picture becomes more realistic.
Write a letter to the object of unrequited love, but this letter, not for him, but for you. Express your feelings and feelings, do not pick up the words, can be in swear words. You want to feel sorry for yourself – feel sorry for yourself. If you have questions for him – ask and answer them yourself in this letter, you won’t find an answer – goodbye.
Write down all that you have accumulated, piled up. Write everything you think about. Enlist the help of a psychologist, you can read this letter aloud to him, express what you have written verbally, it will increase the effect. Liberation comes in the course of writing. Be sure to put a point in the letter and in your mind.
Make a list of empty – words, promises, deeds, inconsistencies, which brought the relationship itself, and the man in particular.
Objectively, for the purpose of recognition, take a look at where and how much you have been fooled, lied to, substituted concepts, delayed or looked for “outlets” not to make long-term plans. Replaced you – with other meaningful activities, friends, leisure time.
How many times during this relationship, you and your feelings and desires were simply not easy to understand – screwed over. Describe all the disrespect, trying not to pick the right words. Insults, reproaches, ignoring, unreasonable expectations – will paint this list in a dark tone.
I’m sure you’ll have a whole “dossier on the enemy. Take the practice of re-reading these facts, and your rose-colored glasses will lie where they belong: in the trash.
The main mission of this therapeutic phase is to look at reality with harsh reality. And paint it black as harshly as possible. The rosy veil should collapse in your perception, and a dry unadorned reality should remain.
Refuse to sponsor suffering.
Sometimes, faced with the fact of unrequited love, and having already had a pretty “sip” of misery, a girl begins to sponsor them with her attention to the escaped object. She follows his photos and posts on social networks, asks her friends and acquaintances about his personal life. It may occur to you to send an invitation to a friendly cup of tea, share videos or articles on the Internet.
Cling to the echoes of the past in your thoughts, to reconstruct from the lived experience the memories – warmth, affection, attention, confessions and revelations. Moments of intimacy, and vacations spent. All this returns to the old sensory experience, where feelings, thoughts and sensations are lived, except that these memories carry only suffering, and this must be realized.
Stop reclaiming and savoring relationships that have gone, you are sponsoring your own suffering by doing so. Your task is to gain inner freedom, and to do this, you have to stop clinging to the past in the “here and now” moment.
The primary mission of this stage is to refuse to pay attention to an object that is no longer yours. Refuse to explore his or her life, and refuse to go back in thought to the past.
Enrichment of your wholeness
Unrequited love wears down your inner resources, you need to acquire the skill of learning to fill your space with resource components, if you don’t do this, emptiness becomes the sole ruler. Fill your space with inspirational literature, and adopt a few energy and meditative practices. Recall your creative talents, there is nothing better than expressing your inner – in drawing, knitting, poetry, writing texts, posts.
If you are a believer, ask your Higher Power or the Universe for support. Visit a temple. As opposed to undivided love, cultivate a thought-about the desire to live in contentment.
There is nothing better than collective conscious/unconscious. Start attending group classes, exercise classes. A swimming pool is a great element, because it is water that takes away negative energy. Fill your life with vivid impressions. Hobbies, movies, dancing, karaoke.
It’s terrific to switch from destructive thoughts to the desire to learn, pick a field in which to acquire the desired skills. Let the term “satisfaction” appear on your horizon. Go to the mirror, try to remember when you’ve taken time to look good – manicure, pedicure, massage parlor – do something about your appearance. Transform yourself.
The main mission of this stage is to fill your wholeness with resource components that make you want to live!
Support. Important subtleties. Emphasis placement.
Visual images. Inner Dialogue
Watch your inner dialogue. It is where you begin to return to the object of unrequited love, first pulling out thoughts-images of your relationship from the past, and then the dialogue dictates scenarios, reproduces scenes, brings the past back to the “here and now” moment. All of this changes your inner background, renews your pain and experiences. It rolls back a few steps on the road to getting rid of love addiction. Learn to block this kind of inner dialogue.
One way to block such images from the past, you can help by mentally building a large and gloomy wall, between you and the man. Imagine this wall between you. Add to it the memories of the suffering that entered into your life with him.
Anger as a resource
In support of the previous point, get angry at unrequited love. Let this healthy anger, cultivate in you a desire to get rid of everything associated with this person completely. Let it become the impetus for the desire to have complete freedom from him, both externally and internally.
Get rid of the supporting facts of your relationship. All photos, videos, correspondence, contacts. Everything in the trash. Social media, messengers – blocked. Do not leave yourself any loopholes, to go into contact, find a meeting, congratulations on the holiday – all this sets you back a few steps in the struggle for your freedom and freedom from addiction.
Hierarchy of Values
Take inventory of your hierarchy of values. Take a look at what place such important components of your personality occupy in it as:
- Physical health
- Mental health
- Environment and work
- Relatives, friends, leisure activities.
- Love for yourself.
- True desires.
This will help you shift your focus from the object of unrequited love, to the most important aspects of life, which probably went into the background while you were suffering.
True desires. Basic Needs.
Make a list of your true desires and needs. Take a look at which of your basic needs, have not been closed for a long time, and which have been neglected and forgotten altogether. Write down in detail your true desires. Rank them according to the formula “Primary – Secondary. Already when writing you will realize how much you have to catch up, and you will discover something for the first time.
Writing a Change Diary
After realizing the addiction itself, and the first attempts to get rid of it, make a “change diary” where you write down everything that will happen to you along the way. Fix the intermediate results, it fuels the motivation to increase the momentum, and the desire to acquire more resourceful states, rather than getting stuck in worries and rolling back in your memories of the past. The vector is unchanged – inner and outer freedom.
“You’re not alone in the field.” Seek support, find someone to give feedback to in an environmentally friendly and safe way. Be able to verbalize your thoughts and feelings. Highlight the experience of relief after the conversations, fix it in your integrity. Seek in this feedback to highlight other people’s experiences similar to yours, there are plenty of people who have successfully navigated this stage of life. “Everything is born in feedback.”
Taking responsibility for the addiction and your life
Any addiction is first and foremost about – responsibility! Your “love” feels great without you, it’s you who now can’t think about anything but him, thereby feeding the addiction. So you have to take responsibility for getting rid of it, no one will do it but you. And the sooner you mobilize your inner resources, the sooner it will disappear from your life.
Life itself is definitely not meant for suffering, so it is necessary to take primary responsibility for it as well. The pace of your progression to freedom is directly dependent on this. There’s no place for “kickbacks”, once you’ve decided to work through an addiction, don’t look for “openings” to make contact with the object, even in your thoughts, then you’ll get pain and step back.
Support of the psychologist
The most effective strategy on the way to get rid of love addiction to enlist the support of a psychologist. Speeds up the process at times. You will definitely be provided with the material and technical base. You will be provided with professional support. In time to receive quality feedback, tips, directions, and generally acquire a powerful resource in the face of a psychologist.
A final remarkAny return (external/internal) to the object of undivided love is a hindering factor on the way of getting rid of love addiction. An unconditional and fundamental factor for successfully overcoming addiction is the acquisition of resource skills to ensure complete separation from the object of unrequited love. The motivating force, at all stages of recovery, invariably remains the desire for autonomous – external/internal freedom.
You can turn to the author of this article for help in getting rid of emotional and love addiction. Also, if you are trapped by a tyrant, abuser, manipulator, or psychopath – I will help you break the sick union, recover, and bring yourself back to life!
Subscribe to the blog Click Thank You. I always appreciate your activity. Write your opinion of this article in the comments.
© All rights reserved. Addiction/Sodependency expert Burenkov D.V. For a consultation Watsap: 8-918-253-73-83
Sick love: how to get rid of emotional dependence?
Love – a feeling that gives joy, a sense of happiness, it cheers and inspires. But love has a downside – dependence. As a rule, it takes painful forms, a man can not imagine his life without a partner. Love “disease” is compared to addiction to alcohol, nicotine or slot machines. What are the symptoms of addiction, what are its dangers and how to get rid of it?
Love or disease – how to determine the problem?
“Figuring out” addiction is quite difficult – this is the root of the evil. Many people are convinced that love brings pain and suffering. They consider jealousy, distrust and other feelings that deliver unpleasant emotions to be part of love. That is why they are in no hurry to get rid of their addiction and continue to live in this unhealthy psychological atmosphere.
There are several types of love addiction. The basic criteria will help you recognize the problem and find true and sincere love.
Loss of identity
One of the symptoms of addiction is the desire to live “on the territory” of the partner. The person completely loses his individuality, refuses to communicate with friends and his own interests. He is sure that he will not live without his partner, he wants to become one with him.
The desire to deprive the loved one of personal space
A person who suffers from love addiction seeks to erase the personal boundaries of his partner and “enter” his space. He accepts the position of “parent” and wants complete control over his life. The partner is deprived of the right to make decisions, make choices, and prioritize his or her own life. The “parent” tries to disguise his jealousy and insecurity as caring.
When the addicted person feels that he cannot keep everything under his control, aggression awakens in him. He may emotionally attack his partner, trying to create fear in him, create doubt and psychologically bind him to himself.
Trying to hold on to love.
An addicted person tries to return love, even if the feelings no longer bring joy. This is how addicts chase another dose, realizing that it is destroying their body. There is a “split personality” – the mind says to forget the partner, and the heart does not believe that the broken love will no longer come back to life.
Broken love: why is a person afraid of change?
Psychological dependence occurs more often in women – they are more susceptible to emotion. For them, the love of a man is an indicator of their neediness, importance. Women tend to give themselves completely to feelings, forgetting about themselves.
When her partner drifts away, she panics. Fears and doubts, fear of being alone overwhelm her. Uncertainty is frightening, so the woman “infected” with this disease, clinging to the man’s love, trying to resuscitate her.
Intrusive thoughts prevent you from separating yourself from your partner and becoming happy. It is important to realize that fears come from outside, you do not have to “try them on”. Emotions should not interfere with a sensible assessment of the situation.
The psychology of addiction: who is at risk?
There is a group of people who are potentially susceptible to love addiction. They share a similar psychology and character traits. They are dependent on public opinion and do not like to take responsibility. Such people prefer someone to make decisions for them – then it is possible to accuse others of their own failure.
People who fall into the “risk zone” are dependent on public opinion. It is hard for them to be alone, they are afraid of being abandoned and unwanted. People prone to addiction are painful to criticism and are willing to do anything to please those around them. They tend to downplay their strengths and exaggerate their weaknesses.
Dependence, as a rule, arises spontaneously, emotions “flare up” quickly and brightly. The person is overwhelmed by rage or jealousy, he is panically afraid of being alone. His love is based on suffering.
Love men: how to heal from addiction?
To let go of a man’s love, which no longer brings joy, you need to work on yourself. You will have to make an effort – only then the “cure” is possible.
Shift your focus from your own feelings to the reality around you. Try to assess the situation and your place in it without emotion. Reason logically, look at what is happening from the outside. Only then can you see your partner’s attitude towards you and understand that the prospects for broken love no longer exist.
Forget about your feelings and words that you loved one. Analyze his actions and actions – they should determine your opinion about him. It’s necessary not only to see the negative sides of the partner, but also to discern his true attitude towards you. Then love will be healthy and happy, and not blind, as an idol.
Learn to control your feelings. Emotions should not influence your thoughts and actions. Only an objective attitude to what is happening will allow you to make the right decision. Fight intrusive thoughts and forget the broken love helps the technique of shifting attention. When you feel that the emotional tension reaches its peak, concentrate on something pleasant and “right”.
Raise your self-esteem. Think about what talents, abilities and hobbies you could be proud of. Talk to interesting people, read books, play sports and definitely find time for a hobby. Then broken love will not occupy a “pedestal” in your internal ranking.
Make it a rule to fill each day with positive emotions. Before going to sleep, remember at least one joyful event that happened to you. Analyze the minutes lived and learn to find the positive in simple things.
Psychologists advise to write a wish list and reread it regularly. This is a good incentive to move on and not lose the goal. Love men should not be an end in itself for you. Think of yourself – you are worthy of respect and mutual love!