Advice on how to survive a breakup, come to terms with the situation and calm down
Breakup is a difficult period for any person. Both men and women experience strong emotions, disappointment, fear of loss, anger, only the strength of different people may differ.
Almost everyone has gone through a breakup, but not everyone copes with it quickly and without consequences. Therefore, it is very important to go through a difficult period in life correctly.
Why is the breakup with a loved one often difficult to endure?
When people live together or just meet, they form an emotional bond, in some cases, and heavy dependence on the other person. Partners get used to being close to each other, to solve common problems.
Physical separation often does not mean a loss of emotional connection, especially after a long relationship. It may take months, and in severe cases, years, for a person to completely let go.
Separation can be complete – when all ties with the partner ceased, and partial, if some relationship remains, for example, the issues of children or people periodically correspond, meet in a common company. In the second case, the stage of acceptance does not come, and the pain remains.
Grief is experienced in different ways, depending on the reasons for the separation, how close the emotional ties were. For example, if there was a betrayal of a partner, it hits hard on self-esteem, the person feels rejected, while also feeling a sense of guilt, although he himself did not commit bad acts.
Reasons why the breakup becomes painful:
- There is no desire, no inner mood to completely let the other person go;
- presence of co-dependent relations;
- the person continues to follow the departed partner: monitors social networks, asks acquaintances, specially looking for meetings;
- a feeling of guilt – that something wrong was done which caused the partner to leave, to cheat;
- communication with the former continues – meetings, calls, correspondence, which each time causes memories, pain;
- Wrong break in the relationship – quarrels, mutual recriminations;
- there is hope that the person will return;
- loneliness – when there is little communication with other people, not filled with empty space.
Stages of ending a relationship, how long do they last?
Psychologists, studying social connections and relationships, have identified five stages of separation.
Denial . The person is in a state of shock, not yet believing what happened. The closer the emotional connection was, the more difficult the departure is experienced.
Anger . There is a feeling of anger, with irritation and resentment mixed in. The phase is difficult for both sexes. Anger may manifest itself visibly or accumulate inside. Irritation and signs of physical malaise appear. Emotions may be directed at the situation, people, and oneself. A ban on aggression may come into play, and emotions seem to freeze.
Important: the duration of the stages of separation in psychology is individual – from several days to several months. Many factors influence this: the intensity of feelings, personality traits, how strong the attachment was, and the reason for the breakup.
All the stages of a breakup are discussed in more detail here.
Tips from psychologists: How to come to your senses?
If the emotions and feelings of grief are strong, then you should not let such a state on its own. In order to more easily move away from the breakup, you can apply various techniques to ease the state and help calm the soul.
“Draining of emotions” . Do not accumulate emotions within yourself, it can lead to various disorders within the body and serious illness.
You have to sort of dump everything that you think about that person off yourself, like writing. One has to write until there is a “void” in the head, that is, there is nothing left to say and remember.
One should splash out any emotions that arise, not caring about the style of writing, thoughts should flow by themselves.
How to cope with the end of a relationship?
To begin with, it is important to understand that it will take time to get over the breakup until you have passed all the stages. And only after that can you enter into a new relationship. You will have to experience the full range of feelings, to accept the situation.
You shouldn’t dwell on negative emotions, but if you want to cry, you have to do it, and it doesn’t matter if it is a man or a woman.
Emotions will come over and over again, but over time they will become shorter and less frequent.
How to overcome the experience:
- Acknowledge that nothing is going to happen next. This is the point, no matter how much it hurts. It may take some time. Forcing yourself to admit the fact of finality is necessary with an effort of will.
- At first, you want to withdraw into yourself, to limit your communication. If there is a desire to be alone, it is worth doing so, for example, to take a vacation. In this case, define the time that can be spent on solitude – three days, a week, a month – to whomever is more convenient and necessary. Set a limit on when to stop doing it – to be in isolation.
- Limit communication with the person with whom the breakup has occurred. Every contact is again painful emotions and going back to previous stages or stopping at the current one.
- Remove things, photos that remind you of your partner, remove him from social networks.
- Mentally complete what has not been completed – joint plans, dreams. Thinking about them, you have to complete them, lose, and then come to the thought – no means no.
How does a man survive?
Men experience the departure of a woman just as much, but they are used to contain their emotions more, while the ladies share them with the world. This threatens prolonged depression, loss of capacity for work, displays of aggression. After passing all the stages, the psychologically stable person moves on to a new life.
The difference from women’s experiences is that ladies tend to suffer first, while men show a good mood . But after a while things change. The man begins to suffer, wondering if he can get the relationship back together again. Only the woman is already on the road to healing, and may well have found another partner.
What men should do to recover quickly after they break up with a partner:
- Exercise, such as signing up for a pool.
- Do not close yourself, do not limit the circle of acquaintances, cheer up nothing obliging flirting.
- Analyze your behavior, why there was a breakup, so as not to repeat mistakes.
- Do not try to look for a reason to meet, this will only increase the negative emotions.
- Do not rush to get a new serious relationship, it is better to be alone until all stages are passed.
Read more about how to survive a man’s breakup in this article.
Rehab tips for women
Ladies are prone to strong displays of emotion. What to do :
- Talk to someone you trust – your mother, your best friend, a psychologist.
- Don’t keep emotions out, tears in this case are part of the healing process.
- Do not try to replace your partner with someone else until all the stages have been passed.
- Eliminate all contact, remove any reference to your partner.
More information for women here.
Ways to recover from divorce
There are several ways to recover from a difficult breakup :
- Go to a psychologist – a specialist in family relationships.
- Allocate time for sports, find a new hobby.
- Change the circle of communication, if it reminds of the former partner.
- Deep analysis of his own feelings, setting goals.
How to raise your self-esteem?
After a breakup, self-esteem often falls . A person feels guilt, uselessness, there are complexes – “and what was done wrong”.
First of all, do not look for the reason in yourself, to blame yourself for the failure. Everyone makes his own choice, and no one is responsible for the decisions of other people.
Options for raising self-esteem :
- change your image;
- To go on refresher courses;
- To master new kinds of activity;
- Not to refuse new acquaintances.
How to distract yourself from negativity?
Any kind of activity, communication with people, trips to interesting places, trips to another city, watching movies, good music will help to distract from your worries.
Mistakes and their psychological consequences
Typical mistakes that are made after leaving a relationship :
- Pretending that everything is fine. In this case, negative emotions accumulate instead of being released.
- Trying to stay friends. It will be difficult to go through all the stages and get to the stage of acceptance.
- Revenge. Loss of respect from former partner and friends.
- Continuing to communicate even over the phone or in correspondence. Each time it triggers a new painful emotion.
- Running after an ex-partner, asking him to come back. Will alienate the person even more, causing feelings of resentment.
- Meeting periodically for intimacy. There is hope for a return, the stages of loss are not lived through, the situation drags on for a long time.
- Start a new relationship immediately, without letting go of past ones – a repetition of previous mistakes.
- Falling into a deep depression, trying to solve the issue by taking alcohol, illegal substances. If this happens, the depressive state will only intensify.
Video on the topic.
How to survive a breakup is told in the video:
Breaking up is an emotionally difficult process, but it can be survived. The main thing is to love yourself, to strive to get out of the situation with minimal losses . In this period, the support of loved ones is important, and in some cases it is better to visit a psychologist.
How to survive a breakup – how to calm down and start to live
Greetings to you, dear readers! Today I propose to explore an important and relevant topic, namely how to survive a breakup with a loved man or woman, how to recover from the breakup of relations and to meet a new love. Many of us have at least once broken up with loved ones. At this point, a loved one is estranged, finding some new hobbies, plunging headlong into a career or meeting a new passion. Most people find it difficult to break up painlessly and forget the exciting and pleasant moments they experienced together, to accept the separation and let the relationship go. Below we look at the most effective tips from a psychologist and find out the causes of suffering after a breakup.
Why does it feel bad after a breakup
At the beginning of a relationship, the human brain produces “happiness hormones” dopamine and oxytocin. When the beloved is near, they enter the blood, the reward system is activated, and we feel happy.
After a separation, the body goes into withdrawal withdrawal, against the backdrop of a cessation of the incentive system. Stress hormones begin to be actively produced, negatively affecting the cardiovascular, digestive and immune systems. In addition, the systems responsible for the perception of pain are activated. It seems to us that we feel physical pain, but there is no change in the body.
The process of psychological adaptation after a breakup depends on the type of the person’s nervous system, the circumstances, and the individual’s own efforts to start a new life.
Stages of the experience
After a breakup, a person experiences several stages:
- Stress, shock, and denial of what is happening. The person cannot accept that the partner no longer needs him or her and has left.
- Anger. Resentment and a desire for revenge arises.
- Vain expectations and hopes. The person tries to resume the relationship, but the partner doesn’t return. Learn more about how to reconcile with a girl in one of our articles.
- Apathy, depression. Both states are characterized by a loss of interest in life.
- Acceptance and revival. There is a feeling of gratitude for all the pleasant memories and good deeds that were in the past. At this stage, a new life without a partner begins.
Often the pain of a breakup against the backdrop of infidelity so devastates a person that he wants to forget all the events associated with the former partner. But this does not succeed for anyone, because we are usually afraid to live through the negative emotions to the end.
How to cope with the breakup of a relationship
In order to cope with the breakup, I recommend following a few simple tips.
Allow yourself to be hurt.
There is no need to engage in self-correction and artificially bracing yourself. Do not keep your emotions inside, if you feel like crying – cry, if you are overwhelmed by screaming – shout. If you like to sing, it’s time to sing a couple of sad songs. Distract yourself by watching soap operas or melodramas. Don’t listen to friends who will comfort you by saying that breaking up is not a tragedy. No one but you do not know what is in your heart. Cry until you do not feel better and do not run out of tears. You will get your strength back, but it will take time.
Do not blame yourself.
The decision to end a relationship usually does not come right away. And not even in a week or month. It usually comes with a long process of reflection. Every couple has different reasons for breaking up. But this does not mean that you are the only one to blame. The partner also began to lose contact with you. The responsibility for the relationship is always on both of you. Do not try to calculate who is more to blame and who is less.
Don’t try to win your partner back
If you think you can’t live alone and need to get things back together, I recommend stopping and thinking hard. It’s the common fear that speaks for you. After a long-term relationship, most people are scared to imagine being alone. This is a perfectly normal reaction. Do not give in to emotion and fear, do not humiliate yourself in front of your former partner. Even if he wants to go back, then the old relationship is no longer in sight.
Find a new hobby
When the acute pain of the relationship breakup passes, start traveling or go somewhere you couldn’t go with your ex-partner. Watch movies of a genre that you love, but he doesn’t.
Recall hobbies that were abandoned during the relationship. Do things that you could not do together. This will help you feel the joy of your freedom. Enroll in a dance studio or start taking an art class. Find something to do that you enjoy, and then you won’t have time to think about the past.
Immediately after a relationship breakup, many people go hungry all day and lose weight heavily. Because of this, the body’s resources are depleted, and suddenly there is an unhealthy appetite, which leads to an increase in body weight. A person doesn’t just want to eat in order to live, but he eats cake, chocolate, pizza, and other high-carbohydrate foods to snack on his bad mood. If he doesn’t exercise, the weight will skyrocket. I recommend that you join a gym and watch your figure. Let your ex-partner regret losing you.
Be sure to monitor your health and take care of yourself. It is useful for girls to do different hairstyles, experiment with hair length and color, buy more stylish and beautiful clothes.
For guys after a breakup, it is recommended to go to the gym regularly, to try to change your style and to think about getting rid of bad habits.
Make a list of good things
Do not think that the black streak will last forever, it’s just the way the brain reacts to stress. The world from the separation did not fade, try to write on a piece of paper all the good things that you have. This can be friends, work, books, hobbies, your collection of magnets from different countries and favorite mugs, the taste of hot coffee on a rainy day, a shopping trip. Try to add new items to the list every day, and when you’re feeling down, reread it.
Change of scenery
If everything in the apartment reminds of the former partner, change the scenery. Buy new dishes and furnishings, hang new curtains. The ideal solution is to move for a while.
Communicate with friends more often
The support of a friend in difficult moments is very important. But do not forget to take an interest in their affairs and ask about feelings, otherwise the entire conversation will be built only on your problems and complaints about your former partner. Try to avoid talking to people who will only aggravate your emotional state, emphasizing your guilt for everything that happened. Find those people who bring you relief and positive emotions, and be sure to use this resource. Remember to support your friends and listen to their problems in return.
Do 5 Exercises.
Renowned psychologist Daphne Rose Kingma recommends doing 5 simple exercises after a person has calmed down after a breakup. The main thing is not to procrastinate in doing them, otherwise they may aggravate the situation.
You can have a special notebook or type on the computer. The first option has a great advantage – it can be burned after completing a set of exercises.
Do not perform the exercises in a row. Take up the next one when all emotions have died down. Don’t try to just unsubscribe, this is not a term paper that you want to finish and turn in faster. No one will read what you’ve written but you.
- You need to go back to the beginning. Write a short story about how you met your ex-partner, describe the first date, the beginning of the relationship and the period when you started living together. Describe in detail what your hopes and dreams were with this person. Then focus on the reason for the breakup. Usually it is a psychological trait or some physical feature.
- Tell us about your status outside the relationship, what events were going on before you met your ex-partner. Did you want to fall in love or did you like being alone? What emotions did you want to experience and achieve? Describe what your partner could have offered you or you could have offered him or her, but for some reason didn’t do it. Talk about how you felt when things started to look like they were going to break up. Imagine you were asked to make a movie about your relationship. What would you call it? Come up with a poster and a synopsis for it. Talk about the real reason for the breakup. Is the reason for the breakup related to your professional development or that of your partner?
- Analyze the breakup thoroughly. When did you realize that you had come to your senses and everything inside was sore? If your partner initiated the breakup, the realization came much later. Describe in detail how you felt then. Make a list of reasons why you broke up. Imagine you are writing a letter to your ex-partner. Tell him all the rage, pain and repressed emotions, do not be stingy with words. Next, you can describe your feelings of guilt. This can be not only self-injury, but also manipulation on your part, unpleasant words and actions by which you were trying to cause aggression and anger in your former partner. Such a text will help you understand your shortcomings and mistakes. Now you can write a letter to your ex-partner, in which you should express your gratitude for everything he did. This will help you deal with feelings of guilt. Finally, devote a few lines to himself. You have to forgive yourself in order to move on with your life.
- Write a thank you letter to your ex or ex-boyfriend. Think of all the good things that happened during your union.
- Reassess the reality. Think hard about what you want from the future. What kind of person you want to see by your side in the future?
Consult a psychologist or psychotherapist
If the pain does not go away for a long time, this indicates the beginning of depression. If you cramp up, have no desire to go to work, you do not eat all day, hardly move and do not think straight, then you need to seek help from a doctor.
Read about effective ways to survive a breakup, you can in the video:
What not to do after a breakup
Many of us under the influence of emotions commit stupid and ill-considered actions that are then very sorry. These include the following.
Searching for casual sex
Intimate intimacy with a stranger does not bring relief, but also aggravate the condition. The reason for the desire for sex is considered withdrawal. The brain needs a source of the hormone oxytocin, so we start looking for a person to comfort.
If animal instinct cannot be overcome, I recommend not getting drunk before intercourse. Alcoholic drinks are a depressant. Instead of a vivid orgasm you will feel a strong resentment against your former partner and a sense of guilt, and in the morning you will have a headache and other symptoms of a hangover. Also, don’t forget about contraception.
Don’t bully your ex and don’t try to blackmail him emotionally. This is mean and low. If the person really feels guilty, he will not respond to your attacks and siege you.
Don’t build a new relationship.
With the help of building a new relationship, some people try to get over a past love right away. Sometimes this does help. But in most cases, the relationship will turn out to be short-lived and lead to new disappointments.
Don’t force friends to make choices
Don’t give people you communicate with ultimatums. They will not like it. If an ex-partner mistreated you, used physical force, and your friends continue to communicate well with him and accept his position, consider whether it is worth keeping friendships with them.
How to get over an ex-partner
On psychology forums you can find a number of uncomplicated recommendations that will help you forget about past relationships.
Deleting from all social media
Many people after a breakup begin to actively monitor the accounts of their former partners. Some do this in hopes of finding signs that they are missed, while others snide and gloat. Accept the fact that the person has started another life. Delete your correspondence and clear the feed. Don’t forget that the more energy and time you spend on the ex, the longer you are stuck in the unknown.
Return all your belongings and gifts.
This measure will help you get over the breakup with your husband or wife more quickly. If your ex-partner refuses to take things back, then give them to someone in need or just throw them away. You can break them or burn them, then on the emotional background you will feel a little better.
Trying to stay friends.
You may not maintain a good relationship with your ex-partner even though you share real estate or children. Listen to your heart rather than the advice of others. Staying friends is considered a perfectly normal decision, even if it is hard.
Respect each other
One of the main rules after a breakup. Despite the fact that you want to say something harsh, try to restrain yourself, take a deep breath or even a few. Think about why you are overwhelmed with emotion and why you can barely cope with it. You may be able to find a reason, and it will make you feel better. When you’re both mature enough to talk, the first thing you’ll do is discuss the reasons for ending the relationship and what to do next.
Keep your distance.
Try to accept the fact that you are no longer together. It can take a long time to build new boundaries in your communication with each other. If the former partner feels guilty and tries to redeem himself financially or physically, do not sit on his neck and encourage such actions.
Learn more about how to forget an ex-girlfriend in the video:
In this article, we discussed how to get over a breakup with the person you love, how to take your mind off obsessive thoughts, and how to quickly bounce back and purge yourself from the relationship with letters of abuse and thank-you notes.
What were some of the ways that helped you get through a breakup? Share your secrets in the comments. Maybe your advice is something someone really needs right now!