How to deal with people who hate you?

4 facts you should know when dealing with haters

Don’t take their every word too literally and seriously. In fact, they are torn by their own complexes, pain and suffering. If you think about it, all the dirt they pour out is about them, not you.


I once wrote an article that went viral on a local website. It was about me and my girlfriend. This text was shared, it was discussed on various forums.

Of course, not everyone liked it. There were those who literally hated me. And for what I do not know. I ignore unfounded criticism, so I did not pay attention to them. But about these haters told me about a friend.

But I will say that I’m even glad it happened that way. It helped me to understand how to communicate with people like that. By the way, it also surprised me how closely the topic of “haters” is connected with psychology and peculiarities of human nature.

It turned out to be not so simple, and goes far beyond mere ignorance and the fact that “there will always be those who will hate you.”

1. It’s not about being hated or loved. It’s about being judged or ignored.

The American entrepreneur and economist Seth Godin said it simply beautifully:

“You will be judged. Or you will be ignored. As a rule, there are only those two options.”

The first, of course, hurts you and makes you feel bad. You feel uncomfortable, hurt, and, at times, even scared.

You can argue with them, justify, get angry, swear … But why?

It is better to do much wiser: to remember that your task, first and foremost, is to stand your ground and move forward. You can’t achieve anything in this world by staying in sterile and comfortable conditions. If you want to be somebody and do something, prepare for the fact that not everyone will like it. But what do you care about them?

You must learn to ignore such people. Don’t take their every word too literally and seriously. In fact, they are bursting with their own complexes, pain, and suffering. If you think about it, all the dirt they spew is about them, not you.

Believe me, it’s much better to be hated than to be ignored. Because it will mean that you are something, not an empty space to others.

2. Don’t associate yourself with what you do.

This is something that the American writer and speaker Tucker Max said so beautifully. When asked why people tend to get hung up on bad reviews of their books, even though they’ve written plenty of good ones and can be proud of it, he replied:

“If this is happening to you, try asking yourself: “Why is it that the positive doesn’t matter and the negative is so important and bothersome?” The answer lies on the surface: you directly associate yourself with the book, so you perceive attacks on it as an attack on yourself. The question arises, “What am I missing in my life that I must necessarily affirm my importance with this book (picture, piece of music, etc.)?”

Indeed, we too often tend to take things so seriously that we subconsciously see ourselves and what we do as one. No wonder that when haters emit bile and hurtful comments, we decide that we have been personally attacked.

I don’t claim to be any particular expert on this, but psychologically it all boils down to the fact that we need to become self-sufficient in other areas of our lives, to do something.

It’s not about being distracted at all. It’s about focusing your energy on the really important and interesting things. You will be so engrossed in everything that it will drown out the negativity.

For example, imagine you won first place in a sporting event. And the next day – you’re at work, where the boss is always and everyone is unhappy. But now you can say to yourself, “The boss is nagging and grumbling? Whatever. I just got first place. Nothing and no one can take that away from me.”

3 Hate and anger are an expression of fear and insecurity.

James Altacher, an American entrepreneur and best-selling author, said it beautifully.

Any energy of hatred or anger is first and foremost fear. People attack others when they themselves are confused and afraid of something. In fact, they are screaming for help. Another thing is that in this somewhat strange way. Well… as they know how.

When someone calls you ugly, it means they themselves aren’t sure they’re attractive and are worried that it’s noticeable. When someone says you’re only wasting your time, he probably sees that you’ve gotten ahead of yourself and are growing too fast. He is simply jealous of you.

When someone hates you, believe me, he’s the worst off. He’s always angry, always in a bad mood. As they say, every day is a bad day.

So don’t take it personally right away. This is not about you. It’s about the lives of those who hate. About their dissatisfaction with themselves, their fears, insecurities and complexes.

4. Out of sight, out of mind.

So that the haters do not even see me, I simply removed myself from social networking. I deliberately took this step. Meanwhile, passions were flaring, I was being scolded, judged, ridiculed.

What about me? I was busy living my own life. I was doing what I loved and what really mattered. So not a single drop of the haters’ bile reached its destination.

You can tell me that nothing has changed: “The hate hasn’t gone anywhere. Just because you’re not there doesn’t mean that your haters and their feelings have disappeared.”

I agree, that’s true. But only in part.

The point is that I set aside time and space for myself. To do what I want to do. Consequently, it contributed to developing the self-confidence I so desperately needed. And it worked: I no longer associated myself with my work, and therefore stopped perceiving insults and unfair criticism as attacks on myself.

It’s not about whether people hate you or not. Hate has always been, is and always will be. It will never go away for the simple reason that it is human nature. That’s why people are so prone to judge or criticize someone. This is especially noticeable these days, when you can “sparkle with your wit and wit” on social networks. Often from an anonymous profile, as the most cowardly and dishonest people do.

But I only let into my life what really matters!

Everything else simply does not exist!

After all, I know that when a man is blinded by hatred, he is driven solely by fear. Why indulge him? Ignore him-let him deal with his own problems.

Focus on your own life. What you dream about, where you’re going, what you want. If you look back at the people you hate, you’ll never achieve anything.

People hate me: the causes and getting rid of the problem

Many people are often faced with self-loathing. And it looks unfounded and stupid at first glance. In such situations, some are lost and do not know how to deal with such an attack in their side. How to react to this manifestation? How not to make a mistake in choosing a response? These questions are difficult to answer at once. Therefore let’s try to analyze the situation in more detail.

The reasons for the hatred of others

Let’s begin with the fact that hatred (and hostility) is a feeling that has a negative meaning. It is destructive and very intense. Hostility comes in many forms and can have to do with:

  • to a group of people;
  • to a specific person;
  • to various objects or phenomena.

This feeling can be caused either by the object(s) themselves or by its manifestations or its qualities. For example, people may hate the weather, which affects their general condition. It is also possible to hate some event (phenomenon) that has had a negative impact on your life. Also a single person can hate any other person if a certain reason arises.

Take note: hatred can arise in a person even against himself. In this case, he quickly forms a very strong depression. Intolerance is often engendered in some individuals because of external pretexts for conflict.

Therefore, even very insignificant motives can cause an irrational feeling. And all this happens because the person is initially predisposed to hostility. So, we should not be surprised if someone has a sudden hatred.

Finding and understanding the sources of hatred will help you to look in detail at the causes of hatred.

  • First of all, hostility can cause such bad feelings as envy. If it arises, a person willfully or unwillingly tries to hurt his opponent. For example, a not very successful subject feels enmity toward his more successful friend because of his luck in business. Therefore, he tries to harm him in every possible way: he spreads unflattering rumors about him, gets angry, etc. As a result, he spoils the life of the person he hates with his acrimonious activities.
  • Competitors often have hostile feelings toward one another. For example, the heads of two businesses that make the same products are likely to have unkind feelings toward each other. They are potentially vying for their areas of interest and market. Hence the conflict.
  • Life is structured in such a way that there are both friends and enemies. And so, people have always felt and will always feel hatred toward their enemies. This conflict usually involves very large groups of people, where participants in negative events are divided into “our own” and “outsiders”.
  • We all think of ourselves as kind and compassionate people. Yet we are not always able to reach compromise with other individuals when our personal interests are affected. It turns out that hatred arises when we cross the line that separates our compassion from our personal interests.
  • Hate also arises when we stop seeing good qualities in our opponent. It happens as a result of conflict.
  • Our prejudices can also cause us to hate something or someone. For example, some people hate black cats which cross their path.
  • When facts are distorted, that’s when hatred arises, too. For example, a friend told you that a certain person did a bad thing. After receiving this information, you have a hostile feeling toward the subject whom you have never even seen.
  • When a person really wants to like another person, but it does not succeed, in this case, hostility may arise. And it can occur on both sides. One side will begin to feel hatred because the goal was never achieved, and the other side will be disappointed because of too intrusive action of the other side.

What to do?

Before we begin to consider this question, it should be noted that one person’s hatred of another may not be entirely adequate. And if you are hated, it is possible that you are not at all guilty of it. Most likely this feeling is caused by the insanity of the person who hates you. It is necessary to fight with this manifestation. First you should just try to fix the relationship. Take such a step not for the peace of the person who hates you, but for your own peace of mind. If you succeed, it will be easier for you to live in the first place.

For example, if your neighbor treats you hostile, try to talk to her and find out the reason for this attitude. If her claims are valid, and you are guilty of something, then correct the situation. After that, begin to communicate with your neighbor and talk on various topics. In addition, ask her next time to express their claims directly and not to harbor anger. That way everyone will be satisfied. Another thing is if you are hated by your own friend, and you don’t even realize it. Sooner or later this conflict can become irreversible. So try to pay attention to the little things that make you suspicious. For example, your close friend is constantly making fun of you in front of strangers. Such actions she is trying to assert themselves at your expense. It is possible that a close friend is just jealous of you. She can not accept the fact that you are much better than her cooking, look young and you love men.

There are other cases that involve justified or unjustified hatred. Each of these requires a separate consideration. Often a hostile attitude towards someone is observed where certain groups of people gather: at school, at work, etc. In this case, hatred can have a latent and protracted character. To avoid disastrous negative consequences for yourself personally, try to find a compromise with each hostile subject. If you make a destructive decision, you will take the wrong path, and then all parties to the conflict will remain resentful of each other. To choose the right path, you should read the following information.

In educational institutions.

In this case, hostility of some individuals toward others is not as rare as it may seem at first glance. Often the cause of hostility is an unequal relationship. Someone involved in the conflict considers himself much higher than other people. When disagreements between students occur, the cause may be some kind of rivalry, resentment, fear for the loss of authority or unrequited love, etc. Therefore, later classmates may feel hatred for each other.

All of the above conflicts need to be resolved in a constructive way. And for this purpose, it is necessary that teachers or tutors necessarily noticed the growing aggression and were able to find a way out of the situation. The best option is to intervene cautiously in the conflict situation, without pressuring the participants. When the conflict is resolved in the right way, you should continue the dialogue. If the child (or young person) shows aggression very often, try to channel his or her bad energy. For example, recommend taking up sports or joining a hobby club.

When there is a conflict between the teacher and the parents of the student, then the situation is more complicated. Disagreements arise for a variety of reasons, such as this:

  • People look at parenting differently;
  • there is a personal dislike;
  • The teacher underestimates the grades.

In order to properly eliminate the problem you need to calm down and decide on your next steps: think about how to properly convey your grievances to your opponent.

Such actions should be taken by both the teacher and the parents of the student. If one side thinks it is right and can give reasons for its rightness, it should not give up its position, despite the arguments of the opponent. For example, the teacher in the class treats one part of the students very well. He forgives them the lessons they don’t learn and gives them high marks. To other children the same teacher is very strict and simply lowers their grades due to personal animosity. When such a problem is detected, it is necessary to take action and ask the principal for help.

Quarrels between teachers and students happen very often. The reasons may be:

  • Underestimation of the student by the teacher;
  • too high demands of the teacher or the student in the learning process;
  • personal shortcomings of both the student and the teacher.

If a conflict has arisen and animosity has developed, the teacher simply must be the first to take action. In a quarrel between a teacher and a student it is not always the teacher’s fault. However, sooner or later the parents of the child will enter into the conflict. In this case, it is necessary to show patience on both sides to identify the true causes that led to the negative situation.

At work

Conflicts at work occur in almost every team. And this is no secret. People in this case conflict and hate each other for a variety of reasons. If a conflict situation happened to you, you do not need to take it to heart. To find the right solution, act with cold calculation. First you need to determine the tactics. Think about how you will behave with a colleague after the occurrence of hostility. First try to make up. If this condition does not work, then simply try to limit the points of contact with the person who is “inflaming” the conflict.

If you come to a new team and everyone is suddenly hostile to you, do not respond in kind to the whole team. You will achieve nothing by these actions, but only aggravate the situation. In any society is sure to find a person who will be happy to make contact sooner or later. Try to make friends with him first.

Talk more and find out details about the life and interests of each member of that society. That way you’ll quickly figure out how to get each person who is also your co-worker to like you.

Within the Family.

In this case, the hostile attitude is easy enough to eliminate. If you all love each other and are very worried about what happened, then begin reconciliation first. Never hold a grudge against those close to you and know how to forgive. If there is animosity toward you, do not inflate it even more with your rash actions. Try all the time to smooth over “sharp corners” and compromise.

Take note: it happens in life that one of the partners runs out of love. Then comes the “point of no return. If this happens, then the other partner should by no means hold on to his former second half. Otherwise, you will only get a hostile attitude in return. So forgive and let go.

Advice from a psychologist

Remember that people around you treat the person the way they deserve it. Some people think that if they are too polite and characterless to other people, they can cause love and respect for themselves. This is not entirely true. Keep in mind that society is not very fond and accepting of people who do not value their personality. That’s why they treat them with hostility. If you want to gain the respect of outsiders, then behave politely but with dignity.

Again, if you behave too defiantly and always and everywhere “pounce” on conflicts, you will get a backlash. Members of the collective or a certain society will respond to your aggression with aggression. So any sane person must work out his own tactics of behavior, which will allow him to live and work without damage to his own psyche. And this means that you don’t need to conflict with people without a reason.

It must be remembered: people do not always perform unpleasant acts of bad motives. It’s just sometimes they do it by accident. Therefore, easily forgive the guilty persons in front of you.

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