How to forget my wife’s past?

How can I forget and not think about my wife’s past?

Hello, dear psychologists. My name is Vlad, I am 31 years old and married. I found out that my wife had many men before me and now in my head there is a picture of her in bed with other men. I am very offended and depressed by this. Our relationship is very good, love and mutuality and respect very much for each other. We are honest and sincere with each other, but the very thought that she has been with many men just destroys me and poisons my soul. I feel that I cease to love her, I told her about it, she said that it was all in the past, but I myself am not a saint, but still. How can I not think about it, we have a good family, married for 7 years, two children, and I love them very much. Please help me. I do not want to ruin the family because of this, I want to continue to live in a happy family and raise children. But I can not do anything about it, I feel like I torment myself and my wife and hurt her words, I understand that I myself am to blame. I dug up this past myself and created problems for myself, I feel like I am drowning in a swamp full of filth and lust. No appetite, haven’t eaten anything for more than two weeks, I feel I have no strength left. How can I forget all this, forgive and let go, because it’s all in the past, I myself have a past, and I myself have been with many women. But these feelings have never been. Help me, I am completely out of power. I feel that soon I will destroy myself spiritually and the family and hurt my wife, I pity the children, they are not to blame, what can be? Please answer me. How can I stop thinking about my wife’s past? Thank you very much in advance. Respectfully, Vlad.

Question author: Vlad Age: 31

Psychologist Grazhyna Cheslavovna Pawlowska answers the question.

I feel in your letter and bitterness, anger, anxiety and fear of relationship breakdown.

Let’s think, does the fact that your wife has been with many men mean that she is not completely with you now? That there is someone else more meaningful to her? The nuance here is important: do you think she is “different” or that there is someone who is “taking” her away from you. That is, the focus on her or on competing with others is important.

“I dug up this past myself and caused my own problems on an even playing field, I feel like I’m drowning in a swamp full of filth and lust” – so you asked your wife about this yourself and now the truth is torturing you? What prompted you to find out about it? Did you want to make sure that you were important to her?

This is the picture I saw: it’s hard for you to be completely with the woman you love because a third thing is coming between you – her past. And this third one sucks the strength and energy out of you. Think about with whom else you’ve lived similar feelings: bitterness, resentment, anger, that it’s as if you’re less important than someone or something. That you feel as if you are being deceived about your worth. In these experiences I see as if there is an insufficiency of your own worth and value – of you, out of connection with others, just on your own.

Think about how these feelings “come alive” in other areas of your life: is it important for you to achieve and be seen all the time? How confident do you feel when you are not in a leadership position? (e.g., in your profession, in your relationships with friends).

“I feel like I stop loving her”-does this mean that the significance of her previous relationship diminishes the significance of yours?

Honesty and trust implies acceptance of even “undesirable” truths about a person. And if there’s something you can’t accept about your wife (you’re hurting), there are definitely things you can’t accept about yourself, inside you, either. Some shadowy moments that are hard to admit even to yourself.

Perhaps you have some childhood trauma related to rejection that escalated after learning about your wife’s past (you write that you’ve never felt this way with any woman before – perhaps it has to do with an early childhood parenting relationship).

There’s one more thing. It’s not your fault that you have such a strong reaction. Give yourself credit for that jealousy. It’s not easy to accept the truth about a loved one.

“How do I stop thinking about my wife’s past?” Shift your focus. Keep thinking about her past, but do it in a more constructive way: observe yourself. For example: “she’s been with a lot of men. I feel crushed, I’m angry. ” – and keep track of your body sensations, your thoughts, YOUR states. But don’t let the observations start with “she,” but with “I.” Put yourself first. The intensity of feelings goes down as we observe and name them. Keep track of all YOUR reactions rather than scrolling through a movie of bed scenes. At first, that might lower the heat. But I think therapy would be helpful here.

Jealousy of your wife’s past.

Everyone has a past life. People do crazy things when they’re young. Some lit up until morning in clubs, some walked around town with friends until morning, some went camping. But almost everyone had at least one pre-marital relationship that ended in a breakup. First love at school or college. They met, went for a walk while they were young, and later realized that their paths diverged and broke up. But both got the experience of a relationship. So when they get married, both partners have something to remember and compare it to.

Jealousy of your wife’s past.

Let’s talk about the wife’s past. There are three categories of husbands: some prefer his wife to be a virgin, others want an experienced partner in their wife, and others don’t care. How good it is if a woman has had no one before her husband. The husband will not be lost in speculation and wonder how many men she had before me, and who is the best? But if your wife is beautiful and smart, and men pay attention to her, surely she had many suitors, and even now there are. That’s where the spouse worries, becomes jealous of her past and tries to be at least as good as her ex. Calm down, your wife chose you among so many suitors.

Your wife has a tumultuous past.

It also happens that a wife, when she was young, led a pretty rambunctious lifestyle. This does not mean that she slept with many suitors. It means that she knows her worth. She enjoys gifts, courtship. She has many friends. And being married, she may meet former suitors at the holidays, and here the spouse’s jealousy will eat away at her from within. Or it could also be that the girl, in her youth, maybe even foolishly, worked in obscene establishments. And she had a lot of men. But then she met her future spouse and calmed down.

The wife’s past keeps her mind occupied

A man is possessive by nature. It is important to him that his woman is his alone. But before him, his wife was possessed by someone else. Sometimes the spouse even wondered who and how many partners his wife had. But the more the woman talks, the more the past of his wife does not give rest. In his head draws unimaginable pictures. But wait, were you innocent before marriage? Didn’t you have a girlfriend? You weren’t courting anyone? So why couldn’t your wife? She, just like you, was looking for a life partner.

How to forget your wife’s past

Many men would like not to think or remember who his wife was before. Advice to such men: if the past doesn’t make itself known, just forget about it. Your wife chose you and it is for a reason. And here’s the thing, do you think it’s easy for her to think about how many women you’ve had? Live in the present. Never compare yourself and her exes. What does jealousy of your wife’s past lead to? If you do not calm down and constantly start to press your wife, ask a lot of unnecessary questions – you will lead your marriage to divorce. Jealousy means mistrust. Yes, at first any woman will be pleased that her man is jealous of her, it means he appreciates her. But when it escalates into paranoia, and the man starts forbidding her to go out with friends, to have male friends, the woman just can’t stand it and leaves him. If you want innocence itself, the best candidate is a Muslim woman. They are the ones who are strict about it. Interesting article on the topic: Sex before marriage

An example from life about jealousy of his wife’s past

Let’s say a young man, dating a girl, knew that she had another love before him, and the first. But it did not work out. The couple got married. The spouse even knew the guy. That guy got married, too, and had a daughter. But his wife doesn’t want kids yet, since they’re both young, fresh out of the parents’ nest. And then a doubt creeps into the husband’s mind: why doesn’t she want to have children with me? He begins to pester her with questions. The girl cannot stand it and leaves him for her parents. The marriage is on the verge of breaking down. The guy comes to his senses and gets his wife back. But how many marriages fall apart because of mistrust. Learn to trust each other. It’s one of the foundations of a happy marriage. Everyone has a past. And it’s good that we have one. We’ve learned from it, made mistakes so that in our marriage they will not.

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