How to quickly get over the breakup with a guy and move on: advice from psychologists
Often there is a feeling that along with the relationship the whole world collapses. Usually this is not the case, but it is almost impossible to believe this when you have just broken up. Breakup is a terrible stress, and you need to know how to get through it. The main task during this time is to take care of yourself, relieve the heartache, and get back to normal. You probably have no idea now how to go on living if a man has left you. But I will tell you how people most often go through a breakup with a loved one, how to step back, distract yourself, recover and finally start living again.
How to get over a breakup with a man you love
Different girls come to terms with the breakup of a relationship in different ways – mostly because they handle their pain and sadness differently. Someone cries on her best friend’s shoulder for a long time, someone does not leave the house and does not want to see anyone, someone breaks away and lights up so that there is no time and energy left for melancholy (or for the same purpose plunges into work or studies), and someone immediately gets into a new relationship.
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None of these ways can be condemned, because the person is acting to the best of his ability at this time. But it’s best to let yourself grieve, mourn the loss of the relationship, draw conclusions and slowly return to life. It’s painful and unpleasant, but it’s the only way to escape the dance on a rake called “confusion in the relationship with your ex,” which risks starting at any time and drag on the head. If you are all back, then read the article how to make a man fall in love, and if you have definitely decided to forget everything, then read on.
Coping if you have broken up recently is very difficult. But you need to take care of yourself and stick to your chosen strategy to survive the separation and not break down. Here are a few ways:
- Let yourself grieve. For as long as it takes, but at least a few days. Sad music, tears, tons of paper handkerchiefs, and absolutely no constructive thoughts – allow yourself all that. You need to cry to let your emotions out. Don’t go overboard with mourning: you’re unlikely to need more than a few days for the active phase. Then gradually return to your normal routine. Thoughts of your ex and sadness won’t go anywhere just yet, but you’ll start doing something else. You can work, study, succeed, have fun at parties, enjoy life, and even get into other relationships. This is what grieving is all about. Don’t be afraid or avoid it – it’s the only way to fully experience the departure of a boyfriend and come out of the breakup a healthy person.
- Feel the state of being “at the bottom.” At some point, sobbing in the bathroom or staring meaninglessly out the window, you will realize that things can’t get any worse, that this is the point of no return. It’s a scary moment, but it’s the one after which you can begin to move upward. Focus on this moment, go through it consciously. Understand that this position is not eternal, which means that it is time to rise from the bottom.
- Find support in yourself. Breaking up is a great experience to make sure that you are the only one you truly have. Everything else can disappear at any moment, no matter how disturbing and sad it sounds. You need to feel like you are your own best friend, your own mother, and your own best comforter. It is necessary to find in yourself the strength to survive a difficult phase. And for this you need to take care of yourself, love and spoil a little. Think of yourself as a child and think about what someone close to you would do if they saw you in such a state. Would they put you on their lap, comfort you, give you something delicious, tell you something good, cheer you up? Feel the warmth of the kind of care you can receive. And that you can give yourself. Only by taking care of yourself will you find the strength to cope.
- Don’t blame. If the initiator of the breakup was a guy, you will probably start to think that you are not good enough. And if you decide to break up – to suffer guilt. Try to avoid both. Do not blame yourself for what you did or did not do. Do not blame your partner. You’re in a situation where you realize you can’t be together for some important reason – and that’s good news, even if it’s sad. It’s better to part ways with unsuitable people. Be mad at yourself or the guy if you feel like it, but don’t let the anger turn to guilt and make you responsible for the breakup. It’s not your fault. And this breakup doesn’t make you the worst person or the one who failed. Remember that, don’t deny your worth.
- Find another love. This is not a call to enter into a new relationship, it is advice to remember the other people you love and appreciate. Psychophysiology professor Barbara Fredrickson called love “micro-moments of positive response”-those moments when we feel a heart connection and warmth toward other people. You need support. And hugging another loved one, hearing something nice from them or just words of comfort is invaluable support in a breakup.
- Do something for yourself. Life often changes after a breakup – and it’s worth taking advantage of that. Listen to yourself: you may have new interests. Or find the time and opportunity to do things that relationships can not do. Take up a new hobby, take up self-education – it will help distract you. Find a interest group – social interaction will be therapeutic for you. A new hobby should bring joy and positive emotions. You can set yourself a quest to try every “napoleon” in town, or take up another non-serious activity that brings fun. As you have a new experience, you’ll notice that you feel a sense of loss as well as freedom.
- Rearrange your plans. When you feel better and a couple of weeks of acute pain are behind you, it’s time to readjust your life to fit you. You’ve probably planned something with your partner that doesn’t seem relevant now. Think about what you would like to accomplish from the point you are in now. Dream about it. Set goals and figure out how to achieve them.
- Face reality. You’ll probably want to get in touch with your lost love, try to get it all back, see that he too is suffering and wants you back. Meet with him or talk to him on the phone. Make sure that it is impossible to restore the relationship – neither of you have changed for this and are not going to change. These kinds of confrontations are necessary to let the person go faster. They are painful, but important in order to part with your own hopes.
Tips of the psychologist for girls
A lot about how to be after a breakup, according to psychologists, is said in the previous paragraph – these are valid ways to get through a difficult period and come out of it a healthy, whole person, ready to continue living. But there are also a few more tips on how to stop suffering if a boyfriend has fallen out of love.
- Get rid of reminders of the past. Throw out or put away things that remind you of the guy. If he left some of his belongings – get rid of them first.
- If you are angry – print and burn photos of us together. Do something demonstrative that will help you believe yourself in the breakup. If the burning photos want to cry – do not hold back. It will work even better that way.
- Do, eat, wear things that annoyed your partner and liked you. Give yourself a triumph of freedom.
- Update something. Your haircut, your closet, your bedding, or even where you live. Help yourself experience the “before” and “after” milestones.
- Take care of your appearance. Do it with gusto – enjoy a nice manicure, spa, spectacular outfits and flashy makeup. Just because you don’t have to do it for someone, you and your pleasure are reason enough. Don’t let yourself go after a breakup.
- Socialize. With friends, online, on forums, in interest groups, or even in therapy groups. You don’t have to suffer proudly alone – with community and support, things will go easier.
- Burn bridges. Not only get rid of common belongings, but also delete his phone number and don’t go on his social media profile. Leave the past in the past and feel it out.
- Get over it. Even if you think you broke up by mistake, that the reason isn’t that serious – accept the person’s decision, respect him. Firmly accepting his position will help you hold on if the ex decides to come back and try to drag you into the vortex of the same relationship with the same problems.
- Rebirth. Feel sorry for yourself at first when you need care. But don’t forget that you were not born to be miserable. Stay away from the position of victim, believe in your own strength and allow yourself to act in your own best interest.
- Do good deeds. Help your friends and parents, do something nice for passersby on the street. Volunteer for an event, help at an animal shelter, or do something for a rights cause. When we do good, we experience joy.
- Exercise. After a breakup, our brain produces a lot of cortisol, a stress hormone that makes us feel tired and sluggish. Exercise will help lower cortisol levels and pump adrenaline and endorphin into the bloodstream. They are the ones responsible for energy and good mood.
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What mistakes should not be made
On the path of survival after a breakup, it’s easy to take a wrong turn and spend time and effort on something that in the end will not help, if not make it worse.
Sign up on the dating site LovePlanet and look for a new guy. And, to get over the breakup in a healthy way, learn what not to do:
- Don’t chase away thoughts. Think whatever you want, let everything that comes into your head exist. Sooner or later you’ll break up with those thoughts when you realize they have no place in reality. Thinking is not harmful. It is harmful to realize what you have in mind at such moments.
- Do not enter into another relationship. You are in an imbalance and need attention, warmth, and affection, but because of emotional confusion, you don’t look like the real you. New love looks like a great opportunity to forget, but in all likelihood it will end in more misery.
- Don’t push your feelings and don’t berate yourself for them. Don’t think you’re a sentimental fool, don’t forbid yourself to feel what’s happening to you, don’t run from it.
- Don’t hang out on your ex’s profile for hours, looking at his photos and notes.
- Do not play Mrs. Marple and do not look for reasons to break up. Don’t set up a stakeout that will help you determine whether he’s pining and agonizing or partying it up.
- Don’t strive to dramatically demonstrate on social media how you’re doing great. This is a cheap trick that no one buys into anymore.
- Don’t write huge letters on your or his profile about everything you think about him and your relationship. Writing such letters is helpful, but it’s better to either keep them to yourself or burn them.
- Don’t throw mud at him. You were together, you chose him. So by insulting him, you are insulting your choice and yourself.
- Don’t start partisan wars. Do not divide your mutual friends into his and yours, do not try to turn them against him.
Now you are fully armed and know what mistakes should not be made. To finally forget the abuser, go to the rating of the best dating sites, look for a new guy and never remember your ex.
How to properly survive a breakup with a man to forget him quickly and forever
“It took me seven years to get over my first husband, and him only six months, because exactly six months after our breakup another woman was pregnant from him,” a friend once admitted to me.
I immediately thought: “What the hell! Such an injustice! Seven years and six months – the timing is not comparable. What was the reason? Why do some people get stuck in old relationships and, even with new families, don’t mentally let go of their exes, follow them on social media for years, while others only need a few months to put a fat end to it once and for all?” At first I thought it was all about the power of love. The bigger it is, the longer and more painful it is to let someone go or not let them go at all… But no! Not at all! All these things can be explained in terms of psychology, and love has nothing to do with it.
It turns out that the thing is to live through the stages of separation in the right way. And you can’t get over someone just because you’re stuck in one of those stages, because you’re not living it the right way! And alas, being stuck in one of the stages of a breakup can last a lifetime. That’s not a very tempting prospect, is it! So let’s go…
The first and very important stage of a breakup is denial of reality
When the breakup has happened, but we can’t believe it. It’s completely out of our heads. The ground falls out from under our feet, and the consciousness does not accept the new reality. And it is a normal reaction of the psyche not to believe in the breakup in order to avoid pain. And, unfortunately, it is impossible to go through this stage without pain. And friends, relatives, who will try to distract you and divert your attention to something else in the hope of helping you and sharing your grief, telling you: “You know how many more of these you will have? – are, alas, no helpers at this stage. You can only get out of the swamp on your own.
How? To accept the fact of the breakup, to understand that reality has now changed and you will have to go on alone. There can be no turning back. It’s painful and it’s hard. And it takes time.
Psychologists say the stage of denial can last from a few days to several months. When you clearly understand and accept the fact that the relationship is over, only then can you slowly begin your return to a new life. But that’s not all. Around the corner is the second phase of the breakup…
The stage of rage and anger.
You realize that everything is over and that a lot of effort and time has been wasted. You are angry about what he did to you. You hate him. You are full of negativity, and it is NORMAL. Suppress your negative feelings about your former partner is absolutely impossible! Otherwise it will go into the psychosomatic – sicknesses that you do not need. Get angry! Talk to your girlfriend, write about your feelings in a personal diary. Your task is to get all the negativity out of yourself. But do not forget that anger and rage are also energy. And this energy can be directed in the right direction. For example, play sports, go to your favorite job, start some cool project. And it is good to work on this condition with a psychologist. Just do not drive the negative emotions inside yourself, otherwise you will be stuck in this stage of separation. Convert the negativity into creativity! And hold on! Because ahead is the most insidious, the third stage of separation.
Just please don’t go back! Because at this stage anger gives way to doubt. The fog dissipates. The partner begins to seem not so bad to us. You look at the relationship with different eyes and notice faults on your side too. Guilt emerges… At this point, people often reunite again. A strong sexual attraction kicks in. Psychologists warn that most of the time this is an ILLUSION. You come back, and for a while it becomes easier, but then, as a rule, the fire of mutual grievances flares up with renewed vigor. It turns out that the past wrongs are not going anywhere, and it hurts you even more. You go back to the first stage of the breakup, and it’s like cutting a stitch that has not yet healed…
All in all, it’s important to look at the relationship not with rose-colored glasses. Soberly.
The depression stage
At this stage, you can’t avoid emotional breakdowns, sobs, tantrums, and sometimes apathy. You may get the feeling that you are at the bottom and life has no meaning. And when you think like that, please remember my article and tell yourself – this is only the fourth stage of separation! And it will definitely pass! Let your feelings tell you something else, but understand it with your mind. These emotions need to be lived through. Cry as much as you need to. Lie on the floor sobbing if you have to. And ask your loved ones for help. This is where the support of friends and family is important. You’re sure to hit rock bottom and perk up.
The gratitude stage
Finally, the sea has calmed down, the sun appears on your soul. You no longer feel resentment and hatred. You feel the ground beneath your feet. You can even say THANK YOU to your ex for everything! You make incredible plans for the future. And the fresh air makes you feel dizzy. You are back in the flow!
Too bad my friend is only now getting over her breakup. And with the help of a psychologist. And all because she was stuck in the fourth stage of the breakup for years. She buried her emotions deep inside herself, did not allow herself to howl in pain and cry. Convinced herself and those around her that she did not care and all is well with her…
In general, to survive the breakup of a relationship properly! And here is what else the psychologists advise on this subject.