How to find a common language?

Psychologists 10 tips to help you find common ground with anyone.

Not being able to find common ground with people can make your life very difficult, because everything is built on communication. From a blind date to a job interview at your dream company, you need to be able to strike up a conversation in a way that evokes positive emotions. It doesn’t matter if you’ve known the person for a year, ten years, or ten minutes.

If you consider yourself an introvert or admit that communication – it’s not what you’re good at, psychologists’ tips will help you pump your communication skills. Learn to apply them to everyday life and you’ll be able to find common ground with anyone.

1. Find information about the interlocutor on social networks or ask your mutual friends about him

Think Sherlock Holmes: If you’re about to meet someone you don’t know or only superficially know, look up his or her social networks. Once you have explored their page, you will have a list of topics that will interest your conversation partner and save you from awkward silences.

If you can’t go through their profiles, ask the person who is going to introduce you to each other about your future companion. Surely they will be able to tell you in a few words who’s coming to the meeting, what they’re interested in and where they work. From this information you will be able to find topics of interest to both of you.

2. Reveal your flaws

If you’re an insecure person who thinks he has a lot of flaws – well, unobtrusively tell them to your partner. First, it actually brings people together: a man is more willing to enter into a trusting relationship with someone who, like him, imperfect and not afraid to say so.

Secondly, you get a critical look at your shortcomings, which others may consider advantages. As a result – established contact with the person and plus one to self-esteem.

Avoid hasty judgments.

In other words, admit that first impressions are most often deceptive, and don’t form an opinion about a person after the first conversation. It is the mistake of the vast majority of people to think that the appearance, the manner of conversation and the interests described can form a complete picture of what is the person standing opposite.

4. Ask clarifying questions

It is a strikingly effective technique, the essence of which is to paraphrase what your interlocutor says. This is done primarily to show the person that you are listening attentively. It also helps to check whether you are interpreting his thoughts correctly.

5. Be aware of the latest news

If finding out about the interests of the person you’re going to meet doesn’t work, focus your efforts on your own horizons. When you know the latest in culture, sports, movies, science and other topics, it’s much easier to keep the conversation going.

The best part is that you don’t have to have any deep knowledge in all the topics suggested above. It’s enough to read a couple or three pieces of news to be able to get your conversation partner hooked and have an interesting conversation with him or her.

6. Don’t expect the other person to agree with what you’re saying

When we engage in a dialogue with someone, we somehow automatically expect them to agree with our position if we present convincing arguments. Unfortunately or fortunately, this is not the case. In life, we will often encounter fierce opponents of what we are talking about.

The main thing is not to get lost and not to embark on endless attempts to change the interlocutor’s mind. You have to be prepared beforehand for the fact that your point of view may not be shared. But it does not have to lead to a conflict. Remember: you’re not communicating to win a debate. Leave that to the politicians, and try to enjoy an engaging argument that can broaden your understanding of the subject matter.

7. Listen more, talk less about yourself.

Often, in order to fill pauses in a conversation, we start talking a lot about ourselves. This is not the right approach, because the interlocutor may perceive it as a manifestation of selfishness.

It is much more profitable to give the person more time for self-presentation. And when the contact is established, you don’t have to worry about who to talk to and when to talk to them. In a good dialogue, each person has time to speak and listen to what the other has to say.

8. Determine when it’s best to remain silent

Not all people like conversation-many people are used to spending most of their time alone and feeling fine. So try to identify when a person is in the mood to talk and when it’s best to leave them alone. Believe me, your mindfulness in this matter will help you find common ground with anyone.

9. Don’t overload your conversation partner with too much information

Some people believe that you can tell random strangers about all your problems, because you will soon break up for good. There is some common sense in this, but if you think about it – it’s a small world, and it is better to reinsure. It is very likely that the accidental traveler knows someone from your environment or fate will bring you together again. Moreover, your personal information in most cases will be a burden to him – it will be difficult for him to accept and process all the information that you kindly shared.

To prevent this from happening, take care of your pastime – take a book or headphones with you in transport to listen to music or podcasts. And if you do strike up a conversation with your neighbor, don’t crowd him with a huge amount of information. Limit yourself to casual conversation about work or the latest news.

10. Be sincere.

This is the most honest and easy way to gain the trust and interest of your interlocutor. Just be yourself and say what you think. But try to express your thoughts politely and accurately, so as not to offend and not to hurt your interlocutor. Believe me, sincerity can open any doors in front of you – use it.

How to learn to communicate with people: the rules of effective communication and practical exercises

We all need normal human communication. The alarming fact, as stated by psychologists, is that the inability to communicate and negotiate normally is the most common cause of conflict in couples. A person’s success lies in the ability to communicate. But some of these turns out easily and naturally, and someone can hardly ask a passerby to show the way. I hasten to please you: the skill of communication can be trained. I have collected for you interesting information on how to learn to communicate with people, as well as practical exercises.

All of us learn to speak from an early age. Speech is necessary in order to be understood by the people around us. But it is worth distinguishing between the concepts of “conversation” and “communication”. Communication is not just a set of phrases, but a complex process consisting of verbal and non-verbal areas.

The verbal area refers to what we say. But the nonverbal area is how we do it. Nonverbal communication includes:

  • facial expressions;
  • body language;
  • the tempo and timbre of the voice;
  • subconscious reactions.

To communicate successfully with others, you need to achieve harmony between your verbal and non-verbal components. So why isn’t everyone able to do this?

To improve your communication skills, I want to recommend completely free simulators from a project called Wikium. They are available online 24 hours a day, you can start practicing right now, often you don’t even have to register.

There are also courses on this site. They are already paid, but the prices are very low, usually from 990 to 1,490 rubles. The courses help develop a variety of skills: thinking, imagination, memory, verbal and non-verbal thinking, and so on.

Why can’t I communicate?

Most often, the basis of the inability to successfully communicate with other people are problems from the field of psychology. These may include:

  • shyness;
  • low self-esteem;
  • fear of “dropping” something stupid;
  • fear to express their opinion;
  • problems with diction (lisping, stuttering, mumbling, etc.).

The causes of these problems often come from childhood, when communication skills are just being formed. Here are some of the factors that can lead to communication problems:

  1. Entrenched complexes.
  2. Serious emotional distress.
  3. A long period of loneliness due to various circumstances, and as a result, social degradation.
  4. Severe restriction in communication with peers (parents did not let the child out of the house, did not let him communicate with other children).

These are all rather serious reasons which require thorough and long work with a psychologist. They manifest themselves in the fact that the person cannot even adequately react to being addressed. He closes up, hides, and can run away.

If a person can support a conversation, but does not consider himself or herself a good conversationalist, this skill can be honed. There are a lot of different trainings on personal development. They can certainly inspire, but without regular practice theory makes no sense. That is why I have selected for you the most interesting and effective exercises. But before we proceed to them, let’s learn the basic rules of successful communication with people.

The rules of successful communication

More than 80 years ago, the famous orator Dale Carnegie published the book “How to win friends and influence people. In it he described the basic and most effective communication techniques and rules to help reserved and shy people become great conversationalists. These rules to this day have not lost their relevance.

  1. Sincere expression of interest in other people. Often we are more pleasant to talk to those who are interested in our personality, who ask questions about our opinions and experiences. Therefore, be sure to ask questions of the interlocutor. But do not turn the conversation into an interrogation with bias. Everything must be natural and sincere, and for this you must have a genuine interest in your interlocutor.
  2. Smile. A person who smiles evokes positive feelings in us. Even if we don’t know him personally. During a conversation, your smile is a proof that the person you are talking to is pleasant and you like talking to him or her. Just try to avoid a fake smile. Smile not only with your mouth, but with your eyes, your soul and your heart.
  3. Name your own name. From birth the sound of our name is the most pleasant sound. Therefore, always address others by their first and patronymic names, if necessary. A name indicates a person’s individuality, uniqueness and uniqueness. It is the easiest compliment you can give a person. Just call him by his first name.
  4. Ability to listen. In conversation, people usually prefer to talk more than to listen. Often they just wait their turn to speak and don’t try to listen and get into what is being said to them. Especially during arguments. If you listen carefully, ask questions and use the phrases he said earlier in the conversation, you will pleasantly surprise him. Listening and hearing your interlocutor is much more important than speaking.
  5. Interesting topics of conversation. Talk on topics that are interesting to your interlocutor, and it is quite easy and simple to find out, using the rule number 1 – the manifestation of sincere interest. When a person talks about something fascinating, their eyes light up. Even if the subject doesn’t seem particularly interesting to you, try to listen. Surely you can learn for yourself something valuable and interesting.
  6. Compliments. Each of us has unique and admirable features. Try to notice them in the interlocutor and sincerely express your admiration, approval, praise. Your compliments should not be exaggerated and resemble outright flattery. Falsity is always well felt. Timely sincere compliment will be very pleasant to your conversation partner and make the conversation even easier and more relaxed.

Useful tips for those who want to communicate well

The considered 6 rules of successful communication are the base without which it is very difficult to make the interlocutor friendly. In addition to these rules, I want to give you a few more tips to help you communicate with people.

  1. Maintain eye contact with the interlocutor during the conversation. Your gaze should be open and friendly, not oppressing and not pressing the interlocutor. Practice in front of a mirror if you’re not sure you can look the other person in the eye correctly.
  2. Always try to keep your back straight and your shoulders straight. This is a strong signal that you are open to communication and not afraid to engage in dialogue. A confident gait and gestures will complete your image as a successful person.
  3. If you can not get rid of shyness and excessive restraint in dealing with strangers, try to imagine that this is your old friend, with whom you just haven’t seen for a long time. As a result of such a pleasant experience your look will be softer, gestures and posture more open and friendly. In combination, this will help to dispose of the interlocutor and erase unnecessary psychological barriers that complicate communication.
  4. Develop attentiveness and sensitivity to the interlocutor. Learn to read the emotions and reactions of your dialogue partner. This will help steer the conversation in the right direction. Also, remember as much information about the interlocutor as possible. Subsequently, you will be able to show your interest in him. This will flatter anyone.
  5. Expand your horizons. Read different books so that you have something to talk and talk about. Take an interest in what’s going on around you. Then you will become an interesting interlocutor, able to maintain a conversation on any topic. A broad outlook is an indispensable attribute of a person.

To remain a pleasant companion, with whom people like to communicate, you should never:

  • Complain about fate and discuss your problems;
  • Use foul language, speak badly of mutual friends and disseminate gossip;
  • harshly criticize the interlocutor, saying that he/she is wrong and stupid for thinking so;
  • choose to talk about topics that are interesting only to you.

So, we got acquainted with the basic rules and tips. Now it’s time to move on to practice. After all, the theory without practice will not benefit.

Exercises for the development of communication skills

Communication skills must be constantly practiced. Only then will you learn how to easily and freely communicate even with strangers.

If your shyness and timidity does not allow even to approach a stranger, it is worth seeking advice from a psychologist. And for practicing communication skills will help the following exercises.

Conversation with the furniture

Every day, tell your table, chair or potted plant about how your day was, what interesting happened. Try to restrain the fit of laughter and take this practice seriously.

Such an exercise will help you to express your thoughts coherently, logically and intelligently, not to confuse them, and to adjust your facial expressions and gestures. If you do not manage to build a conversation with furniture, then an even more successful listener for this exercise will be a pet. The dog or the cat will always eagerly listen to the stories of their owner.

Monologue in front of a mirror

Approach the mirror and begin to say out loud the thoughts that come to your mind. Gradually try to connect them logically, developing them consistently so that you get an interesting story.

This exercise will help you understand how you look from the outside during a conversation, learn to make coherent sentences and connect with yourself. Ten minutes, two to three times a week, is sufficient.


You probably have a favorite blog or website that you read daily – for example, the In Your Home blog. This will come in handy for this exercise. After reading the next article, try to retell it as closely as possible in meaning and logic of construction. If the article is very long, then retell it gradually, 3-4 paragraphs at a time.

This exercise teaches you to think and speak at the same time. It will make your speech more coherent and meaningful. To achieve a good result, you should do this exercise every day.

Developing someone else’s thought

The exercise begins with turning on the TV or any video on the network. For 30 seconds you listen to the speaker, then turn off the sound and continue his thought for the next 30 seconds.

Such training develops flexibility of mind, teaches to find non-standard solutions. Exercise for 10 minutes a day and you will be pleasantly surprised with the results.

5 strangers

The best training for practicing communication skills is communication itself. Train yourself to have a casual conversation with five strangers every day. No less! These may be random passers-by who you can ask for the time or clarify the route, the consultant in the store, to whom you ask for advice on choosing goods … In general, the problems with the search of strangers should not arise. After all, they surround us literally everywhere. All you have to do is get out of the house.

I recommend you to watch an interesting video for practicing the technique of speech:

Useful materials on the topic of the article

In this block I will recommend several courses that will help you to communicate with people much easier and build contacts with them.

Effective communication for men and women

Description. This is probably the most extensive course of all the others on the Wikium platform. It is a one-month course that includes 15 practical exercises of different types and 33 video lectures. Immediately notice, it is better to take notes on the lectures, not just listen to them.

A bonus to the program is several live webinars by experts in interpersonal communication: psychologists, business coaches, successful managers at various levels.

Knowledge learned from this program, you can apply absolutely everywhere: when dealing with colleagues, bosses or subordinates, in conversations with their children or with the other half. The author of the material ensures that you learn how to professionally solve problems that arise because of the people around you, you will easily neutralize conflicts.

Author: Oleg Kalinichev.

Cost: 1 490 rubles.

Emotional Intelligence

Description. Emotional Intelligence course is the second most important after the course on communication. The focus here is on the ability to recognize the emotions of the other party, to feel their real attitude towards you. In addition, to control their own non-verbal behavior, follow their gestures.

You learn to easily understand when people around you speak insincerely or try to deliberately deceive you. You will be able to easily resolve conflicts or prevent their appearance at the first signs of mutual tension. You will be much easier to interact with people, to climb the career ladder, to achieve success in any field.

Author: Oleg Kalinichev.

Cost: 1 490 rubles.

Profiling .

Description. Every person who wants to learn how to communicate with others needs profiling. Here you learn how to “read people”. You will be able to determine from the first phrases the type of temperament of your interlocutor and choose a model of communication with him. For the choleric model will be one, for the melancholic – the other that works well for the sanguine, may not be perceived as phlegmatic, and so on.

If someone tries to manipulate you, you will immediately notice it and be able to “repulse the attack. A method of manipulation can be even the most common (as it seems) request for something or a sad story, which the listener will make you feel sorry for him.

Within 20 lessons you will learn the theory, and then move on to practice – work out a lot of exercises, consolidate your knowledge through tests.

Author: Oleg Kalinichev.

Cost: 1 490 rubles.

Do you know any other good courses? Tell me about them in comments, I will expand my material.


We have to communicate with people quite often, no matter where we are: at school, in college, at work, on the street, in the store, etc. On how well and beautifully we know how to talk to people, depends neither more nor less than our future. After all, for example, find your mate, absolutely not knowing how to communicate, it is very, very difficult.

I want you to learn how to communicate with people freely, easily and naturally. Learn the rules of effective communication and put them into practice, remembering to practice your skills with exercises such as retelling, monologue with a mirror or 5 strangers. Pretty soon you’ll feel like you’re communicating with people much better than before.

Share this article with your friends on social media. Perhaps someone very shy on the other side of the screen really needs this information!

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