10 tips for those who are unbearably lonely
Loneliness is not once called “the disease of the XXI century. And no matter what the cause – the frantic pace of life in big cities, the development of technology and social networks, or something else – with loneliness can and should be fought. And ideally – before it leads to serious health problems.
Introverts and extroverts, men and women, rich and poor, educated and not so much – most of us feel lonely from time to time. And “most” is not just a word: according to a recent U.S. survey, 61% of adults can be considered lonely. They all feel disconnected from others, and it doesn’t matter at all whether there is actually someone around them or not.
One can feel lonely at school and at work, with friends or a partner. It doesn’t matter how many people are in our lives, what matters is the depth of our emotional connection with them, explains psychologist David Narang. “We can be in the company of housemates or friends, but if none of them understand what we’re thinking and what we’re experiencing right now, we’re likely to be very lonely.”
Experiencing loneliness from time to time, however, is quite normal: far worse, more and more people feel that way all the time
In 2017, former U.S. medical chief Vivek Murphy called loneliness a “growing epidemic,” one reason being that modern technology and social media are partly replacing our live interactions with others. We can trace the connection between this condition and the growing risk of depression, anxiety, cardiovascular disease, dementia, and shorter life expectancy.
Loneliness can be faced by anyone – including mental health professionals. “Loneliness and shame make me feel damaged, needed by no one, loved by no one,” shares psychotherapist and coach Megan Bruno. – It seems that in this state is better not to see anyone, because if people see me like this, they may turn away from me forever.
How to support yourself on days when you are especially lonely? Here is what psychologists advise.
1. Do not judge yourself for this feeling
Loneliness itself is unpleasant, but if we start berating ourselves for our condition, it only makes it worse. “When we criticize ourselves, guilt takes deep root in us,” Megan Bruno explains. – “We begin to believe that there is something wrong with us, that no one loves us.
Instead, learn self-compassion. Tell yourself that it’s a feeling almost everyone experiences from time to time and that it’s okay to dream of intimacy in our fractured world.
2. Remind yourself that you won’t be alone forever.
“This feeling is not at all a sign that there is something wrong with you, and more importantly, it will definitely pass. Right now there are millions of people in the world who feel about the same way you do,” Bruno reminds us.
3. Take a step towards people
Call a family member, get a friend out for a cup of coffee, or just post what you’re experiencing on social media. “Feelings of shame will keep telling you that no one loves you and no one wants you. Don’t listen to that voice. Remind yourself that taking a step outside your doorstep will surely make you feel a little better.”
4. Get out into nature.
“A walk in the park will already be enough for you to feel at least a little relief,” says Jeremy Nobel, founder of a project designed to help combat loneliness through art. Talking to animals can also prove healing, he says.
5. Use your smartphone less.
It’s time to replace social media feed browsing with live communication. “Following other people’s ‘glossy’ and ‘flawless’ lives makes us feel increasingly miserable,” David Narang reminds us. – But an addiction to Instagram (an extremist organization banned in Russia) and Facebook (an extremist organization banned in Russia) can be turned on its head if you invite some of your friends over for a cup of tea.
6. Get creative
“Read a poem, knit a scarf, express everything you feel on canvas,” Nobel suggests. – These are all ways to turn your pain into something beautiful.”
7. Think of someone who loves you.
Think of someone who truly loves you and cares about you. Ask yourself, “How do I know this person loves me? How does he or she express his or her love? When has he/she been there for me when I need it? “The fact that another person loves you so much says a lot not only about him or her, but also about you – you really deserve love and support,” Narang believes.
8. Look for opportunities to get a little closer to strangers
Smiling at someone sitting across the street on the subway or holding the door at the store can help you get a little closer to those around you. “When you pass someone in line, try to imagine how that person feels,” Narang suggests. – Each of us needs small acts of kindness – so take the first step.”
9. Sign up for group classes
Plant the seeds of future connections – join a group that meets on a regular basis. Choose something that interests you: a volunteer organization, a professional association, a book club. “By sharing your experiences with others at the event, you’ll give them a chance to get to know you better and open up for themselves,” Narang believes.
10. Decipher the message that loneliness conveys to you
Instead of running headlong from this feeling, try to face it. “Take note of everything you feel in doing so: discomfort, thoughts, emotions, tension in the body,” Narang advises. – Chances are, after a few minutes there will be clarity in your mind: you’ll understand what specific steps you should take. This plan, formulated in a calm state, will be much more effective than the piecemeal actions that we all do in the power of emotions.
When it’s time to ask for help
As we said, loneliness is a fairly common condition, and just because you are experiencing it, does not mean that there is something “wrong” with you. However, if this feeling does not leave you for too long and you realize that you are on the brink of depression, it is time to get help.
Instead of continuing to alienate others, arrange a visit to a specialist – a psychologist or psychotherapist. He will help you connect with others and once again feel loved and needed.
How to get rid of loneliness
How to get rid of loneliness? Human nature says that at different periods of human existence or at a certain state of mind a person needs solitude. In general, it is believed that a self-sufficient person is the one who is comfortable with himself/herself alone. Such people spend their free hours on self-education and development, on analysis of their own actions, making further strategic plans. They simply have no time to suffer from loneliness or from a feeling of their own worthlessness. But there are times when the number of lonely days and nights is just off the scale, and the feeling of abandonment and uselessness is overwhelming, then how to get rid of the fear of loneliness?
Professional psychologists have developed a huge number of techniques and methods that allow you to get rid of loneliness yourself. The main weapon in the battle with the feeling of his own worthlessness and feeling of abandonment and uselessness is the determination and desire of an individual to eliminate the feeling of loneliness from his own existence. After all, what is loneliness? In the scientific aspect, this concept is a socio-psychological phenomenon, which is an emotional attitude of the subject, characterized by a connection with the lack of positive close emotional relationships with the environment or the fear of their loss due to social isolation.
A number of factors of psychological orientation contribute to the emergence of a feeling of loneliness. They include low self-esteem, which causes avoidance of social contacts because of fear of being subjected to harsh criticism, thereby creating a “vicious circle” – lack or complete absence of contacts lowers self-esteem even more. Underdeveloped communication skills also contribute to the emergence of a sense of loneliness in the soul.
How to get rid of depression and loneliness
Now it has become fashionable to call yourself not a lonely man, but a free person. But what to do when there is nobody to show off and seem better than you really are, when you find yourself at night and from the quietness of your own dwelling you go crazy, when it does not matter who is near, if only there would be somebody present in your life, when the feeling of loneliness sinks in and turns into depression? To feel lonely you do not have to be so in reality. Often people living in a marriage, having parents, friends, feel lonely.
Loneliness is dangerous because it can cause serious depression or lead to suicide attempts.
Loneliness does not choose its victim according to age or gender. Status, financial security, appearance, and the chosen person’s occupation are also unimportant. The young man who can’t find a suitable partner feels the same emotional emptiness as the elderly person who has lost relatives or who can’t find common ground with the younger generation. Loneliness is often experienced by subjects who have an inert nervous system, who make social contacts by force, who find it difficult to get accustomed to new people in their environment. Besides, presence of a feeling of loneliness can be caused by deep pathology of mentality of the individual, for example, as a result of autism.
Of great importance is the personal perception of loneliness. Most people mistakenly perceive loneliness as a tragedy. Instead of “befriending” it, making it their ally, using it to work on their own personality. A person who has a healthy psyche and a cool mind should perceive loneliness as an opportunity to change themselves, personality traits, appearance for the better, as a stimulus for self-improvement.
How to get rid of a sense of loneliness when there is no loved one who could just listen, when loneliness is justified and a person has no one to go to the cinema, spend the weekend, no one to invite to visit? In the first turn, it is recommended not to focus on the negative feeling, no need to feel sorry for yourself, burying your head under a sense of worthlessness.
It’s necessary to convince yourself that loneliness is only freedom and personal independence.
How to get rid of loneliness – psychologist’s advice states that the first thing to do is to identify the cause that caused the feeling of abandonment, and to understand the nature of the feelings. To this end, you need to sort yourself out. It is necessary to try to understand why loneliness is felt, what is missing and what one would like. It is a good idea to do some thorough introspection.
If all attempts to figure out the cause and understand the nature of the phenomenon have failed, you can seek professional help. After determining the cause it is necessary to begin work on their elimination. The first step is to look closely at the environment. Maybe there are people in it constantly dissatisfied with everything, the eternal skeptics, catching sadness. With such individuals is better to limit communication. Also it is necessary to expand the range of communication. It is better to give preference to positive and open subjects, all his kind radiating happiness and confidence.
Often ordinary communication with sincere, kind and positive people is the cure for many mental (and not only) ailments. Therefore, you should try to communicate more and get acquainted. A person surrounded by loyal, supportive, successful, fun, honest, empathetic friends will never be negatively affected by feelings of loneliness. Especially nowadays, getting acquainted has become much easier. Our age of super information technology allows you to not limit your social circle to people living in one city or country.
Today it has become possible to communicate with a resident of any “corner” of the globe. For this purpose there are various social networks, thematic forums, dating sites, programs for communication over the Internet. Even the language barrier is not an obstacle anymore, because there are a lot of developed translator programs. The Internet not only helps to find interlocutors, but quite often it even connects two loving hearts. This virtual world should not completely replace real life.
Do not neglect the “live” communication. So, if there was an invitation to visit on the occasion of the party, then you should take your eyes off the monitor, go to a proper appearance and courageously go to the guest. After all, the party can also be a few extraordinary individuals, communication with which will give a lot of pleasant moments.
It is very common to see “cries for help” on various forums, such as: “help me get rid of loneliness”, “I’m tired of being lonely, what should I do?”, etc. If the cause of loneliness is hidden behind insecurity and low self-esteem, then it is necessary to work with double zeal to eradicate your own complexes and insecurities, which are an obstacle to success and a happy life. After all, low self-esteem and insecurity do not allow you to build healthy relationships not only with the opposite sex, but also with individuals of your own sex.
You need to take responsibility for your own life, not allowing fears and contrived complexes to rule it. To increase self-esteem, first of all, it is necessary to sincerely and sincerely love your own personality, and then to focus your energy on self-improvement, which is achieved by reading different cognitive literature, watching the news, developing communication skills and desired character traits, eradicating the “bad” qualities.
One needs to take an interest in what is going on around one’s own “not so nice to yourself” personality. In fact, society treats the individual the way he treats himself. Cultivating in themselves a dependence on public opinion, many do not realize that important for a self-sufficient person should be only her opinion and the judgment of her closest and closest relatives. In addition, considering themselves a collection of all kinds of complexes, individuals do not notice that these complexes in reality may not exist, and if they do, they are not as “horrible and deplorable” as imagination draws them.
To get rid of loneliness on your own, it is recommended to find an activity for yourself or a hobby that will bring pleasure, as well as satisfaction from the process. If you lack the knowledge to embody your favorite activity, you can enroll in a thematic seminar or training. Seminars and trainings not only increase the level of knowledge, but also contribute to the acquisition of useful acquaintances and communication skills.
Not unimportant in the fight against loneliness is the appearance of the struggling person. Unkempt, unsympathetic appearance directly affects the self-esteem of the person, lowering it, and low self-esteem, as already mentioned above, provokes finding a bunch of complexes in oneself, which leads to the emergence of a feeling of loneliness. In addition, even a slight change in appearance can give a little confidence, which will be a great stimulus for new achievements and the acquisition of interesting acquaintances.
How to get rid of loneliness for women
To satisfy the request of many representatives of the fair sex, sounding as follows: “Help me get rid of loneliness”, in the first place, it is necessary to deal with the causes that led a woman to the path of loneliness. Among the main factors we can distinguish: women’s shyness, exaggerated requirements to a possible partner, discrepancy between the available men and the invented ideal, inaccessibility, difficult character, total dedication to professional activities, fear of men or fear of responsibility, incomplexity.
How to get rid of loneliness – psychologist’s advice
Earlier, shyness was in fashion. It was even believed that modesty was a woman’s main ornament. But those days have long since “fallen into oblivion. However, even today, many parents are bringing up their daughters in the old-fashioned tradition. Only they do not take into account one tiny, but still a very important fact – until fiancés were found by their daughters parents, so that her daughter did not have to fear loneliness.
Today the reality is completely different. This kind of upbringing leads to the fact that adult girls are afraid of men, they are not decisive in dealing with them, and often avoid any interaction with the opposite sex. And as a consequence, loneliness looms on the horizon. The excessive modesty of ladies not only does not contribute to communication, but on the contrary, prevents it. And the less the young lady communicates, the less it has at least a fleeting novel, not to mention the relationship for life.
The mistake many beautiful feminine women make is excessive trust in Russian (and not only) folklore and, in particular, fairy tales. As a consequence they spend all their lives waiting for a prince on a white horse, some of them, after several unsuccessful attempts to meet the fairy tale character, give in despair and agree to replace the horse with a Mercedes.
Young ladies, who are waiting in the girls, should become princesses themselves, and then perhaps the princes will turn to them their own royal eye, but do not forget that there may not be enough princes for all wishing. And besides, beautiful females should reflect on the fact that age is taking its toll. You can wait for the prince to lose in the battle for his heart to a younger and more advanced rival. So maybe you should look around, pay attention to a free colleague or an old comrade!
Another no less common female mistake is to go overboard with unavailability. A beautiful, educated, sophisticated, sociable, intelligent and serious lady can only scare away the strong sex. After all, he only looks strong, but at heart is a rather vulnerable creature. Men are simply afraid to approach such ladies, believing that they already have a chosen one, or that they do not reach their level.
Everybody knows that a compromise is the key to successful, strong and long-lasting relationships. However, many people forget to apply this knowledge in practice. A rare man can be seriously carried away by the iron lady who always has to be right and never makes concessions.
In addition, some women forget that in addition to successfully performing the role of a highly skilled professional in the professional sphere, are no less important for mental well-being and implementation of the role of a caring mother and an attentive wife. Therefore, putting career in the first place, we should not be surprised that loneliness is closer than we would like.
Those women who do not dream of princes, dream of ideal men, created by their imagination, which is based on the fantasy of writers of love novels. Often invented ideals have nothing to do with the real man. After all, first of all, a man is not a robot, but a living man who has good days, alternating with bad days, joyful mood turns into sadness, and seriousness into unexpected cheerfulness.
Many girls want to build relationships only with successful, handsome, generous and intelligent men. On the one hand such a desire is justified. After all, strange will seem dreams of drunken plumber Vasya or watchman Peter. No one forbids the ladies to indulge in dreams of a strong, successful and handsome life companion, but at the same time we must not forget that such a man must comply, that is to become the beautiful owner of a chic figure, flexible mind and a solid bank account. Saleswomen who are slightly overweight and marry oligarchs – this is a typical plot of melodramas, reminding nothing of the realities of a gray everyday life.
Ideal males choose lionesses for their companions. Such lionesses include successful businesswomen, famous models or celebrities. And they are not interested in ordinary saleswomen, nurses or secretaries as wives. Dreaming of an ideal created by their imagination and doing nothing to achieve this dream, young girls gradually become insecure girls and then women of balzac age, not noticing that they are walking down the road of loneliness.
Our society has also contributed to the spread of the phenomenon of loneliness. It is a society consisting of old maidens, “divorcees”, man-haters, that has created an unflattering image of the entire strong half, calling such an image a “goat”. Young girls, timidly entering adulthood, already enter it convinced that man and goat are synonymous. Naturally, with such beliefs it is quite difficult, if not impossible, to find a companion. After all, in every potential partner they will see a creature with many disadvantages, which can only be used, giving nothing in return. The paradox is that considering all men as jerks, girls involuntarily attract to themselves such individuals, who are sure to cheat and hurt.
Another myth, imposed by society, is the statement that men are just fans of blondes with third size breasts and legs “from the ears”. Of course, normal healthy man would be nice to look at a beautiful young lady with a thin waist and large breasts, but they like all the same, the woman chosen for her inner world, no matter how pretentious it may sound and not sound. Girls absolutely unreasonably wound up because of far-fetched flaws, for example, because of the small breast size, short stature or too wide hips.
How to get rid of the feeling of loneliness in this case, women ask. Very simply, it is necessary to “grind” in the head that all the shortcomings and complexes – it’s just a figment of the imagination, which others do not notice. And if there are real problems, such as excess weight, then you should just do sports and choose a comfortable diet.
Some women are afraid to get serious relationship, because marriage is a big responsibility. They are also afraid to lose their independence.
How to get rid of a sense of loneliness and uselessness
How to get rid of the fear of loneliness? Loneliness is a state of mind, and external causes can either energize it or soften it, but they do not reveal a decisive effect.
If an individual is periodically overcome by sadness, sadness, a feeling of uselessness, meaninglessness, a depressive state, then, most likely, subconsciously, he/she is troubled by lack of understanding of relatives and close people, indifference on their part, indifference to problems. The impetus for such anxiety is low self-esteem, human mistrust and uncertainty. And it all begins with the fact that the individual considers himself unworthy of love.
How to get rid of loneliness man? In the first place, it is necessary to develop communication skills to forever say “goodbye” to loneliness. Do not be afraid to start a conversation with strangers, if they liked outwardly. After all, the conversation is an opportunity to get to know the interlocutor better and form a general idea about her.
It is not necessary to transfer to strangers own negative attitudes. People should be given a chance to show their best side.
Some representatives of the stronger half like to be in a state of solitude, because they are afraid to lose their independence, unconsciously afraid of too close emotional contacts with young ladies. Often the fears described are subjected to children who have grown up in a single-parent family or having an overbearing mother. Therefore mature men look for a companion that is completely similar to his mother.
How to get rid of loneliness man? It is necessary to be a confident person and do not lower your self-esteem, as well as respect and love yourself. In addition, you should try to accept yourself with all the attendant flaws, problematic traits, bad habits.
Switch from internal experience of feeling their own uselessness in any case, a hobby or a hobby.
Thus, loneliness is not a reason for frustration and moping. It is better to treat it as free time that can be fully spent on yourself, on personal growth, self-development and self-improvement. This is the time to set goals and build strategies to achieve them, the time when you can hone various useful skills and abilities.
Freedom and independence is what solitude is all about.
Author : Practical psychologist N. Vedmesh.
Speaker of the Medical-Psychological Center PsychoMed