How to Support a Man During a Divorce
For every man, a family, children, cozy home associated with happiness. When the family is in harmony, and the man and woman and children feel calm, protected. But often abuse of alcohol, physical abuse or treason are the cause of the breakdown of relationships. People who so recently considered each other family, decide to part ways for good. The question of how to get out of the depression after a divorce, more often worried about the former spouses, for which the decision of his second half was a complete surprise. In some situations, the initiator of the divorce also experiences severe stress, and needs the psychological support of others.
Symptoms of depression after a divorce
Few people manage to feel normal after the dissolution of the marriage. In such a situation, a depressed mood is considered a normal state. But, if a person experiences acute mental pain that does not go away for too long, it is necessary to take measures to prevent depression from escalating into neurosis or other mental disorder.
You can tell if depression is on the rise by the following symptoms:
- A feeling of irretrievable loss. The person is sure that he/she has lost something which can never be replaced or found;
- An acute sense of resentment;
- the unfortunate person is overcome by anxiety, hopelessness and fear – “how to live further, what will happen to me now?
- loss of interest in events and the people around, apathy;
- acute perception of criticism or advice from others;
- low self-esteem;
- a depressed state, loss of the ability to enjoy ordinary things – good food, watching your favorite TV show, sex with other partners, socializing with friends or girlfriends.
Some people, in an effort to get rid of severe emotional distress, tend to completely withdraw into work. This allows them to feel needed and busy, but over time, the person begins to experience physical exhaustion and realizes that work does not bring moral satisfaction.
For other women or men, on the contrary, depression after divorce manifests itself as a loss of ability to work due to inability to concentrate. Constant mental torment leads to a deterioration of memory, problems in professional activities.
Often, unhappy people try to dull the mental pain with alcohol or drugs, and in the most severe cases of prolonged depression, suicidal thoughts may arise.
A man’s psychological reaction to divorce
A man’s feelings and first reaction after a divorce can vary and depend on his character and psychological traits.
- Many divorced men choose defiant behavior. With their posturing, they try to prove that the divorce is easy to go through, and that they do not regret what happened. In reality, the man hides constant reflection. Such a contingent often resorts to alcohol, drugs.
- Some men after a divorce are lost, withdrawn into themselves, resentful of the world, unable to restore mental balance. The ex-spouse is haunted by guilt, he scrolls through the episodes in his memory, regretting that in time he did not understand how to behave properly with his wife. This is a dangerous situation, it is advisable to consult with a specialist who can help get out of such a state.
- A man may experience the opposite feelings. There is anger, rage, and he accuses his wife of all the mortal sins. At the same time, left alone after a divorce, a man loses his bearings, does not know what to do, how to live further. This instability undermines his faith in himself. The result is depression, loss of interest in life.
- Sometimes the man pretends that nothing has changed. He internally does not accept his wife’s decision to dissolve the marriage, and he tries to maintain familiar relationships. Such a position is characteristic of men whose spouses frightened divorce in any conflict situation. Against his will, the ex-husband assesses the situation as a habitual manipulation of his wife. Overcome self-deception is difficult, the reasons lie in the subconscious sphere.
Useful information: How to get back ex-wife: psychologist’s recommendations For all behavioral reactions divorce for any man is painful, it takes time to stop worrying, to get used to the new conditions, return peace of mind, to start living from a new starting point.
Stages of the post-divorce period
It is important to know that depression after divorce in men and women runs about the same way. Psychologists distinguish 5 stages that absolutely everyone must inevitably go through after a relationship breakup. Understanding the processes going on in the soul helps you to more easily survive the post-divorce period. If the person knows that the negative emotions they are experiencing at the moment are absolutely normal, then it will be easier for him to understand that this condition will not last forever, and will soon pass.
- Denial arises due to the fact that the body is trying to protect itself from a strong emotional shock. At this stage, the person seeks to devalue the broken relationship, complaining to others about the shortcomings of the former spouse, trying to give a rational explanation of the fact of divorce.
- Spite – following the stage of denial, an embittered state arises. Resentment against the former partner manifests itself in aggression toward his personality. If the former spouses have to contact during this period, any communication ends in quarrels, mutual accusations.
- Trying to apply – when strong emotions, aggression and resentment pass, there is a desire to restore the relationship. This period is considered one of the most difficult, because in most cases the desire for reconciliation arises only from one of the partners.
- Depression – at this stage, there is a clear awareness of what has happened. The person understands that the broken relationship cannot be restored. He is seized by a feeling of despair, fear for his fate and the lives of his children. Especially acute depression after a divorce can be experienced by a woman who is on maternity leave and can not work to provide a decent life for herself and her baby. If the divorce was initiated by the wife, who was tired of constant drunken debauches spouse, the depression in men manifests itself as a realization of his worthlessness, guilt and helplessness. The duration of depression can depend on various factors, for each person, this figure is different. It is when depression drags on for too long that it is necessary to take measures to combat this dangerous condition for emotional health.
- Adaptation – after a period of depression always comes the understanding that life goes on in spite of the broken relationship, and you need to start adapting to new conditions.
How long does depression last?
The answer to the question of how long depression lasts after divorce in women and men depends on different factors. The severity and duration of each of the stages described above may vary depending on the reason for the separation, the age of the spouses, the presence or absence of children, financial security.
Important role in successfully overcoming post-divorce period is the support of close people and friends. As a rule, the crisis period does not last more than 2 years, although under favorable circumstances, it may pass in just a few months.
How to survive depression after a divorce?
How to cope with depression after divorce, if life has lost its meaning, there are suicidal thoughts? In such a situation, it is necessary to urgently contact an experienced psychologist who has sufficient experience working with divorced spouses.
Advice from an experienced specialist will help to quickly get rid of negative feelings, significantly reduce the post-divorce period, to find a new partner. Thanks to this there will be an opportunity to return to a normal rhythm of life as quickly as possible.
If the depression after a divorce does not manifest itself in severe complications, you should try to normalize the state of mind on their own. To do this, psychologists recommend to follow these tips:
- Do not limit yourself in communication with friends, loved ones. Do not lead a secluded life and avoid people – this will only aggravate your condition. Even if you have stopped talking to old friends because of a divorce, it does not mean that you can not make new friends. Talking to friends is one of the best ways to at least temporarily distract yourself from difficult thoughts. Advice from your loved ones can help you evaluate your situation more adequately and figure out how to live your life. If before you spent most of his time on arrangement of the family home, now you can safely spend time among friends with similar interests.
- Engage in physical activity – they activate the production of hormones of happiness, help cope with depression, to turn away from negative emotions. Regular exercise teaches self-discipline and improves self-esteem. And besides, physical activity will help tone up the body and a great look.
- Take care of yourself. This advice is relevant not only for women, but also for men who do not know what to do when depressed after a divorce. Often, immersed in depression, representatives of the strong completely lose interest in their appearance – forget to take a shower, shave, change fresh underwear. During depression, people are in a depressed state and have little desire to dress up. However, following basic rules of hygiene, buying new things, or changing your hair will help to improve self-esteem and recover more quickly.
- Proper Meals. Before the divorce, the wife cooked delicious lunches and dinners, fed the family, and cleaned the table afterwards. After the relationship broke up, things changed dramatically for both spouses. The woman may lose the desire to cook for a family that no longer exists, and the man often simply does not know how to make a piece of raw meat into an edible dish. But we must remember that for the normal functioning of the body, including the nervous system, you need to eat a full meal. In the diet there should be meat, fish, fruits, vegetables, cereals, dairy products – in no case should not replace them with fast food. Vitamins, minerals and nutrients that are contained in the “healthy” products, will help you recover faster, improve your emotional state, more likely to get rid of depression after a divorce.
How a man to build a life after the collapse of the family
Modern psychology offers various recommendations about how to behave a man to get out of a mental crisis after separation from his wife, and what not to do in the period of adaptation to a new life.
You can not go into yourself. In need of communication, a man after a divorce should discuss the circumstances with an attentive, intelligent person.
- It is necessary to find an interlocutor who can empathize, jointly analyze what is happening, to draw conclusions.
- You should not turn yourself inside out, but it is useful to be emotional.
- It is necessary to tell the interlocutor intimate experiences, listen to his thoughts.
A man going through a divorce, do not be shy to accept help from friends, relatives. This can be a frank heart-to-heart talk, services of a domestic nature, an invitation to the extra visit.
Work and hobbies
Living life means being active. You have to have a will to find things to do. He should find a hobby.
In a critical state can be difficult to concentrate on a serious, demanding attention to the problem. Engage in less significant work, down to the small mechanical work.
It is important to change something in your life:
- change your image, your closet;
- overcome the dullness of daily life;
- expand your circle of acquaintances;
- diversify your activities.
Life goes on, but it is wrong to rush into a new deep relationship. After a divorce and separation one should take a break, wait until the excitement subsides, memories subside. Easy connections, uncomplicated acquaintances are attractive. But it is wise to keep yourself in check. Casual relationships are powerless to have a lasting positive effect.
A man should try to keep contact with his wife. It’s sometimes difficult, the psychology of men after a divorce requires breaking off communication with his former spouse. But by overcoming initial resistance, a divorced man will win in the future. In addition, maintaining a relationship with his ex-wife after a divorce is quite inevitable in the presence of children.
INFO: Wife wants a divorce, and I do not: how not to give your wife a divorce?
How to find personal harmony after divorce?
Depression after divorce in women and men goes differently. So, women usually experience a lot during the first year. During this period, they cry a lot, complaining to girlfriends and parents. Men do not allow themselves to show excessive emotion, trying to keep them inside. As a result, a heavy emotional burden leads to a constant state of depression, apathy, which often lasts about 1.5-2 years.
It is worth noting that for the first few months after divorce, ex-husbands may feel a state of euphoria, of joy about their new, independent life. With time, however, a state of homesickness sets in; the new life no longer seems as fun and carefree. In addition, if there were common children in the marriage, a few months after the divorce, the man is fully aware of how hard it is not to be able to see them every day.
How to get out of the depression after a divorce with his wife?
Because men tend to hide their own feelings from outsiders and deny the state of depression, a permanently depressed state can develop into a psychological disorder.
To avoid this, ex-husbands are advised to adhere to the following tips:
- Avoid excessive and frequent consumption of alcoholic beverages.
- Try to accept the fact of separation and the need to start a new, independent life.
- Do not ignore the new acquaintances with women.
- Chat more often with friends, try to stay home alone less.
- Engage in your favorite hobby, which, perhaps, previously did not like the ex-spouse. For example, you can buy a used car and fix it up, or buy an expensive fishing rod, fishing boat.
- Exercise your body – sign up at the gym. This will help you get organized and always look great.
- Take steps to increase your own financial status – this will help improve your self-esteem.
- Don’t keep all your worries inside yourself, be sure to share them with a loved one – a friend, brother or parents.
A man after a divorce
First option. She is not experienced enough and therefore does not know that now she is just filling a void, plugging the wound left by his wife. She has no idea that now a man is not able to appreciate either her or her feelings for him, he has no resources and forces to build a new full relationship.
Option two, the opposite. She is aware and approaches the funnel knowingly and voluntarily. Why? Maybe she doesn’t take the relationship seriously and generally doesn’t care what this “fun kid” does. Or, on the contrary, she takes this connection seriously and hopes that the usual black hole law will not work and this case will be an exception to the general rule. She hopes that her love, patience, or ingenuity can reverse the pattern.
Courageous individuals and other women on whose horizon this phenomenon of nature, the freshly divorced man, looms, need advice on how to be with him and what to avoid.
- First and foremost. If you are sensitive enough and at the same time do not have a penchant for transient intrigue, and you want to build something solid and lasting, do not get into a relationship with a man after a divorce. No matter how good you were, it is unlikely he will be able to appreciate you, he does not have the strength to do so. Your own forces will be needed a lot, and they are likely to be wasted.
In principle, the first point is also the only one. But if the temptation is too great and / or he, for some reason, you really need him, sweetheart and even love him, then see point 2.
Return to yourself – how to get out of depression after a divorce
Despite the democracy of modern society, the word “divorce” still sounds scary. Behind it lies the exhausting divorce process, conflicts, and emotional irritation.
All these events negatively affect the overall psychological state and lead to depression. Separation entails a reasonable question – how to go on living?
The Face of Depression
Each couple breaks up in its own way, someone being married is already living a separate life, and divorce is just a legal formality.
And for some people the news of the breakup becomes a real tragedy, which must be accepted and somehow survived.
In any case, after the breakup of the family, men and women have a psychologically difficult time. The question arises – how to return to normal life and to harmony within themselves?
In some cases, the “victims” of divorce become depressed.
Psychologists define this ailment as an affective state, accompanied by the following symptoms:
- negative emotional background;
- passive behavior;
- changes in cognitive perceptions;
- changes in the motivational component.
Simply put, a person sees life in black colors without any chance of a happy future. That is why he has a bad mood, sad notes and a decline of strength. Any attempts to encourage the “poor man” to take any action come up against the question “why, if nothing is going to change anyway?”
Why is depression the first “girlfriend” of divorce?
Russian psychologists estimate that more than 14 million former spouses suffer from depression.
This is a high figure. Symptoms can manifest in many people, but it is important to distinguish protracted sadness from a depressed state.
There are several types of this psychological illness:
- Psychogenic depression is a disorder that occurs as a reaction to the loss of a loved one. This refers to a breakup. More often such a condition is inherent in men – depression, dissatisfaction with themselves and their surroundings, anxiety, inhibited reactions, a sense of hopelessness and helplessness, a tendency to suicide. Such depression without intervention by a specialist can become chronic.
- Endogenous depression is an internal form of the disorder due to a deficiency of certain substances produced by the body. Such a condition requires medication treatment with the use of psychotherapy methods. Severe anxiety over divorce gives rise to the development of acute depression.
The main cause of depression after a divorce is loss. Loss of the other half, the usual way of life, confidence in the future.
The sufferer experiences several stages:
- Denial (“I don’t believe that it happened to us”, “everything can still be returned”, etc.)
- anger (“how could he/she do this,” “I hate him/her”)
- resentment (“it’s all his or her fault”)
- dialogue (“if only…”, “let’s try this…”)
- realization of what has happened (“why did it happen this way?”);
- acceptance of the situation (after the divorce process).
Experiencing depression in the ruins of family life is a common situation for women and men alike.
You need to give yourself the time and opportunity to realize what has happened. This stage is just necessary.
But it does not need to delay and aggravate it, otherwise the grief will get caught up in the “swamp of mud” and without the help of a psychologist will not get out.
How to return to personal harmony after a divorce – psychologists know
The reaction to divorce depends on the peculiarities of the psyche and are strictly individual.
But for men and women it is still different.
The fairer sex begin to worry immediately after the separation, even before the formal divorce process. The hardest emotional period falls on the first year after the departure of the head of the family. At this point, the first signs of depression begin to appear, and suicide attempts are not excluded.
If the divorce was initiated by the spouse, it is not easy for the man.
Such a decision often comes as a surprise to him, because to a man’s eye, any conflicts can be settled. And he does not realize what they can lead to. The man is not yet aware of what has happened, it seems like a dream. At first there is a state of detachment and apathy.
It is easier for the woman to “release” the negative emotions. Sitting with girlfriends, crying on your parent’s shoulder can help. Men, on the other hand, keep everything inside themselves, so it is more difficult for them to get rid of the heavy emotional burden. He just needs to find a listener who will sympathize.
If the divorce was provoked by a man, the first time he “flies” and enjoys freedom.
There is no more room in his life for family strife, recriminations, problems and responsibilities. It seems to him that this is the beginning of a new chapter in his life, in which there will certainly be acquaintances, entertainment, prospects and horizons. The state of homesickness comes much later, when he realizes that this new life is not as rosy as imagined.
After a divorce, most often the children stay with their mother. This is another factor that exacerbates a man’s condition after a divorce.
An empty house and the infrequent opportunity to see the children increases the feeling of loneliness.
Because of the different reactions to the separation, each sex has its own ways out of depression. Let’s turn to the advice of psychologists.
The problem is that many men are in denial about the state of depression. It comes to the point that depression turns into an acute form of psychological malaise.
To prevent this from happening, listen to the recommendations of experts who will advise how to survive a divorce with his wife:
And hookups won’t help you escape from reality;
- Do not withdraw into yourself, do not ignore the women (new acquaintances will only help to get used to the bachelor life);
- Accept the fact of the breakup and realize that the past is not coming back;
- Accept the need to build a new life;
- occupy all your free time so that there was no time to “chase” sad thoughts;
- Find a new hobby;
- take care of your body and health;
- it is time to take care of your career and self-development;
- don’t sit at home, meet with friends, be in company;
- Pour out all your worries to a loved one.
If you can’t come up out of the “quagmire” by yourself, make an appointment with a specialist. You shouldn’t joke about your psychological health.
Divorced women have low self-esteem, so they have to learn again to love and respect yourself. In order to restore inner harmony and get back to yourself, it can take years, it is not easy work.
To start with, you have to stop feeling sorry for yourself. Victim of circumstances is always a loser, learn to take control of adversity.
Look at the situation from a positive side:
- Realize that the state of “self-mistress” is back, enjoy it;
- Write a new scenario for yourself and put it into practice;
- Let go of the memories, live the real events;
- Go on vacation and change of scenery;
- Have fun at full throttle (dancing, hanging out with girlfriends, walking), but do not sit at home a prisoner of a past relationship;
- Give yourself time to recover, not everything will work out the first time;
- Think about your loved ones, show care and attention (this will help distract you from your own problems);
- Learn to enjoy the little things;
- beat laziness; occupy yourself with even the most insignificant things;
- Carry on with yourself, change your image;
- Pay attention to your health and figure;
- Don’t shy away from communication, especially with married girlfriends.
Of course, it’s easier to feel sorry for yourself. But it is worth fighting for every happy episode of your life.
Depression will happen, but it should not be “started”, life does not end with divorce, on the contrary, it only begins.
According to divorce statistics, a quarter of divorced halves get back together and live even happier lives. Therefore, depression can also be a beneficial factor in helping you rethink yourself and your view of the marital relationship.
Debt division in a divorce is one of the most difficult issues in the entire divorce process.
A prenuptial agreement can help divide assets after the divorce is finalized. Read more about this in our article.
Can I get a divorce when the spouses have a child under 1 year old? Find out more about that here.
Testimonials from happy people who were able to overcome depression after divorce
My depression took me to extremes – I was pouring out my grief, scrambling for work, and losing my best friend. I was so lonely that I just didn’t want to live sober, and I didn’t dare to put my hands on myself. I didn’t even realize I was depressed. One day I woke up in the subway next to a stray three-legged dog, and it dawned on me that this couldn’t go on. The poor animal just can’t take care of itself, but I’m human. And that extreme point was the start of a new life for me. It’s been 5 years, I have my second happy marriage, my son was born, I have a new interesting job, and that dog meets me at home every night from work.
OlgaMinina, 25 years old:
My husband was cheating, I forgave, but one day I could not bear such humiliation. I initiated a divorce, it was hard. Depression started even before the divorce, probably at the time of the decision. I don’t remember how six months flew by – only a wet pillow at night, and work till night in order not to go back to the lonely apartment. Then I watched the movie “Pray, Believe, Love”. And did what the main character did – went to live in Thailand for a year. Depression disappeared on its own. Now I’m getting ready for the wedding.
Peter Petrovich, 45 years old:
Divorce after 40 is even more difficult. In my case, the initiator was my wife. This was a painful blow to my ego. Depression coincided with a drawn-out age crisis. A psychologist helped me, though I was ashamed to go. He was a grown-up man, but he could not understand himself. I think that without his help I would have gone to the noose.
Zara Shman, 37 years old:
I chose to fall in love instead of suffering and tears. It turned out to be not so easy, because my heart felt like it was made of stone. Honestly, for a year I changed more than 20 partners, looking for love and consolation. It helped, I just didn’t think about my worries. And yet I met that prince, who was able to melt the ice in my soul.