How to get over a grudge from a loved one?

How to survive the offense and keep the relationship with your loved ones? The five elements technique.

Experiencing resentment – one of the most painful conditions for a person, and probably you are familiar with it firsthand.

In this article you will learn:

  • What does the complex feeling of resentment consist of?
  • What can offend you?
  • What are the dire consequences of resentment and how do they destroy relationships?
  • How do you get over feelings of resentment and forgive?
  • What techniques to use to resolve hurtful and conflicting situations?

When a painful, hurtful situation has just happened, you can experience a whole range of negative emotions, they are like the first wave of seizure and plunge into the abyss of painful and acrimonious resentment:

  • Surprise,
  • a sense of injustice,
  • grief,
  • pain.

As if wounded in the heart, it physically begins to shrink and hurt, we hold back tears, there is a lump in the throat that stifles and prevents us from speaking, from expressing our feelings, from breathing.

Then a second wave follows:

  • Anger at the abuser,
  • self-pity,
  • desire to leave the relationship,
  • the desire to punish the abuser by inflicting pain in return,
  • the feeling that nothing can be fixed anymore, that something is gone.

Sometimes the dam of anger breaks, and the person begins to express claims and reproaches. Then there is a chance to correct the situation if you do everything correctly and consciously, with the help of the 5 elements technique. What this technique is, you will learn after reading the article to the end.

Resentment is inextricably linked to your inner sense of justice and your perceptions and expectations

Imagine that you have an inner belief and expectation that when you feel bad and lie down with a fever, your loved one worries and takes care of all the household chores. Doing nice things, bringing you tea and raspberries, that’s the scenario you expect. It is natural for you. So if he goes to watch soccer, with a beer, and asks you to cook cutlets for dinner, it causes a natural sense of resentment, injustice, anger, misunderstanding. You don’t get what you expected, what you deserve by definition, by conviction! If you didn’t get what you wanted fairly, at most it would make you sad and upset, but resentment arises when you are hurt unfairly and most often undeservedly.

You are accustomed to receive good gifts for New Year and other holidays and are looking forward to what your loved one will give you for New Year. Fantasies are already drawing you a beautiful ring or new earrings, or maybe it’s something functional and useful or related to your hobbies? You’ve even already hinted at a gift for him, so you’re sure to get what you’re worthy of! Here’s the clock striking 12:00, champagne, congratulations, gifts, you give him and in anticipation you unwrap your gift and there’s a package of tea or underwear. I was told stories that sometimes he does not give anything at all. What does the girl feels at this point? Insult, rejection, that she is not loved and not appreciated, for many couples is the last straw. It is very sad.

Examples with hurtful words, heart-wrenching phrases, I think you can skip, and it is clear what causes resentment, and how the scenario develops afterwards.

Maybe you are reminded of some of your situations, feelings, you can even cry if you want to, it is normal, so there is a release from the pain.

Unpaid, unlived resentment is what poisons life, relationships and destroys the one who was offended.

The most dangerous consequence of resentment is feeling victimized, unworthy, bad. Constantly experiencing emotional abuse of oneself constantly hurts, leads to low self-esteem, physical illness, and poor health. The easiest thing to do in this situation is to shut down, distance themselves, and after a while, emotional emptiness and coldness sets in. Breaking up a relationship in this case is a matter of time. Remember, every unforgiven offense lays a stone on the scales in favor of breaking up, ending the relationship.

Where do the roots of resentment?

Interestingly, resentment is not a basic human emotion, infants only have feelings of anger, joy, simple emotions in their arsenal, and as we age we learn from others, older adults, this complex feeling. Usually children learn resentment between the ages of two and five and show it in the form of manipulation: “If you don’t do this, I will resent you” . Many adults continue to play this childish game, condemning themselves to suffering.

Sometimes it is different, becoming an adult, we learn the proverb: “There is no water for the offended! And we may not voice our feelings to our partner anymore, saying, “It’s okay, it’s totally fine,” when in fact we feel pain. when in fact we feel the pain of injustice. Some don’t realize that they themselves are offended, they push their emotions out so deeply, the pain is so strong that they are not ready to face the experience.

So what to do? How not to let the offense eat away at you from the inside, to ruin your relationship, turn into a small minor victim of circumstances?

Stop running away from yourself. Hurt? Hurt? Give yourself the opportunity to live it, if you want to cry, cry. No need to run away from themselves, then it will be worse. Hurt tends to accumulate and sooner or later burst, but the consequences will be much worse.

  1. Develop the muscles of understanding and work with expectations.

To be less offended, realize that everyone is different, and usually no one wants to hurt you on purpose, it happens unintentionally, unless you meet a sociopath or a sick person. Awareness of the randomness of what happens will allow you to not feel like a victim. You will stop seeing the person you have hurt as the “enemy of the people. We all look at things differently, we all grew up in different families, we have different views and different expectations. An act that hurt you and hurt you so badly may seem like nothing to some, while your “offender” may not even realize what he or she has done! Let’s go back to our first two examples and remember those hurtful situations. Let’s imagine we have the opportunity to interview our abusers and ask in the first case: “Can you please remember your childhood when your mother was sick, what was it like ?” The second case had to do with gifts and New Year’s Eve celebrations, then we ask, “How did you celebrate the New Year, how do you feel about the holidays in general?” So what kind of answers might we hear?

Here are a few examples:

A view from his side, memories from his childhood:

“Mom hated being sick, usually when she felt sick she would send me out to play soccer, dad to meet friends, and she would cook all day to distract herself from feeling sick. Then, in the evening, we would all sit and drink tea with raspberries, I would talk about the game, Dad would joke around, and Mom would say that we were curing her with our positivity.”

“My mom has never been sick, I don’t remember her lying down with a fever. It’s a strange situation for me, and I don’t know what I would do in such a case. I don’t like to be overheard myself, I’d prefer to lie still and have less attention paid to my person.”

“Being sick is awful, I remember one time my mom got sick and was taken away in an ambulance. It was a nightmare. Dad couldn’t find his place, he was so nervous. I didn’t know what to do and just sat there waiting.”

“We hardly celebrated New Year’s Eve, my dad was a trucker, he worked all the time, and my mom usually gave me something from clothes or something practical, I generally think that gifts are a waste of money, it is better to make surprises from the heart, not when it is due. I think it’s all social stereotypes and nonsense.”

“New Year is considered to be a time of magic, and I can’t stand this holiday. I have terrible memories of tragedy associated with the New Year, my godfather died. I don’t have time for presents.”

Going back to our examples, it is clear that things are not as they seem at first glance. Your life, your partners have a story, too, and every action has its own deep roots. There is no malice in life situations, there are only deep inner reasons, you cannot draw conclusions based on subjective perceptions. It is important to learn to understand your partner and take an interest in his inner world.

In these examples you and I have opened the door to other people’s thoughts and feelings, and it has become clear to you that their actions are not intended to hurt. You may think, “So what, it doesn’t change the essence of the matter, he has already done the action, what does it matter why he did it! Right, but this knowledge allows you to manage the situation and anticipate the possibility that your expectations man will not guess, because he is not a telepath, and you too. You do not know how he looks at things, he does not know how important to you at this or that moment.

Awareness of Your Emotions Technique

You will need a piece of paper and a pen for the exercise!

Make a list of topics that are extremely meaningful to you, areas of life, think about what hurts and hurts you the most, recall situations.

  • “It hurts my feelings of indifference when I say something and they ignore me, or show disinterest, or worse, challenge or refute everything I say. They reduce everything to a joke or start another topic without letting me finish my thought.
  • Think about how you feel then, why it offends you: “At such times I feel that I am not valued, not loved, that my opinion is not important, and therefore I am not important to the person with whom I am communicating. If I am not important to him, and he does not appreciate me, why is such a person in my life? I want to stop communicating right away, stop telling him and walk away. It’s insulting. The feeling that he does not hear, does not understand and does not want to understand what I am saying. Indifference to my inner world.
  • When was the first time a similar situation happened, the first time you felt something similar? Go deeper. Think back to your childhood situations when you were not heard? When you were ignored, indifferent to your feelings and words? As a rule, these situations can be repeated in life. Remembering and living in an adult state, knowing that the man did not wish evil, you can perceive memories differently, rethink them and internally understand the offender, and then forgive him.
  1. Discuss in advance the important areas with your loved one.

You will have to make a bold step and be honest about your feelings.

Before you start the heart-to-heart talk, ask if he or she is willing to make contact, such as: “Honey, I’d like to talk to you about the moments in our lives together that are important to both of us. I think it would allow us to get to know each other better, how do you feel about that?”

If he’s ready for a rapprochement and revelation, then, knowing what the new year and gifts mean to you, ask how your loved one’s family used to celebrate? Share your experiences and find a middle ground, now you are together, and it is important to respect each other’s feelings and be able to negotiate in a mature way.

Or knowing that it is important for you how the person treats words, voice it in advance. For example, when he listened to you carefully, supported you in the conversation, respected your feelings and experiences, say, “Honey, I so appreciate you listening to me, accepting my emotions, it’s very important to me! Thank you, etc.” I’m sure you can figure out for yourself what and how to say to your loved ones. You can in the form of a story that reflects your experiences in this area. It is important that the person knows: “What you shouldn’t do, what you don’t like!” and “What you should do, what you like!”

  1. Working with feelings of injustice.

What is justice? It is as subjective and shaky as the concept of good and evil.

Feeling of injustice causes righteous anger and desire to take revenge or punish the offender, but in fact it is our subjective expectations. Powerlessness and anger make weak offended children. Take control if you think something has gone wrong, start your own hot-footed investigation. The role of the victim is a heavy burden, trust me, you will be able to handle your emotions and forgive!

If the situation has already happened, what to do? Five Element Technique.

Wait until the feelings subside and live through the offense, to realize that it was you who hurt and hurt. Give yourself as much time as you need.

  1. Earth – support – facts. Describe the situation, in categories of facts, not your hypotheses.
  2. Air – fantasies – thoughts. Tell what thoughts you are coming to, what conclusions are being drawn (sincerely your thoughts based on the situation).
  3. Fire – heat – emotion. Talk about your feelings and only your feelings.
  4. Water – change – healing. Talk about your expectations about the future.
  5. Metal – seriousness – relationships. Say that you value the relationship and him, and only say all this because resentment destroys feelings, and you want to keep the closeness and warmth in the relationship.

Example.

It is very important to maintain a welcoming tone of voice. This is possible if you are in control of your emotions, or when the first and second waves of resentment have subsided.

  1. “Misha, I was telling you about my thoughts on the New Year. You interrupted me. You turned everything into a joke and changed the subject to discussing the events in Ukraine. (It’s important to talk only about feelings and don’t stir emotion interpretation here, otherwise he’ll feel like you’re blaming him, and in return you’ll get aggression, or defense, or excuses that no one wants or cares about.)
  2. “All of this makes me think you don’t care about me. It makes me think that you don’t care about what I say. Thoughts that you don’t respect me” . Just your thoughts, what do you think? Maybe in your situation it would be the thought that he is superficial and you can’t discuss such topics with him?
  3. “It makes me very uncomfortable, I feel angry, hurt, bitter. And it’s very hurtful and sad” . (Talk about your feelings.)
  4. “I wish you wouldn’t do that again, that you would hug me and tell me that you won’t do that again” (Or any other solution that is acceptable to you, ask for forgiveness, buy flowers) .
  5. “Misha, I really appreciate you, our relationship, you know that, and I’m sharing my feelings with you because I love you and I want to keep it that way” (Match your words to the stage of your relationship).

Listen to his reaction.

If the situation hasn’t improved, what do you do?

Do all of the above, but add a sixth step: a description of your actions in case of further violation of your agreements and understandings.

  1. The element of Lightning – inevitability – warning.
  1. You and I had an agreement, I thought you understood and we found common ground, but you’re doing the same thing again.
  2. It makes me think that it feels good to hurt me, that you enjoy your superiority and my helplessness.
  3. It makes me feel even more hurt and terribly bitter and bad.
  4. I wish this was the last time you didn’t listen to me until the end (or give me a gift or be late for a meeting).
  5. I still value our relationship and feel good about you, but the feeling of resentment is very unpleasant.
  6. If it happens again, I will be forced to stop sharing important life information with you. You should understand that this will have the effect of eventually alienating us.

Your acceptable options may be completely different:

  • I will be forced to re-prioritize our relationship,
  • I will be forced to change my plans for our meetings,
  • I will change my attitude toward you.

You choose your best option to make it easier for you, and you keep your word!

Important: You have to apply sanctions no matter what! Otherwise he will understand the deception on your part, that these are empty threats, and your word is worthless.

A very important skill of man is to forgive and negotiate. Honest open communication and intimacy can give you a long and harmonious relationship with the person who loves you!

If you are ready to share your situations, your experiences with resentment, let’s communicate! Write comments, questions!

How to let go of the offense and forgive in different situations – will help the most powerful technique

Offense – an emotion that can poison your whole life. There is nothing worse than a lingering resentment. It’s a rock on the neck, which pulls at the bottom. Not letting you breathe freely, live and grow. After all, this negativity has filled the whole soul and eats energy, destroying families and everything around.

This article will break down the details of how to let go of a grudge and forgive, I will share a powerful, and most importantly working technique for the release of the long-term spiritual burden.

How to learn to forgive people

In order to learn how to forgive, we will go from the simple to the complex. Next, we’ll look at life situations and what practical steps you need to take to do this.

There are two ways to go about this: talk through your upset, or work through your own inner world. Forgive oneself for something that happened a long time ago was the initial reason. Talking can help in the initial phase to prevent this contagion from growing inside.

Zero Step.

Try talking to the person you are resenting. Very often it happens that the other person does not even know that you are resenting him. He lives his life, you can say easily and without that knowledge. And you squirm under the thick of the resentment.

But only if you are willing to talk about your feelings without emotion, yelling and insults. Which is extremely rare.

Not holding back, and saying too much, you can come to a scandal. Which can lead to the beginning of the end. And possibly to the rupture of the relationship. Therefore, if you do not know how to keep emotions under control, it is better not to start to clarify the relationship. Especially if a bitter resentment has been piling up for many years and overgrown with many splinters.

Take this zero step at the first appearance of negativity. You just have to voice your annoyance. Not only does this give you a reason to change your surroundings, but the resentment itself doesn’t go away inside. It is already expressed. Loving people will understand this tactic, and perhaps use it themselves.

Another attempt

If a heart-to-heart talk is unacceptable, swap emotion for logic and reflection to forgive the other person.

In a story of resentment, the most important thing to understand is that no one is actually suffering but you. It’s your thoughts that are eating your brain with a teaspoon.

  1. Try to go back to the situation of the offense and put yourself in the offender’s place. What did this person want from you. Was it to seriously offend, jab, or intentionally make you angry. Or is there some rational basis for the incident?
  2. Take this situation as a lesson. Perhaps the offender was trying to re-educate you, and therefore make you a better person. Think of it as a teacher who is meant to teach you something, perhaps patience.
  3. If you understand that the person maliciously offends, then ask why communicate with such a person. Wouldn’t it be better to break up?

If this replacement is given with difficulty, and so just can not get rid of, then proceed to the technique of working with your subconscious. After all, your own resentments provoke negative reflections, which can then destroy you from the inside. (Read more about limiting beliefs separately).

Powerful Resentment Forgiveness Techniques

I have many techniques on my blog that are practically based on working with the subconscious mind. And these are no exception.

  1. First, recognize the reason for the offense. Sometimes it can be difficult, especially if it is a long-standing, buried under other layers. Try, though, to dig out the truth. It’s hard, but it will remove the root cause, not mask it.

Water and Fire

  1. Sit down in a quiet place, in silence. Take a piece of paper. Recall the traumatic situation. Write down everything you can remember. Write vividly, with emotion, with strong expressions, anything that comes to mind. Just write, don’t correct the grammar or style, It doesn’t matter now in this task. Just pour out, throw out all the negative emotions that have accumulated for this situation. Recall the details of the conversation or advent. Write as long as you have the strength to do so. Tape the letter.

Sometimes this style is called unconscious writing. Let the words flow onto the paper. If you don’t want to write, open a file, and type it out. But in this case you need to print it out.

Go to bed. This exercise is recommended to be done in the evening before going to bed, since there is a serious cleansing and then emptying, then it is better to rest.

Since this is the work of the subconscious mind, you give an impetus to serious inner work. If you do it during the day. Then you may get a headache and thoughts return endlessly to the letter you’ve written.

Caution. DO NOT send or show the contents to anyone, especially the person about whom it is written. Under no circumstances. It will bring complete rejection.

Take a shower after this exercise. Imagine the water washing away bitterness, resentment, provocation, illness.

  1. Take this letter and burn it. Tear it up into small pieces. Bury it, scatter it in the wind. By any means destroy.

Take a blank sheet of paper. Write everything you can think of positive you got out of the story. Tape the letter. Take a shower after this exercise. Imagine the water washing away all resentments again.

  1. Now on a blank sheet of paper, write your gratitude to that person. Be sure to write a name, and at the end, I forgive you and let you go. These are the obligatory final words. Without them, the technique won’t be worked out. Tape the letter.

Take a shower after this exercise. Imagine how the water washes away the sticky nastiness, how it cleanses you from the inside out.

You may be interested in articles close to the topic:

How to let go of a grudge and forgive:

There are some differences for getting rid of resentment in different life situations.

In young people’s relationships.

A common cause of spats is unfulfilled expectations. For example, a girl expects from a friend – a sign of attention, flowers, a declaration of love, a fairy tale that is in her head. And the guy does not know anything.

You know what 8 out of 10 guys surveyed answered about women’s resentment. They were surprised about the reasons and many said, “So she would have told me directly. Of course, most often a man does not even know why he is offended. And the easiest solution is to pre-empt your own resentment and say, “Honey, or sweetheart, it would make me feel good if you did this or that.

How many couples have broken up before marriage because of unfulfilled expectations. And how many divorced because they couldn’t get their thoughts to each other in time. We can not get into the head of the other and read, well, what he thinks there.

So I want to exclaim, well, do not expect much from people. Well, or talk about it out loud, ask each other for nice little things.

Husband (wife), a friend or girlfriend

How to forgive a resentment to a loved one or husband and let go of the past who has left. There is such a practice – pulling out the pluses. The situation has already happened and it cannot be changed. It is important to change your attitude to the situation.

Take a sheet of paper, cross out a vertical strip into two parts. At the top left there is a “plus” and to the right a “minus”. And write all the pros and cons of the situation.

At first there will be a lot of minuses, more than pluses. Don’t give up, go back to that sheet over and over again. Understand, everything has already happened, it is necessary to live again. Complete the column with the pluses.

Your subconscious mind is now focused on the positive manifestations of this life collision. Gradually the longing will recede and resentment will fade away.

Next, apply the Water and Fire technique.

Family member.

This trouble happens not only between a man and a woman. It happens quite well in prosperous families, between a brother and sister there are some misunderstandings. Which then develops into resentment.

On one bitterness grows, like lichen, another. Discontent grows like a snowball. Many years later, it is hard to remember what caused the initial resentment. And attitudes are blighted, sometimes to catastrophic proportions.

It is so sad to watch or hear when people close in blood do not communicate because of a grudge. The nastiest part is that this emotion takes away from the strength of the person who has it lodged in their head.

Unspoken and resentment becomes silence. Silence turns into illness over time. A burden weighs on the heart, not figuratively, but literally.

There is a misconception – that one can remain silent, silencing the cause. Unfortunately, this is not the answer and can lead to the preservation of peace, but only at first glance. People avoid communicating with each other, common conversations come to naught. So that this resentment does not burst out, and does not lead to conflict.

The most reasonable, though, at the first dissatisfaction just say: “I do not like what you said, what you did to me. I’m very upset, let’s talk about it.” If bitterness is nipped in the bud, it will help to avoid conflicts in the future and life together will be happier. And that means a happier life and a more positive outlook. (There are 5 tips on how to think positively in a separate article).

Parents and children

A separate line is resentment of parents. Mothers and fathers are not chosen. The hardest ones are the resentments against loved ones. Which we may not even realize. We grow up and begin to realize that the flaws in our character may be because of what we didn’t get in childhood. Love, approval, affection, understanding, a heart-to-heart talk, not a lecture. Especially on the parents …

How to forgive the resentment of parents for childhood experiences? It often turns out that they live with their children. And living together because of joint resentment becomes unbearable. Turns into daily torture. In this crazy cocktail mixed everything: resentment, anger, remorse for their own short temper.

It turns out that living with the closest person can cause a bleeding wound. And turn your life into a nightmare (and your family, because others are also involved and suffer).

To forgive your childhood grudges and let go, you have to go to extremes. Imagine that life is fleeting and this person may soon be gone. And you will be left with a load of resentment and remorse forever. But there will be no one to ask forgiveness for the daily nagging.

And this burden will haunt you, unfortunately, for the rest of your life.

Remember the joyful events from your childhood, where parents were around. Even in the most terrible circumstances there are small sparks of happiness. Fan them in your heart to a hot fire. Understand why you needed these particular parents. Think of what you have had to overcome as an invaluable experience.

Write a letter, as in the suggested technique. You may not be able to get rid of the burden of long-standing resentment the first time, repeat it month after month. And just forbid yourself to raise your voice or snapping at the old man who lives together. Just a taboo.

Then try to ask forgiveness, and say that you understand that the person living next door can also be offended.

On children.

There are reverse situations when parents resent their children – not calling, not helping, not coming over. If you break it down, in this case, all the bitterness comes from the resulting emptiness. The child used to be with his parents 100% – living, eating, talking, coming home, helping out. Then suddenly he found his precious half and all attention shifted from the parents to the new object.

In this case, forgiving the resentment and letting the children live their lives will help:

  1. Understanding that children should have their own lives, have their own head on their shoulders, and live out a child’s fate no mother has yet been able to do.
  2. Arrange for days devoted to dad and mom. Say, once a week – to come and help. And three times, in the evenings, to call.
  3. The main advice for parents is to find a hobby that will divert the energy of worrying in a different direction. After all, if you think about it, when the kids have grown up, there was time for yourself. A dog, at least to travel, at least dancing.

You might be interested to read:

Prayer in Orthodoxy: How to forgive a grudge and let go of the past

And for those people who live in the heart with faith, you can read a prayer for forgiveness for yourself and others. Click on the picture, it enlarges.

It is a very powerful prayer. You don’t have to go to church. You can read it at home too, in private and light a candle. It would be good to learn it.

But if not possible, just read it, or write it down on a sheet. If you wish, put your name and the offender’s name in the prayer.

In Orthodoxy there is a holiday – Forgiveness Sunday. Not without reason, on this day everyone asks each other’s forgiveness for all the offenses, both voluntary and involuntary. The main thing is not to do it verbally, to get off. But with inner meaning.

And also, personally, I learned to forgive insults and let go, the simple idea that it hurts me, not my offender. And I became angry at this very emotion and began to banish it from my life:

  • With the suggested practices.
  • Meditation
  • Breathing exercises
  • Affirmations (about the miraculous effect of restoring resource affirmations – separately).

You may be interested in articles close to the topic:

I would like to believe that in the article you found the answer to the question of how to let go of resentment and forgive. I wish this negativity to leave your life as soon as possible and make room for joy and peace.

With faith in your success, Svetlana Vasenovich

P.S. . For lovers of plagiarism. Before copying materials from the site Gen Success convincingly ask to read the information and think carefully. ©

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