How to get rid of jealousy?

How to Deal with Jealousy

Contributor(s): Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS. Trudi Griffin is a licensed psychotherapist in Wisconsin, specializing in addictions and mental health. She provides therapy for people struggling with addictions, mental health issues, and the effects of trauma, both in health care settings and in private practice settings. She received her master’s degree in clinical psychology from Marquette University in 2011.

Number of sources used in this article: 10. You will find a list of them at the bottom of the page.

Number of views of this article: 33 718.

Jealousy destroys relationships; it can also be a signal that it’s time to make a change in your life. Instead of letting jealousy ruin your relationships with others, try using it to your advantage. Knowing your “enemy” face to face makes it easier to fight them. If you are jealous, protect yourself by outlining clear boundaries beyond which you can not cross.

  • Try to express your emotions on paper. You can even express your feelings and emotions in the form of drawings or diagrams that can display different emotions associated with jealousy.
  • Note that the body is sensitive to our emotions. Fear is often felt as an unpleasant feeling in the stomach, somewhat like nausea. Anger is manifested by a burning and tense feeling in the head and hands. [2] X Source of Information

Fight your emotions. Learn to analyze your feelings of jealousy whenever you experience it. For example, ask yourself: “What motivates my jealousy: fear or anger? Why am I experiencing these feelings?” Reflecting on these questions will help you get your emotions under control, and you won’t agonize over experiencing the negative emotions that usually accompany jealousy.

  • Think about what may have aggravated your feelings and try to write it down on paper. For example, you may feel fear because the last breakup was very painful, and you may be afraid at even the thought that it could happen again. You may feel unworthy of love because you didn’t get enough love from your parents as a child. [4] X Source of Information

Learn to trust. Trust the people you love. If you have no evidence that a person is cheating on you, trust them. Don’t be suspicious of your loved one, just learn to trust their words. Jealousy can ruin your relationship if you don’t trust your loved one.

Apologize and explain the reason for your behavior. You can say, “I apologize for being jealous of your friend. It doesn’t mean I don’t trust you. It’s at times like this that I feel defenseless. Thank you for listening to me.” These words should be enough to bring clarity to the situation that has occurred. In this conversation, you should show that you feel insecure and insecure and want to be more open with each other.

  • Don’t blame the other person. It is not your loved one’s fault that you are experiencing negative emotions. You alone are responsible for your feelings and emotions.
  • When discussing a problem, say “I,” not “you. Don’t say, “You’re making me jealous. ” Instead of saying, “You shouldn’t be doing this,” say, “I just feel terrible when we’re out with you, I can’t deal with my feelings.”
  • Note that your partner may perceive the situation completely differently. Listen to him, even if you don’t agree with him.

Get the help you need. If you have physically harmed your partner, such as yelling or harassing him, take a pause in the relationship and get professional help. Consult with a therapist who will prescribe either face-to-face counseling or group psychotherapy. [6] X Reliable Source Mayo Clinic Go to Source

How to Get Over Jealousy – 10 Ways

Today I’m going to tell you how to get rid of jealousy towards your husband, wife, parents, children or friends. So why are people jealous of their husbands for their girlfriends? Their wives to men they don’t know? Their parents to other children? Where does jealousy come from?

  • First, jealousy comes from fear. Fear of losing what you love.
  • Secondly, it grows out of insecurity about yourself, your relationship with your partner (friend, child, whatever). Uncertainty that your partner loves you and will not prefer you to another person who will be better than you.
  • Third, jealousy is a consequence of a possessive attitude towards your partner. The desire to have a monopoly on his personal life, to interfere in all his affairs.
  • Fourthly, this quality can grow out of any other complexes and fears.

What have we not seen in the list of reasons for jealousy? Love! Jealousy does not arise from love, its basis is fear. Constant outbursts of jealousy only interfere with love and turn the relationship into a series of misery and mistrust.

How to overcome jealousy? How to eliminate the causes of this feeling?

Get rid of everything that does not serve your love.

During jealousy attacks, many people play spy games. They constantly check the outgoing calls on the phone spouse, trying to catch the smell of perfume from his jacket, calling him every hour to make sure that he met with his friends, and not sitting in the guest mistress, forbid him to communicate with members of the opposite sex, etc. In short, they keep their partner on a short leash. At the same time, they don’t even think about where this feeling leads them.

Subconsciously people may think that they are solving some problem, which serves the interests of a healthy relationship. After all, spouses should love each other, should not cheat with other women and men, they think. And so they need to be constantly confident in their partner’s fidelity and do everything they can to nurture that confidence, even if it causes a wave of mistrust, negative emotions, and quarrels over idle occasions. In this way, jealousy gets the green light.

People are used to the fact that love and jealousy go hand in hand, and many have learned to put up with the fact that jealousy has become a full participant in their relationship.

But in fact, the paranoia that arises out of jealousy does not serve the purpose of love and harmonious life together at all, but only poisons love. Jealousy, and the actions caused by jealousy, do not solve problems, but create them.

Think about where your endless outbursts of jealousy will lead. You’re so afraid of lying, but you’re shrouding your relationship in an atmosphere of mistrust. You are so afraid of losing your partner, but at the same time you try to control his every move, blame him, create inhibitions, argue, yell, suspect…

Does this set the stage for a close, trusting, healthy and long-lasting relationship? The irony of jealousy (and many other feelings based on fear in general) is that your fear only brings closer what you are so afraid of! Mistrust and paranoia ultimately make the relationship more fragile and alienate you from your partner.

The next time you have a jealous rage and feel like yelling at your husband or checking his phone, ask yourself, how can these actions help your relationship? How will it help your love? How will it prevent those things (losing your partner, breaking up the relationship) that you fear so much?

If your answer to all three questions is “None,” or “It will only hinder,” then give your jealousy a red flag.

That alone won’t help you get rid of that feeling completely, of course. But, the first step in getting rid of negative emotions is to realize that you don’t need those emotions, that they only get in your way.

Get rid of the things in your relationship that don’t serve the interests of love!

2. Eliminate your fears.

The things we fear, we naturally don’t want to think about. For example: “What if I lose my job? I don’t even want to think about that!” As strange as it may sound, our fears have power over us precisely because we don’t want to think about what will happen when the fear comes true.

Of course, you would disagree with me and say, “I don’t think so! I think about what I’m afraid of all the time. I imagine how bad it will be for me when my beloved leaves me, and what terrible feelings I will feel.

But you don’t think about what will happen next. You’re only thinking about the negative emotions at the moment your fear is realized. Try to mentally go beyond that limit, even if you yourself don’t want to think about the future.

Think about, “What will happen in a year after we break up? What will happen in five years. The first few months must be hard for me. But then I’ll start to come around, little by little. After a while, I’ll have a new relationship, and maybe it will be even better than this one.

(This is by no means a good scenario! Maybe your relationship will live on even after you cheat! I’ll talk about that in the last paragraph of this article.)

It’s not as scary as you thought in the beginning, is it? Be realistic! Try to run through these pictures in your mind. Think about how you will get out of this situation, how you will get on with your life, not about how bad you will feel the moment your fear is fulfilled!

I believe that if you try to analyze your other fears in this way, you will realize that they too are empty. Behind almost every one of your fears there is an emptiness. The boundary at which human fear rests is nothingness. There is no need to fear this nothingness. (I will elaborate on this in my next articles.)

You shouldn’t get very attached to what you have. At this point, you may feel like a relationship with this person is the most important thing you have in your life. But, this is partly an illusion and a deception. People find it hard to think in terms of their whole life, and they sometimes greatly overestimate the role of what they have now.

This thought may be counter-intuitive. You may ask me, “How is it not worth being strongly attached to something? I am attached to what I love: my children, my family, my work, my goal. This forms the basis of my existence! Are you suggesting that I become indifferent to the things I love?”

No, I am only suggesting that you stop experiencing a painful attachment that brings nothing but misery and fear.

If you love your husband dearly, but constantly live in fear that your relationship might end, are you happy? Do you get satisfaction from such a relationship? I don’t think so. The fear of losing that relationship in the future makes you unhappy. But just because you have them in the present doesn’t make you happy, because you are constantly afraid and only think about the future!

Strong attachments give rise to fear of loss. And fear of loss prevents you from enjoying the present moment.

Not experiencing strong attachments doesn’t mean you don’t love. Not to be strongly attached means to be more comfortable with the fact that nothing lasts forever, to be realistic. To be ready for anything. And being able to enjoy what you have now.

3. Stop comparing.

“What if he finds a more worthy woman than me, more intelligent, more beautiful!”

“There are so many men around her who are more beautiful and successful than me, there is no chance that our relationship can stand.”

These disturbing thoughts are familiar to many people. You begin to compare yourself to other members of your own sex, and a fear of competition grips you. But men and women are not commodities in the love market!

Relationships between people are not always like commodity-money relationships, within which preferences are formed solely on the basis of the properties of the “goods”: attractiveness, success, intelligence, etc. Rather, it is more akin to the attitude of the owner of capital to capital itself. That’s not the best analogy either, but it’s closer.

My point is that your relationship now is not the same as it was when it first began. Maybe when you first met your partner, you were bound by mutual attraction alone.

But, as the relationship progresses, a kind of “capital” is formed, something more than just attraction and passion, amplified by external appeal and success. This capital is built up over the years, as the two subjects of the relationship understand each other more and more deeply, as they find solutions to their problems and draw conclusions from their mistakes together, as they overcome the next difficulty that comes their way…

And this capital is too precious a thing. It cannot be so easily exchanged for anything else. In short, your partner loves you not just for your qualities, but for all that you have had together. Or maybe he loves you for something else that you do not realize. And that is what allows him to prefer you to more successful and attractive people.

“Okay,” you say. “But what if our relationship isn’t like ‘building up shared moral capital.’ They’re just falling apart. I don’t feel like we both have anything else in common.”

Then move on to the next point.

4. Improve your relationship.

Spend more time with your partner. Get to know his desires. Show him care and trust. Try to work together to solve family problems. Talk about your difficulties. Become more attractive to each other. Introduce variety. And develop your relationship without stopping there!

I am not going to give detailed instructions on how to improve a relationship here. That would be the subject of a separate article. What I want to say here is that marital fidelity to one another is not a derivative of surveillance, suspicion, and mistrust. It is the result of a strong, reliable, satisfying relationship.

If you discover no evidence of infidelity in the course of your surveillance of your husband, it will not help to eliminate your jealousy; after a while it will flare up again. But when you become more confident in your relationship, when you and your partner surround each other with trust, only then you will have less reason to be jealous.

In order to eliminate the feeling of jealousy itself, as well as the reasons for it (cheating), you need to strive to develop the relationship, not turn it into a spy novel and soap opera at the same time!

Recently I have been pondering why total control by the state is usually present in underdeveloped countries. The reason, it seems to me, is that countries with big economic problems have only one way to foster patriotism and keep their residents inside the country. That way is to lie, organize surveillance, and create bans, including a ban on leaving the country. The love and loyalty of the residents of this country to the state is based on fear and deception.

But states with a good economy and social conditions do not need to resort to dictatorship. A man will not flee this country if given the opportunity. Because he loves his state, for giving its residents good living conditions and taking care of them. No one is forcing him to “love.” Therefore, this feeling arises sincerely.

You can easily apply this analogy to your relationship. You need to create an atmosphere of love and trust in your family, build up a joint “love capital” and thereby reduce the risk of your spouse “emigrating” to another family. This is better than achieving it through prohibition and surveillance.

5. Curb your fantasy.

Your husband is delayed at work. And here you are beginning to think of pictures in which he has fun with other women. But do not be in a hurry to let your imagination. If you keep imagining it, you’ll have a hard time getting out of these thoughts and listening to reasonable arguments when they come into your head.

These fantasies deprive you of the ability to soberly assess the situation. So if you have noticed for yourself bouts of paranoia on the basis of your partner’s infidelity, then take for a rule: “the first thought – wrong idea, until it proves otherwise.

This, you might say, is the presumption of guilt of impulsive thoughts. This principle helps me a lot to cope with many emotions and to see the situation as it is, not as my momentary feelings are trying to present it.

So get those fantasies out of your head for a while. You will pay attention to them later. For starters, calm your mind. As long as you’re in a state of anxiety and worry, nothing good will come to your mind.

So shift your attention to something else. Don’t let it “bind” in these fantasies. Start thinking about the problem only when you have realized that you have calmed down and your anxiety is not drawing all your thoughts to their “negative pole. Then you’ll be able to assess the situation soberly. Maybe you will realize that your fears were in vain. But maybe they will be confirmed. But before you think about it, you should calmly analyze the situation in reality, not get carried away with your fantasies.

6. Stop living only in your partner’s life.

Often the cause for jealousy is the fixation of one partner in the life of the other. This can happen because one partner has no personal interests and his personal life. He has no choice but to live the life of the other.

This refers not only to jealousy, but also to excessive control by parents (usually mothers) over their children. Understand that your control, your anxiety, your endless meddling in someone else’s life will not make you or the person whose life you are meddling in happier!

To avoid this, bring some variety into your life. Find your hobbies and your passion. This should by no means be an excuse for you to ignore your partner or child because of your new hobbies. Not at all! Let it be a reason for you to realize that there is more to life than your husband or your children.

In the meantime, allow your partner (or son, daughter) to live a life other than the family life. Leave him or her room to socialize with friends, co-workers, and even people of the opposite sex from him or her! Show your partner that you trust him, give him some freedom, don’t try to explore every inch of his life and don’t squeeze it in a vise of control.

This will also help you become less attached to your relationship as you will have something else! Consequently, you will fear loss less and suffer less!

7. Do the opposite of what you are doing

Do the opposite of what jealousy pushes you to do. If you see your wife talking to a man you don’t know at a party, instead of squinting angrily at the man and then giving your wife a scandal, go over and politely introduce yourself to the man! Maybe you will find out that this is just a work colleague that your wife met and that she just couldn’t pass by for tactful reasons. And you will realize how absurd your jealousy was.

8. Be frank! Don’t play games.

Drop all the spy games and hidden doubts! If something is bothering you, ask your partner directly! Just do not do it in the form of a scandal! Calmly tell all your suspicions and see what he answers.

But before you talk to your partner about it, it wouldn’t hurt you to assess for yourself how your suspicions are justified.

After all, many people are “hidden game” and act stealthy just because they subconsciously know that all their doubts are absurd and ridiculous and it would be absurd to tell the other about his paranoia.

So preparing for such a conversation will not only help you to be straightforward about your fears and reach a new level of trust (if you understand that the conversation should take place), but also to check whether your fears are real or are just the result of an unbridled fantasy.

9. Trust your partner

I have talked about trust several times in this article, but I think it is a rather important issue, so I am putting it in a separate paragraph. Trust is a prerequisite for a healthy and strong relationship. Think about it, do you have a reason not to trust your partner?

I am not saying that no one has such a reason. But what often happens is that we become suspicious of our partner, not because he has not lived up to our trust, but only because we ourselves feel fear and insecurity. Jealousy, in such a case, does not rest on anything in reality, but stems only from our personal feelings.

Why not try to trust your partner then? Stop seeing his every word as deception and put aside your endless suspicions. Of course, suspicions won’t always turn out to be unfounded. But try to trust your significant other and not suspect him of something bad for at least a month, no matter how he behaves or what he does.

If your fears stay with you, then you probably need to change something in your relationship. But it’s quite possible that you’ll realize how ridiculous your fears were and see how trusting your partner transforms your relationship and makes you happier. And you’ll want to stay with that trust forever…

10.Be willing to forgive

I don’t want people to take some of my advice as a way to come to terms with obvious problems in the family and get rid of jealousy, for which there is a reason. Maybe things really aren’t going well for you and your partner is systematically cheating on you. And it’s not your paranoia and fear that’s telling you this, but the established facts. (It’s hard to deny it when your husband is constantly disappearing somewhere, comes home late at night and he smells of perfume.)

In that case, it’s better not to deny the obvious things, not to suppress your jealousy attacks, and try to do something about your relationship. I’ve always been a proponent of trying to fix what happened, forgiving the person and starting over before taking drastic action. That’s what I advise you to do as well.

Cheating is not always an indicator of your spouse’s lack of love for you. Sometimes people cheat, simply because they are not sexually restrained, but they continue to love you. Sometimes they do it because, their ego craves new victories on the love front, but they continue to love you. Sometimes it is because the person succumbs to affect, but continues to love you. Sometimes it is the result of a moment of weakness, his mistake, for which he can be forgiven.

Infidelity is not as scary as your imagination and your feelings paint it. But if it has happened, be prepared to get over it together, and move on with your life. It’s not the end of life.

If you know that you are able to forgive the person. That you are capable of trusting him again, after all his actions. That cheating will not be the end of your relationship. That you can together change and improve your life together, not allowing such cases to happen again in the future. Then you won’t be so afraid of it. Then you will have much less reason to be jealous!

But this will require the trust of both spouses. And their desire to develop the relationship!

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