Where to look for yourself
How do you find yourself? What to fill the emptiness we feel inside? And what do we do when we don’t have the energy to act? The answers to these questions can only be found by interacting with the outside world.
“There’s nothing interesting in my life… Work-home-work, no hobbies.” Or you also often hear: “How do I find myself? I cannot figure out what I want, even though I am always thinking.
I think I know the answer – or rather, where to go to find the answer. In my opinion, it’s a hopeless business to look for answers to the questions “How do I find myself?” or “How do I find hobbies?” or “Where do I get the energy to live?” within myself. They are not there, so the question directed to oneself echoes back.
A person exhausted by hunger will never find a source of new calories and nutrients within himself. It’s the same with our psyche–there is no “purpose” that was laid in us before we were born. Our “self” has only our needs, our sense of scarcity – what keeps us from feeling good.
To discover a need in ourselves is just to discover an inner emptiness that wants to be filled
Our three basic needs are security (“schizoid part” of the personality), acceptance by others (“neurotic part”) and recognition (“narcissistic part”). Now, where are the objects that can satisfy these three basic needs? In us-or in the outside world? Who will be fed up with recognition from himself and no one else?
True security is not in solitude, but in trusting contact with another. The person who is constantly immersed in himself, turning away from the outside world into “self-contemplation,” is immersed in a state of need, endlessly feeling it. To feel one’s need clearly and distinctly is important, but what happens if a hungry person constantly feels his hunger and refuses to open his eyes to look around for food? And many people are in such a state.
Open up to the world
So the answer to the question, “Where do you get your interests and psychological energy for action?” is very simple: in the outside world. The meaning of life cannot be discovered in yourself, it is revealed when we are open to the world.
Those to whom a little openness is enough and it takes a long time to “digest” and assimilate impressions, we call “introverts.” “Extroverts” are those of us who have a lot of energy, they absorb a lot of it from the outside world, but are often unintelligible, clogging up other people’s voices and lives with their self, which timidly tries to communicate its needs.
There are those who are afraid to go out into the world – it is full of dangers and monsters. It is better to be hidden in the shell of their inner universe, which, however, is empty, silent, and apathetic. There are those who have forgotten their “I”, completely merged with the external environment: they are not afraid, because they lose the “I” that can feel fear. They become fearful when life is thrown out of its flow for a moment.
We have at our disposal a host of surrogates that make it impossible to feel real hunger: television and the Internet as fast food, identical to the natural world.
The energy to act arises as a result of the tension between a need and the objects that can satisfy that need
The clearer you feel hunger without dulling it with surrogates, the more actively you will seek food. You are clearly and distinctly aware of both the emptiness and what can fill it. Communication with other people, music, a favorite book, a business-anything, but none of these activities are within us.
Happiness is the state when we know that we have everything to meet all the important needs that arise… I think many are familiar with the rush of energy in the moment of a clear realization, “So this is what I want!” or, “This is what it takes!” To experience happiness, you have to actively seek and interact with the outside world. Until you’re searching, searching, searching – you’ll never find an object to which the body will respond: “Mine!”
How to Find Yourself
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To find yourself, know yourself first. Finding out who you are is an eye-opening experience. This is how you can become self-sufficient and finally start living for yourself. It’s a hard feeling to describe in words, but when you don’t know who you really are, it’s hard to ignore. Finding yourself is not easy, but as in that proverb, it’s worth it. Here are some tips on how to begin the process of knowing yourself.
- This is not an immersion in your life. It’s all about figuring out and identifying problems. These problems may be keeping you from discovering your true potential and feeling like you are in your prime.
- Take some time and clearly describe your past in a chronology. A chronology is a surprisingly objective method for noting events in your past that you find significant. Look at them as the building blocks that make up your entire life experience, don’t bring too much emotion into them (about the same as if you were keeping a diary). Write simply, write the truth, and focus on the main impact of the event or the lesson learned from it.
- When analyzing your past negative experiences, look at the positive lesson you learned from it, don’t focus on the mistakes and failures. After all, you learned something from it all. Everyone goes through such stretches in life, don’t exaggerate them or, conversely, assume they didn’t happen at all. Instead, accept and acknowledge that if these events had not happened, you would not be the person you are today.
- Society secretly teaches us to see the “undesirables,” condemn the “losers,” worship the “beauties,” and shun the “weirdos. But here’s the conundrum: All these judgments have no basis in reality. How do you feel about the world around you? Think specifically about what you think is good and what is bad – don’t accept someone else’s opinion on the matter.
- Feel free to think more specifically. Do you really agree with your parents’ political and religious beliefs? Is building a career the most important thing in life? Do black glasses really make you “cooler”? If the answer to all of these questions is no, great! There’s no problem with not adjusting to the norms that already exist. All you have to do now is unlearn and then learn again. Only this time, follow your intuition.
Adrian Klafaak is a career coach and founder of A Path That Fits, a career and personal coaching company based in the San Francisco Bay Area. He is accredited as a professional coach (CPCC). Uses his knowledge from the Coaching Training Institute and his training in Hakomi Somatic Psychology and Family Systems Theory (IFS) therapy to help thousands of people build successful careers and lead more meaningful lives.
Embrace your individuality. Adrian Kiafak, a career coach, says, “In the U.S., our culture does not encourage people to know themselves: their passions, gifts and unique qualities. What’s more, we are all so busy all the time – work and commitments just don’t leave time to put our passions into action in order to know who we are. If you live in similar circumstances, too, you will have to make time for it. Once you find your way, don’t let fear, doubt and uncertainty hold you back.