How to fix the relationship with my ex-husband?

Twice in the same river: how to mend the relationship with your ex-husband?


In almost every couple, whether it is a couple of lovers or a married couple, one day there comes a moment when the partners begin to doubt the correctness of their choice. And it’s good if those doubts lead to a positive rethinking of the connection, the partner is seen even better than before, and the relationship strengthens. But often there is a break in the relationship, which can drag on and end in the end, a complete rupture. And it often causes suffering, because if we spend enough time together with a person, it is as if he grows in us, strengthening somewhere inside with his roots. Such a partner, in spite of all the disagreements, still remains close and somewhere even kindred. What should we do in this case? How to restore the relationship if you regret the break-up, and whether it is worth it to restore? Let’s try to figure this all out.

Relationships after the breakup

Relationships after a breakup with a former lover or spouse can be different. They largely depend on the reason for the breakup and how the breakup happened. For some couples, the breakup happened as a result of a crisis in the relationship, for some – because the love really left, and for some due to the treason of one of the partners. One way or another, but there are no “exes” in our lives. Proved by the experience of many separated couples. Even if we are offended at the person for what he hurt or humiliated, it is very difficult to get rid of the sense of ownership over him. It may be present in us for many years, even when a new life partner.

Statistics show that more than half of the broken up couples do not give up even a sexual relationship after the breakup. This is understandable, because the pain of loss multiplies the emotions. And the former husband and wife or lovers rush into each other’s arms, causing themselves even more suffering.

But the suffering can be avoided if you call on the help of reason and reconnect or break up for good! Both the relationship with an ex-husband and the relationship with an ex-boyfriend do not go away, and in many cases they can and should be restored. Because we are already aware of our partner’s shortcomings and are quite capable of putting up with these shortcomings. But what bad things will be found over time in the next spouse or boyfriend, you never know. He may be much better than his predecessors. But it is quite possible that not! So what is the right thing to do? Adjust again, or split up again, going on to look for ideal? There are no perfect people, and these searches may drag on for life. Restoring the relationship with your ex-husband or relationship with your ex-boyfriend is certainly not an easy matter. For this, each of the partners must make certain conclusions for themselves. Any couple, as a rule, connects a lot – common friends, memories, experiences and other things. In addition, at first the relationship between the couple is almost always wonderful. People study each other with interest and notice mainly the merits of the person. And only after a while in his character and habits suddenly begin to clearly visible flaws that may eventually overshadow all the advantages. That usually leads to a breakup. Often after this breakup happens a strange thing. If the relationship was originally present in love, the shortcomings of the ex-husband or ex-boyfriend suddenly seem unimportant, and their strengths – significant and unique. However, this is understandable. Firstly, the good is better seen from a distance, and secondly, the exes have become practically relatives, and the flaws of relatives are considered an extension of their virtues. And we accept them as they are. The exception in this case is usually adultery. Few of us are not able to forgive it even to a very positive partner by character. We perceive treason as betrayal, and it generates tremendous distrust, which may settle in our souls for many years. The wall of distrust is so strong that no amount of asking forgiveness, no effort to be always faithful and loyal can destroy it. And it is impossible to restore the relationship after the betrayal. This, of course, is not quite right. Cheating happens for a variety of reasons and both partners are to blame in most cases. But what can we do, cheating is what we can’t forgive. We can favorably treat the lack of attention from the boyfriend or spouse, his laziness, immaturity, inertia, and sometimes even the rampant drunkenness and uncontrollable aggression. And when taking a break from a relationship because of such shortcomings, we often doubt that a complete breakup is necessary. So when an ex-boyfriend or husband tries to make amends, we forgive them and calm down. This is not the case with adultery. Restoring a relationship after cheating is a very difficult, long process that requires constant work not so much with your partner, but on yourself. He-then maybe about treason have not thought, but we will see it at every step. Well, how to resume the relationship after the betrayal is a separate issue. Now let’s talk about how to restore the relationship after the breakup, which you regret. And whether they can be restored to the form in which they were originally.

How to repair the relationship with your ex-husband or boyfriend?

Restoring relationships is only possible when there is more than just shared memories between former partners after a breakup. If, apart from them, there is nothing, it is better to refuse to get back together, because it will not be possible to establish relations with an ex-husband or boyfriend, obeying only the habit to them. Why? Because initially they were doomed to failure, because they were not created on the basis of a powerful need for each other. Two people were simply together for a certain period of their lives, in which they quite likely needed one another. That period has passed, and the relationship has outlived itself. What about the other situation, when the ex is still very much needed, and you think about them day and night? It must be said that if the initiator of the breakup was a man, it is better for the woman to gather her strength and wait until he comes to his senses, or to try to put him out of her mind. There is nothing worse than a woman who is puffed up from grief, trying by all means to get her spouse or boyfriend back. Representatives of the male sex are afraid of this kind of pressure and try to get away from such a person. As a result, instead of rebuilding relationships, we destroy them completely. So call for help with all your willpower and waiting for the first step of the man.

Of course, it’s not easy. Especially when we regularly cross paths with our exes at work, at mutual acquaintances, on the street. But that doesn’t mean we have to change jobs, friends, or the routes we take all the time. Why do we need more trouble? At work, we should try to stay calm and unperturbed. In the company of mutual acquaintances, you can find a friend (by the way, a good way to awaken jealousy in the ex). And during regular meetings on the street, pay more attention to your appearance and look so spectacular that the ex will lose the power of speech. Is it possible? Quite possible. Yes, in addition, it will also be good for us. First, we will not humiliate our dignity, and secondly, we will get new opportunities for development, and thirdly just transform! And this is already a significant step on the way to our happiness. If the partners parted by mutual consent, without scandals, then there is nothing to think about restoring the intimate relationship. Usually in such cases, the ex-husband or boyfriend remains our, albeit not friends, but buddies. And we can well make friendly visits to each other, not particularly concerned about whether they and we have someone else or not. Of course, if this “someone else” does not mind, which is very rare. However, the need for visits, in most cases, does not arise in the case of a breakup with mutual consent. After all, such partners break up because they are no longer united by any goals and interests. And they are not faced with the question of how to build relationships with their exes. Setting up a relationship with an ex-husband is much easier if there are common children. There is no such thing as an ex-dad if the ex-spouse is not a bad father. Forbid him to see the children in general can not, and if the soul to the ex-husband reaches out, then even more so. Let him come more often, take the children, have lunch, dinner, and rest. Soon he will stay with her. After all, they’re family after all. Of course, now that he has a new family, renewing the relationship may become impossible. Or it might not. Who knows how things will work out there. So let him show up more often. You will still have a chance to get your husband back, and if anything, it will be easier to get over the breakup. But you do not have to reproach your ex-husband for something, and remember past offenses. It is of no use. He will not tear his hair out from remorse, but he can easily disappear from our life.

Can lead to a reconnection and intimate relationships with your ex-husband or boyfriend.

Even if they got new partners, sex with them is possible, because we continue to be close people. Besides, who better than us to know our ex’s needs and desires in bed? Over a long period of time, we have been able to learn it quite well!

Yes, it can also happen that we, suddenly losing our heads when we meet our ex, throw ourselves into his arms, and the night will be perfect. And in the morning he will come to his senses, silently pack up and leave. It can also be that after a stunning sex both will remember everything that caused us to break up – domestic problems, some significant shortcomings of each other, treason, finally. And all attempts to be reconciled through intimacy will come to nothing. But the situation can be continued in a quite favorable way: we both suddenly realize that the break-up was a mistake, and it will turn into a break in the relationship, which is often good for the couple. And if not… well, at least we’ll have some fun.

I must say that an intimate relationship with an ex-husband or boyfriend has a significant disadvantage. They can easily nullify all our efforts to forget the person. So still lose your head when you meet your former love should not be. Before you think about whether we can take it back the way it is, and forgive all that has happened? If not, then give in to the desire to get into bed with him is not advisable, even if the ex and insists. There is not much good in such sex. You can not bring back the past, but you can let your partner know that we are always at his service. Why would we do that? Because then the ex-husband or boyfriend will still see us as his property. And this may well prevent us from creating a new, serious relationship with someone else.

Of course, situations are different. It also happens that, after parting with a woman, a man begins to meet with others and realizes that none of the ladies will be closer to him than his ex-girlfriend. Then sex with the most beautiful woman no longer attracts him, and the house becomes empty and gloomy, and his interest in life disappears. And more and more often, with love and warmth, they remember the past, and they want it all back so much that they don’t work, don’t sleep, and don’t rest. And she thinks of the same thing at the same time. The situation is sad, unnatural and… Blatant! Because it demonstrates our inability to understand each other, our desire, by all means, to prove our case, our inability to be lenient and patient with the dear person. The situation must be corrected. How? Just call your ex-boyfriend or husband or meet with him and talk frankly. Pride does not allow, and you can not step over it? Well, well… We can only hope that providence will fix everything and will bring us together with the person dear to our heart. Or maybe not. If the relationship with your ex-boyfriend or husband is renewed and you realize that the break-up was a mistake, the main thing is not to remember him in the future. It is not necessary to find out later why it happened and who is to blame. Relationships must be built anew, focusing on what you already know about your partner and your own state of being separated from him or her. Reunion must be mature and conscious. In this case, flirting and an attempt to see your beloved in a new way and show yourself from a new side will only do you good.

Conclusion: reconnecting with your ex-boyfriend or husband is quite possible. It is important to understand that this will already be a transition to a new level of relationship and to become wiser than before. Let’s respect our loved ones and forgive them for their shortcomings and minor transgressions. Because without them it is bad, dreary and boring. Without them, the world becomes bleak, dull, and uninteresting.

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It is possible to restore and heal a relationship without spiritual anguish and distress. Healers can completely normalize a relationship without consequences. In this method of healing, the impact is on the energy level, both on the relationship itself and on the cause of the disturbance. It opens the way for understanding and progress in current and future relationships. There is a cleansing of interpersonal relationships of problems and the elimination of all negative connections between people.

I am so confused that I do not know what to do! I am 21 years old a few years ago I first heard about him half a year ago we met and worked together, but our relationship did not go beyond the workers … He quit his job and then I quit… I do not know anything about him … I do not know but I love him very much. Now I have another man in my life but I do not love him, he was there when I was very sick and we are still together almost a year We see each other every day friends say he is very nice and serious guy I understand it all myself but I can not do anything. I tried everything but to no avail, and I went to extreme measures to cast a spell on him I was advised to appeal to a magician (, he said without any problems, and after a while I got Sergei and said he did not love his fiancee wants to be with me only. And I realized that all came true, and at that moment I believed in higher power. We are together for two years and we are preparing to the birth of a baby and then kanesh kanesh the wedding, I am so happy.

I think that getting back together again is pointless as people do not change. But for example in-laws separated for 4 years, then got back together and have been together for 8 years. So who the hell knows…

I’m not even going to read it.

I hope to live with my husband for the rest of my life))))

it’s a hard topic… to drag the bagpipes, to stretch the unbearable relationship… because habit… a kind of addiction… but where to get the strength to break up this relationship… it’s better not to separate at all!

How to communicate with your ex-husband after divorce, if you have children: what is better not to do

Hello, dear women. According to statistics from Rosstat about half of all marriages fall apart. In different decades, their number increases or decreases a little, but on average (from 1940 to 2021) from 10 break up relations 5 couples. Of those, 30% have one child and 12% have 2 children or more. Divorce is always traumatic. It’s easier for adults to deal with it, because they make their own choices and already know how to manage their emotions. And it’s harder for children – their world falls apart at once, and they don’t know how to live any other way. Improper adult behavior at such a difficult moment can break the children’s psyche and lead to serious problems in the future life of a young family member. Let’s hide resentment and pain in a far corner of the soul, include common sense and, listening to the advice of psychologists, try to understand on the blog , how to communicate with your ex-husband after a divorce, if there are children. There are only 9 NOTs to follow to make life much easier after a divorce.


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Do not lie and do not hide

Hiding from your child that your parents have decided to divorce is a bad idea. And lying that Dad and Mom are fine, just that Dad was sent on a business trip, he needs to live with Grandma for a while to help her, as well as saying something like that is definitely not a good idea. Because:

  1. A child is a very sensitive “organ” of the family body. His gut feels everything that happens to his beloved parents.
  2. You have to lie a lot and a long time. Get lost in their own lies is easy.
  3. Baby will find out the truth sooner or later, and he will be more painful, because he suspected, and you convinced him that all is well.
  4. You will lose not only the completeness of the family, but the trust of your offspring, and that is much worse.

You should tell the truth at the very beginning, when the divorce has just happened. You shouldn’t tell earlier either – what if you change your mind during the reflection period (usually two months) given by the court for reconciliation.

Inform the child about the divorce must be carefully. It is not worth it to let out snarky phrases and pretend that you have long wanted to. “Finally your daddy will leave us alone, this jerk is not worthy to be with us or let him go to this fool…”. There are many examples, but all of them are just traumatic for the children. Yes, it hurts, but take your will into your fist and hug your child and say something like this: “Honey, I understand you’re scared about what’s happening. You deserve to know the truth. Our relationship with Daddy, as husband and wife, is over. We’re going to be separated from each other from now on. That’s what happens with adults. But we both love you just as much and remain your parents. No one is going to take your daddy or your mommy away from you. We’re sorry we hurt you.”

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Don’t impose guilt on your child

When you break the news, expect a violent reaction – crying, screaming, accusations, and better if they are. It is bad when a child closes up and feels everything inside himself. And it usually happens if he feels guilty about the divorce. There were probably several arguments that went along with the decision, in which Dad accused Mom of not raising the children properly, throwing in examples of their failures, and she responded by saying that he didn’t do anything about them at all. Hearing this, the child attributes the blame for the divorce to himself. He suffers, believing that his parents would not divorce and were happy without him, concludes that he should disappear and you make up. Half the trouble if he just leaves home, but tragedy can happen. So when making the decision to divorce, don’t impose guilt on your child. Explain to him that it is an adult decision, coming from their relationship to each other and not related to his actions.

Don’t make Daddy the “bad guy.”

To children, parents are two halves of an apple, for example. And if one of the halves turns out to be rotten, then the child will feel inferior, spoiled. So, no matter how offended you are at your ex-spouse, do not say that he is “bad. Let him be bad for you, but not for your son or daughter. Find the strength to calmly talk to your ex-husband and build a new relationship based on love for your offspring. Agree in his presence to behave calmly, communicate smoothly, politely and professionally. Ask dad not to talk badly about his mom or in her presence, or later. Promise to behave in the same way. Do not discuss faults and shortcomings of your spouse with relatives or friends in front of the child, and ask them not to tell him bad things about his father.

Do not prevent further communication

For the full development of a child to have both parents – the father and the mother. So don’t prevent communication after the divorce. Negotiate the terms and set the time of meetings (preferably on neutral territory). Communication should be regular and positive. Only in this way will the baby believe that the parents’ divorce is not the end of the world. You will have to establish a relationship with your ex-husband, remembering that you are doing it to raise a child together. How do you do that?

Without a frank conversation can not do, but it must take place on neutral territory and without prying ears. Say right away that contact is necessary to build further business relationships, aimed at stabilizing the moral state of the children. During the conversation, avoid discussing the reasons for the divorce, your resentments, his shortcomings and other sensitive topics. Discuss:

  1. Social schedule. Designate days when Daddy will pick up the child at night. And days when they can walk together in the evening.
  2. The ability to maintain habits. If the father took his son to karate on Tuesdays, and his daughter to dance on Wednesdays, it’s better to keep it that way.
  3. The specifics of their own communication. It should be minimal and rational, reduced to recommendations about food, clothing and other important things, but avoid the moralizing.

Urgent questions that need to be solved, such as the urgency of buying something or an unplanned “day at Daddy’s” is better solved by messenger correspondence or phone call. Do not make appointments on his territory and do not go to his “house”. Being together for a long time, you will go back to figuring out the relationship, and neither of you need this, especially the child.

I should note that in some cases communication with the child’s father is impossible, for example, if the father is an alcoholic, a drug addict or a cruel tyrant. The recommendation “not to prevent communication” does not apply to such situations.

Don’t turn the child into a spy.

If your ex-husband left for another woman, by becoming the initiator of divorce, it is very difficult to communicate with him afterwards, even for the sake of the child’s happiness. But to build a normal “post-divorce” relationship is necessary, how to do it? Psychologists advise:

  1. Take a break. Exclude communication for a month or two, to get used to what happened and “seal the cracks” in your own inner core. Tell your children the truth, that while it is difficult to communicate calmly with Dad, and you do not want scandals, so you need time to come to their senses.
  2. Do not make a spy out of the offspring, sending him into the house of ex-spouse, and then asking details of the appearance of his new wife and their relationship.
  3. Do not turn against the other, do not make her do bad things, do not involve the child in adult games.
  4. Don’t expect her to love your child. It is better if she treats him respectfully, but keep her distance.

Allow yourself tears, cry out the grief and be reconciled. Explain this to your children: “I’m sad and hard right now, but it will pass, I’m fine and able to take care of us. Do not switch roles with your children, do not force them to grow up before their time. Because of their fragile psyche, it’s not up to them yet.

Do not drag them into a fight.

When it is impossible to agree with your ex-husband, because he does not go to peace, deliberately fights and poisons life, you are left to observe neutrality. Do not get involved in a war and do not drag your child into the showdown. Believe me, he himself will quickly understand who is the villain in this thriller. He will understand and worry. To help him, explain: “Daddy is angry at me, so he tries to hurt me, as do all people when they are angry or offended. I hope it goes away. And someday we’ll be able to communicate calmly.”

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Don’t get your hopes up unnecessarily

If divorce is an unfortunate mistake for you. You love your ex-spouse and hope to get him back, and he’s already made up his mind for himself, then the situation is complicated many times over. Usually wives take advantage of children by doing everything they can to get their ex-husband back into the family, forcing them to communicate with themselves as the mother of their child. This is wrong:

  1. If he has fallen out of love, nothing can be changed.
  2. The child becomes a tool of manipulation. He senses this and tries to help his mother, for he too dreams of restoring the family. He will take the failure of the plan personally and suffer.
  3. The father, realizing that the mother is using the child as an excuse to meet him, will avoid them. As a result, the thought of meeting with his son or daughter will make him disgusted, respectively, the father-child relationship will come to naught.

Do not get your hopes up, do not manipulate children, do not try to glue what is broken in pieces, do not hurt yourself.

Don’t demand affirmation of love.

Another favorite way for ex-wives to manipulate an ex-husband is to demand proof of his love for the child, such as expensive gifts, buying something not particularly needed but urgently needed, spending time together, regardless of work or ill health. “You promised to take him to the zoo, and now you refuse. Take a fever – take some antipyretics and go.” “If Daddy loves you, he’ll buy you a new smartphone, at least make up for his absence.” By doing this, the mother herself alienates the father from the children and turns him against herself. The victim in this case is the child, because he again becomes a “trump card hidden up his sleeve,” whose true feelings are of no concern to either of the warring parties.

Don’t try to replace the old dad with the new one.

Do not try to replace the old daddy with the new one, even if this new one, in your opinion, is the best man in the world. That is how he is for you, but not necessarily for your child. Your child can fall in love with his stepfather, but it should happen independently, not by force. Do not impose love on the offspring of a new husband. Not everyone is capable of treating someone else’s child as their own. Ask both sides to show respect for each other or, if difficult (usually for teenagers), maintain neutrality. And it will be easier to avoid conflicts with your ex-spouse if he understands that no one is claiming his paternity.

Build an adequate relationship with her husband after a divorce is extremely difficult, but necessary if the family has children. Their moral state, health and future depend on the result. Family psychology is aimed at solving various problems between spouses and children, including overcoming the difficulties associated with divorce. Can not cope on their own, turn to professionals. They will help both you and your children through this difficult period in life with minimal upheaval. That’s it for me. Goodbye.

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