5 steps to leave a married lover
Even if you abstract away from the moral side of the issue, a relationship with a married man has a lot of downsides. Holidays alone, constant lies, lack of meaningful intimacy. Worst of all, the woman almost always feels lonely and unworthy of being “in charge.” How to break the connection, which in most cases has no future?
Hardly anyone dreams of being a mistress. Most wish for a family, children, mutual friends. But sometimes it does happen: having started with an innocent flirtation with a married man, we can fall in love with him unnoticed.
Such novels rarely end in favor of the mistress. Most likely, you will end up with nothing but pain, regrets and a broken heart. The bad news is also that breaking the connection with a married man is much more difficult than breaking up with an official partner.
Why? If only because of finances. Breaking up with an official partner usually involves the division of property, even if you weren’t married: you bought things together for an apartment, and when you break up, everyone gets something. Leaving a married lover is likely to leave empty-handed.
In addition, married men often spend money on mistresses, whether it’s gifts or the “full package”: paying for the apartment, travel, and everyday expenses. Give up this lifestyle is difficult, especially if you get used to it, but you can not provide it for themselves yet.
Typically, the relationship is over for a reason: for example, you had a fight and realized that you want different things from life
In a relationship with a married man you almost no chance to see his flaws. You do not meet so often and try to show your best side, you do not have time to bore each other or spoil the mood by talking about the payments on the loan or not unloaded in time dishwasher. Your communication – a solid endorphin-adrenaline holiday, the eternal honeymoon. It is very difficult to give it up.
In addition you initially have to put up with the fact that the lover has sex with his wife. In a normal situation, it would be perceived as treason, and it is very likely that you would not tolerate it. And here the worst has happened and is happening, he is unlikely to do something so out of the ordinary that you decide to leave.
But the good news is that you can end this relationship by using special tactics. On how to make it easier, psychotherapist Marni Fuhrman tells us.
1.Shift the focus.
An effective way is to fall in love with a free man. Most mistresses are faithful to married partners. Think about it: he is not faithful to you. Even if he claims that he and his wife sleep in separate rooms, sex was not a few years, and the last three children – the result of immaculate conception, artificial insemination or a conspiracy znakharanka.
Do not reduce your life to one man, open up to new opportunities. There are plenty of interesting and free men around. If someone interests you, breaking up with your lover will be a matter of one call.
2. Raise your demands
Have you never asked for money and settled for gifts? Ask for money or more gifts. Most likely, this will quickly begin to irritate the man, and the relationship will crack because he will show you not only the best sides, but also those that he has been hiding.
3. Spend more time together.
Be offended and complain if he can not meet with you. First, it will annoy him, because before you were satisfied with everything. Secondly, you will have a chance to see his true face, which his wife is watching every day. It is very likely that you will not like it.
Do not dismiss the unpleasantness of his character – he is not tired, it’s not stress and you are not “drove him. He is that kind of person, and maybe he’s not right for you. If these discoveries lead to a fight, it’s only good for you. It will be easier to walk away and start a new life.
4. Remove the mask of a good and understanding woman.
Stop portraying the perfect life partner who is happy with everything. Show your character. Of course, there is a chance that he will like you even more. But the likelihood that you will remind him of the wife that he ran away from you, is much higher. He will begin to get annoyed, and you can finally think, are you really interested in him as a person, or everything keeps on the other: the sex, the absence of complaints and opportunities to complain about the eternally disgruntled spouse.
5.Love yourself more than him
Why are you settling for crumbs of this man’s attention? Do you consider yourself unworthy of a respectful relationship? Remind yourself that you deserve love and attention just as much as he does. If he’s not giving it to you for whatever reason, it’s time to make room in your life for someone else – someone who will fill it with happiness every day.
How to get out of a relationship with a married man? 8 tips from a psychologist
You never thought that you would fall into these networks, you never wanted to play a secondary role in the life of a man. And, in general, considered immoral to interfere in someone else’s family. How on earth did you get involved with a married man?! And how do you get out of that captivity?
Of course, if you are happy with everything, this relationship is convenient to you and you do not intend to steal someone else’s husband out of the family – then another thing. But aren’t you fooling yourself? Do not reassure yourself that you own the ball and at any time you can stop it all? Read the recommendations Julia Lanske, an expert on building relationships – and maybe the veil that blinds you and prevents you from being truly happy, will fall, and you reconsider your views.
How did you get to this point?
There may be several reasons.
- “All the normal men are already taken.” Desperate to wait for free “princes”, women often start looking for them in other families. And, having decided that “this is it”, go on the attack, overstepping their principles. They do not realize that the “illegal sharing” man with his lawful wife only at first brings happiness and satisfaction. Sooner or later everyone gets tired of such a relationship. And one day the “prince” can suddenly get on a horse and wave goodbye, and you do not even have the right to charge him anything.
Many mistresses “with experience” get used to this imaginary freedom: a woman is free to dispose of itself, but she has a man with whom she periodically spends time. The plus is that she does not have to take care of him: feeding, treating, ironing shirts – this is done by the other. It’s a beautiful relationship without the domesticity! And the mistress, without noticing it, over the years she gets used to pseudo-dependence and loneliness. And then happiness in her personal life is not likely.
Take off the rose-colored glasses
A man does not have a mistress in order to marry again. He is looking for emotion, novelty, variety in sex, self-affirmation in the eyes of others like him.
✔︎ A man does not trust his mistress. She is the one who will betray him as soon as a better “option” appears on her horizon. Or, when he decides to end the affair, she will intrigue him: throwing tantrums, threatening to tell his wife about everything.
✔︎ Look at the situation soberly: from such a relationship there are always more minuses than pluses. Your illusions will remain illusions, and you need to be very clear about that. He’s with you because he’s comfortable with you, not because he plans to spend his life with you, raise his kids, and grow old with you. 49 out of 50 men stay in the family, and only 1 is willing to leave his wife for a mistress. For you, it’s like going all-in, betting it all on “zero” at roulette. What do you think your chances are of winning the lottery?
✔︎ Imagine being his wife. Don’t jump for joy. Are you sure you’ll always be perfect for him when your role changes? At first, maybe, but then? Also, think about whether you really suited for life a man who fools around two women at once? He has already betrayed one wife. Won’t he betray the second one?
Don’t protect yourself against having an affair with a “wifey”: love is a tricky thing. But if you often have a relationship where you act as a lover – then you are presenting yourself in a certain manner: perhaps creating the impression of too easy prey, behave too frivolously. You may be good in bed, always fresh and wearing makeup (which is sometimes lacking in a wife), but you may not meet other expectations of a male companion (reliability, caring). In the end, the proven wife wins this round – in a bathrobe and curlers, with pies on Sundays and taking care of the kids and husband. To stop radiating the “wrong” energy, look closely at your behavior, style of dress and manner of communication with men. Maybe it’s time to make a change.