How to decide to divorce?

When it’s time to file for divorce: being first is always difficult

Rarely does the choice to leave a family come easily. On different scales are not only all the conflicts, problems and mismatches with your partner, but also the brightest part of life: memories, habits, children. If the burden of the final decision has fallen on your shoulders, here are seven questions to ask yourself before you act.

If you are reading this article, I can assume you are already thinking about filing for divorce and leaving. But being first is always difficult.

For many, the decision to divorce is a long road that they walk alone. There will be bumps and unexpected twists and turns along the way. You may have already talked to your friends or a counselor about wanting to take that difficult step first, and have listened to a lot of advice for and against that decision.

Or you keep everything to yourself, and then there is a constant struggle inside of you and all those thoughts and doubts about the right decision attack you every day as you try to steer your ship through rough waters. But whatever you decide, it will only be your decision. No one has lived in your skin and knows more details about your marriage than you do.

Can this process be made easier? As a therapist, I want to tell you – it’s hardly possible, especially if you already have children.

The decision to leave your family can bring heartache, turmoil and chaos and ruin relationships – with some of your friends or relatives and even with your own children.

But sometimes, after a few years, everyone realizes that it was the right decision for everyone. Before you make your final decision, read and take note of seven cautionary tips.

1. Have you been depressed before?

Divorce is a very important decision, and you certainly must have good reasons. But not all of them may be related to your partner. With depression sometimes comes a feeling of “numbness.” At such times, you may stop feeling anything toward your partner.

This means that the depression has “stolen” your ability to love. In such a state, the decision to leave the marriage may mistakenly seem obvious.

My first caveat: Depression has one unpleasant quality-it robs us of our ability to think rationally and at the same time “gives” us the ability to see and feel things that may have nothing to do with reality. Before you leave your family, discuss your thoughts about what is going on with a competent psychologist.

Here’s a good tip: If you had a good marriage, but suddenly everything seems wrong and you are not happy – it can be a sign of depression.

Another tip – before you file for divorce, ask yourself: “Have I done everything I can to keep the relationship alive?” Because marriage is like a plant. All you have to do is forget about it a few times and leave it without water, and it will die.

What do I mean by that? There may have been things you didn’t do or didn’t think about in this relationship. Make sure you know enough about what strengthens and sustains a family and what can destroy it so you don’t repeat those mistakes with other partners.

If you are sure that you have done everything possible, but there is no way to save the marriage – now you can say with a clear conscience: “At least I tried.

2. be as kind and tactful as possible

If you want to leave first and your partner and children don’t know anything about it yet, I strongly suggest that you pay attention to how you talk about it.

You may have been thinking about your decision for months or even years. But your partner and your children may not realize that such a change is coming in their normal lives. The announcement of the divorce may come out of the blue and crash down on them like a comet hitting the earth.

Show empathy and kindness. This will make your contact with both your ex-partner and your children easier in the future.

How can you be kind in a situation like this? Well, for example, don’t leave the house one day with your bags packed and then send a message that you’re gone for good. A relationship deserves more than a routine “goodbye”-no matter how long you’ve been together.

Treating people with respect is a sign that you are an adult. No matter how hard it is for you to do, having a face-to-face conversation with someone you’re leaving is the only right way to end a relationship. Explain what’s going on, what your plans for the future are, and what led you to this decision, but never point the finger at your partner or play the “judge and the accused” game.

After you’ve said everything, it’s very likely that your partner will be at a loss and even in a state of shock. He may behave irrationally, but do not argue with him and do not recall his real or imaginary transgressions. Try to behave calmly and with restraint.

I advise you to think over and write down in advance what words you will use to announce your decision to leave, and to stick to them. Later the time will come for a more detailed conversation about how to arrange everything and how to organize.

How to Decide to Divorce Your Husband

Deciding to divorce your husband is never easy – perhaps even more difficult than deciding to get married. To the last we are tormented by doubts and uncertainty about the correctness of the chosen decision. How to understand whether divorce is the only option for your family? Is it easy from a legal point of view? You will find answers to these and other questions in this article.

How to understand that it’s time to divorce your husband: the main signs

Signs that let you know the inevitability of divorce :

  • When you return home from work or an outing, you experience frustration. It intensifies when you discover that your spouse is also home. You are better off alone, without him. It is time to decide to divorce your husband if you are happy with his absence from the same territory as you, for example, when he is on a business trip, or any other absences. The way out is obvious if you are relieved when he is absent.
  • There are no common topics of conversation. It’s not about the giddy feeling that arises in lovers when it’s nice to even just be quiet. The silence of the estranged spouse bears a different character, and you understand that. You try to hide behind household chores, you wander the web, you take work home – all these things take priority over communicating with your spouse.
  • It is time to decide to divorce your husband if you do not know what is going on in his life, and have no great interest in it. Your spouse used to share with you all the details of work, now you know about them in passing. He doesn’t start the conversation, and you’re fine with that.
  • Sex is a rare guest in your marriage. In the first months of marriage, almost every conflict ended with a kiss and intimacy. Now such a development is impossible – resentment and misunderstanding are stronger than desire. Now the bed remains primarily a place to sleep. Or you began to sleep separately (in itself this item is not terrible, if there are no other “symptoms” that it is time to decide to divorce her husband).
  • One of the parties is having an affair on the side. In the case of such a phenomenon, it is necessary to immediately decide to divorce your husband. Do not justify the continued existence of the marriage with children, long years of life together, habitual life. The relationship has become artificial, fragile, humiliating. Couples who procrastinate with divorce when cheating usually inevitably break up, regretting the lost time.
  • Rudeness. When there is physical abuse, you should leave immediately, without a second thought. Psychological, financial abuse is also difficult to endure. Husband insults your appearance, intellectual capabilities? It is impossible to be happy in this case. Financial abuse can include the demand for a detailed report, if you bought bread for 2 rubles more expensive than usual, and other absurd situations related to finances, and causing you anxiety.
  • No time for jokes. Even the most serious relationship will quickly become boring in the absence of a healthy sense of humor. You are annoyed by your husband’s jokes, he ignores yours, or you have stopped joking altogether – the marriage is in danger.

7 easy ways to decide to divorce your husband

So, what steps to take to make it easier to decide to divorce your husband :

  • Analyze your fears – what specifically prevents you from moving on to the important but desired step. A possible fear: a fear of being alone. That is, it is easier for you to feel emotional abuse, indifference, resentment, but not loneliness. It’s hard for you to believe, but once you decide to get a divorce, you will feel better about yourself than you do now. Men always reach for women who are internally happy. Finding harmony inside, you will find a suitable life partner.
  • Improve your financial situation. Are you afraid that you will be left without a livelihood? Take care of it in advance. Get a job, if possible, or start saving money from the “family” money. You need to be sure of tomorrow, and think about it now. After all, your husband can leave you on his own, what will you do then? Find a way to financially support yourself. Look at job openings, take classes, look for options through acquaintances. This is an important issue that often stops you from getting a divorce.
  • Do a psychological exercise called “Life in Five Years.” It’s an interesting practice for imagination. Imagine yourself five years from now. What your life will be like if you stay with your husband. What will your marriage lead to? Would the relationship improve or would it get worse? How old will you be? Do you want to spend the next five years like this? Think about that right now. Now imagine life in five years if you decide to get a divorce. How life might turn out, what desires you will be able to realize. Imagine life without your current husband in detail, in color.
  • Exercise “Life is short” can also help you decide to divorce your husband. Many people are used to putting off important decisions, living under the illusion that life is eternal. This self-deception begins to fade with old age. At this point, however, many dreams have to be forgotten. Knowing exactly how long our lives would last, we would live differently, to the max. By thinking not the first day about divorce, you are taking days away from your life, not knowing how long you have been allotted as a whole. You are deliberately preventing change in your life, preventing something good from entering it. Think about the six months you have left to live. How would you spend them, what are the first things you want to do?
  • Caring for the children. Important for those whose children have not yet grown up. Among the main functions of the family is to show the child the model of the relationship between a man and a woman. Seeing the basis of the relationship as a child, he gradually forms in his mind the image of his future family. Are you unhappy in your marriage? You can’t hide it from your child’s eyes. The same goes for co-dependent relationships, quarreling families. While you are suffering, fighting, resenting, the child absorbs the unworthy life you have decided to choose.
  • You can provoke your husband himself to leave you. Also the way helps to finally become disillusioned with the marriage, and decide to break up with greater ease. Simply stop meeting his needs. Often marriages continue to exist simply because one spouse is meeting needs that are meaningful to the other. A man rarely leaves where he feels good – stop creating the conditions that are important to him and he will probably leave. Think about what’s important to him – stop satisfying a significant need. Example: varied meals, grooming, regular sex.
  • Make a conscious decision. Before you leave, you have to really decide to do this. Firmly tell yourself: “I’m leaving. Divorce is inevitable. It’s time to break up.” Mental attitude is necessary. Think about this decision more often. Look for opportunities to divorce, live with this thought, imagine life after a divorce.

To divorce or not: the advice of a psychologist

Situations, according to the psychologist, suggesting divorce:

Love is gone

Are you sure that there is no love in the relationship anymore? Sexual relations with her husband you drag, and you say a confession of love, making a great effort over himself? In rare cases, the situation can be normalized – this requires great effort on both sides. No desire to even make an effort? The union is doomed.

Husband is an alcoholic or a drug addict.

The prospects of the marriage depend on the stage of drunkenness and drug addiction, and the sincere desire of the husband to fight the problem. If all is well in the family, and the problems began after the appearance of addiction, and the husband is aware of this – give him a chance. If the situation is getting worse, and her husband ignores the problem, making life together more and more unbearable – decide to divorce him.

There is another.

In such cases, the husband often leaves himself. However, more often the man is satisfied with “playing on two fronts”. In this situation, he does not love either woman – he likes the feeling of adrenaline or the benefits that these connections give him. The decision to break up is the right one. Your relationship may eventually be able to resume, but fighting for a man while married to him is stupid and humiliating.

Slacker Husband

If your husband doesn’t want to work, then you have to work for two. Gradually the situation will become more and more unbearable for you. Even if you earn enough, over time, respect for your husband will be lost – whether you want it or not. Marriage in such a situation is a heavy burden.

A tyrant husband

This is an indisputable reason for divorce. A tyrant husband means only one thing: you are constantly humiliated, mentally or physically abused. Nothing justifies such a marriage. For many women, it ended tragically, although they did not count on it.

The test: whether you should divorce your spouse

This simple test will allow you to determine if a divorce is worth it. Answer the questions and count the points.

1. Do you think your husband takes enough care of you?

Yes – 0 point; No – 1 point;

2 Do you ever find yourself spending time with your husband and being in a gloomy mood for a long time?

Yes – 1 point; No – 0 point;

3. Do you treat your husband’s hobbies with irritation?

Yes – 1 point; No – 0 points;

Do you want your husband to talk to you more, to tell you about the past day?

Yes – 0 points; No – 1 point;

5. Do you think that almost all your friends and acquaintances have better husbands than yours?

Yes – 1 point; No – 0 point;

6. Do you rejoice in your husband’s successes?

Yes – 0 point, No – 1 point;

7. Do you want to look attractive in your husband’s eyes, for example, at home?

No – 1 point; Yes – 0 point;

8. Do you think your husband’s job is more important than yours?

Yes – 0 points; No – 1 point;

9. In your opinion, does your husband pay enough attention to your children? If there are no children, do you think he will be a good father?

No – 1 point; Yes – 0 point;

10. Do you think your life with your husband is better than it was before him?

Yes – 0 points; No – 1 point;

11. Do you feel annoyed with your husband on a daily basis?

Yes -1 point; No – 0 point;


0-3 points:

There are not as many problems in your marriage as you think. The results indicate that you can still fight for the relationship. Try to think about how you can bring respect, love, and other aspects of a happy union back into the marriage. Give your husband a chance.

4-7 points:

There are many problems in the marriage, but if they have been unresolved for a long time and you don’t see the husband’s ability and commitment to eliminate them, it could lead to divorce.

8-11 points:

It makes no sense for you to continue your life together. You need to separate, at least for a while, to look at the marriage from a new angle. If the problems are of a protracted nature, it is unlikely that they will be resolved. Do not waste time, it’s time to move on separately from each other.

Divorce from her husband: where to start.

The first step: an internal decision, a firm willingness to part. Making a decision, discard doubts. Tell your spouse about the intention of divorce. Throw spontaneity. Thoroughly think through the upcoming conversation. Afraid to go astray – write down the speech on a sheet, reread it periodically. You can make an audio recording and listen to it. Having decided to start a conversation, tune in to the business spirit. Imagine that we are going to talk with a business partner.

Plan the conversation:

  • Introduction. Example: “Let’s talk about moving on with our lives.”
  • Descriptions of the problems. Outline the reason that causes you to initiate a divorce.
  • Bottom line: If the husband is able to solve the problems voiced, there is a chance to save the marriage. If it’s not up to him, then talk through the details of the divorce. Speak clearly, use valid arguments.

Remember what you want, ignore manipulation.

The legal side of the issue

Divorce is inevitable? Prepare for the fact that the procedure of divorce can drag on. Divorce will be easy if good relations are preserved, there is nothing to divide.

If there are children, only the court will divorce. Is the property divided without help from others? The court should determine the order of communication with the child, the issue of alimony.

Have you reached an outcome contrary to the family code? To avoid later misunderstandings, the court will record the agreement.

Divorces are conventionally divided into groups :

  • The couple has no claims on the acquired property, there are no children.
  • There are children, but there are no mutual claims.
  • The couple cannot come to a mutual agreement.

How to explain the situation to the child

Inform about the divorce when you are clearly sure that it is inevitable – after filing a petition. Don’t go into detail – give as much information as is enough to understand the situation. If the child is an adult – more explanations will be needed.

Toddlers under three years of age are the first to assess intonation and emotion. Meaningful content is still in the background. Parents, having stabilized the internal state, explain the situation to the child. Anxiety is inadmissible – it will pass on to the child.

Older children need an explanation. Children 3-6 years old often take parental separation personally. Explain to the child that the relationship between mom and dad has changed – their love for him or her is just as strong, and he or she did not influence the divorce, the decision was dictated by other factors.

It is important to involve both parents in the conversation. Agree on a common position. Marital relationship is over, but the presence of common children oblige to build the necessary foundation of mutual respect, friendship. This is important for the children. Example: “Daddy needs to go away, but you will spend every weekend together,” “Daddy will go away, but he will call every day.”

Focus on information that reassures the child. Explain that meetings with Daddy will be regular, as will communication over the phone, the Web. Be truthful, talk about conditions you are willing to meet.

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