How to quickly get over the breakup with a boyfriend and move on: tips from psychologists
There is often a feeling that along with the relationship, the whole world collapses. Usually this is not the case, but it is almost impossible to believe this when you have just broken up. Breakup is a terrible stress, and you need to know how to get through it. The main task during this time is to take care of yourself, relieve the heartache, and get back to normal. You probably have no idea now how to go on living if a man has left you. But I will tell you how people most often go through a breakup with a loved one, how to step back, distract yourself, recover, and finally start living again.
How to get over a breakup with a man you love
Different girls come to terms with the breakup of a relationship in different ways – mostly because they handle their pain and sadness differently. Someone cries on her best friend’s shoulder for a long time, someone does not leave the house and does not want to see anyone, someone breaks away and lights up so that there is no time and energy left for melancholy (or for the same purpose plunges into work or studies), and someone immediately gets into a new relationship.
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None of these ways can be condemned, because the person is acting to the best of his ability at this time. But it’s best to let yourself grieve, mourn the loss of the relationship, draw conclusions and slowly return to life. It’s painful and unpleasant, but it’s the only way to escape the dance on a rake called “confusion in the relationship with your ex,” which risks starting at any time and drag on the head. If you are all back, then read the article how to make a man fall in love, and if you have definitely decided to forget everything, then read on.
Coping if you have broken up recently is very difficult. But you need to take care of yourself and stick to your chosen strategy to survive the separation and not break down. Here are a few ways:
- Let yourself grieve. For as long as it takes, but at least a few days. Sad music, tears, tons of paper handkerchiefs, and absolutely no constructive thoughts – allow yourself all that. You need to cry to let your emotions out. Don’t go overboard with mourning: you’re unlikely to need more than a few days for the active phase. Then gradually return to your normal routine. Thoughts of your ex and sadness won’t go anywhere just yet, but you’ll start doing something else. You can work, study, succeed, have fun at parties, enjoy life, and even get into other relationships. This is what grieving is all about. Don’t be afraid or avoid it – it’s the only way to fully experience the departure of a boyfriend and come out of the breakup a healthy person.
- Feel the state of being “at the bottom.” At some point, sobbing in the bathroom or staring meaninglessly out the window, you will realize that things can’t get any worse, that this is the point of no return. It’s a scary moment, but it’s the one after which you can begin to move upward. Focus on this moment, go through it consciously. Understand that this position is not eternal, which means that it is time to rise from the bottom.
- Find support in yourself. Breaking up is a great experience to make sure that you are the only one you truly have. Everything else can disappear at any moment, no matter how disturbing and sad it sounds. You need to feel like you are your own best friend, your own mother, and your own best comforter. It is necessary to find in yourself the strength to survive a difficult phase. And for this you need to take care of yourself, love and spoil a little. Think of yourself as a child and think about what someone close to you would do if they saw you in such a state. Would they put you on their lap, comfort you, give you something yummy, tell you something good, cheer you up? Feel the warmth of the kind of care you can receive. And that you can give yourself. Only by taking care of yourself will you find the strength to cope.
- Don’t blame. If the initiator of the breakup was a guy, you will probably start to think that you are not good enough. And if you decide to break up – to suffer guilt. Try to avoid both. Do not blame yourself for what you did or did not do. Do not blame your partner. You’re in a situation where you realize you can’t be together for some important reason – and that’s good news, even if it’s sad. It’s better to part ways with unsuitable people. Be mad at yourself or the guy if you feel like it, but don’t let the anger turn to guilt and make you responsible for the breakup. It’s not your fault. And this breakup doesn’t make you the worst person or the one who failed. Remember that, don’t deny your worth.
- Find another love. This is not a call to enter into a new relationship, it is advice to remember the other people you love and appreciate. Psychophysiology professor Barbara Fredrickson called love “micro-moments of positive response”-those moments when we feel a heart connection and warmth toward other people. You need support. And hugging another loved one, hearing something nice from them or just words of comfort is invaluable support in a breakup.
- Do something for yourself. Life often changes after a breakup – and it’s worth taking advantage of that. Listen to yourself: you may have new interests. Or find the time and opportunity to do things that relationships can not do. Take up a new hobby, take up self-education – it will help distract you. Find a interest group – social interaction will be therapeutic for you. A new hobby should bring joy and positive emotions. You can set yourself a quest to try every “napoleon” in town, or take up another non-serious activity that brings fun. As you have a new experience, you’ll notice that you feel a sense of loss as well as freedom.
- Rearrange your plans. When you feel better and a couple of weeks of acute pain are behind you, it’s time to readjust your life to fit you. You’ve probably planned something with your partner that doesn’t seem relevant now. Think about what you would like to accomplish from the point you are in now. Dream about it. Set goals and figure out how to achieve them.
- Face reality. You’ll probably want to get in touch with your lost love, try to get it all back, see that he too is suffering and wants you back. Meet with him or talk to him on the phone. Make sure that it is impossible to restore the relationship – neither of you have changed for this and are not going to change. These kinds of confrontations are necessary to let the person go faster. They are painful, but important in order to part with your own hopes.
Tips of the psychologist for girls
A lot about how to be after a breakup, according to psychologists, is said in the previous paragraph – these are valid ways to get through a difficult period and come out of it a healthy, whole person, ready to go on living. But there are also a few more tips on how to stop suffering if a boyfriend has fallen out of love.
- Get rid of reminders of the past. Throw out or put away things that remind you of the guy. If he left some of his belongings – get rid of them first.
- If you are angry – print and burn photos of us together. Do something demonstrative that will help you believe yourself in the breakup. If the burning photos want to cry – do not hold back. It will work even better that way.
- Do, eat, wear things that annoyed your partner and liked you. Give yourself a triumph of freedom.
- Update something. Your haircut, your closet, your bedding, or even where you live. Help yourself experience the “before” and “after” milestones.
- Take care of your appearance. Do it with gusto – enjoy a nice manicure, spa, spectacular outfits and flashy makeup. Just because you don’t have to do it for someone, you and your pleasure are reason enough. Don’t let yourself go after a breakup.
- Socialize. With friends, online, on forums, in interest groups, or even in therapy groups. You don’t have to suffer proudly alone – with community and support, things will go easier.
- Burn bridges. Not only get rid of common belongings, but also delete his phone number and don’t go on his social media profile. Leave the past in the past and feel it out.
- Get over it. Even if you think you broke up by mistake, that the reason isn’t that serious – accept the person’s decision, respect him. Firmly accepting his position will help you hold on if the ex decides to come back and try to drag you into the vortex of the same relationship with the same problems.
- Rebirth. Feel sorry for yourself at first when you need care. But don’t forget that you were not born to be miserable. Stay away from the position of victim, believe in your own strength and allow yourself to act in your own best interest.
- Do good deeds. Help your friends and parents, do something nice for passersby on the street. Volunteer for an event, help at an animal shelter, or do something for a rights cause. When we do good, we experience joy.
- Exercise. After a breakup, our brain produces a lot of cortisol, a stress hormone that makes us feel tired and sluggish. Exercise will help lower cortisol levels and pump adrenaline and endorphin into the bloodstream. They are the ones responsible for energy and good mood.
For you is a unique opportunity for a free chat with a professional psychologist for 20 minutes. Just go to the site psy-chat.ru and leave an application for a psychologist. A specialist will write to you in just 2 minutes in the specified messenger.
What mistakes should not be made
On the path of survival after a breakup, it’s easy to take a wrong turn and spend time and effort on something that in the end will not help, if not make it worse.
Sign up on the dating site LovePlanet and look for a new guy. And, to get over the breakup in a healthy way, learn what not to do:
- Don’t chase away thoughts. Think whatever you want, let everything that comes into your head exist. Sooner or later you’ll break up with those thoughts when you realize they have no place in reality. Thinking is not harmful. It is harmful to realize what you have in mind at such moments.
- Do not enter into another relationship. You are in an imbalance and need attention, warmth, and affection, but because of emotional confusion, you don’t look like the real you. New love looks like a great opportunity to forget, but in all likelihood it will end in more misery.
- Don’t push your feelings and don’t berate yourself for them. Don’t think you’re a sentimental fool, don’t forbid yourself to feel what’s happening to you, don’t run from it.
- Don’t hang out on your ex’s profile for hours, looking at his photos and notes.
- Do not play Mrs. Marple and do not look for reasons to break up. Don’t set up a stakeout that will help you determine whether he’s pining and agonizing or partying it up.
- Don’t strive to dramatically demonstrate on social media how you’re doing great. This is a cheap trick that no one buys into anymore.
- Don’t write huge letters on your or his profile about everything you think about him and your relationship. Writing such letters is helpful, but it’s better to either keep them to yourself or burn them.
- Don’t throw mud at him. You were together, you chose him. So by insulting him, you are insulting your choice and yourself.
- Don’t start partisan wars. Do not divide your mutual friends into his and yours, do not try to turn them against him.
Now you are fully armed and know what mistakes should not be made. To finally get over your abuser, go to the top dating sites, look for a new guy, and never bring up your ex.
“Our brain behaves strangely” How to get over a breakup and why breaking up with a loved one is so painful?
Breaking up with a loved one is a difficult and traumatic event, sometimes we feel like the whole world has crumbled after the breakup. The pain and bitterness can accompany us for months and even years, but it is possible to get rid of it and move on. “Lenta.ru” dealt with how to survive the process and move on.
Why do people break up and not live “happily ever after?
There is no single answer to this question, the reasons for separation are different for everyone: from the mismatch of characters to life circumstances.
However, the main reasons can still be identified. It happens that we start a relationship with certain expectations of the partner, and over time we realize that they are not justified. We have disappointments, conflicts, divergence of goals, views on life, and it seems to us that next to us “wrong” person.
Or one partner changes over time, while the other does it more slowly or does not change at all – because of this one person can get out of the other’s zone of interest. Violence or manipulation also becomes a valid reason for breaking up.
Among the main reasons for a breakup are the following:
1. lack of trust; 2. difference in priorities; 3. violence or manipulation; 4. unmet hopes and expectations; 5. partner addiction (alcohol, drug, game addiction); 6. dulling of feelings over time; 7. life and financial difficulties.
What is the break-up like?
Since there may be different factors that cause the breakup with a partner, the process of separation as well as its consequences may vary. Psychologists distinguish several types.
1. Constructive breakup – in this case people simply cannot eliminate the causes that lead to the breakup, and decide to free themselves from the relationship. At the same time, the breakup itself is not very painful. After the breakup, people do not hold grudges against each other, their relationship remains calm and is based on mutual respect, and it does not matter which of the partners initiated the breakup.
2. Incomplete Gestalt – people have reasons for breaking up, but no strength, and they come up with excuses to preserve the relationship, for example, referring to the children or joint mortgage. In such couples there is often cheating, and the partners realize that the relationship has changed, there is no trust and passion in it anymore, but they are afraid of change.
3. traumatic breakup – people decide to break up for good because they have accumulated a lot of resentment and pain. Such a decision can be quite reasonable and constructive. In this case, one of the partners is not ready to let the other go, and more often than not, it is these kinds of breakups that bring the most painful experiences.
4. postponed breakup – people separate for a while to take a break and make a decision about the future development of the relationship. This is not as hard to experience as a “traumatic breakup,” but exactly until a final decision is made.
5. A pseudo-breakup is a situation that one of the partners, who does not really want to break up the relationship, intentionally creates through manipulation. He needs it for a specific purpose or to get the illusion of freedom, or to dilute a fading relationship. Sometimes this becomes a habitual situation for the couple, and the manipulator’s goals are not achieved. It also happens that the other partner gets tired or the manipulator himself stops seeing the benefit in this behavior, and after another breakup, the relationship ends finally and truly.
In addition, relationships are divided into healthy and neurotic. Despite the fact that in both, a breakup can happen, in the case of the healthy it is lived more easily, because the partners have established a dialogue and the decision will not be unexpected. But even in this case, you will have to get used to the new life and give yourself time to emotionally and mentally separate from the person.
In the case of a neurotic relationship, there is usually a lack of trust, honesty and frankness in the couple. People may not even really know each other, so the decision to break up can be sudden. Someone who has not made this decision is likely to have a difficult traumatic experience, which can lead to psychological trauma or exacerbation of old ones. In a neurotic relationship, the partner loves through suffering because he or she has no experience of a happy relationship, and when a breakup occurs, the main fear is embodied – he or she has been abandoned, and chronic trauma surfacing that prevents him or her from looking at the situation from a different angle and drawing the right conclusions.
Why does a breakup hurt so much?
The fact that love affects our brain and hormones, triggering different processes in the body, found out journalist, author of articles on the work of the brain and psychology Anastasia Travkina.
For example, sex hormones (mainly testosterone) make us feel the “butterflies in the stomach,” but they are responsible for libido, but not for feelings. But the neurotransmitter dopamine is responsible for love and the desire to pursue a partner. Together with dopamine, cortisol is also involved in the formation of feelings of falling in love, producing adrenaline and putting us under stress – so our heart rate increases and we are literally ready to jump to the ceiling when the first meetings with the person we like take place.
The following is also the case for people who are in love: the level of noradrenaline rises, which “prints” new stimuli into our memory – it is assumed that this is why the image of the person is firmly fixed in our memory and we cannot think about anything but him. We also have lower serotonin levels, like people with depression and obsessive thoughts.
When people realize that the feelings are mutual, they form a couple, and cortisol levels go down and serotonin, on the other hand, goes up. With the emergence of unity, people have a sense of security and peace of mind because oxytocin is produced during social and bodily contact, which also pushes the couple into a long-term relationship to continue the species and nurture offspring.
And when this cycle is disrupted during a breakup, an imbalance occurs in the body: dopamine stays high for a while, provoking anxiety over the absence of the object of love. When it becomes lower, apathy sets in, which you want to take out with something (promiscuous sex, psychoactive substances or alcohol), but this will not help, and will only aggravate the condition. Physical pain may also occur, because the lobes of the brain responsible for physical sensations are activated, and heart pain. Stress can also provoke risky, life-threatening behavior.
That said, our brains behave strangely – have you often caught yourself wanting to follow an ex-partner on social media after a breakup? It’s all because the brain sees as a threat the things that cause stress and pain and sharpen its focus on them.
Feeling terrible after a breakup is normal and natural. Chemically, love is similar to drug intoxication, and breakup is like an addict’s withdrawal syndrome in the absence of a dose of a substance that usually provides high levels of dopamine. Approximately the same longing is said to be felt for cocaine after breaking up with it
Travkina specifies that it is not necessary to rush yourself to cope with a breakup – give your brain and body time, gradually it will become easier. And do not assume that if love ended, then the relationship was a mistake, and feelings are not real. Of course, in the movies we see perfect stories, love to the grave and boundless happiness, but our lives are different from the scenarios. Love, even tragic love, helps us learn about ourselves and others, and its end does not diminish the value of our personality, feelings, and experiences.
How does a breakup happen?
The breakup with a loved one occurs in several stages, and we go through them in the same way as the stages of grieving – from refusing to believe in what has happened to accepting the situation.
Shock, in this stage the person cannot accept what has happened. It can last from several days to several months. If you want to try to cope on your own, then allow yourself some time to live through this state, but then try to pull yourself together and go back to work or find something to do – a switch will help you cope more easily with what has happened.
2. Anger – In this stage the person begins to feel anger and aggression toward the former partner, and these emotions need to be given an outlet: destroy the photos they took together, throw away some things, or write a letter to the partner, and then burn or tear it up. But you should not turn these emotions, for example, to your ex’s new girlfriend or to destroying his car.
3. bargaining – by this point, the person wants things back, expects that either he or the ex-partner will change and the relationship will resume. Of course, people can get back together after a breakup, but in this state, you have to learn to understand that your feelings may be at odds with the real state of affairs, and there really is no chance of restoring the relationship.
4. Depression is the hardest part of the breakup, because all hopes have collapsed, everything that helped you to cope has been done, and there is no point in going on with your life anymore. At this stage, it is important to understand that what is happening is legitimate. You have to stay in this state – this will help in acceptance. Try not to stay in it for a long time, and if necessary talk to a psychologist or psychotherapist.
5. Acceptance – a stage in which you realize that with the separation your life does not end, the world is beautiful, and the longing and pain have finally let you go. You can begin to make plans for the future.
There are rules that can help you cope with a breakup.
1. Analyze the quality – if you felt bad in this relationship or violence was done to you (no matter what it was: financial, psychological or physical), but you want them back, it may be a psychological dependence on your partner, which is recommended to work through with a specialist.
2. Allow yourself to suffer properly – don’t try to pretend that nothing happened, cry if you feel like it, and don’t listen to those who are trying to devalue your emotions.
3 Find something to do: try hobbies and activities that you didn’t do in the relationship with your ex – you’ll at least get distracted, and maybe find something to like.
4. Find the good things around you – friends, hobbies, even your favorite pastry or cup of coffee – make a list of everything that makes you happy.
5. Make a change of scenery. If you can’t go anywhere, buy something new for the home interior or rearrange.
6. Talk to your friends, ask for their support (but don’t forget that they too are living people with feelings and emotions and may get tired of your stories).
7. “Push back from the bottom” – at some point you will realize that your condition is not going to get any worse, and this state of affairs is not forever. You need to focus on that and realize that you can get out on top.
8. Lean on yourself – you need to feel that you have only you, and other people can both come and go from your life, no matter how sad and hard that thought may be. Remember to take care of yourself and make yourself happy. This will help you find the strength to get through the breakup.
9. Try not to blame yourself or your partner. There were two of you in the relationship and the responsibility lies on both of you, albeit to a different extent. You can be angry at the situation, as well as at your ex-partner, but try to ward off feelings of guilt.
10. Restructure your plans for yourself or come up with new ones – think about what you want to accomplish and what you can do at this point.
11. Try to analyze the experience and understand how the relationship has affected you, what made you happy and what didn’t. This will help you understand yourself and avoid repeating mistakes.
12. you can try to forgive your partner or tell him/her “thank you”, or ask for forgiveness yourself, but this method is only useful for a healthy relationship – if your partner was abusive to you, it’s not worth seeking contact with him/her after the breakup;
13. Don’t try to start a new relationship right away in order to forget the previous one – most likely they won’t last. For relationships with new people, you need to establish a relationship with yourself.
14. Go on “dates with yourself” – visit a beautiful place, have dinner in a cafe, go to an event.
15. Stabilize your emotions and state – try to stick to a proper diet, daily routine, take up sports, develop your psychological literacy.
16. If you can’t get rid of your thoughts about your partner, you can try to have an honest conversation with him. When you hear rejection, you will only have to accept his choice and live your life – he is an independent person.
17. Accept the fact of the breakup, don’t hope to restore the relationship with someone who doesn’t love you anymore – you have to work through and let the situation go, otherwise there is a risk that it will carry over to a new relationship.
If you realize that you can not cope alone, it is worth referring to a specialist – you may need the help and advice of a psychologist or psychotherapist.
Is there a difference between the perception of separation between men and women?
Experts believe that a woman after breaking up with a beloved man feels all the stages of separation more strongly, but it is easier to enter the stage of returning to life. However, a woman can experience situations where she has a false hope of resuming the relationship.
Men, in turn, cannot allow themselves to show emotions, although it would help them to survive the depression stage – they try to experience the breakup as inconspicuously as possible. At the same time, at the stage of anger and denial, men may start drinking alcohol or having casual sex, but the realization that it does not help will come only at the stage of acceptance. In addition, the breakup will also hit the man’s self-esteem, and some of the resentment and distrust will carry over into subsequent relationships with women. They need more time to live with the breakup and get rid of the consequences.
Why is it so hard for us to break up?
Often we want to keep or get back into a relationship, even if it was difficult and hurtful. This is because we have a fear of loneliness, we are afraid that we will not meet a new partner and we will no longer be loved – yes, the relationship was not good, but there at least everything was clear, but now it is over, what to do next?
It also happens that one partner depends on the other financially, and it seems that he can’t survive alone. This often grows out of parental attitudes and devaluation in childhood and affects mostly women-they end up sticking with a couple where they feel very bad. In fact, research shows that women do not necessarily need a partner to lead a full and interesting life – on the contrary, “singles” spend more time on themselves and their hobbies, and value time alone much more than men do. And lately, women have been less and less eager to move in with their partners because they don’t want the burden of providing for the couple’s life to fall entirely on their shoulders.
Can the decision to break up be wrong?
Of course it can – all relationships have crises that arise because of circumstances beyond our control, and we can’t find new ways to solve them, and the old ones have stopped working.
Dialogue is necessary here – if you see that the former partner is willing to discuss problems, look for ways to solve them and open to the fact that you will listen, learn and consider each other’s opinions, then there is a chance to restore the relationship. If you are attracted to each other, but the problems are not solved, and only multiply, and you do not know how to change it, it is worth to sort out your feelings. If you can not do it yourself, again, it is worth seeing a specialist.
The main thing: love yourself! The relationship with yourself – the most important and the most important in our lives.