How to get over your wife’s cheating?

How to get over your wife’s cheating?

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I am a marriage counselor who helps couples with cheating.

In this article I will try to give advice that you can apply yourself.

Cheating is hard. And for men, finding out about their wife’s cheating is especially hard.

Cheating wife, how to get over it if it hurts and hurts? And in general – why did it happen? What to do next?

About this – in the article.

Infidelity of his wife – a big blow to the husband. A blow not only on the sense of trust, but also, to hide it, the self-esteem of men.

Because if the treason of the husband in our society is perceived with some indulgence. But cheating on his wife – to put it mildly – is perceived very badly.

For the man it is important that he “as a male” was ahead of everyone. It is important to know that his “female” is only his “female”. Animal instincts are at work.

And to know that someone has slept with his wife – can mean for a man that he “as a male” is inferior. Worse than the “competitor.” Means that he was preferred to someone else.

It feels like an element of competition. And bruised ego plays a big role in the experience. It makes a tangible contribution.

But how is it really? Is it all as men imagine?

Hasten to please (or vice versa – to upset) the stronger half of humanity. Women are very rarely cheat if they are dissatisfied with some male qualities. Sometimes even a lover may not be as good in bed as her husband. And sometimes it can be frankly worse.

So why did she cheat?

It can happen for a variety of reasons.

1) When the lover was able to give what the wife needed so badly emotionally. Needed but couldn’t get in the marriage. A sense of attention, intimacy, trust.

Because it’s no secret that if cheating happened, all was probably not so good in the marriage.

There may have been some hidden problems. That the spouses turned a blind eye to. Sometimes there would be fighting in the family. But the matter did not move from the dead point. Going to a psychologist could have solved the problem – but most likely the husband and wife did not dare.

And then there was a neighbor or a colleague or just a stranger who could listen and comfort. And with him something could be discussed. Which the husband, due to the fact that the relationship is in rupture, did not do, unfortunately.

2) It could have been cheating out of revenge. When the husband could say to his wife something like: “well, who needs you so much”, “look at yourself” and so on.

And then the cheating was done as if out of spite. It was as if the wife was saying to the husband: “You didn’t appreciate me, but someone else did!”

3) Cheating can happen when the wife doesn’t have enough confidence in her husband. When she feels like he might leave her. And then she starts looking for a “rebound option” in advance. In this case her husband may not even think about leaving her, but for some reason she interprets his behavior in this way.

4) Cheating can be a desire to get her partner’s attention. When it seems to the wife that her husband doesn’t care. That he doesn’t love her. Because he spends a lot of time not with her, but, for example, with friends, at work. It’s like she wants to see his reaction – whether he will be upset? Is she even slightly important to him?

5) Infidelity (and here already, unfortunately – multiple infidelity) can also be a consequence of psychological trauma in childhood. When a wife needs to prove something not so much to her husband, but to herself.

6) Unfortunately, adultery also occurs when a wife is tired of seeking her husband’s attention, does not believe that the relationship will improve, and simply wants to end the relationship. And adultery is just a reason to do so.

Of course, these reasons do not remove the responsibility from the wife who cheated. Because it was always possible to find some other way to solve marital problems.

For example, you could go to a psychologist. But unfortunately, in our country, this method, not very common.

What feelings, except for hurt self-love, may be affected by the husband when his wife is cheating?

Of course, a sense of intimacy and trust. Which, in fact, there may not have been much of anymore, once the cheating has happened.

But some illusion that at home a reliable rear, the husband could still be present. And now it turns out that this is not. That it was as if a loved one could not be trusted. This is perceived as a betrayal.

What can you advise a husband when there was an infidelity of his wife? How to survive this event? What can you do yourself to relieve the pain?

How to understand, forgive and survive an adulterous wife

It happened: she cheated on you. What should you do – divorce or forgive? Overnight the world lost its former shape. A new stage has arrived – the stage of decision-making.

In our article we will consider the issues of female monogamy, the signs of infidelity, and tell you how to forgive your wife’s infidelity.

Unexpected statistics of women’s infidelity

In early 2021, a large-scale survey of men and women (6,000 people in total) on marital infidelity was conducted in Kiev. The results were shocking:

  • ¾ of husbands had cheated on their wives at least once;
  • more than half of them had a long-term relationship on the side;
  • The data for women is literally 10% less, with the same ratio of one-time and permanent affairs.

And if you think these figures are very high, compare them to the results of a survey of men and women in Germany. Of the 2,500 respondents, all had cheated on their spouse at least once. This is where the concept of marital fidelity is practically irrelevant.

Judging by the insignificant difference between women’s and men’s cheating (only 10 percent less), the myth that women are monogamous looks especially ridiculous. Where did it come from? Who came up with the idea that women cheat less often?

A study by researchers at the University of Texas

As one Internet meme says, “If men are polygamous by nature and women are monogamous, with whom are men polygamous?” . To debunk the myth that women tend to live their lives with just one man, scientists from Austin, Texas, USA, have taken up the cause. They reasonably maintained that most women are prone to seeking alternatives. This is especially evident at the end of the relationship with their current partner.

The author of the study, Dr. D. Bass, believes that a woman can compare sexual partners only if she has been in a relationship with them. That is, she can make an objective choice only after the fact.

However, you cannot argue with one fact: with physiology. As it turned out, a relationship with a regular partner increases the likelihood of conception by 25%. This is due to the fact that a woman’s hormonal system is “tuned” to one (specific) man.

We can conclude that a woman is interested in a stable monogamous relationship only when having children is her personal priority. If she does not plan to be a mother, or if she has been a mother for a long time, then she is not interested in being monogamous.

Why women cheat

In our article on why women have lovers, we have listed the most common reasons women cheat. They all boil down to the fact that a woman loses a sense of serene happiness and satisfaction in the relationship with her spouse. But I want to consider the problem from a different angle – whether men understand why they were cheated on? Do they try to figure out what led to adultery or is it easier to call a woman bad words and not to dig into the reasons?

One of the characteristics of men is to think linearly, that is, literally from point “A” to point “B.” Accordingly, they reason extremely logically, rationally, and with a minimal cognitive landscape. Trying to understand what led the woman to commit adultery is better for a man to leave right away. He will spend a lot of emotional resources, but do not understand the intricacies of her thoughts.

It is important to remember one thing: a woman cheats only in a state of deep unhappiness and emotional dissatisfaction.

Happy, full of feelings and surrounded by male care wife will not lure neither Brad Pitt nor Jason Statham. But that ignored, devalued, humiliated and abused may well attract even unsightly barista from the nearest coffee shop.

If the husband has the guts to realize that the wife who cheated on him did it because she was unhappy in the marriage, the path to repairing the relationship will be open. If you continue to deny the obvious, the family probably won’t be saved.

Signs that your wife cheated on you

People usually feel that they are being cheated on, even if there is no reason for suspicion. This feeling occurs at the level of intuition, but at its core – noticed microchanges in the behavior of a loved one. Sometimes it is enough to have a “different” look, facial expressions, or manner of speech in order to understand that something has changed in the life of your loved one.

But all this is not about men. It takes more obvious and easy-to-read signs to lead them to believe a woman is having an affair. Here are some of them:

  • Suspicious secrecy, keeping quiet about her plans or changing general plans at the last minute.
  • Absences from home under excuses that have never happened before.
  • Active care about appearance (but this sign always supplements the others, as the only care about the appearance does not mean anything).
  • There was much less or, conversely, much more sex. Sexual preferences have changed.
  • Locked phone and computer, if you previously had free access to them.
  • Constant correspondence on social networks, regular checking of messages in messengers.
  • Her friends feel uncomfortable in front of you, hide their eyes, try to curtail communication or leave.
  • Loyalty to your absences, hanging out with friends, and going on fishing trips. Whereas before she sought to spend more time together.
  • Criticism and irritability on her part have become constant companions of your communication.

Once again we want to note that any one sign of the above could not indicate that your wife is cheating on you. A combination of at least 2, and preferably 3 signs should alert.

How to save the family, if your wife betrayed you.

First decide – whether you are ready to save the relationship. But this is not a one-time decision, it needs to get to. At first, you are likely to have only one desire – to do what Othello did.

But surely you will restrain your impulses. And what’s next? Where to look for help and advice on how to survive an unfaithful wife: on forums on the Internet, from friends, relatives … Our recommendations will help you successfully make your way to healing.

The strategy of acceptance

You have to try to survive. Not physically, but mentally. It is not true when they say that men experience infidelity more easily. On the contrary, because they are less emotional, they cannot correctly implement the accumulated inner tension, so they spend a lot of energy to suppress the body’s natural reaction to stress.

Your first task is to accept your anger. Be aware of your feelings: jealousy, humiliation, confusion and resentment. At a minimum, describe them in your mind, and break them down: “Yes, I feel bad because my self-esteem has been hurt. Voicing your emotions will give you clarity. You’ll be able to work through your feelings, and that will bring you closer to a state of calm and the next step.

Coping Strategy.

You are on the verge of deciding to save your marriage. Stock up on patience and strength to fight. You will have two fronts – internal and external. The first involves a willingness to survive the emotions associated with treason. Not just survive, but let go. And note, as long as it’s not about how to forget your wife’s cheating.

It is better to start with getting rid of the mental images that will periodically arise in your head: your wife in the arms of your lover, their sex, their gentle communication… These thoughts at first will explode the brain and feed the negative range of feelings. Break up with them, for it is an endless trap, a noose. Pinch yourself every time your imagination starts to paint pictures of your wife cheating. Or wear a rubber band around your wrist to flick it on your arm and stop the mental flow with a little physical pain.

The external struggle involves contact with your wife. It is up to you to find out already at this point if she is ready:

  • Work to repair your relationship;
  • sever all ties with her lover;
  • to honestly share what drove her to cheat;
  • Work with a family psychologist.

Whether to use the services of a specialist, it is up to you and your spouse to decide. But if you’re lost, do not know what to do and how to restore the previous balance of mind, it is better to use proven tools. They have a professional psychologist. It is better to take counseling first individually and then as a couple.

Reconciliation strategy

After active action, take a pause. In terms of time it should roughly correspond to the period that you would need to build a new relationship. This could be several months or even years. Do not force the events – a reconciliation must be ready for both sides, you and your wife.

But before this you should sincerely forgive each other, so as not to poison the unpleasant memories of a new stage of life together. Forgive not only you her, but she you. Because women’s treason, as we have found out, always has a reason.

And in conclusion I want to give some advice, expressing it in the words of Marlene Dietrich: “Almost every woman would like to be faithful. The difficulty is just to find a man to whom you can be faithful.

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